Hanna

No.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


In Step 4 of AA a person takes their own inventory. No one else should do that for anyone. We are all to focus on our own imperfections and shortcomings.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Meaning a person then shares those in confidence with someone, typically their sponsor. For that person to then share what they were told is a betrayal and abuse of the relationship. It should not happen. If someone wants to share their own issues publicly that is their decision, but would be very wrong for someone else to do so. Like a priest repeating what they heard in the confessional.

Taking5

This sounds like a sick individual. I'm sorry you went through this.

Keep in mind that there is no requirement that you divulge everything to your sponsor. AA says "to yourself, God and another human being". Your sponsor is not necessarily in that group.

I don't know if you are religious or if your religion requires confession, but I know a lot of people who did their 4th and 5th steps with a pastor/priest/rabbi/whatever, or even a lawyer. They did this because of the penitent/minister or attorney/client privileges in the USA.

There is zero need for you to tell your sponsor every little detail. Even the fifth step says "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". The "exact nature"? What does this mean? If you stole, tell your sponsor you stole. Who you stole from, how much, under what circumstances - these all go beyond "the exact nature".

A lot of folks will disagree with me on this and that is OK. This is just my take on things.

If the person you posted about was a bit more accepting of the wording and intent of the steps, I don't think you'd have a problem. Again, JMHO.

Don't give up searching for sobriety. You can do this.

bemyself

When you're looking for your next sponsor.... the sponsor I had for a few months until recently took a very ethical view of the 'other human being' part: she was adamant that it NOT be her for all the obvious reasons

So, if / when I ever get around to 'doing' Step 4 and then its 'admission', I already have in mind a local Buddhist nun whom I met recently - she just came to run a meditation group in my recent rehab stay; I just knew, in my heart, and from her whole body language and way of speaking, that: 'here is someone who will simply listen, with compassion, empathy, warmth and non-judgement.

Good on you, for exercising your discernment and moving on! I truly believe it's sooo important for us to 'take back' our innate wisdom and judgment about what and who is 'right' for us to be around, when we've got sober. In AA, there is sometimes too much of what I consider to be slightly slavish obsequience to sponsors, and highly vulnerable people (sponsees) can be harmed. Just my observations.

frstnm

Good thing I took a few things to a therapist.
he is gone but has sent me several emails exusing and denying his behavior.
he has been marked as spam
I wont even respond to his crap. Let HIM stew in it.

May spring be here soon !

Deluxe

The reality is that 99.9% of sponsors are not in an way experientially qualified to be giving any sort of formal D and A advice or counselling except specifically within the reference of the 12 steps of AA. It's guidance through the 12 steps specifically.

Some seem to treat longevity in the program with a touch of God Syndrome especially when they sponsor. That is a generalisation obviously and is a disservice to so many fantastic sponsors if used only as a generalisation.

ru12

Nowhere in the first 164 pages of the Big Book, which is the program of AA, does it tell anyone to get a sponsor. Infact it doesn't even mention the word "sponsor". I wonder why that is?

frstnm

Although I spent nearly three years in AA almost specifically I do the steps out of the flatbook from NA. Its just a step working guide. Makesit easy for simple ppl like me..lol Far too complicated. I like simple. I DID use a little worksheet from said x sponsor's wife from AA to do some 4th step turnarounds which I knew in my gut was the solution. X Sponsor hated it.

Oh yeah, the fellow ship. No Unity. Did some Area/Regional Finance service as chair to the committee. Area is broke...wtf ? Ive dont some high end business consulting in infrastructure,IT, Finance and nonprofit (which 12 step fellowships are) and I have never seen a more ****** up entity that cant or wont communicate and just plain a bunch of complacency, ego and procrastination from my observations. And believe me I took the area apart piece by piece/ made recommendations and resigned only to be immediately nominated for area treasurer and had my report changed w/o permission or time to respond by someone with 30 years who was a woman I really trusted. Time doesnt equal recovery...

Funny, now that I told them that simple communication was the resolution to most of their problems. Area is back in the black, website is up to date but not for meeting finding....and what has closed etc. Spending from the major offenders has been cut until they can come up with supporting documentation for all the money they were blindly reimbursed month after month....

Hmmmm....food for thought. LOL

wiscsober

This is unfortunate and disheartening to hear. For myself because of shameful and unlawful situation from a sponsor I decided not to go back to a different 12step fellowship. I wasn't at fault, but I had to work through my anger and resentment, mainly through a 4th and 5th. Otherwise I could easily have drank and died. Revealing another person's 5th step can have dire consequences and has happened many times in the past.

Remember the 12steps and 12 traditions are the program. It doesn't change.

People are the fellowship and is always influx.

I try to impress on newcomers no member is better than others.

Many old-timers will say who ever got up earliest has the most sober time. Very true.

People in early recovery are as important as any guru or big book thumper. I've seen many people succeed with 12th step work were I couldn't.

Alcoholics have serious unaddressed boundary issues. I attend Alanon for boundary and privacy issues with family, sponsor, sponsee, friends, etc. but I try to keep the focus on myself.

Remember no AA can put forth any regulation, restriction, guide to behavior. Yet, we do not want to use someone's unacceptable behavior for us to quit on our sobriety.

wiscsober

I see no need to bash AA within this thread. I think it has more to do with how to work the steps, and conduct ourselves as recovering members pertaining to other members.

I've heard all of the present day arguments going on dating back decades.

Let go and move on. Help others.

shockozulu

I love the flat book. It saved my butt.

I served in a sick area too. I was also an officer. I resigned. It is all about my recovery and brewing around sick people made it worse. Even our Central Office was investigated by the DA. Still, I have continued to find the good meetings and attend those on a regular basis. When I've had issues like yours I found a strong fourth step on the matter did help.

frstnm

yeah, I wrote a 4th step on my old sponsor and just need to find a clergy member to hear it. I dont think I will ever share my fourth step with another addict again. Unless its a sponsee and I choose what to share.
Glad to hear Im not the only one with a sick area. I talked to several people with a lot of time who had gone to my area/region and come back and said lets join Granite State NA- area. CMNA is too screwed up.
Pfft. The sponsor actually showed at one of my meetings and "told" me to call him.
Im sorry, it wasnt a nice response. Basically, I laughed in his face and told him I wouldnt have blocked him in every way possible IF I wanted to talk to him.
I was very polite to his wife who did nothing.
Changed some meetings, reaching out to different people and found a temp sponsor who has 4 times the recovery of my old one. Not that time equals recovery.
Back to work and back to work in recovery.... Peace !