Trinidad

This is my first posting and I'll probably ramble a bit. I need opinions that will help me wade through how I really feel- it's so buried. My two children are in their 30's, and the older brother has had difficulties with drugs/alcohol since high school. I was a single mom for several years and my daughter and I attended many of meetings for my son. She has been by my side 100% all through her high school years, college years and beyond. He has not recovered, it's just more difficult to know what he's doing but you've gotta know, it's not right.

My daughter and her husband are having their first baby in June. She has made the decision not to have her brother in the childs life because she does not want her to be exposed to the things she has been exposed to as a sibling of an addict. She said she is not comfortable with him and the unknown of how he is going to be if and when he arrives to an event (Christmas, Birthdays, just plain visiting).

I am so deeply sad and not wanting to sever our small family. I am also wanting to be respectful of their wishes. I am wondering why I am so forgiving of my son with his past history of making family get togethers uncomfortable- I think I am just happy he is still alive. I adore my daughter and want her to be as hopeful as I am that someday, someday...... I want my family- healthy and loving each other.

I know all about enabling- I hate that word but yet, I can sure identify with it. Is mu daughters attitude what is needed that may get my son to the bottom line? How can I possible attend family get togethers when I know my son has been purposefully banned from attending? I feel like I'm being put in a position of choosing one over another- but really, have I not already done that kind of behavior in the past?

I've read postings on the site from angry siblings-my daughter is hurt and wants to protect her daughter from the hurt she has felt. It makes me feel so inadequate as a mother and a woman that my daughter has such deep hurts. At the time, I didn't recognize that I was a contributor because I was so involved in the "saving" mode. I fear that I am replaying that record- I fear that I will make further and bigger mistakes. I fear...

I also fear that if my son is kept from his only neice, he might resort to something fatal. How does one make a choice- go forward- with these fears. There is so much to lose- but there could be so much to gain too.

Anyone who might lend insight- believe me- I will listen with an open heart.

Mizzuno

I am sorry for your struggle. I know that it has to be hard to have a child who is sabotaging their life with addiction. Your daughter has every right to make this decision for her life and her daughters life. If you will, try to think of your daughters relationship with her brother as something separate from you. This is her decision and not yours. I know that you are respecting that decision.
There is nothing that can be done about your son coming from you. Your son has to want to get help, and has to want to get on with his life in his time. It may take something drastic in order for him to come around. I hear you when you say that your son might go off the deep end if he is not around his niece. He is making these decisions for himself. It just might be what he needs. If I could have talked my sister, mother, father out of using I would have. There was no amount of love that would stop them. The same goes with myself, there was no amount of anything to stop my own demise. I lost in the process and now i am healing. I commend you for being a good mother. Please take care of yourself. Please seek out someone to talk to professionally. This is a family affair. I wish you all the health in the world in this process. A mothers worry is never good. God speed.
Al-anon?

( We are all here for you. You can message me anytime that you would like. )

skella99

This is so hard. I too have an AD with younger siblings. I have spent so much time and focus on trying to help the AD, I feel as if I've neglected the younger ones.

I dont think you should feel as if you cant attend functions that your son was not invited to. That is not your behavior or the organizer's behavior, your son was banned because of his own behavior.

Also, if you have an event, you can choose to invite whomever you choose. and they can decide to join you or not. If your daughter decides to host an event and invite you and not your son, well that is okay. You just decide for yourself if you want to go or not and it doesnt have to be conditional upon your son being invited. He caused this, not you and not your daughter.

Trinidad

I know my son has gotten the message before that his behavior is unacceptable. I guess I am so very uncomfortable that there has not been a conversation between my son and daughter. It's so true, this is their "thing"- but isn't a mother supposed to attempt to make things good for their children, regardless of age? I am very anticipant that he will be bitter when his appearance is not welcomed when my granddaughter is born. I would really like them to talk- I don't need to be included. Wouldn't this be a better way of handling this situation instead of at the time it happens? Should I try and get this to happen to clear the air and draw the line in the sand?

julez

Maybe you could suggest that your daughter write your son a letter, explaining that while she loves him, she just can't allow her child to be around someone so unpredictable.

I feel your pain. My daughter has made a mess of her life, and her little brother wants nothing to do with her. I don't blame him, but it still makes me very sad that my only 2 babies that I raised to love each other, can barely speak two words to each other.

All the above advice was right. Nobody but your son can change your daughters opinion of him, and that will only happen if he can get clean. I really hope he does.

Trinidad

I have another question- Why do parents (I'm speaking for myself) accept and tolerate the behaviors of the addict when those same behaviors would be totally unacceptable from anyone else? It bewilders me that I can almost forget what's occurred when I hear my sons voice- I don't understand my accepting behavior.

Anna

I think that being a mother is the hardest job ever. I think that a mother can forgive a child for anything and you look at your son from a very different perspective that your daughter does. It's not up to you to fix things between your adult children. That is their journey.

In my opinion you should respect your daughter's wishes. Your son may be disappointed and bitter because he is excluded but this is not something you have done to him. I hope that your son decides to live a sober life and to enjoy his family.

julez

Its because you have desperate hope that things will get better.

My son is amazing. He is exceptional. Everyone loves the kid.

My daughter is trouble with a capital T. Why is it then, that when she's having a good day, I'm practically giddy about it, yet sometimes I forget that everyday is a good day with my son.

If my daughter was not my daughter, I wouldn't be her friend. I wouldn't tolerate her. But since she IS, and since I have invested my life in her, I can't give up that hope that I have that one day this will be a distant memory.

Hope is powerful. So is a mothers love.

Mizzuno

I can understand your need to want to intervene and draw the line in the sand. The truth is, your children are adults. Their relationship is theirs alone, just like the relationship that you have with each of them. Somewhere in all of this is your health? How this is affecting you should be of concern. I believe in boundaries and setting them clearly for all to see. Maybe you could let them both know that they need to work this out and from here on out you are not the go to middle man. You are not the referee. You are a mother who loves her children. Love is what you will give. Until your son comes around there is nothing that can be done. Please take care of you. Please keep posting.

TryingHarder

I think you need to let your daughter be. Think about it. She's been a rock for her brother and for you since she was a young girl. I'm sure she loves her brother, but she's made a decision and I really honk you need to step back and live your life now. Enjoy yiur new grandbaby. Pamper your daughter. Sometimes the very best thing is to step away from things.

And I am a mom of 3 kids in their 30's so I do know the joys and agonies of motherhood. But I honestly think its time to be with your daughter with no discussion of her brother.

I pray he will turn his life around bit none of you can do it for him

TryingHarder

I swear I'm not illiterate, I just can't type on this stupid iPhone!!!!

TryingHarder

I just realized why I have such strong emotions about this. My brother suffered with mental illness and drug addiction for many decades. I'm 3 years older than him. I spent those decades with mom trying to make things better for her and my brother and now I'm caring for my mom after a stroke and increasing dementia.

I never got to really be mothered. I've been an adult my whole life.

Pamper that girl of yours please.

Trinidad

I love them both so much- but you are so right. I lost my mom 1/10/13- a void I am having the hardest time with. My daughter was by my side right to the last breath my mom took. She held my hand and led me to the car when I couldn't even walk out of the hospital room on my own I was so engrossed in grief. She's there- she's strong, and I think she's right. She told me once that she makes everything right for people, that's what she does. She is making her daughters life right now, even before the birth. I've always contended that she is a wise woman. I just don't want to favor one over the other and I don't want to exclude.

All of this advise is exactly what I need- a dose of reality. I feel guilty for my prospective- I feel like I should have it all together (I'm old enough). I have hope- every breath I take- that there will be that day, that person, that opportunity- it will all be right, right?

Mizzuno

Right. It will all be right.

Trinidad

I have another question- about not hearing from my son for extended periods of time. When he does call, he is mad or wants something. Sometimes he wants to see me, which I absolutely love. We saw each other about 3 weeks ago for an afternoon. But when I don't hear from him, I worry. Sometimes I will call or text- leave a message. Is this "enabling"? I wonder if I should leave the contacting up to him or if these messages could reinforce that his family loves him. No news is not good news in this case- Advise?

TryingHarder

I think a text every couple of weeks just saying I love you and hope all is well is fine. He knows you love him but no expectation of a response. You are going to have to let him decide when he's ready to begin recovery. As hard as it is, you can't make him well. And she he asks for $$$ or whatever, that's when it's time to say no. Of he's hungry, feed him. But don't give him money or things. That's just my recommendation.