frstnm

I recently had my sponsor take my inventory on a public forum basically making fun of a failed corporate career in front of family, friends, other addicts and clients for my business.

He also shared a dead addict and brother sponsee's 4th step information with me. I didnt want to know and wish I still didnt.

When I called him on this type of behavior and questioned our relationship and the privacy of my 4th step and personal information he got nasty.
I think we fired each other at the same time.

This along with a great deal of emotional pain from other things has left me feeling severely depressed, broken, afraid, alone, hurt, worthless and totally disillusioned with the fellowship and sponsorship. Ive been in such pain for over a month that Ive just started to go back to meetings. I guess Im feeling a little better.
Im praying and asking my hp to relieve me of my shortcomings, anger, resentment, hatred and obsessive thinking on all the crap that has been going on for many months. My faith and foundation has been truly shaken to the core.

I could use some support, ES & H and insight on why someone would do things like these.

Im going to start writing a fourth step on my X sponsor for a start.

Thanks!

ArgentOfSilvae

Hi,

I cannot comment much on the sponsor/sponsee relationship as I have never been in one. But this guy sounds like a real ****. Not only has he broken what I feel is a fundamental rule (from my limited experience of AA) of sponsorship, that being your privacy (and his previous sponsee's) but he has obviously had a severe effect on you and your sobriety.

If you are still with them dump them and find a sponsor that keeps faith

All the best

AoS

Grymt

People do stuff.
How, why, it affects us is another thing.
Going back to meetings seems like making a sensible choice.

Saskia

What you describe sounds like totally inappropriate behavior by the sponsor. Please find another sponsor and perhaps consider discussing privacy concerns up front.

S

avocado

this is why i think this whole 'sponsor' thing isn't the best idea. It puts way too much reliance on an individual who obviously has his/her own set of problems and creates a false sense of trust within a relationship dynamic that shouldn't be that trusting. Basically, people who have substance abuse issues are fundamentally not psychologically sound individuals, and no amount of 'recovery' is going to completely change that fact. This person might have found it within himself to stop drinking, but there's absolutely no reason to believe that he fixed anything else about himself, and your post makes me think that, on the contrary, he's still a bit of a sociopath or something.

Anna

I am not an AA member, but this person sounds like an idiot. I hope that doesn't discourage your recovery. Use it as a learning experience and continue to move forward with your recovery.

miamifella

Give yourself credit for having the maturity and moral bravery to confront this jerk. Though you had a tough month, your actions with this "sponsor" is evidence of good recovery. Pat yourself on the back!

Db1105

It sounds like its time for a new sponsor to take you through the steps to get to a place in life where you rely on a Higher Power rather than a person or sponsor. There is a fair amount of people in the fellowship and 'not well'. You can't blame the fellowship for these people.

It's also important that it takes due diligence to maintain anonymity on social websites.

DryRoastJim

<RANT>This concerns me greatly. I am assuming here, but was your sponsor from AA?

Does AA not have a contingency plan to get rid of assholes like this?

How can AA expect ANYONE to open up and literally give their life to someone if there is a risk of some jerk doing something as described?

There is a fault here. This has to be corrected. </rant>

For you however, not only have you been able to maintain sobriety, your #1 goal! You seem like you have been able to weather this storm reasonable well, which is fantastic!

You can honestly tell yourself that you are strong, you took a rather nasty beating, dusted yourself off and got back on track.

I also commend you for going back to AA (assuming again). I have had no experience with AA so I could be talking out of my hat - please correct me if I am.

I am at the point of taking the "next step", I want to go to an AA meeting which I'll post as another message as I want some more info.

I respect you for your what you have gone through, you have weathered a storm that may have seriously changed your sobriety!! Be proud of yourself, you are doing great!!!

Dee74

There are unfortunately 'sick' people everywhere frst, even in places like AA (and yes, I'm sure in other recovery groups too)

I agree with Grymt your reaction counts for a lot and I hope you won't let this other persons bizarre behaviour hold you back.

good to see you again
D

FreeFall

Frartnm Sorry this happened to you. Sounds like a horrible experience. I'm not in AA but if it's working well for you, keep moving forward. I hope you can find a sponsor that's more compassionate and not an a*hole next time!

Fallow

I never trusted anyone as an active user.

I still don't trust anyone with all of me. I only trust my HP.

Your post is exactly the reason why I will use a 4th step simply for the purpose of seeing my own patterns and character defects. Not in any way to prepare for a confession or report of my deep dark secrets.

That is of course unless my HP puts the person in my path who I feel I can trust 100 % with that information. I highly doubt that is a sponsor or someone I met in AA only a short time ago. My thinking says if I would not tell a friend of 25 years about it, I probably am not going to tell a guy I've known 6 months. That's just me though.

I use AA as a sobriety tool only. I cannot afford to forget that lest I add more drama to my life because there is tons of drama to be had in AA.

Sorry you went through that...

Hollyanne

2 months in AA, the two people I spent endless hours with turned nuts on me.
A man and a woman. I got myself involved in a threesome!!!
Brilliant!
The best line I got from the male after asking him why he shared a private conversation with the female was, "I have a right to repeat any conversation I was a part of. I don't need your permission to repeat the conversation".
Yup.
OK then.
So, I prayed for them every night.
I prayed so much for so many lovely things for them, I actually made myself laugh.
I took a few weeks break from my local meeting and went to others.
I then returned, held my head up high and greeted them warmly.
I never spoke of anything remotely private or vaguely personal to them again.
Never got an apology and don't know or care what they repeated to others about me.
Lesson learnt. I have jumped a few AA hurdles since.
The vast majority of people mean well.
Many are just not very reliable.
They say, "Stick with the winners", but you have to be well enough to spot the loosers.
I am getting better at that.
No drink.
I win.
You win.

Hanna

Someone does something like this because they are not okay with themselves. Lack of self esteem and envy are two primary reasons. He tried to make himself feel better but telling people negative things about you. It isn't about you but about his own issues. How you handle it going forward will drive how the people who read it feel about you, if they have any integrity.

So sorry this happened. It is such a betrayal.

This line from the Desiderata seems relevant:

"Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism."

He is one person. Please don't let this color your perception of everyone else. Some of us are pretty cool.

Peace,
Hanna

frstnm

I attend NA but I got my foundation in AA. Im glad I did. Booze was always there but I liked drugs better.
All of this is so awesome and realistic advice. My reaction, more faith, less ego, not stooping to his level, it IS completely unacceptable in four of the fellowships Ive attended. (yep, alanon and acoa too).

I actually changed Area and Regions for meetings and Im kind of liking it. Ive been thinking about making this particular change for a while now. This country boy likes meetings in the country.

He always said my fourth step was mild (not to me lol). I really dont have anything in it i havent told most people I know these days anyway. Something about honesty, Open mindedness and willingness ? Other peoples opinion is none of my business.

Thank you all. I havent been on here in about 5 years.
I think I see a lil HOPE.
hugs...

I got this defensive email and denial of his actions later today...

frstnm

God Willing I will be able to celebrate 5 years clean in june. Why dont I FEEL 5 yrs clean?

Hanna

It's always a sock in the mouth when we think we've got a good handle on life then something unexpected puts us off balance. It happens to me time and again. Then I remember that a healthy life is a practice, not something we obtain then get to put on a shelf to keep.

Every difficulty is a chance to grow even more.

Being clean doesn't mean you won't get ugly stuff thrown at you, but that you will handle it in a way that is healthy when it comes. You are experiencing bad feelings, a normal response to being betrayed. Feel those feelings knowing you have a right to them, then let go of this guy and move on. If he posted private things you shared with him as your sponsor on a public forum without your consent I would cut contact completely. Is there any more to the story? I doubt it! What he did cannot be justified so the only thing I would consider hearing is an apology.

But don't let this take away your sense of accomplishment. Those 5 years are yours, you earned them and own them.

I also will say that for me, the humility that comes with these setbacks is always a blessing in the long term.


Peace,
Hanna

soberlicious

I agree 100% with this.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression, or low self esteem - first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes"(William Gibson)

How do you want to feel? Identify that, then find and do things that make you feel that way.

Hanna

ZOMG I'm rolling on the floor laughing! Never seen that one before.

FeenixxRising

Is this something that sponsers do for sponsees, and in a public forum?