Closet alcoholic – can I wean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Closet alcoholic – can I wean?
Hi everyone,
First time posting…first time on a forum ever, actually. I really hope I can get some help and support here. I’m 30 years old and my problems with alcohol started when I was in college. I started drinking in high school (maybe 15 years old), but not to excess except on rare occasions (I can actually only think of one) – particularly not compared to some of my friends. When I was about 16-17, my parents started allowing me to drink at family parties or on holidays. I went to college in New Orleans – an amazing city but one with a culture built around booze. I started binge drinking pretty much every night from Tuesday – Saturday, but it never seemed wrong because everyone else was doing the same thing. I went to class, got good grades, was in a sorority and had great friends. Somewhere around Junior/Senior year, I started drinking alone. I never hid it, but I would buy a bottle of wine and drink it in my bedroom while watching TV or doing homework. I guess that’s probably where the problems started. After college, I moved to NYC, and the partying continued. I didn’t often drink alone anymore but my roommates were as big of wine drinkers as me and we shared a big bottle pretty much every night. I hated my job and would always try to get my friends to meet me for long, boozey lunches. One day, I realized I didn’t really need them…and started drinking at work. From then on (about 8 years ago now), I would occasionally drink at work and then most nights at home. For about 8 months before my wedding (1.5 years ago), I barely drank AT ALL and never really craved it. Without knowing what happened…fast forward to today, I drink every single day: usually a pint of vodka or more. I don’t enjoy it, but my symptoms when I don’t scare the crap out of me. There have been people in my life who have hinted at my abuse of alcohol – most recently my husband. He calls me a “90/10” – 90% of the time when I drink, I’m fine and social and limit myself. 10% of the time, I’m an absolute disaster. 2 weeks ago, I decided to make cocktails while we watched a movie at home. I drank a pint, blacked out, and fell – hard – into my dresser. I woke up the next morning and my husband put his foot down: no more alcohol in the house and see a therapist. So I’ve “been really good” and have not had wine at night like I used to but what he doesn’t know is that I drink all day at work just to maintain. Sometimes I hide vodka in the apartment (literally in the closet).
I can’t tell my family (long story short: we found out a year ago my brother in law was a closeted alcoholic – almost identical situation to mine – and I can’t put my family through that again. Not to mention, my sister is now divorced and I don’t want to lose my husband) and I can’t tell my doctor, but I want to stop. I’ve read a lot of things about “weaning” myself off and I wanted to hear your thoughts on this. I should mention I also suffer from an extreme case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I have prescriptions for Xanax and Klonopin. I’m hoping I can pair the two to quit drinking within the next week or two. I want this to end – I’m sick all the time, I’m bloated and puffy, my work is suffering – and so I know I am strong enough to get through detox. What I’m terrified of is having a seizure – my BIL had one, but luckily he was in the hospital at the time. I won’t be so lucky since I am not telling anyone. Does anyone know what kind of regimen with drugs and weaning will help avoid a seizure? It’s honestly the one thing keeping me from attempting to stop cold turkey.
I know many of you are going to tell me to see the doctor and tell my family but it’s simply not an option for me. Help?
First time posting…first time on a forum ever, actually. I really hope I can get some help and support here. I’m 30 years old and my problems with alcohol started when I was in college. I started drinking in high school (maybe 15 years old), but not to excess except on rare occasions (I can actually only think of one) – particularly not compared to some of my friends. When I was about 16-17, my parents started allowing me to drink at family parties or on holidays. I went to college in New Orleans – an amazing city but one with a culture built around booze. I started binge drinking pretty much every night from Tuesday – Saturday, but it never seemed wrong because everyone else was doing the same thing. I went to class, got good grades, was in a sorority and had great friends. Somewhere around Junior/Senior year, I started drinking alone. I never hid it, but I would buy a bottle of wine and drink it in my bedroom while watching TV or doing homework. I guess that’s probably where the problems started. After college, I moved to NYC, and the partying continued. I didn’t often drink alone anymore but my roommates were as big of wine drinkers as me and we shared a big bottle pretty much every night. I hated my job and would always try to get my friends to meet me for long, boozey lunches. One day, I realized I didn’t really need them…and started drinking at work. From then on (about 8 years ago now), I would occasionally drink at work and then most nights at home. For about 8 months before my wedding (1.5 years ago), I barely drank AT ALL and never really craved it. Without knowing what happened…fast forward to today, I drink every single day: usually a pint of vodka or more. I don’t enjoy it, but my symptoms when I don’t scare the crap out of me. There have been people in my life who have hinted at my abuse of alcohol – most recently my husband. He calls me a “90/10” – 90% of the time when I drink, I’m fine and social and limit myself. 10% of the time, I’m an absolute disaster. 2 weeks ago, I decided to make cocktails while we watched a movie at home. I drank a pint, blacked out, and fell – hard – into my dresser. I woke up the next morning and my husband put his foot down: no more alcohol in the house and see a therapist. So I’ve “been really good” and have not had wine at night like I used to but what he doesn’t know is that I drink all day at work just to maintain. Sometimes I hide vodka in the apartment (literally in the closet).
I can’t tell my family (long story short: we found out a year ago my brother in law was a closeted alcoholic – almost identical situation to mine – and I can’t put my family through that again. Not to mention, my sister is now divorced and I don’t want to lose my husband) and I can’t tell my doctor, but I want to stop. I’ve read a lot of things about “weaning” myself off and I wanted to hear your thoughts on this. I should mention I also suffer from an extreme case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I have prescriptions for Xanax and Klonopin. I’m hoping I can pair the two to quit drinking within the next week or two. I want this to end – I’m sick all the time, I’m bloated and puffy, my work is suffering – and so I know I am strong enough to get through detox. What I’m terrified of is having a seizure – my BIL had one, but luckily he was in the hospital at the time. I won’t be so lucky since I am not telling anyone. Does anyone know what kind of regimen with drugs and weaning will help avoid a seizure? It’s honestly the one thing keeping me from attempting to stop cold turkey.
I know many of you are going to tell me to see the doctor and tell my family but it’s simply not an option for me. Help?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you're playing a very dangerous game with the Xanax and attempting to wean the booze. i think that you really can tell your doctor as they keep your confidence. they are there to help you, not judge you.
we cannot give you any medical advice, but you may be able to de-tox at home with a doctor's supervision. again, this is not something to play with
we cannot give you any medical advice, but you may be able to de-tox at home with a doctor's supervision. again, this is not something to play with
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Welcome, K!
There's no place on the internet for medical advice--you do really need to see a doctor because the doctor needs to see you. Alcohol detox can be very dangerous, and if you try to wean yourself there is the very real possibility that you will just keep on drinking--many folks here have tried that.
There's no place on the internet for medical advice--you do really need to see a doctor because the doctor needs to see you. Alcohol detox can be very dangerous, and if you try to wean yourself there is the very real possibility that you will just keep on drinking--many folks here have tried that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
We can't give medical advice I'm afraid, not least because none of us are doctors (as far as I know). I know that tapering is what they recommend a lot here in the UK, because it's cheaper and safer in a way. But unfortunately it is also very difficult and easy to over drink. Do you think you can cut down in a strict regimented way? I actually did this a bit. But I wasn't able to be successfully strict about it. I didn't drink massive quantities either before I cut down. I am not sure how much that even matters though, it is impossible to predict what will happen. I didn't tell anyone when I quit either but then I live alone and my family are miles away so it wouldn't have been much help anyway. I went to my doctor after I had cut down and quit to make sure I was okay. I am not sure why it isn't possible to tell your doctor seeing as it would be entirely confidential. Is this not something you could compromise on. One thing I ensured was that I was completely ready to go to A&E if I felt I needed it. Sometimes we don't have a choice about who we tell and if we get sick we need help, end of. Welcome to SR. I am sure you'll find the support here useful to you x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Why cant you tell your doctor? Your doctor is there to help not condemn you. If there is anybody that you should tell, its your doctor. On top of that, you are playing doctor with those meds that you are taking. This is serious business my friend. If you do not want to tell the people that you love, please tell your doctor!
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Hey Kressler,
So, I was in a situation very very similar to yours... I'm 29, similar history with alcohol, similar level of consumption, and embodiment of the old Ani diFranco lyric "as bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem." Big difference though is I'm single, which makes a covert quit easier to pull off. Everyone's different but I'm going to give you my blow-by-blow because I think it demonstrates why you might need to get some backing on this.
If yours goes similarly to mine I think you'll need both the advice of a doctor [I]and[I] possibly an accomplice or an alibi. You will probably either need to let your husband know what's going on, or tell a really good friend who can give you an excuse to be away from home for the first few days. If you try and get through early withdrawal totally in secret, you'll probably end up drinking because it'll be the only way to keep the symptoms down.
I say this because it happened to me; I tried to quit this way at least 4 or 5 times before I managed it. I always broke down because of work. My head would be foggy, I couldn't concentrate, or I'd be "off" in meetings, and I was in a very high pressure job so I would end up drinking a little just to get my work done. And then of course I'd feel better with booze in my system so I'd drink more and it would all fall apart. A few months ago I was laid off for unrelated reasons so that gave me the chance to be muggy headed without fear, so that helped a lot.
When I finally quit, the first 24 hours or so were OK. I'd been on a bender for a few days and was very nauseous but nothing worse than a normal very bad hangover. But about 30 hours after my first drink I couldn't even hold down water and had thrown up several times. Finally I vomited blood and was thoroughly freaked out, called a cab and went to the ER.
They gave me drugs to prevent seizures, an IV to hydrate, and vitamins; they also checked my liver and kidney stats. Took about an hour and a half and they sent me home.
The next maybe three days I was just exhausted. Similar to having a really, really bad hangover. I also had really intense anxiety. I basically didn't get out of bed except to eat and refill my water bottle (so much water! I felt like I had been camping in a desert)
After that for almost a month my body was just haywire, especially in terms of sleep. I use a sleep tracking app so I've got numbers, it was nuts. I couldn't fall asleep because my CNS was all fired up, so I'd be awake until I just collapsed from exhaustion, maybe at 5am, 6am, somedays 11am. Then I'd either fall asleep like the dead for 12 - 14 hours, or I'd sleep for 4 hours and then be awake again. I wasn't anxious as much as I'd expected, but I'd also begun taking prozac before quitting, so I think that took care of that. I was frequently very depressed.
I'm sure if I'd had to go to work I would have managed it, but I was exhausted and really out of it for 2 - 3 weeks. A typical day would be sleep 5am - 9am, wake up out of it but unable to sleep. Watch TV until 2pm, nap until 5pm. Read until 11pm, watch TV until 4:30am, sleep. Very zombified.
By the fourth week my energy levels were still kind of low but my sleep schedule was back in line.
Now I'm in week 5 and feeling much better. I've been doing yoga and taking vitamins since early week 3 and I think that's helped a lot.
So that's my story of quitting on my own... hopefully a good example of why a doctor would be beneficial. It's not just about preventing seizures, which is obviously really, really important. It's also that this is a really intense physical process, way more so than I expected, and if you want to hide its effects from people around you you are going to need advice and a medical plan for how to do that. If I'd done more homework I probably could have avoided the ER, started my nutrition plan earlier, and probably been far more functional in that first month.
So, I was in a situation very very similar to yours... I'm 29, similar history with alcohol, similar level of consumption, and embodiment of the old Ani diFranco lyric "as bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem." Big difference though is I'm single, which makes a covert quit easier to pull off. Everyone's different but I'm going to give you my blow-by-blow because I think it demonstrates why you might need to get some backing on this.
If yours goes similarly to mine I think you'll need both the advice of a doctor [I]and[I] possibly an accomplice or an alibi. You will probably either need to let your husband know what's going on, or tell a really good friend who can give you an excuse to be away from home for the first few days. If you try and get through early withdrawal totally in secret, you'll probably end up drinking because it'll be the only way to keep the symptoms down.
I say this because it happened to me; I tried to quit this way at least 4 or 5 times before I managed it. I always broke down because of work. My head would be foggy, I couldn't concentrate, or I'd be "off" in meetings, and I was in a very high pressure job so I would end up drinking a little just to get my work done. And then of course I'd feel better with booze in my system so I'd drink more and it would all fall apart. A few months ago I was laid off for unrelated reasons so that gave me the chance to be muggy headed without fear, so that helped a lot.
When I finally quit, the first 24 hours or so were OK. I'd been on a bender for a few days and was very nauseous but nothing worse than a normal very bad hangover. But about 30 hours after my first drink I couldn't even hold down water and had thrown up several times. Finally I vomited blood and was thoroughly freaked out, called a cab and went to the ER.
They gave me drugs to prevent seizures, an IV to hydrate, and vitamins; they also checked my liver and kidney stats. Took about an hour and a half and they sent me home.
The next maybe three days I was just exhausted. Similar to having a really, really bad hangover. I also had really intense anxiety. I basically didn't get out of bed except to eat and refill my water bottle (so much water! I felt like I had been camping in a desert)
After that for almost a month my body was just haywire, especially in terms of sleep. I use a sleep tracking app so I've got numbers, it was nuts. I couldn't fall asleep because my CNS was all fired up, so I'd be awake until I just collapsed from exhaustion, maybe at 5am, 6am, somedays 11am. Then I'd either fall asleep like the dead for 12 - 14 hours, or I'd sleep for 4 hours and then be awake again. I wasn't anxious as much as I'd expected, but I'd also begun taking prozac before quitting, so I think that took care of that. I was frequently very depressed.
I'm sure if I'd had to go to work I would have managed it, but I was exhausted and really out of it for 2 - 3 weeks. A typical day would be sleep 5am - 9am, wake up out of it but unable to sleep. Watch TV until 2pm, nap until 5pm. Read until 11pm, watch TV until 4:30am, sleep. Very zombified.
By the fourth week my energy levels were still kind of low but my sleep schedule was back in line.
Now I'm in week 5 and feeling much better. I've been doing yoga and taking vitamins since early week 3 and I think that's helped a lot.
So that's my story of quitting on my own... hopefully a good example of why a doctor would be beneficial. It's not just about preventing seizures, which is obviously really, really important. It's also that this is a really intense physical process, way more so than I expected, and if you want to hide its effects from people around you you are going to need advice and a medical plan for how to do that. If I'd done more homework I probably could have avoided the ER, started my nutrition plan earlier, and probably been far more functional in that first month.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Los Angeles ca
Posts: 33
I am also 30 and at that ripe age was when I had to address my problems with drug abuse. I just found opiates to be so much better to me than booze. Long story short, your dr. is your best friend. They can give you great medical advice and confirm or debunk you concerns. It sounds like you have the support of your husband? I hope the best for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I have been sober for almost 5 months now. I think the best thing is to be incredibly honest with yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm glad you want to stop drinking but I think that using xanax and klonopin to help you through it seems like playing with fire. That's not what the meds were prescribed for so it can't be a good idea.
Personally, I don't believe weaning works for alcoholics because it's just too hard to not let the consumption go up again. That's what happened to me. Stopping cold turkey was the easiest way to do it, with your drs approval.
Personally, I don't believe weaning works for alcoholics because it's just too hard to not let the consumption go up again. That's what happened to me. Stopping cold turkey was the easiest way to do it, with your drs approval.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
please see your doc-it is confidential.Ialso don't think weaning works -for me as soon as I have one I want to keep drinking
Maybe also consider telling your husband you are going to quit.He will probably be pleased,relieved and happy to support you. It is a very private thing for me and I saw no need to tell anyone else in my family but I had to tell my husband. He knew I drank too much anyway-as much as we think people don't know they really do know
Maybe also consider telling your husband you are going to quit.He will probably be pleased,relieved and happy to support you. It is a very private thing for me and I saw no need to tell anyone else in my family but I had to tell my husband. He knew I drank too much anyway-as much as we think people don't know they really do know
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to say a thing to family members who don't live with you, but I don't see how you can avoid telling your husband, nor should you. If your alcoholism hasn't damaged your marriage so far, then I don't know why your recovery should be an issue.
Recovery from alcoholism lasts much longer than detox--it is actually a lifetime endeavor, because no alcoholic ever becomes NOT an alcoholic. You are one for life, and if you ever start drinking again you are likely to wind up right where you left off--only worse. So it really isn't something you can hide from a spouse.
As far as detoxing goes, your doctor cannot disclose anything without your permission. Let him or her help you.
As for other family members--you can choose, at some point, how much you care to share with any of them. No need to go out and make a big announcement to anyone.
But your doctor and your husband are two people you MUST talk to, if you hope to recover safely and successfully.
Recovery from alcoholism lasts much longer than detox--it is actually a lifetime endeavor, because no alcoholic ever becomes NOT an alcoholic. You are one for life, and if you ever start drinking again you are likely to wind up right where you left off--only worse. So it really isn't something you can hide from a spouse.
As far as detoxing goes, your doctor cannot disclose anything without your permission. Let him or her help you.
As for other family members--you can choose, at some point, how much you care to share with any of them. No need to go out and make a big announcement to anyone.
But your doctor and your husband are two people you MUST talk to, if you hope to recover safely and successfully.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your input! I am seeing my therapist tonight and will get her opinions. I also made a doctor's appointment fofor a week out. I have not decided what to do about my husband, but you're all correct that he would support me no matter what. I guess it is the shame that holds me back. We share insurance and from what I'm reading, a home detox kit is expensive - there is no way for me to hide that from him and I can't really disappear for 3 days into a facility. It's complicated and scary.
I did start the process of weaning yesterday (I know, I know) but I wanted to do *something* until I could get into a doctor. I found a site with a very specific "step down" plan. I spent all day drinking about half what I have been lately - literally just a sip when I thought the anxiety would get the best of me. I did not mix with my meds after reading your comments and loaded up on fluids and Vitamin B. It wasn't bad until bedtime, when I did not sleep AT ALL. Today, it's almost 2pm, I haven't had a drink and I feel OK, just tired and slightly shaky. I'm even hungry for the first time in weeks. The step down plan calls for half of yesterday's "ration" today so I'll sip it if I need it, but I don't feel as horrible as I thought I would. Maybe it's possible everyone's recovery/withdrawal is different? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm...
Even if I'm able to safely "cure" myself of the daily drinking habit this way before i see my doctor, I will definitely be seeking some sort of treatment.
Thanks again for all your input.
I did start the process of weaning yesterday (I know, I know) but I wanted to do *something* until I could get into a doctor. I found a site with a very specific "step down" plan. I spent all day drinking about half what I have been lately - literally just a sip when I thought the anxiety would get the best of me. I did not mix with my meds after reading your comments and loaded up on fluids and Vitamin B. It wasn't bad until bedtime, when I did not sleep AT ALL. Today, it's almost 2pm, I haven't had a drink and I feel OK, just tired and slightly shaky. I'm even hungry for the first time in weeks. The step down plan calls for half of yesterday's "ration" today so I'll sip it if I need it, but I don't feel as horrible as I thought I would. Maybe it's possible everyone's recovery/withdrawal is different? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm...
Even if I'm able to safely "cure" myself of the daily drinking habit this way before i see my doctor, I will definitely be seeking some sort of treatment.
Thanks again for all your input.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I am so glad to hear you have a therapist, and are open to the idea of discussing this with your dr and husband.
As so many have shared, weaning attempts didn't work for most of us. I've seen many threads started on SR where the poster was going to wean...and many of them admit defeat and realize quitting is quitting.
At any rate, cutting down the amount you are drinking daily is a good thing, but ultimately we must quit and stay quit, leaving the door open for any alcohol consumption under some particular circumstance, is still an open door, and once booze has it's foot in the door, it's mighty hard to close it.
Unfortunately also having the meds you mention has a tendency to complicate things. We can easily justify using the pills to "help" us quit drinking and replace one flaming crutch for another.
Please do discuss this entire situation with your dr, or a dr who specializes in addiction, your therapist might be able to recommend one.
I had both a pill and booze habit. I am a year clean and sober. It was a bumpy ride but it's worth it.
As so many have shared, weaning attempts didn't work for most of us. I've seen many threads started on SR where the poster was going to wean...and many of them admit defeat and realize quitting is quitting.
At any rate, cutting down the amount you are drinking daily is a good thing, but ultimately we must quit and stay quit, leaving the door open for any alcohol consumption under some particular circumstance, is still an open door, and once booze has it's foot in the door, it's mighty hard to close it.
Unfortunately also having the meds you mention has a tendency to complicate things. We can easily justify using the pills to "help" us quit drinking and replace one flaming crutch for another.
Please do discuss this entire situation with your dr, or a dr who specializes in addiction, your therapist might be able to recommend one.
I had both a pill and booze habit. I am a year clean and sober. It was a bumpy ride but it's worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
Some great advice here Kresslersl - welcome 
I think sometimes recovery means we have to do things we don't really want to do - one of those things (maybe one of the biggest) is coming clean.
Yes, it's difficult and uncomfortable and embarrassing but it's also very much a step forward and a little closer to where we want to be
The climb up the recovery mountain can be pretty steep some days...We need to set our burden down, so we can climb unencumbered, and we need all the help we can get...y'know?
D
I think sometimes recovery means we have to do things we don't really want to do - one of those things (maybe one of the biggest) is coming clean.
Yes, it's difficult and uncomfortable and embarrassing but it's also very much a step forward and a little closer to where we want to be
The climb up the recovery mountain can be pretty steep some days...We need to set our burden down, so we can climb unencumbered, and we need all the help we can get...y'know?
D
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