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AA question regarding sponsor

Old 03-18-2013, 09:28 AM
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AA question regarding sponsor

Hi guys,
A question for you AA folks. I have been in and out of meetings for 15 years but only recently taking the program seriously. I have never had a sponsor in the past. A man my age offered to be my sponsor last Monday and I told him I would send him a message that week. He asked if he could have my phone number to add to the group of people he calls on Sunday nights to remind them of the Monday night meeting and I agreed.

I sent a message to him on Thursday evening asking him to be my sponsor if he was still willing. He wrote back on Friday saying Yes and that it was a great decision on my part. He had plans with his son on Saturday (I had plans as well) so he said let's plan on sometime Sunday (yesterday). I didn't hear from him at all yesterday and was surprised not to even get a phone call as a reminder of the Monday night meeting like he said he does for everyone in the group. My question: Should I be calling him or should I have called him more? Is that part of working the program by taking initiative to get my sponsor more involved?

At this point, I don't feel like he is my sponsor because we really haven't even talked much other than the night I met him at the meeting. A part of my gut thinks he may have too much going on or that he is struggling himself right now (speculative I know). Anyway, I found another meeting (26 meetings a week at this location) that I really enjoyed and am thinking about asking someone else and avoiding this meeting and him altogether. Trying to avoid drama and I know it's not the sponsor's job to keep me sober, it's my job to turn my life over to God and that is where the healing and power will come from. With that said, I still really want some guidance with the steps. Any thoughts/opinions appreciated. Day 11 here
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Old 03-18-2013, 09:33 AM
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One more question....I have a friend who got clean with the program some 7+ months ago and dropped off the face of the earth (to focus on his recovery). Any advice on asking someone you already know to be your sponsor? Is 7 months sober long enough to be a good sponsor?
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:19 AM
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I'm from the F&F side, but here's my perspective:

It is not an auspicious beginning for him to tell you he is going to call weekly with the reminder then never do so. Perhaps he has a good reason, though.

Generally though, the one desiring the help should be making the phone calls. Since it sounds like you two left it up in the air as to who would contact whom about meeting, I think he may have been rightly expecting you to take the initiative.

Personally I would tread lightly with respect to choosing an existing friend for a sponsor. I'd go to meetings and watch people for a while, then select someone based on what I saw coming from them. In friendships we should be equals. With a sponsor I would seek someone that could mentor me and guide me by sharing their own experiences and giving me gentle correction when needed. It's not the role I want my friends to take with me, nor one I personally would want to take with a friend. I'd be looking for a wise Uncle type. Also, previous prior interaction could interfere with my ability to be completely open and direct with a friend. I do think you should give your friend a call for camaraderie and to share support and restart your friendship now that you are both sober. Maybe he would be a good sponsor, or maybe just a healthy friend to have around.

That's my .10.

Peace and prosperity!
Hanna
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:26 AM
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I am new to all of it, but here goes!

I think you should call him and then ask, what the expectation is: Calls daily, every other day, more often, etc. I am guessing he got caught up in something.

As for the guy with 7 months, Has that person completed all of the steps?

Also, don't avoid. I don't know about you, but when I was actively drinking, I avoided everything confrontational. For me, recovery is big girl time with big girl actions. You can substitute big boy for your situation.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:28 AM
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I agree with Hanna. I was told early in sobriety 'to reach out'..as uncomfortable as it may seem at times, it is all about change. And it is also about 'going to any lengths to achieving sobriety'. I know I was no near ready to sponsor someone at 7 months. We are still infants in this program. My current sponsor just told me recently that I should be ready to help others now...I have 2 years now. So I am becoming willing to help others if they ask it of me, or approach a newcomer at a meeting when I feel the 'pull' that I can be of some help. Hope that helps...good luck..
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:42 AM
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Thanks all you wise people. Yes I should probably be stepping outside of my bubble and reaching out more than I have been. To be honest, it took a lot just to get the nerve to ask this guy. I guess time will tell and I imagine I'll see him at the meeting tonight. I asked my buddy if he would be interested but he also said it was too soon and he hasn't worked all of the steps yet. So, at least our friendship is now strengthened by recovery.....we grew up with the same group of people and can certainly relate to each other struggles.

Hah, while I was writing this 'my sponsor' just called to remind me of the meeting and to say we can get started on a meet time/plan after the meeting tonight. Maybe it's the alcoholic in me trying to run from this too. Who knows.....it's all pretty new to me. Thanks again folks.
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Old 03-18-2013, 06:39 PM
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Glad he called you. Sounds like it would be good to give him a shot. People do switch around sometimes for various reasons, so if things don't work out you can always find another sponsor.

Very cool that you reconnected with your friend, too. Having someone you like walking the same path will be a huge help.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:29 PM
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If you have been struggling for 15 years and now are ready, look for a sponsor that you see walk the walk. If someone is living the program and you like what he says, go for it. Why are you drinking so much? You need to go to meetings and find out. Don't stay on the outer circle too long, this is a deadly disease and you are tempting fate. We honestly care about our members and want to help and support them. Don't be afraid, we are just drunks trying to get sober' stay sober and the only way we can is to help the still sick and suffering alcoholic. You are our life blood. Reach out and ask God for help, he will if you ask him. Keep coming back!
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:08 AM
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1Free1 - I believe I drink for a variety of reasons (running from things I don't want to deal with, stress, etc.) and simply because I love how alcohol makes me feel for a while. I have been going to meetings daily and faith has never been much of a problem for me - I feel God has kept me alive through many circumstances I should not have survived. And yes, it's time to stop tempting fate or testing God.

I met with 'my sponsor' briefly last night after the meeting and tried to schedule some time with him - he said he has kids and asked if I do....when I replied yes, he said 'well then you understand' meaning how hard it's been to schedule some time to sit down one on one. I want to start working on the steps (or whatever a sponsor will have me start doing) and my fear is that it will now be another week until he may or may not have time to meet with me. I really want to get started on this now and will certainly keep my eyes/ears open at other meetings for someone with a lot of sobriety and experience with the program. I just have a feeling this guy isn't taking it as seriously as some of the other sponsors I hear talking about working the program.
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by RiverFriend View Post
1Free1 - I believe I drink for a variety of reasons (running from things I don't want to deal with, stress, etc.) and simply because I love how alcohol makes me feel for a while. I have been going to meetings daily and faith has never been much of a problem for me - I feel God has kept me alive through many circumstances I should not have survived. And yes, it's time to stop tempting fate or testing God.

I met with 'my sponsor' briefly last night after the meeting and tried to schedule some time with him - he said he has kids and asked if I do....when I replied yes, he said 'well then you understand' meaning how hard it's been to schedule some time to sit down one on one. I want to start working on the steps (or whatever a sponsor will have me start doing) and my fear is that it will now be another week until he may or may not have time to meet with me. I really want to get started on this now and will certainly keep my eyes/ears open at other meetings for someone with a lot of sobriety and experience with the program. I just have a feeling this guy isn't taking it as seriously as some of the other sponsors I hear talking about working the program.
Consider that you are in judgement.

I learned my reliance is not on anyone, and I cannot blame anyone as I can only submit to the process daily on my own.

Each day is a day, I have to do the work, by myself, in my bedroom when I wake up.

I get my big book, and follow the pages 86-88, and it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or not doing.

This is about me and God.
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:15 AM
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Two things-

Do you have to wait for him to get started? I would start on my own using resources here, then call for his help when you feel you need guidance or have questions.

Also, why not call him tonight and ask? Just say you want to see what his schedule looks like in the upcoming weeks, how much time together he thinks would be of benefit to someone getting started and if he has that kind of time available. Ask what you can do today to get moving.

It is great that you are ready and I don't think you should let anyone slow you down!

Hanna
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:33 AM
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Thanks for your responses and insight. I certainly agree that this program and my sobriety is between me and God. I am not looking for a sponsor to keep me sober or be some magical person in my life rather a source of guidance for this particular AA program. I've been reading my big book, highlighting things that stick out to me, making notes in the book, attending meetings, calling sober friends, etc. Does anyone have suggestions on working the steps - is it a free for all when it comes to methods people use to work the steps? Maybe I just don't have an accurate understanding of what this is actually about. Should I just sit down with a pen/paper and go through each step writing down my thoughts/feelings about each one? Like I said, I'm looking for guidance. Perhaps Amazon sells a tutorial.
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:51 AM
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Your sponsor will help you with the Steps. I would do it his way.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:30 AM
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Hey, River thanks for more info Hope God will clarify all this for.
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