deadlydame

I was doing so well for the first three weeks then, made the first big mistake to contact JH, my 5-year old FWB. The second big mistake was to once again, misunderstood intimacy with sex. I started to text him insulting him for once again "using" me. No I am not proud of it. Yes, I feel ashamed for a) being so stupid b) for getting so enraged. I used to blame drugs and alcohol for these bursts of anger. I used to think that since I no longer drink or use, I would finally be able to let go of JH and this very toxic relationship. "Think again, DeadlyDame!"

My insults were as virulent if not more than when I was using. Before, I could numb the pain with substances and I guess the last few days, I got to experience it RAW.

I haven't been able to do the work I am supposed to. I am supposed to start a new project on a film and need to breakdown a 125 page script (Time consuming if you really want to do it well... And I do.) my house is a mess, my dog is wondering what the hell is going on... (No more trips to the beach? and why is mom bursting in tears?)

my sponsor is wondering what the hell, I rarely called her these last few days. I became quite resistant to her constant nagging... You are not doing it, no you don't know... why don't you go to meetings... She is absolutely right. Unfortunately, this tough love approach is not being productive. I so don't want to call her right now only to hear her complain: Why didn't you call me yesterday? Well, I did not call because the night before I went to bed at 6 am and did not wake up before 3 pm - By the time I finished what I had to do, it was already too late... (BTW, i have been on a upside down schedule since Wednesday, cannot sleep at night and crashing early morning)

My world is back to chaos and it is a matter of days (maybe hours) before, I run down to ABC liquor store and get my supplies.

I go back and forth from playing the "victim" act to the "I'm a monster" guilt trip. Meanwhile, I am stuck inside my apartment, listening to my neighbors enjoying their sunny Sunday by the pool... And unable to focus on anything but thinking and re-thinking about JH and why did I never managed to convince him that I was a good catch... But wait, I am not. I am a piece of S***, a monster who can't do anything... A waste and back again for round# ?: I am a victim... blah blah blah.

Truth of the matter is: I am F****** ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY TOTALLY lost!

So I came here because somewhere, I already know what relapsing would do to me!

T4texas

Relationships can be addictive just like anything else and can lead to the same behavior that substances cause. Get back to your program and back in touch with the people that help you stay sober otherwise it is going to be harder to stay sober. We got your back here and will support you through this.

deadlydame

Thank you Texas. Funny how a simple: "We got your back here..." from someone we don't know, yet, who gets it, does bring solace... Hoping your week-end is going just fine.

T4texas

You are welcome.Mine is going great and I hope yours ends that way.

SereneEdition

hi deadlydame -

I experienced a surprising dip around 30 days into my sobriety that almost went into chaos, only mine was due to sugar! (huh?!?!?)

I think you're insight on feeling things RAW is spot on. Building on T4 - a change of scenery followed by getting back into a routine once I'm re-energized helps me.

Why not take the dog to the beach, not because you have to, but as a treat for some fresh air. The 'RAW'ness goes both ways, both with beauty and challenges, so maybe a shift to an different environment to one that fills you with good energy would be helpful.

deadlydame

Thank you Serene for your great feedback. I just came back from a walk with the pooch... No beach today but poochie and I are making plans for tomorrow...

I very much like your notion of RAW'ness as going both ways... I needed to be reminded that the pain we go through when living in the "Knowing" (vs. living in the lie of alcohol or drugs) is only temporal. sooner or later, we get to see the real magic. After the rain, comes... Anyway, thank you for being there and your kind words. Have a great evening,
sandrine

T4texas

Glad to hear you got out of the house today and have plans for tomorrow. Keep your head up.

instant

I think it tough, but if you want to you can embrace rawness knowing that in time everything can improve. What can soothe you a bit without resorting to using?

Branches

I think the anger we feel at ourselves for dipping our toes back into an addictive relationship is just as powerful as if we went off track and drank vodka and ran around the neighborhood naked. You feel like such an idiot. Been there, done that.

Forgive yourself for being human, and don't punish yourself by going to get "supplies" unless it's ice cream. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Onward!

deadlydame

I think the anger we feel at ourselves for dipping our toes back into an addictive relationship is just as powerful as if we went off track and drank vodka and ran around the neighborhood naked.



Yes! Whoah... Branches. Thank you for the feedback! comparing the addictive relationship to booze or drugs... Therefore feeling as if I had actually relapsed





I can hear the jury panel upthere

Like you said, I am human... After all... So thank you for reminding me of that as well. Love you guys and how much compassion we can find here. Safe place to be... Tried to get a friend's support but she is not an addict and instead of support, the deprecating look instead... Made me feel even s****ier...

Good night Branches,

sandrine

T4texas

Good night. Check in tomorrow.

deadlydame

Good night everybody, Thank you Texas and all you great members. I will check in tomorrow am, for sure!