silentrun

I have been an alcoholic for over 10 years. 2 years ago I admitted it to myself and took steps to contain it so noone would try to make me stop. I had no clue how progressive this is and how dark it would get. Recently I had a moment of lucidity and realized I am now at the piont that either I go "all in" or "all out". I feel as if I am in some horror movie and suddenly the movie is paused at the point that the killer has the axe in the air over my head. One drink and the movie resumes and it will be too late. I am over 5 weeks in and experiencing changes. I am terrified to fail. I don't know if I am being granted a second chance or just a chance to get my affairs in order before this things takes me down for good.
I love the quotes posted on this site so here is one of my favorities:

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There comes I time when you stop have to stop asking yourself "Why does the train keep hitting me?" and start asking yourself "What in the heck am I still doing in the tracks?"

(?) Natalie Green, Facts of Life

Coldfusion

Welcome, Silentrun!

Five weeks is fantastic!

We can offer support and share our experiences, but sometimes people need face-to-face help to stay sober. Have you considered AA?

coffeetogo

All the best for your recovery Silentrun. You'll get a lot of support here.

Received

Welcome and congratulations on 5 weeks. That's some awesomeness right there.

You CAN do this. Don't let your addictive voice tell you otherwise. It lies.

least

Congrats on your five weeks sober. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, a day at a time, and see how much better your life can be.

kellyg

SilentRun - I too had five weeks - and fell of the wagon one night this weekend. It sucks to have to start all over again. Don't listen to that addictive voice - alcoholism is cunning and it will try to suck you back in. Stay strong!

K

Anna

Welcome!

Five weeks sober is really good! I hope you're starting to feel better physically, mentally and spiritually.

silentrun

That is what scares me is the AV. No matter how far I make it quitting smoking it always blindsides me out of nowhere. Someone posted a link on this site that had some really good information. It said that the fantasizing leads to the decision, so even before you take the first drink you have already sliped. (that is what I understood it to say.) That is exactly what happened last time I started smoking again. So really I guess it wasn't out of nowhere was it? I just now got that.

shauninspain

Welcome to the forum.

I have been a serial relapser for the best part of 12 years and yes, the progression is horrendous. And things get very dark. I would read as much as you can on this site tonight. Post a lot as well, as you have a lot to offer other people. You never know you might just save someones life tonight.

It's one hell of a cunning foe, alcohol. A little poem I wrote many years ago went something like this..

It'll bind you tighter than any chain
Lash hard against your wincing face, like windswept drops of winters rain
Rip hope from wish, tear want from need
It knows no charity at all
Just greed

Received

Your AV is going to rear it's pathetic ugly head now and again, that's completely normal. I just picture mine being run over by a speeding fire engine then just carry on my life of total abstinence.

It takes a little getting used to recognizing our AV sometimes but staying logged in here, reading and posting helps a lot.

You are not alone. We are all here with you.