someguy123

My entire life I have heard people tell me that that if I would never accomplish my dreams if I indulge and drug and alcohol use. Guess what? None of that ever came to fruition. The first time I got drunk, I was 10 years old. By the time I was 14, I was binge drinking every weekend. I've experimented with just about every drug there is to experiment with and never got addicted to any of them. My drug of choice is alcohol.

Most people get a swift kick in the ass, that tells them that their drinking has become a problem in their lives. That never happened to me. I got into one of the best business schools in the country. I get straight A's in everything. I work on Wall Street and have been breaking company records since my second day on the job (while still in school.) My personal portfolio has been kicking the ever living **** out of the S&P 500 since I was 15. When it comes to work/school/investing, I really don't know what failure tastes like.

I turn 21 next month and over the last ~2 years I have become completely drug free (was never really a problem for me anyway) and my alcohol consumption has increased exponentially, due a series of traumatic experiences in my personal life. I need to drink ~10 drinks just to fall asleep at night and when Friday or Saturday rolls around, it is not uncommon for me to down over 20 drinks. None of this has stopped me from spending 18 hours per day working/studying/going to school/commuting and excelling at every single goal I set for myself, but it has gotten to the point where I know that this lifestyle is not sustainable and something needs to change.

I kind of feel like I am trapped in a viscous cycle of workaholism/alcoholism. I always need to be doing one or the other (sometimes mixing the two). I write this as I'm sipping on a scotch on the rocks and watching a movie I have already seen before. I am ashamed to say that this has sort of become my fall asleep routine. I just don't know what to do. The feeling I get when I'm laying in my bed sober at 4AM, with no hope of falling asleep before I have to wake up to start the day is the most depressed/neurotic/anxious thing I have ever felt.

Truth be told, I have no desire to become completely sober, but I wish I could go back to being the Thursday-Saturday binge drinker I used to be. Anyone have any advice?

Grymt

Alcoholism is progressive.

Marcher13

Your luck seems to be holding someguy because you found SR.

Branches

Welcome to the board, Some Guy!

I think the fact that you sat down with your laptop/tablet and found this website is a good sign that deep down inside you know it's just a matter of time until you either drop dead from overwork and overdrink or one day you won't be able to pack the demon back in the box and you'll show up to work roaring drunk. Good for you for listening to your gut. You sound like a remarkable person, but maybe a little (lot) lonely. Staying busy and staying buzzed keeps one from thinking a lot about their lives.

Read the posts and the threads. You're not alone and not the only high-functioner walking the tightrope. There are a lot of solid, gracious, intelligent, compassionate, insightful funny former drinkers here, and I daresay that quite a few of them have been where you are and have transformed their lives into something much, much better. You deserve some happiness - not just monetary success. Please stick around and let us know how you do.

MemphisBlues

Well, you're young. Give it some time and the promises of alcoholism will come true. It just took 30 years of my active addiction to destroy my life. We are all high-functioning alcoholics, until we're not.

I obtained national recognition in my profession, all while drinking and drugging away, and the financial reward and prestige just convinced me I was stronger than others. But it's a wickedly progressive beast. It won. I lost.

In the rooms of AA, when people talk about not losing homes and family and money, the normal response is, well, yet. You haven't lost all of that yet. Keep going and you will. Many of us did.

YouRmySunshine

Welcome! I hope you realize how much life you have ahead of you!

trachemys

Truer words were never spoken.

Dee74

Welcome someguy

I kicked a lot of goals in my youth, all the while a heavy drinker and drug user.

There's a lot of really successful people here.

Nothing stays the same though - I was headed for disaster and a total loss of the functionality I was so proud of, for a long long time, in hindsight...and I had no idea it was happening, let alone it was coming.

As for functionality...Today I look back and think how much more I could have achieved without one hand wrapped perpetually around a glass.

D

Sobersunshine

High functioning is a stage of this chronic, progressive disease. I have 4 degrees and a career in a highly respected profession. Alcohol doesnt give a **** about my education or my salary. I think drinking became a way for me to cope with the secret feelings of inadequacy I felt, when outwardly it seemed I had it all.
Before I quit, I too wished I could drink normally, or even just binge drink occasionally. Now I am so happy and free in my sobriety that I couldn't care less about booze. I really have no feelings about alcohol at all other than its something I must never consume again.
Welcome to SR! I hope you find what you need here.

someguy123

Thanks for the replies everyone, even though I feel we will disagree a lot, if I stick around here... not a big fan of seven step programs or apologizing. Lol.

One comment that really hit home was this one:
I feel this is both my biggest strength and weakness. Without feelings like this I wouldn't have the same aggressive/ruthless/type A personality that makes me successful at what I do, but at the same time I feel that my inner feelings of inadequacy are partially to blame for my drinking problem, although like I said before, I was the typical college binge drinker before a series of traumatic events occurred in my personal life.

SurvivingAgain

Hi some guy, your post has struck some chords with me. I am married to an alcoholic 30 years married, 13 to an alcoholic. He succeeds in all he does in his work life. He has obtained any job he goes for, he was made an associate of the consultancy firm he works for after only two years. We are financially secure, materially we have everything we could wish for..........but he drinks.

In his personal life there is no enjoyment, evenings and weekends, plus the days bingeing (which he always manages to explain away) are always based around when he can get his next drink. We can't go anywhere unless he can be sure there is alcohol available.

Is he really 'successful'.

I hope you find the strength to find peace.

instant

I feel for your situation but these issues get worse until they are addressed. You have a lot going for you, but you have yet to discover your greatest strength

someguy123

Apparently it's a twelve step program... whoops. But I still have no desire to do a program/find Jesus/do anything along those lines.

Change4good

Welcome.

I can share my experience. I was Phi Beta Kappa, earned two graduate degrees, invited to sit on non-profit boards (because I was ostensibly so put together.) I wasn't. I traveled extensively, and have had the same job with multiple advancements over the last ten years.

It caught up with me. No DUIs or public humiliation. Just unrealized dreams and a world of hurt at the end. I wish every day that I had addressed earlier what I knew was a problem at 20. Consider it a gift that you want to do something about it now.

You don't have to find Jesus as you say. (I didn't.) But it does sound like you want to find something different. Stick around for awhile and see if anything sticks. :-)

Welcome again.

hypochondriac

You don't have to Someguy. A lot of people here just use SR for a support to get sober, some people just stop drinking, others may use something like AVRT which doesn't require meetings, or something like SMART which does but is totally secular. There are others, there's a list in the stickies... If you want to just go back to being a binge drinker why don't you just do that. Just be honest with yourself. Many of us spend years trying to get back to a level of drinking that we have totally surpassed. Alcoholism is progressive. It may be easier to give it up entirely. Incidentally I considered myself high functioning, but really what that is is an excuse to carry on drinking. If you really are high functioning surely you can achieve everything you have and more without using alcohol as a crutch. Glad you are here x

Recovery1983

With alcoholism/addiction, arrogance and pride will only lead you further down the dark road. From reading what you wrote, I get the sense that you aren't ready to quit. Well, you actually mention that you don't plan on getting completely sober. Many of us have gone down this exact path. When you list your accomplishments in life, it makes me start thinking of some of the things I accomplished during the early phase of alcoholism. Now that i'm full force on my all my ~isms, I've lost a lot of those things that I worked so hard to achieve. The worst thing is that my mind will always look for some sort of justification or excuse to bring me back out.

No one is paid on here to give out suggestions. Only you can decide if sobriety is right for you. It took, a long list of self-destruction, for me to realize that sobriety is the only way for me to have a shot at living a life. I hope you realize sooner than later.

Hanna

Welcome to SR.

You are very fortunate to have been given the intelligence that enables you to easily achieve terrific grades, land a job that many would kill to have, and perform so well almost effortlessly.
I'll bet you also love it.

These things are a gift. You are also young and have not been around the planet enough times to grasp that having been given such incredible gifts makes the risk so much higher. You have more to lose than many.

You feel on top of the world but the only names I really know in that industry are the ones that lost it all. These are guys that didn't ever seem to comprehend the importance of humility or gratitude. Brilliant but missing the one key ingredient that would have made it all turn out differently. What do you think it would be like to never be legally allowed to do that thing you are so good at again?

You don't speak of your personal relationships or anything other than educational and career achievements.

You are here for a reason and only you know exactly why.

No one here that is healthy is going to support the idea of binge drinking on the weekends. No one that has a healthy and truly happy life does that.

What do you think you the life you have created for yourself truly looks like from the outside? I don't mean to others who may not be able to see what you are doing, but if you stood outside and watched for a week with honesty and clarity, what would you see?

You may tell yourself whatever you like but success in this world is not simply doing that which comes easy to us. It is not doing just the things that make us money. There is so much more.

Address the cause of your pain and work through it now and you will poised to have an incredibly rewarding life.

Glad you came to SR.

Peace,
Hanna

BabyJane

Couldn't agree more with what Memphis said - plus you are still very young. I was flying private jets for a living all over the world at 22 and making enough money to have a house by the beach in San Diego and a really expensive car, plus I partied my ass off at expensive locations on a weekly basis and still got promoted at work. Then everything changed. It IS progressive. It WILL not last. I don't wish that upon you, it's a fact. I believe that you're rather intelligent because you came here. That's a start. I hope you don't have to go as low as I did before you get it, but maybe you will. It takes what it takes. Many of us were not ready or willing to do the work of sobriety until we had many consequences and were in real pain - that's human nature, actually. I wish you the best. Educate yourself about the progressive nature of alcoholism. Realize you're not invincible. I hope you get well and continue to have so much success; you'll see how much happier you could be in the end.

RiverFriend

What's up someguy. I wish I had some advice on how to be a Thurs-Sat binge drinker because if I did, I would just take my own advice and I wouldn't be on this site (or struggling at meetings) today.

I too work in a fast paced environment, have been pretty successful and haven't lost everything yet. Our office bar is always open and I am literally expected to drink as part of my job. I once loved working in a profession that both encouraged and expected drinking (talk about a dream job for an alcoholic). But my drinking has robbed me blindly and has only covered up a lot of my issues with self confidence and self esteem.

It's hard to really quit when you're young, successful, and not experiencing tough consequences. But as others say, this is a progressive disease. Deep down I know that if I continue to drink, I am gambling with my career, my family, and my life. Good luck to you in your ventures and I hope you'll come back to this site if you need support.

artsoul

Welcome someguy!

I think we can all relate.... It's not easy to stop when everything's going well. For most of us, pain of some kind was the motivating factor for change. It becomes a matter of how much we're willing to go through to keep drinking.

I'm glad you're here.... just recognizing that this is "not sustainable" is a good start.