Nowhere to turn
 

Hello everyone. This is the first time I've posted, though I've "lurked" around for months now. I write today because I have really nowhere else to turn. I've managed to dig (drink) myself into a very isolating place.

About one year ago my family held a kind of "intervention"...after finding several vodka bottles I had hidden throughout the house. My husband was so upset with me as he had a close family member die of alcoholism. My daughter was hurt and my son, well, he was the only one that seemed to not be disgusted with me, and that includes myself. I was so horrified...ashamed...remorseful. I promised I would never drink again. Well, you all can probably guess the rest of this story. Yes, I would stay sober for a week to 10 days, then would convince myself I could drink "just this one more time"...then would proceed to go on a 10 day binge before I would feel so sick I would be able to quite drinking again...but never more than two weeks or so at a time. Funny thing...this drinking was never an issue for me before until I lost my mother and father about 5 years ago...(I'm 57 years old)

Here's the deal...I've been able to 'hide' this for the past year, although for the life of me I can't believe my family doesn't know. My daughter has asked me several times if I've been drinking and, of course I've lied and said no. My husband...no clue. I think he just wants to believe I've stopped and so refuses to look at the real reason I "sleep" all the time.

I am scared. I am on day two of sobriety after 3 weeks of drinking 375-750 mls. of vodka A DAY!!! This on top of holding down a faily stressful job, I can't believe I can still function!

I don't want to repeat this deadly cycle. I've lied to my family for a year now and I can't stand the thought of admitting to them that I've not only continued to drink, but I've gone out of my way to lie to them about it! I may be able to confess this after I have been sober for awhile, but I just can't face it now.

So...here I post. I need some support from somewhere. I feel I'm on the brink of really losing everything. As for my withdrawal, well...I was a pretty sweaty and trembly gal yesterday but today is better. I am on the watch for heart palpitations, hallucinations, etc., but I still can't bring myself to "come clean" to my husband and family...that is, unless I feel I need to go to the hospital or something...

God...how f**ked up can a person get??? Please help me....

Hi biggirl

You'll find a lot of support here :)

Who you tell or not is up to you - perhaps you'd feel better coming clean and not living a lie anymore, but thats for you to decide a little further down the road. Staying sober is the focus now.

Of course, having said that, your health is pre-eminent - if you have the slightest worry or concern please see your Dr and don't worry about who knows - detox can be tricky for some of us. Please get help if you need it :)

D

Welcome biggirl. You're never alone - you have us - and we all understand. I'm glad you joined. You'll find the support and encouragement you need to get well and heal from all you've been through.

I agree with Dee - please concentrate on staying sober and getting your health back. There'll be time for confessions later - if you decide they are necessary.

You can do this, biggirl. You'll be free of it and have a wonderful life - no more misery.

Welcome to SR.

We are chock full of support. I know what it's like to try to hide liquor and drinking from my family, and to be mortified when they found it. I also know what it's like to be full of self-loathing. Fortunately, I also know what it's like to move past it!

You asked a lot of questions in your first post. There are answers here on this forum. However, all the external support in the world can't keep you sober. Only you can do that. There's lots of information here about different things that work for different people. Do some reading. Knowledge is power.

Thank you, guys. Tears welling up just reading your kind responses...

You're on your way. :)

Biggirl, in my AA group with 25+ years of sobriety, never lost his family, job or anything and he believed he was an alcoholic and needed to change, a women in the group with 20+ years drove drunk all her life, never got a DUI, believed she was an alcoholic and had to change, I drove drunk finally got 2 DUI's in a short period of time and wound up loosing every thing, I believe I am an alcoholic and I had to change. At 58 I now have 2 years 8 months sobriety today. If drinking is a problem in your life I hope you give it up. You can do it. Everybody on SR is rootin for ya and will help. :egypt:

Right now you're being honest with yourself. That's a good start. There are a lot of us here who are wanting to stop but just haven't quite figured it out yet. But there are many, many ex-drinkers here who were in much worse shape than you or I and they've managed to become sober. If they could do it we can too. Don't beat yourself up, just keep on fighting for yourself.

Welcome biggirl-

Congrats on taking the steps to make the change. Dee & Hevyn are spot on as usual, so I just wanted to add another welcome and reiterate that we're here for you. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Thank you, again, for your words of support. I really need a place where I can be honest. So glad I found it...

No doubt you can do it. You obviously want it badly. Find what keeps you sober and stick to it.

Welcome biggirl... :welcome

whew, you must be exhausted, that is a huge burden you are carrying...

you can tell us anything, we've seen and heard a fair amount.
congrats on day 2 and wanting to stop destroying your life.

stick with us and i hope you feel better tomorrow...i can guarantee you, that you will feel better physically, just from less inflammation....alcohol will wreak havoc and cause all kinds of problems physically.

you can be honest with your doctor and get some sound advice and hopefully peace of mind about your health, or help. that is a huge amount of vodka you have been ingesting.

:welcome to the family! You came to the right place for support.:) Thanks to the people here (as well as my counselor) I've stayed sober over three years now. If I can do it, so can you. :hug: