partofmyjourney

Hi everyone

I often browse the articles and posts on here and finally joined today. I know I have an issue with alcohol, not in denial but not sure how to get out of this hole... Anxiety and panic came first, which led my doctor to prescribing a/d, low dose xanax (a few years back). I felt myself growing "accustomed" to xanax, even in small doses (ie 1/2 to 1 .25mg daily max for a few weeks) and asked for other options whilst staring therapy. His idea? A few glasses of wine. Which eventually became a bottle a few times a week. This was a few years back & got through that bit kept drinking, daily sometimes, weekly only at others, but I often thought about it; having it or not having it, and obsessed over my own mothers alcoholism which is slowly killing her (total denial) and feared the worst for myself.
Anxiety/ panic came back with a bang recently despite 4 years of therapy.
Tried 3 a/d with no luck, now on 75mg effexor which isn't perfect but is helping. But sleep/ winding down a huge issue and started self med with alcohol, which I know is no real help or solution. I want to stop and feel in some way ready, as if life is waiting on the other side, not thinking it will be magic or easy but have tried previously and failed. I'm trying to be kind to myself and forgive myself for self medicating. My new dr recommended a few glasses of wine. Seriously. I said I can't always stop at 2 and he said he couldn't either but mellowed with age. I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon and will be asking straight out for something to help sleep and will be letting both know I have an issue with drinking. I feel scared but more scared not too. I thought maybe tapering down would work but guess what?! It hasn't! Day 1: 5 beers, as planned ( switched to beer after reading hams). Day two; was meant to be 4. Had 5. Day three; today; was planning 3-4. Had 6....
I believe in the concept of aa but have met a few zealots that have scared me a little. I attended two meetings and the second time had a really creepy guy follow me back to my car. It's a smaller community, I have two small children & hubby away often and it freaked me out a lot. There are women's only meetings but they are an hour away and usually on when hubby not here and can't get a sitter. An aa lady told me to bring the kids- well I'd just love my outspoken, storytelling 4yo to share the stories he would here there in Kindy. She said it was an excuse; possibly?, but I think it is more an effort to save any additional pain in our lives. The stories in aa I heard were NOT suitable for a 4 year olds ears.
So I'm ready but lost? Where do I start? Fearing further panic/ anxiety from stopping, as I am very sensitive; to EVERYTHING, and all I want is a hug, some empathy, a kick up the ass, medical wisdom for my anxiety, panic & alcoholism and some emotional & spiritual & practical guidance in how to stop. Rehab sounds like a world away; if I had to go my husband would lose his job most probably & we would lose our home after not too long. The kids need me. I'm not so blind (no pun intended ) that I think I can do this alone; but where do I start? I want someone to talk to; face to face; that gets this. Anyone east coast Australia putting their hands up? I wish we lived in a world where you knew easily and shamelessly the closest living, loving recovered alcoholics that could guide you through. I wish drs were more helpful. I wish I could sleep peacefully. I wish I felt good enough about life to know alcohol was not a pre-requisite for surviving. And I wish there weren't so many of us suffering so deeply that we would poison ourselves from the very thing we call help. I recently watched Russell Brand's "From Addiction To Recovery". Wow. So inspirational I cried for the most part (as I did in aa meetings). I wish I'd gotten to al-anon or even known about it before I ended up at aa. And I wish that the entire medical system would get organised and help all the people suffering with this and related maladies find the help they need more easily. I just don't know what to do anymore and it's killing me. Any thoughts? Loving ones please!
Xxx

Rosieblue

Welcome to sr partofmyjorney

Have you thought of joining the march class here it's for people stopping drinking in march. I am in the January class and it's helped me immensely.

Hope you find a path that suits you

least

I too became someone I didn't like when I was drinking. It was hard to stop, it was such a habit and an addiction too. I started by not drinking just one day at a time and continued each day. I don't go to AA either. I've kept my sobriety from the support I get on this forum and what I get from my counselor. Over three years so far.

I'm glad you joined us.

Obladi

Yes, pomj, please do come join the March class. We have no expectations - no tests: you don't "have" to read, you don't "have" to respond to everyone, you don't "have" to do anything at all aside from attend. (Announcing yourself would be nice, though, just so we can say HI!)

We will welcome you with open arms and give you support around the clock. We have at least a coupla Aussies checking in there.

For double the support, you can also check in on the sober weekend thread - a group of folks in various stages that come together for the weekend to unite in abstinence.

Finally (but not lastly!), I would suggest that you poke around in all corners of this board and read. You will find a tremendous amount of wisdom as well as people who are in the same state you are. It's a lovely community with the only goal being to help each other while helping ourselves.

Welcome!

Fandy

ditto....when I limped in here 3 years ago, Least was one of my first online friends in the forum and had barely 90 days....I followed her example and appreciate our daily online exchanges. I do not practice a formal program either, but I connect with others every day here. I especially appreciate the Gratitude section, it helps to keep me grounded...almost 2 years sober.

welcome, we are glad you decided to join us.

partofmyjourney

RosieBlue; thank you x No I had not even seen those groups but will look into now; I may be a contender for the Mar/Ap group. Thanks again. And know that what you are doing is right just as I know where I am right now is not. Much love & support xxxx

partofmyjourney

Dear Least. Wow. Three YEARS!!! I want to be you right now! Well done x I'm not anti aa, I think they have some great ideas but as you may know; it doesn't seem right right now. I love this forum already and I am so grateful for your post as I sit up, nauseated and fearful and dreading tomorrow. It's people like you who inspire me to get well. I hope this forum can work for me too x

Nattythreads

Welcome POMJ and all hail to you!

Thought you might find this interesting. I'm not a huge fan of R Brand by any stretch of the imagination but this is a compelling piece:

Actually the link's in the next post as it's telling me I need 15 posts before I can add a link

Nattythreads

....and here is said link!

Russell Brand: My life without drugs | Culture | The Guardian

partofmyjourney

Dear Obladi, Thank you so much. I will join the March class. Feeling toxic right now. Hubby & kids sleeping while I write this, guilt overwhelming. I'm a mess; yet still contemplating the next beer. Wtf is wrong with me? Oh , that's right alcoholism... All I can say is that you are all where I dream to be so please keep going x There was something else in your message I meant to respond to but it's lapsed. Take me as the crappy side you will go to in a relapse! The disorientated one. Thank you. And love your name . Where does it come from? X

partofmyjourney

Dear Fandy; barely 90 days- total awesomeness !!! 7 is a stretch for me! Sobriety is like a promised land Im not sure if I deserve. One of my fave wines was called just that, oh the irony of life. Least sounds like an amazing soul; and this is what I want to one day emulate; sharing my wisdom not woes with others; THANK YOU.
Gratitude. Wow. It's a huge thing I know. My bf sent me a book called Simple Abundance many years ago and it centres on gratitude. Thanks for reminding me. I am grateful for what I have but get caught up in misery. I appreciate the reminder xxxx

partofmyjourney

Dear Natty Threads! Thank you. I've read his " Booky Wooks" 1 & 2 and really loved them. He's all the things a person should not be in society yet be has somehow managed to find his place. I haven't viewed the link you sent yet but will do; my mobile Internet is very close to being chronically overcharged. He's an egocentric, self obsessed sex addict on some levels but also I feel just a lost soul trying to make good in this world. Anyway, thank you and keep up what you are doing; it's sooooo worth it xxxxx

nancylee

Hi,
There are many paths to recovery. I went to rehab, came here and used womenforsobriety.org online. All great. AA didn't work for me, but there are other options. Keep trying until you feel comfortable somewhere.

And moderation doesn't work. Can you do outpatient rehab and the March class here? To get sober, I had to be willing to do whatever it took. You can do this. It is really a decision, and then get support for decision.
Peace,
Nancy

artsoul

Welcome partofmyjourney!

I think we can all relate to your story. Alcohol boxed me into a corner, too, and all attempts to cut down/moderate my drinking failed in the long run. Coming here is a great way to start - we really do know what it's like.

Sasha4

I remember lurking here for a long time.
I was in awe of people who had a year.
I never, ever thought I would get a year.

I joined and started posting but still kept drinking.
I can remember people saying they felt completely different after giving up drinking and I wanted to know why. I understood the physical bit, like the hangovers, but not the mental bit. I remember someone saying it is like 'peace' in your mind. And they were so, so right.

You stop having that internal battle with yourself.
I used to swear to never drink again in the morning and by early afternoon I was contemplating having one. Which turned to to two, then four and so on.
Like you I had guilt, I felt bad, I needed to know why I was like this.

Slowly I started to get 'it'.
On feb 14 2013, I decided no more.
It was almost a little test for myself. How long could I go?
My days stacked up. I always took it one day at a time. I still do. I did not think forwards to birthdays, holidays, christmas. I kept in the now.

I got a year on Feb 2013!!!
Yes me, who would never, ever have thought I could last a night!

I also suffered from sleep problems, anxiety and depression.
I sleep so much better now.
My anti-depressents work because I am not mixing them with booze.
There is no point taking them if you are going to drink!
The anxiety is not perfect but it has decreased.
I think you will find a lot of the mental health problems go when you put down your glass.

Drink scares me now.
Looking at a bottle of wine fills me with dread.
It reminds me of hangovers, blackouts, arguments and bad times.
I associate it with nothing good in my life.

My advice would be get yourself a few days and see how different you feel.
Keep busy, don't feel like you are loosing out by not drinking. Read, learn and post here as much as you can.
For a lot of us mums, that innocent glass of wine on a night when the kids are in bed can lead to a lot more destruction and heartache than we probably ever knew.

I wish you the absolute best from the bottom of my heart.
I want you to find what we have found here too xx