Timeforchange10

Hi, not sure what to write here. I'm hung over to the max AGAIN! For the 3rd time this week. I'm a terrible binge drinker who does not know when to stop. So many nights I can't remember some of the night or how I got home. Went to a wedding last Saturday and ended up blind drunk and not remembering the end of the night and embarrassed myself in front of people I haven't seen in years. So much regret the next day every time I drink so why the hell do I do it? 12 yrs ago I use to be a speed addict. I was so proud of myself for giving up drugs by myself but I see now I just replaced it with drinking I go through stages like this week I have drunk a lot and its coz I lost my job (not be coz of the drinking but restructure) so I have plenty of time on my hands atm.

I don't think I have ever actually tried hard to give up binge drinking. The next day is always the same filled with depression, regret, wasting a whole day in bed and promising myself I gotta give it up but when I feel good again in a day Or so it's like I go on auto pilot and just go to the shop and get alcohol without even thinking about it. I do not have much self control at all and wonder how the hell I'm going to stop and mainly stay focused that I want to stop. How do u all stay focused? I'm so tired of it all I'm tired of the hang overs I'm tired of all the regret. I have done so many stupid things but just continue to drink why? I would have to walk away from most my friends too coz that's all they do to socialise as well so I keep putting it off I guess. I've struggled with depression most of my life and I know drinking makes it worse but I just don't know how to stop. My friends tell me that I don't have a problem with drinking only that I don't know when to stop once I start but deep down if I'm really honest with myself I think I do have a problem.. Can't tell u a week that I didn't have a drink at all. Come Friday night and its drinking time. How do u break the habit?

I've had a friend that went to AA and she told me a lot about it but I don't think it's for me this is a small town.

For any advice I would gladly appreciate.

Thanks for reading..

instant

The cycle is relentless and gets worse. The longer it went on the further I dug myself into a hole. Even after I decided I could never win with a losing hand it was hard to get out of the trap.

It can be done with practice if you surrender to sobriety unconditionally

Marcher13

Timeforchange there are a lot of us starting out on a new road to sobriety, come and have a look at our March Class thread and join in if you think it's for you.

Dee74

Hi and welcome timeforchange

I broke the habit by making a lot of changes - changes in what I did to relax, changes in who I hung out with, and changes in where I hung out at.

It wasn't easy - but drinking nearly killed me - I really REALLY wanted to change...and I did

I couldn't remember a night I hadn't gotten drunk, let alone a week..now I'm nearly 6 years sober - this place has had a lot to do with that.

Support was the other side to the equation to me - support and change.

Really glad you've joined us - there really is another way

D

deeker

AA/NA saved my life and I personally love it but there are alternatives, I haven't tried them but they have worked for plenty of others. Don't beat urself up, ur not alone anymore and we want to help!

Taking5

The second A in AA stands for anonymous. I know its a small town but anonymity breaks are rare. Please reconsider trying a meeting.

Serenityforme

Wow Timeforchange your blog could have been written by me!!! I also gave up the same drug 12 years ago by myself..I understand the pride you feel about that. BUT, I could also drink copious amounts whilst taking the evil stuff although I never got drunk - or should I say I never blacked out!! For me, speed, cocaine, Ectasy and drink all went hand in hand. It was the 90,s and I grew up in a hedonistic culture. It was all about music,dancing, tripping, tuning in and dropping out.. I was in my 30,s and still at it even though I worked and was a mother!!!!!!!! That was what eventually made me stop the drugs. My house was a bit iof a chillout zone and one weekend (kids were at their fathers) my bf at the time went round the house and found at least 6 pills scattered around in various places amongst the bodies "chilling"..That really scared me and I ended my affair with substances that had lasted about 22 years on and off (started at 14)
I was so pleased with myself and of course I could still drink because it was legal right? Yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah...sound familiar?? What I now realise that I didnt know/accept then is that I am an addict!! It doesnt matter which drug OR drink of choice I pick up...I will become its slave eventually...Its taken a further 12 years to get here..I am estranged from my daughters for the last 4 years. Work have asked me to get signed off for two weeks as they received reports I was "out of it" last mothering Sunday They have to go through the whistleblowing procedure but have assured me they want to help, that I am hard working and a valued member of staff...I cried buckets. Do I, this selfish, weak person deserve such trust and caring???? I have hit my rock bottom. I have to face it NOW. Like you I am sick to my stomach of all the excuses, hangovers,depression,blaming others for my excuse to drink. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions in a sober world like everyone else has to. I almost feel demonic, like an evil spirit is trapped in my body - does that make any sense? does anyone else feel like this?? I have felt suicidal. I have a wonderful husband - of 5 years - who loves me like I,ve NEVER experienced before..I,ve pushed and pushed but he is there and wants to help. He is a non drinker but did the steps 20 years ago for his coke addiction. You see, God/higher power/guardian angel - has placed all these wonderful people in my life to help..I am frightened to death that I will f... up like I always have before. My hubby found SR for me in Jan and I joined the Jan class on the 15th. I relapsed on day 36 then had another relapse last Sunday (mothers day). I still follow their posts and am in awe of their sobriety days. Some, like me ,have fallen along the way and I detected that it really affects those who are maintaing their sobriety so I dont want to post and jepordise ANYONES journies or give their AVs any fuel for the fire..Im hoping to introduce myself to the March group. I hope they will accept me. Timeforchange I will see you there, WE CAN do this. I really dont want to die during a blackout because thats eventually what WILL happen, even worse than that I dont want to kill anyone driving whilst blacked out!!! God, I am so ashamed of how selfish it has made me over the years..
My life is now dedicated to recovery. To free myself from the shackles of ego, to be a productive member of the planet. I have always admired the Dalai Lama and now more than ever I would love to really "feel" his message and act on it rather than have his picture next to Buddha, candles and josticks burning whilst "off my face" DOING nothing.
wishing you peace on your jouney

Tyre

Thanks Timeforchange for writing that so much of it reminded me of me.
I was heavilly into speed and coke in my younger days (thinking back on my wedding engagement party the bill for coke came to about AUD8k) but it was and still is the booze that has been the harder things to kick.

There are some people that I have not told (but I think they will have an idea or know) of my struggles with booze. I too have been there at a wedding, drunk as skunk (so I was told) and so it doesn't take too much for people to put two and two together.

I was restructured out of a job with a big cheque and lots of time available to me - it became one of the most horrible periods of my life with bottles of wine for breakfast and interviews where I was so hungover I could barely speak.

I achieve most success when I put not drinking at my top of mind, making it my number one priority above all else and reminding myself so I don't get on auto-pilot - honestly I have had moments when I looked down and there was a drink in my hand and I thought 'how did that get there? so I need to be mindful of what I am doing.

Some of my friends tell me I don't have a problem with drinking, despite the evidence, that I should have one or two and leave it at that.But my eyes see my world and I know , that they might be well meaning or that it the most convenient thing for them to say for various reasons, but that is not the case.Some of my friends are just supportive - it tends to be the ones that don't drink heavilly.

At the start of working on my problem, I was ashamed. I think that just was just an extension of the self-loathing that I have when I wake up after with little recall of what happened and feeling like crap and disappointed in myself.
That (the feeling of being ashamed as I wanted to be normal) wore off after awhile. Now I think that I'm a nice guy who has an alcohol problem and that situation is pretty normal.

But if I had a choice,, I'd rather deal with my issue and be known as a guy who was doing that than seek an image of being normal and not dealing with it - I've learnt that the latter is impossible to achieve succesfully.

The friend that went to AA sounds like a good friend to have.
Any other options?
All the best and thanks again for posting.
T