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Help, I'm dying of shame, humiliation and embarassment

Old 03-18-2013, 07:34 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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flujays,
hello to you.
sounds like you have lots of activities in your normal daily life that are associated with drinking, so those are challenges. often, people seem to find quitting easier when they make changes in their daily and used-to-drink routines, but that's a bit harder when home with young kids and life is full of routines that can't easily be changed, such as making dinner and washing dishes
but: you can interrupt the routines by changing something, anything, maybe wash dishes after a glass of juice, cook dinner while telling your 3-year old a story, getting a cleaner is a great idea, but failing that, think of some other accompaniment while doing it. such as music, gum, a talking book.

what i'm saying, really, is that making concrete, specific plans for "trouble spots" that i knew were coming up helped me tremendously. running soon-to-happen scenarios through in my head and figuring out how i'd do them without drinking.
changing pictures in my head was also useful; from the short-term "i'll do the dishes while having a cup of yummy rooibos tea" to longer-term "while watching tv with the kids friday evening i'll drink that new grapefruit sparkle that i've been eyeing in the store..."
that kind of stuff.
and if i were to need a "reward" on friday because it's friday....well, i'd plan one ahead of time. or spend the time thinking about why on earth friday and weekend wasn't good enough as it is. i can always torture myself that way

that this is doable....yes!

that this involves change...you already know that.
that it's not easy...sure.

but yes, definitely it gets easier.
and those moments when it isn't....i decided to sit still and see what on earth a drink would do for me. and then looked to see how to find another way to get that if i really needed it.
and slowly, it evolved into a sober life.
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Old 03-18-2013, 08:39 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by shauninspain View Post
I just read another of your posts. You mentioned that you were adopted. Waddayouknow! So was I. There is no doubt that I used to blame by adoption and everything that goes with it, for my alcoholism. I am still sure that it did affect my ability to connect with people and form real deep relationships. Which has caused me many problems, and I have drunk on those problems. Adoption is difficult to understand, and how it makes you feel, if you have not been adopted. I had a daughter 19 years ago, and when she was 2 my partner left, because she couldn't deal with me anymore. Fortunately I did not loose contact with my girl, in fact we spoke last night on Skype.

Anyway, just thought I would let you know that you're not alone.
Just had to chime in as another adoptee, here, too! I know the tough issues we face when it comes to trust and abandonment. I know facing and healing them is part of healing my addiction issues.

Flujay, welcome! You are doing the right thing. Opiates are my current addiction but I was a binge drinker back in college. I had a few blackouts, had my ex tell me about dancing a bit too provocatively in public. That's the problem with booze, stuff comes out that has nothing to do with how we are normally.

So stick around here. Together we will all make it!
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:23 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Flujay, Get your husband on board, show him the responses here then maybe he can see.
You need to plan your drinking times so that that's when you need help once you've had one it's end game. So doing the dishes concentrate on not drinking that's when you need to work at it, Friday , how would you feel if you woke up sober after a struggle? How would you feel if you got wasted half remember etc , remember those thoughts as you go for the bottle.
Ask your husband perhaps by writing if he minds not having drink in the house for a time.
As time passes and it will if you want to stop it gets easier , then beware of slipping up.
If you do start again , honesty is the key. Stay close to here it will give you a lot of support.
Finally START TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.
John.
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Old 03-19-2013, 03:58 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lyoness View Post
Just had to chime in as another adoptee, here, too! I know the tough issues we face when it comes to trust and abandonment. I know facing and healing them is part of healing my addiction issues.

I had a few blackouts, had my ex tell me about dancing a bit too provocatively in public. That's the problem with booze, stuff comes out that has nothing to do with how we are normally.

So stick around here. Together we will all make it!
Lyoness, thanks so much for chiming in... you struck a chord when you mentioned the trust and abandonment issues. I know these are HUGE for me. I've always felt a deep sense of loneliness or being singular, like I'm truly alone in the world. I believe that this is a big part of why I started drinking. I always thought that once I had children, I wouldn't be alone anymore and all of my damaged bits and scars would simply fade away - I thought having children would cure all of my woes because I'd finally be part of a 'real' family. My children are the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, I love them so very deeply and yet I've continued to drink, knowing where I might end up and knowing it could damage them beyond repair. I'm so ashamed of that, so scared i won't make it and so horribly affraid of hurting the 3 little people who make my life worth living. Today is day 2. I will not drink today. Thanks everyone, you guys are gold.
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Old 03-19-2013, 04:12 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by flujays View Post
I'm astonished and so deeply touched by all of your support. I can't believe that you people cared enough to respond to my post... which in all honesty was a cry for help. I am truly grateful to you all. it feels so hopeful to know that someone cares and uderstands this unique and private pain I'm going through.
See that's the thing, it's not so unique and u never have to be alone again. Flu, u have an illness, ur not a bad person, but now that u know that u r responsible for taking care of it. AA Meetings would be an excellent start and you will find the same hope and support u have found here cuz we have all been there and can def empathize!
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Old 03-19-2013, 05:57 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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That's a smart friend you have tomsteve! I too stay sober just for today!
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Old 03-19-2013, 06:51 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I can do without. Why? Because drinking never got me anywhere except feeling like crap the next day and OMG what did I do? Seriously I was that stupid. I don't want to lose everything and I don't need to drink to fit in. Welcome and I just joined this site as well.
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Old 03-19-2013, 07:52 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Welcome, I am so glad you joined us. As others have said, you are not alone. (((hugs))
I have gone beyond saying inappropriate things to DOING things I never, ever would have done sober. And the not remembering is the worst, having people tell me what I had done. It was so humiliating, shameful. I was told I liked to remove my clothes when I drank, and it didn't matter if the kids were around or not. I also apparently would tell my b/f how much I hated him and I don't think he ever recovered from that. It is horrifying to think that I said that, because I love him so much.
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Old 03-20-2013, 04:00 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Hi Flujay. Like you - alcohol turned me into someone I didn't even recognize. I thought people were surely lying when they'd repeat things I had said. My mind doesn't even work that way - but I guess it does when I'm drunk. I completely sympathize with what happened to you.

I'm glad you are owning what happened and reaching out to do something about it. We know you can do this. Many of us - like me - drank our whole lives, and are now free. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We care.
BIB. Oh gosh, I just remembered that this used to happen to me. It's definitely more common than I thought.
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Old 03-20-2013, 08:05 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Flujays - I completely symathize with what ou are going through. I have said and done horrible things when I've been drunk - things I could never ever think I would say to a person I love. I have beens suicidal after nights like that, feeling worthless and filled with so much self-loathing. I've even envisioned running my car into a highway pillar because my husband and son would be better off without me.

But you know what stopped me? The fact that my actions (suicide) would be worse on my boys than me be brave enough to stop drinking and be the best person, mom and wife I could be for them. My sister - to whom was on the receiving end of one of my worst nights (and whom I still cannot beleive forgave me) once told me when I apologized to her - "thank you for the apology. but not ever drinking again will show me your truly sorry". And she is so very right.

Hugs. You will get through this. Go to an AA meeting, be surrounded by those of us who know what you're feeling and going through. Only you can make the decision to not drink. Good luck!
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Old 03-21-2013, 01:14 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by flujays View Post
Lyoness, thanks so much for chiming in... you struck a chord when you mentioned the trust and abandonment issues. I know these are HUGE for me. I've always felt a deep sense of loneliness or being singular, like I'm truly alone in the world. I believe that this is a big part of why I started drinking. I always thought that once I had children, I wouldn't be alone anymore and all of my damaged bits and scars would simply fade away - I thought having children would cure all of my woes because I'd finally be part of a 'real' family. My children are the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, I love them so very deeply and yet I've continued to drink, knowing where I might end up and knowing it could damage them beyond repair. I'm so ashamed of that, so scared i won't make it and so horribly affraid of hurting the 3 little people who make my life worth living. Today is day 2. I will not drink today. Thanks everyone, you guys are gold.
You're welcome. I think what you describe is pretty common. I don't have the answers but I've come to realize that somehow I have to learn to feel at home in myself, to consider myself family, if that makes sense. I think it's probably a lifelong process of learning to trust--both myself and others and experiencing that trust being fulfilled to rewire ourselves. And it definitely helps to know we're not alone in this!
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Old 03-21-2013, 06:39 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by kellyg View Post
Flujays - I completely symathize with what ou are going through. I have said and done horrible things when I've been drunk - things I could never ever think I would say to a person I love. I have beens suicidal after nights like that, feeling worthless and filled with so much self-loathing. I've even envisioned running my car into a highway pillar because my husband and son would be better off without me.

But you know what stopped me? The fact that my actions (suicide) would be worse on my boys than me be brave enough to stop drinking and be the best person, mom and wife I could be for them. My sister - to whom was on the receiving end of one of my worst nights (and whom I still cannot beleive forgave me) once told me when I apologized to her - "thank you for the apology. but not ever drinking again will show me your truly sorry". And she is so very right.

Hugs. You will get through this. Go to an AA meeting, be surrounded by those of us who know what you're feeling and going through. Only you can make the decision to not drink. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your honesty, I'm feeling much better and stronger, I really believe the time is here where I'm truly ready to stop and be the person I was meant to be. Saturday night forced me to see that I simply cannot drink. Even if I managed to moderate for a while, the risk of that ever happening again is not worth it and I would just end up with the false sense of security again that leads me down the garden path and into a drunken stupor.
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