My husband takes pills and lies
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9
My husband takes pills and lies
First off, the title was hard for me to say because my husband is a good man. This is just simply a fact..
Now for the hard stuff
We are both 27 years old with a 5 year old daughter. We have been married for 4.5 years. Last year (June) My husband was weirdly sick for days, he ended up telling me he was addicted to hydros and has been sick because he was withdrawing from them since he decided to stop taking them.
I found out he had been taking them for a year without me knowing. We did take them here and there on weekends together when our daughter would stay with grandparents. (we took them for fun, relax.. watch a movie.. that is all) As soon as he told me he took them daily, "us taking pills" stopped.. I personally have not taken one (I was taking maybe 2 a week) since then.
I found out he had been lieing about his checks, only putting in some money and keeping the rest to feed his addiction. I am a student and do not work. We have been penny pinching since I started school. This sucked to hear because I have always felt bad for not working while I am in school. Come to find out, we had more money then I knew about.
For 6 months I supported him, loved him, continued to trust him. I FORGAVE HIM. I felt horrible he felt the need for pills. It made me sad. I wanted to move on with him and get through it all. Then in December, I happen to be on our phone account and found a random number .. 100s of calls and text of all times the day. I printed out 3 pages of calls to this person, when I printed out the pages of calls to me from him, it was only 1 page. I started looking back for this number months and months ago. The number was there.. a lot.
When I questioned him he ended up telling me, after long conversations, he said it was a guy he met at the gym and the guy was going through recovery also except this guy messes up a lot. He then informed me he had lied to me about being clean. All those days of encouragement and me telling him how proud I was, he lied.. he had slipped up one time in November.
This time was different. This time I became MAD. HURT and MAD.. How was a being played stupid again?!!?!?!
Here it is MARCH, last month I found pills in his pocket.. he says they were a guys at work.. The past few weeks, things are weird again... last night we talked and he says he has been honest about money, pills, talking to that person, and so on. This morning, I found 300$ I did not know about in his wallet.. hidden.. I never snoop.. I don't think it is healthy for us but I did this morning and now.. now I am lost..
If I question him, I am in the wrong and he will get mad.. but, he lied.. again
help please
Now for the hard stuff
We are both 27 years old with a 5 year old daughter. We have been married for 4.5 years. Last year (June) My husband was weirdly sick for days, he ended up telling me he was addicted to hydros and has been sick because he was withdrawing from them since he decided to stop taking them.
I found out he had been taking them for a year without me knowing. We did take them here and there on weekends together when our daughter would stay with grandparents. (we took them for fun, relax.. watch a movie.. that is all) As soon as he told me he took them daily, "us taking pills" stopped.. I personally have not taken one (I was taking maybe 2 a week) since then.
I found out he had been lieing about his checks, only putting in some money and keeping the rest to feed his addiction. I am a student and do not work. We have been penny pinching since I started school. This sucked to hear because I have always felt bad for not working while I am in school. Come to find out, we had more money then I knew about.
For 6 months I supported him, loved him, continued to trust him. I FORGAVE HIM. I felt horrible he felt the need for pills. It made me sad. I wanted to move on with him and get through it all. Then in December, I happen to be on our phone account and found a random number .. 100s of calls and text of all times the day. I printed out 3 pages of calls to this person, when I printed out the pages of calls to me from him, it was only 1 page. I started looking back for this number months and months ago. The number was there.. a lot.
When I questioned him he ended up telling me, after long conversations, he said it was a guy he met at the gym and the guy was going through recovery also except this guy messes up a lot. He then informed me he had lied to me about being clean. All those days of encouragement and me telling him how proud I was, he lied.. he had slipped up one time in November.
This time was different. This time I became MAD. HURT and MAD.. How was a being played stupid again?!!?!?!
Here it is MARCH, last month I found pills in his pocket.. he says they were a guys at work.. The past few weeks, things are weird again... last night we talked and he says he has been honest about money, pills, talking to that person, and so on. This morning, I found 300$ I did not know about in his wallet.. hidden.. I never snoop.. I don't think it is healthy for us but I did this morning and now.. now I am lost..
If I question him, I am in the wrong and he will get mad.. but, he lied.. again
help please
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Oh man, that SUCKS. I am so sorry. I would feel very hurt, and betrayed also.
Can I ask you something? Did you call that number yourself? I'm thinking if he can lie about the drugs, he could surely lie about who it was he was talking to.....
You have every right to question him though. Hes your husband, has had a history of lying, and to find that much money is insane. We aren't rich by any means, but we do ok, and if I found that money in my husbands wallet, there beter be a damn good reason.
Can I ask you something? Did you call that number yourself? I'm thinking if he can lie about the drugs, he could surely lie about who it was he was talking to.....
You have every right to question him though. Hes your husband, has had a history of lying, and to find that much money is insane. We aren't rich by any means, but we do ok, and if I found that money in my husbands wallet, there beter be a damn good reason.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6
Just my advice, I don't know you or your husband, but what I would do...
First of all, own up to the snooping. I understand your desire not to provoke him, but lying about going through his things is not a great idea, especially when you're trying to get him to be honest with you.
Actually, I'd go farther than that. I'd take the money, and put it aside. Please note: I would *only* do this were I sure that he would not lash out in a way potentially dangerous to you or your child.
He will obviously notice it is missing, and I would imagine come to you about it. That way, you can both confront the issue head on - the fact that you found it, and the fact that he was hiding it.
I wish you luck. As someone who lied several times to my husband about my own drinking, I imagine that unless he is a horrible person (and it doesn't sound like he is, just a sick one), he is no doubt feeling dreadful about the deceit. It might be a relief for both of you to get this out in the open. And a chance to move forward.
Take care.
First of all, own up to the snooping. I understand your desire not to provoke him, but lying about going through his things is not a great idea, especially when you're trying to get him to be honest with you.
Actually, I'd go farther than that. I'd take the money, and put it aside. Please note: I would *only* do this were I sure that he would not lash out in a way potentially dangerous to you or your child.
He will obviously notice it is missing, and I would imagine come to you about it. That way, you can both confront the issue head on - the fact that you found it, and the fact that he was hiding it.
I wish you luck. As someone who lied several times to my husband about my own drinking, I imagine that unless he is a horrible person (and it doesn't sound like he is, just a sick one), he is no doubt feeling dreadful about the deceit. It might be a relief for both of you to get this out in the open. And a chance to move forward.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Boulder County, Co
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by Callalily 
Just my advice, I don't know you or your husband, but what I would do...
First of all, own up to the snooping. I understand your desire not to provoke him, but lying about going through his things is not a great idea, especially when you're trying to get him to be honest with you.
Actually, I'd go farther than that. I'd take the money, and put it aside. Please note: I would *only* do this were I sure that he would not lash out in a way potentially dangerous to you or your children.
First of all, own up to the snooping. I understand your desire not to provoke him, but lying about going through his things is not a great idea, especially when you're trying to get him to be honest with you.
Actually, I'd go farther than that. I'd take the money, and put it aside. Please note: I would *only* do this were I sure that he would not lash out in a way potentially dangerous to you or your children.
Good luck and welcome. We all understand that this is hard and will support you as best we can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
He may be a good man when he is sober but you are not dealing with the same person when he's loaded and THAT is a fact. Understand that addicts lie. We do. We lie to people and steal or hide money and we manipulate... Yes we feel awful when we do it but the bad feelings become more excuses to use and don't usually get us sober.
Your husband has a serious problem if this is a daily thing. Opiate addiction is very scary. Not to be really negative here but MY opiate addiction led me to Heroin (pills became too expensive and hard to get) and then things really got ugly. It took me years and years, and many sincere attempts at kicking that drug before I finally found what worked for me. It's different for everyone but I had to do detox, meetings, therapy... I had to go after it like someone who was about to die because I WAS about to die.
Check out the forum for friends and family, it's also great. I will pray for you and your family. I am so so sorry you have to go through this. It's not going to be easy either way, I'm sad to say that. Be strong for your baby and put that child first (I'm sure you already do!). Take care of yourself. Don't let your husband trick you into becomming his enabler. Addicts love co-dependent enablers because they help us feed our habits and our lifestyles. You can love your husband but don't love him to death you know what I'm saying? Tell him it's time to get honest or he's going to loose your support. Mean that. It's the only way he will wake up and stop lying.
Your husband has a serious problem if this is a daily thing. Opiate addiction is very scary. Not to be really negative here but MY opiate addiction led me to Heroin (pills became too expensive and hard to get) and then things really got ugly. It took me years and years, and many sincere attempts at kicking that drug before I finally found what worked for me. It's different for everyone but I had to do detox, meetings, therapy... I had to go after it like someone who was about to die because I WAS about to die.
Check out the forum for friends and family, it's also great. I will pray for you and your family. I am so so sorry you have to go through this. It's not going to be easy either way, I'm sad to say that. Be strong for your baby and put that child first (I'm sure you already do!). Take care of yourself. Don't let your husband trick you into becomming his enabler. Addicts love co-dependent enablers because they help us feed our habits and our lifestyles. You can love your husband but don't love him to death you know what I'm saying? Tell him it's time to get honest or he's going to loose your support. Mean that. It's the only way he will wake up and stop lying.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Greensboro, n.c.
Posts: 20
From my experience, I got a lot sicker than my husband. First going through his stuff made me feel a lot of guilt and shame. Second the adrendline rush when I found something got me addicted to that rush. Also there was always that fear of being caught. I became obsessed with him and his problems. Got unhappy and depressed. It was avicious cycle until I got into Alanon and learned that IT needed to take care of me.learned to let go and let God have him and his proplem. The serenity prayer became my mantra with this change "God' grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (him), the courage to change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference" God will help you if you step out of His way. It worked for me. Today' I don't need someone else to make me happy. I will be praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 27
This is indeed a difficult time for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
One thing that I have found helpful is the idea of "detaching with love". That is to say, instead of responding to the roller coaster ride of active addiction where dishonesty and the cycle of spree & remorse keep you on the ride with seemingly no control of when it ends, try to focus on what you need to do to stay healthy for yourself - and then establish the boundaries that will promote your removal from the ups & downs of addiction.
Al-Anon works for some, but also a counselor skilled in co-depenancy is a great place to start. I am NOT saying that is you, but someone with those skills would know what to suggest in your situation.
Cheers,
Bill
One thing that I have found helpful is the idea of "detaching with love". That is to say, instead of responding to the roller coaster ride of active addiction where dishonesty and the cycle of spree & remorse keep you on the ride with seemingly no control of when it ends, try to focus on what you need to do to stay healthy for yourself - and then establish the boundaries that will promote your removal from the ups & downs of addiction.
Al-Anon works for some, but also a counselor skilled in co-depenancy is a great place to start. I am NOT saying that is you, but someone with those skills would know what to suggest in your situation.
Cheers,
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9
Thank yall for your advice, kind words, and prayers! God knows we need them.
How do I post in family/friends? I am new to all this.
Also, for an entire year, he took hydros.. I had no idea what so ever. He is (what I have heard called) a working addict. You would never know anything was different with him. After I found out about the relapse in November, I ended up making him tell him mom. I could not be the only one dealing with everything plus we needed.. HE needed some major prayers and there is nothing more real than a mothers prayers. She is the only other person that knows anything. He has an amazing job, we are blessed financially, we live in a beautiful house, our daughter is healthy, smart, and beautiful. Really, on the outside.. we are perfect.. being only 27 years old (together since we were 19) and being married for only 5 years, God has truly blessed us.. That is why I am so lost.. everything seems amazing until the truth comes out. I am not in denial but I do not want to get lost or caught up in looking for and expecting him to do wrong.
I want to clarify, I told him about searching his wallet within 20 mins of doing so. (I had to take the 20 mins and chill out because the last thing I wanted to do was come at him anger) of course he got mad. I knew he would before I looked in the wallet. BUT, I had to tell him, like you said.. I have to be honest if I am asking him to be honest.
I left for the day.. got away, went to my friends house and played with my Goddaughter.. kids always make you feel better.
He says he has not taken a pill since November. Before that (he detoxed himself back in June 2012) it had been months. I had no idea why he was so sick and I actually found it really strange the entire time he was sick. After he told me what was going on, it all made sense.. he was crazy sick and everything people say about detox is exactly what happen.
I guess my questions are:
Where do I go from here?
Do I continue to take believe him when my gut says he is not telling the truth? The last thing I want to do is accuse him of lying when he is being honest. That seems counter productive and unfair to him. BUT how do I protect myself from being played stupid again?
Do I go with my gut and if so how do I handle situations where I feel he is lying?
Really, I just need direction in all this. I did not grow up around addiction, lying, or anything.
How do I post in family/friends? I am new to all this.
Also, for an entire year, he took hydros.. I had no idea what so ever. He is (what I have heard called) a working addict. You would never know anything was different with him. After I found out about the relapse in November, I ended up making him tell him mom. I could not be the only one dealing with everything plus we needed.. HE needed some major prayers and there is nothing more real than a mothers prayers. She is the only other person that knows anything. He has an amazing job, we are blessed financially, we live in a beautiful house, our daughter is healthy, smart, and beautiful. Really, on the outside.. we are perfect.. being only 27 years old (together since we were 19) and being married for only 5 years, God has truly blessed us.. That is why I am so lost.. everything seems amazing until the truth comes out. I am not in denial but I do not want to get lost or caught up in looking for and expecting him to do wrong.
I want to clarify, I told him about searching his wallet within 20 mins of doing so. (I had to take the 20 mins and chill out because the last thing I wanted to do was come at him anger) of course he got mad. I knew he would before I looked in the wallet. BUT, I had to tell him, like you said.. I have to be honest if I am asking him to be honest.
I left for the day.. got away, went to my friends house and played with my Goddaughter.. kids always make you feel better.
He says he has not taken a pill since November. Before that (he detoxed himself back in June 2012) it had been months. I had no idea why he was so sick and I actually found it really strange the entire time he was sick. After he told me what was going on, it all made sense.. he was crazy sick and everything people say about detox is exactly what happen.
I guess my questions are:
Where do I go from here?
Do I continue to take believe him when my gut says he is not telling the truth? The last thing I want to do is accuse him of lying when he is being honest. That seems counter productive and unfair to him. BUT how do I protect myself from being played stupid again?
Do I go with my gut and if so how do I handle situations where I feel he is lying?
Really, I just need direction in all this. I did not grow up around addiction, lying, or anything.
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