5 weeks sober BUT having some serious cravings
 

So I have been addicted to painkillers off and on for the past 3 years. It started off with simple 5mg hydro because of Kidney stones but I did not realize that I loved the feeling until after the birth of my dauther. I had a c-section and when she was 6 weeks old I had gall bladder surgery and more kidney stones. When I finally decided enough was enough I was up to taking easily over 100mg per day if not per dose of Roxis (don't ask me how I convinced my Dr to give them to me I just always found ways it seems...I never paid for them on the streets they were always script...I just didn't take them as directed)

I decided to quit in November and I was doing well but then I had a miscarriage in December and I relapsed in a big way. I took really high doses through out December and January. Then my Grandma passed in January I was sad and of course I turned to pills. Well finally the first week of February I decided to quit again and I have been sober ever since...5 1/2 weeks :) the longest I have made it in 3 years withough finding a way to get my hands on some type of narcotic.

Well fastforward a few weeks and my Dad was killed in a car accident. All his fault and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt and he was more than likely intoxicated...I am so thankful he did not hurt anyone else...it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I found out about his death and I am STRUGGLING with keeping my pain killer cravings at bay....I was doing so good before his death that I feel like this was a MAJOR setback in my recovery and my life...I know that is selfish but it is true and to top it all off I found out that he had been lying to me all these years and has been married for FIVE freaking YEARS! Who freaking does that?! That is like some straight up daytime soap opera bs! Right? I mean we were never the closest because he was abusive but I would not have cared if he moved on and found someone new its just so bizarre.

So anyways my life is all drama and I have just been wanting to escape so bad....I even swear I feel pain from a kidney stone even though I am sure I don't have one and it is my mind playing tricks on me....and I know all it takes is for me to shoot my dr a quick email and I will have my script in my hands in 24-48 hours......ugh...

Oh and yes I am setting up to see a counselor but unfortunately that takes time and my addiction spares me no time especially at night...

I havent had a real sleep since I found out about my Dad too so that is just another thing that is driving me crazy...

Sorry I know this is long..too long...I am just losing it and didn't no where else to turn...no one really understands in my family...I try to talk to my husband or Mom about it but they don't get it....

Welcome to SR but I'm really sorry for your pain and for your loss Sarah.

The thing I found out about drugs tho is they never help me throuh anything, especially grief.

All they did was keep me in a holding pattern because all I ever did was run away from engaging and dealing with my grief.

Sadness is painful and uncomfortable and it sucks - but it's a natural reaction to death and tragedy.

Working through sadness we get through to the other side where we can remember the good times and the good memories, start to smile a little again, and come to terms with our loss.

Drugs halt that process. Don't waste years grieving like I did. The wound never heals when we never expose it to the air.

D

Sounds like you've done a heck of a job so far. I imagine it wasn't easy staying sober 5 weeks, why not keep it going? Sorry about your dad. Sendin some love north from southern Oregon.
-Ted

Welcome to SR Sarah :) I am really sorry for your loss. But as far the addiction going I think you're winning :) It is natural to have cravings, just don't give in to them and keep going. Maybe you could post regularly on here for support? x