My Kids deserve better.....
 

Hey Everyone!

I have been coming on this site off and on for the past week and finally decided it was time to join. I am a 28 year old mom of two beautiful young children and I have come to the realization that alcohol has become an unmanageable aspect of my life. Here is my summarized background.....

Alcohol has effected my life ever since I can remember. My mom was an alcoholic and I have not one memory of her being sober. She passed away March 2010 due to acute liver failure. Being raised by an alcoholic, drinking was the norm. My brother and I were used to seeing mom crack open a beer before driving us to school. At a young age I learned to hate the sound of a can being opened. We had a frdige in our garage dedicated just to beer. There were alot of messed up things that happened in our childhood due to my mom being drunk all the time. Fast forward to highschool my mom had moved us to a new state b/c of a man she met.... Being the new kid was tough especially my first year in highschool...i missed my friends...this is when I started drinking becuase hey why not....I had unlimited access to it and a drunk mom who didn't care. I hung out with other kids that did the same thing. I would say I drank recreationally to start...on the weekends. In college of course I drank....everyone that I hung out with did. While in college I got two DUI's okay this is when I start to realize I might have a problem...I make bad decisions when I drink and I drink way to much. I graduate college, get a job, move in with my college sweetheart. He drinks to. Differance between him and I he knows his limit I do not. 3 years later we have our son. the love of my life. I have no problem at all not drinking while I'm pregnant...so I must not have a problem right...(wrong) I breastfeed him for 6 months...dont even think about drinking...then I go back to work....its stressful, daycare costs alot, we buy a house that costs alot...well hell Im stressed Im going to drink.... I drink everyday,...I dont get drunk but I drink. I have a few beers every night after work. You would think me seeing my mom in the ICU would make me not want to drink...except it was the opposite I drank more. I had a flask in my purse at her funeral. I have used alcohol as a stress reliever my whole adult life. After my mom died I started getting anxiety attacks and to cope with them I would drink. When in actuality drinking made my anxiety worse. I wake up and take a shot before work. I think about drinking while at work. This past week I wanted to see if I could stop so Sunday & Monday I didn't have one drink....I felt great and proud of myself and then last night I drank...probably 5-10 shots of 100 proof vodka...I feel like $hit today. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years (I think part of the reason we are not married is b/c of things that have happened between us while I was really drunk like fighting) we have 2 beautiful kids I've asked him to stop drinking with me...he will not.

I feel as if I am rambling on but I have come to this site to try and get support from other people that are going through the same thing. I don't want to drink anymore....I am not YET physically addicted to alcohol but I am very much psychiologically addicted to it. It has become second nature to me to drink. As soon as I get home from work. I start with the shots. I don't want to be like my mom. My kids deserve better. I hope I can gain strength from you all to stop this cycle before it gets worse.

Welcome to SR... Always remember you deserve better too ;-) You will find a lot of hope, experience, love & support here.

You can do this! Take Care ~ NB

Hi there RightLaine, you've come to a great place to get support, good for you. I'm a mum of young children and there are a few of us around but everyone here will support and encourage your decision to change your life for the better.

Thank you Both! I know I deserve better too but I don't think I have it in me to do it for ME....If it weren't for my kids I think I would just keep on living like I am. Alcohol has become so much apart of my life I don't know what I am going to do without it. And it is hard that my partner won't stop . That damn bottle of Vodka stares me in the face all night long. If I didn't have it in the house I don't think it would be as hard. I am admitting that I have a problem with it...he is not. I am so mad at myself for those drinks last night...I couldn't even last a week :(

This is your mantra:

"This past week I wanted to see if I could stop so Sunday & Monday I didn't have one drink....I felt great and proud of myself"

It's tough but you have the motivation, the courage and your youth. You can do it. You have demonstrated that you are not hooked.

Welcome to the lifeboat. Grab an oar.

There's rat poison somewhere in the house isn't there? Got cravings for it? No? Why?

It's poison.

Vodka is people poison.

the bottle should be labelled: Not to be taken internally.

I really feel for you that your partner is not supporting you, I'm sure that in some of the other threads there will be advice so maybe take a look there or start a thread there asking for advice.

I appreciate the positive feedback. I don't know why I do it to myself....I've been haveing panic attacks all day which I know were caused by drinking to much last night...I'm really going to try and start yet another day 1.

I decided to quit for many of the same reasons. I have two small kiddos and one on the way. I wasn't drunk all the time but I sure was drunk A LOT. I would imagine I've been drunk at each of their birthday parties. I haven't been a bad dad... but I sure could have been better. And I have to admit... most of the mistakes I made as a father, in reflection, were because of alcohol. And if not the alcohol - the regret from drinking.

I also started having panic attacks from those awful hangovers. Feeling like death, like I might die, like I could pass out or have a seizure at a stop light when boxed in by other cars. Heart attack symptoms. Heartburn. Awful, awful digestive irregularity. All because of drinking.

When you spend the time sober and reflect on how much life improves sober vs. how incredibly awful it is in the cycle of drunk/hungover... it seems insane to live any other way than sober.

I started this quest for the same reasons you have. I was becoming more and more like you described your mom. If I stop now I will avoid that cycle. My kids are young enough they won't remember the countless beers and bottles of wine. They will know a sober, involved dad... who doesn't feel like he might pass out from panic attacks at stoplights. =)

Stay strong.

Paddler your post made me smile....I have the same exact thing happen with the panic attacks....If I am stuck in a line of traffic or on a bridge or in a tunnel I immediatley start to feel as if I am going to die or have a seizure. I was in a meeting at work today totally zoned out secretly checking my pulse becuase was convinced I was about to pass out! Ugh why do we do this to ourselves?!? My kids are both young enough to not remember so that is why I need to stop now. I know how horrible it was growing up in a single family home with an alcoholic. Hopefully over time we will see we are doing it for us but in the meantime our kids are the best reason in the world to stop!! Good luck to you as well

LOL... yes, bridges, tunnels, traffic lights, pulse checking, not sleeping or waking up in the middle of the night wondering if breathing was becoming difficult or your heart was stopping... on and on and on.

I actually went to the hospital in June during a particularly awful hangover post binge. I thought I was having a heart attack. They did the whole $1000 work up. They did a stress test and the doc working the stress/treadmill test told me I was in better shape than anyone he'd seen in months on the treadmill, lol.

All of that because of heartburn and a hangover.

It is insane... it really is. But yet we always seem to forget about those rough times and turn up that bottle again. I've always found 2 weeks to be the danger zone. I'll make it 14 days... panic and anxiety gone. Cravings for hangover relief drinks gone. Coffee tastes wonderful. Sleep soundly for hours and wake up to the sunrise. Then the demon calls my name. I'm trying and will continue to try until only sobriety exists in my life. I know I will never be a normal drinker. I'll never be able to have just one or two.

Welcome Rightlaine!

Take it easy on yourself today and remember that the anxiety will go away as long as you don't drink. It really does feel good to wake up after getting through a day sober, doesn't it? Those first days aren't easy (especially with a drinker in the house), but you can do this.

Things really do get better. At the beginning, I was staying sober an hour or a minute at a time and was on this forum constantly to deal with the cravings. Whatever it takes, just go for it - you won't be sorry!

Stopping for your kids is a good enough reason.
It is essentially stopping for you too because, YOU don't want your children having a drinking mother. So, it is for your serenity.
As for your partner, leave him off for now.
If he is not willing/interested in stopping, so be it.
Go ahead and get sober yourself.
Harder, but by no means impossible.
Have you considered AA? Or, some other support?
Take it one day at a time.
Today, I will not drink.
Tomorrow, start again.
Welcome to SR.

Welcome Rightlaine

I've got a young child too.It's a great point you state about whether you'd do it for you or just doing it for them.truthfully, I stopped because I wasn't being the best mum I could be and I was scared that it would get worse and as my son got older and more aware I was worried about what he might see. Truthfully, I don't think I would have stopped if I was childless. I've been sober 3 months now and surprisingly, I love it :) I want to keep it that way, for me too now

welcome to SR RightLAine :)

D

Welcome to this site. You will find so much support and help here!

:welcome


Stopping for your kids is a good reason so use that motivation to stay sober. They deserve the best mom you can be and so do you.:)

Welcome to SR and congratulations for deciding that you want a better life for you and your children!

I, too, grew up with an alcholic parent, my adoptive dad, and don't think I ever saw him sober/not hungover til I was in my 20s. For years I vowed I would never be like him, but I got drunk once at 16 and that was all it took. Then it went to marijuana and now I am dealing with an opiate addiction.

I think that when we grow up seeing it, even if it is a very negative experience, a deeper thing is happening--and that is that we are learning that the way to deal with life, stress, pain is to check out using whatever substance works for us. And I also believe that we start absorbing this message at a very, very early age, preverbal. So it's never too soon to quit for yourself and your precious children!

Definitely stay here on SR, especially when you're having cravings. Being here got me through a lot of tough cravings at the beginning. The support here is lifesaving.

Welcome RightLAine. :) I'm so glad you posted and told your story. I hope you feel a bit better for having done that. My anxiety level went down a few notches after I joined here.

I found myself drinking 'round the clock in the end. I drank at work all day and even got dui's. I became totally dependent on it - but it never made me high or happy like it once had. When I joined SR I found the strength and courage to stop all together. I had felt all alone until then. I was much older than you when I finally reached the conclusion you have. Be proud of yourself for facing this now, in your 20's. There will be a happy ending. You can do this.