Midlifecrisis

Need support, not judgement. No denial here.

So I did ok for a couple of days dropping down to the level of Valium the doc wanted me to but couldn't handle it any longer so started on the codeine again to try and cope. Doc has said he won't give me anymore than the exact amount he wants me to have and otherwise too bad.

Round and round we go.

Just sharing. Nowhere else to get it out.

Lyoness

Hi MLC! I'm so glad to see you again, I've been thinking about you and hoping you are okay. I totally empathize with you. I feel like I have this sort of stuck point inside and just can't quite get past it yet. That's why I keep coming here, to get support and inspiration. To do that thing of faking it til I make it. If I keep trying I will get there eventually.

HappyDestiny3

Keep sharing.. And just keep go at it..

Many of us fall many times before we get to have some sober time behind us..

Thats what WE are here for ... To help each other get there.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks guys. Lyoness, I saw on my email your tried to send me a pm but my inbox was full, sorry!

Midlifecrisis

I don't actually know if I'm ready. Feel like if I get off the pills I'll just start drinking again. Just being honest.

Lyoness

Hi MLC, mostly I was just checking in on you to see if you were okay and to hope you'd post/check in soon. And now you have!

Like HappyDestiny said, for some of us it is a long, slow process. I don't believe any effort toward recovery/sobriety is wasted. We just have to keep trying and we will get there in the end.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. I get so put off by the 'must go to meetings' must do this, must do that. I've nowhere else to turn at this point except SR. I can't go to meetings though, I would if I could but people seem to think they know my life better

MemphisBlues

Sorry you are struggling. As I said before, the Valium cut is pretty steep, but you don't have much of a choice. The only alternative is that this doctor will stop working with you and cut you off and then you have no hope of a medical supervised tapering.

And it may take you longer to adjust to the cut because you snort it at times. If you can just ride out the cut, you will stabilize at that dosage. After a while. Time. I wish you could give it some.

And they're skype NA and AA meetings, though I don't think they would have done me much good while I was in acute withdrawal.

The codeine is a real bad idea. I know you're afraid of going back to alcohol -- which acts on the same neuroreceptors as Valium, by the way -- but codeine ain't the solution.

It's hard. No one said it was going to be. But you got to pay a lot of pain to get to sobriety, and no one knows the pain of benzo detox better than me.

MemphisBlues

And it does concern me that your doctor is trying to impost such a drastic cut. Have you considered looking at the Ashton Manual available online with its suggested tapering program?

It would show him that you are not alone in struggling and that there is some credible medical research out there that suggests a slow taper.

Then again, I would suggest you tell him of your previous struggles with drugs and even admit to the codeine use.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. Yeah I have had a look at that program and it looks mich more manageable. I mentioned to him today I need to go slower and he is waiting for the head doc to get back to talk to him.

Yep, the codeine is ridiculously stupid. Last year I was taking a pack a day along with the Valium and other opiates and drinking. I know where it's heading. Feel like I'm on a bullet train to nowhere.

I'm so sacred of not sleeping too.

ReadyAtLast

good to hear from you mlc-i've been thinking about you

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back too

D

Midlifecrisis

Thanks

daisy1

I'm also scared of the stark sober mind, I've been toying with the idea of taking codeine while I come off the booze. Not sure why I can't bear being sober xxx

Midlifecrisis

Completely relate

Lyoness

How I wish I had a great, easy solution for all of us! I know it's just simply to not use, one day or one hour or one minute at a time. And I know how hard that is for me when I am in pain or I can't sleep or I'm just simply afraid. I'm not so much afraid of living my life sober as I am of not being able to have relief and treatment for pain. I fear that I have been "branded" and will never be able to have proper treatment again, even if I was in extreme agony.

And I don't know how much of that is based in factual reality and how much is my Addiction just trying to scare me, make me obsess and get me to use. It's definitely a place I have been feeling stuck at for about a month now. I've been trying to explore it here at SR, do tons of reading and that whole "faking it til I make it" thing.

Sometimes I feel stronger and more committed and back on track. Other times like now I get myself into a real state. I don't know what the answer is but just being able to be here and talk with you all and give and receive support is such a great help.

We are walking a very difficult road. But somehow, someway we will get there. Just know you aren't alone!

Threshold

MLC,

Have you talked with your Dr about beta blockers as a non narc option for anxiety? They help a lot of people. I used them for while when I got clean and sober this last time. They are primarily used for high blood pressure and are non habit forming.

I empathize with your struggle. I had valium issues myself. Yes, there is discomfort and fear in getting clean and sober, but there is discomfort, fear and bondage in continuing to use.

In sobriety we ride out the discomfort for the rewards that lie ahead. There are no rewards in continuing to use.

I resisted sobriety for the same reasons that you have shared. I didn't want to feel, I was sure my feelings were more than I could handle, that they'd kill me. I told myself I HAD to sleep. That I HAD to take pills so I wouldn't drink...then I had to drink again because pills alone wouldn't allow me to sleep...I HAD to do and use and chase and and and.

Now I don't HAVE to do any of those things.

You can do this. Parts of it will feel yucky and scary, but it's worth it and you CAN do this. And you will be ok.

Anna

MLC, you said you resist when people say you 'must' do this or that and are urging you to do something specific. I believe that you must do something, you must take some kind of action or there will be no change and you will continue to be held in the grips of addiction. We do understand how hard this is, but I know that you can do it.

LoftyIdeals

Anna is right, mlc. Change is the hardest part for me, especially the part that is hearing other people like your doc tell you what you must do. The rebel in me says "yeah? Says who?". But, in the end, that approach has always just delayed my demise. My suggestion is to rip the bandage off as quickly as possible, and get on with a better life. You have to go through the storm, but fortunately, you dont have to do it alone. You have a lot of company here.

ScottFromWI

The only thing you MUST do is make a plan to quit MLC. How you do that is completely up to you - just as the choice to quit is. You've got doctors who know your situation, you have SR, and you have access to detox locally as well. I'm sure there are other resources as well.

What you must do is decide which ones you are going to use and formulate a plan. It's always easier to figure out an excuse to NOT stop than to actually stop - we've all done it - multiple times.