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Old 03-09-2013, 10:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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:( holy crap... this makes no sense


I want to scratch my face off.... I can't sit still. I've gained five pounds and my acne is flaring. 35 days sober and jobless. I am so sad... I just don't want to fight to feel well anymore.... I want to lay in my bed and sob. But my boyfriend is here... I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not.... I hate crying in front of him. I might as well be from a different planet and have 7 eyes and 2 heads. Crying freaks him out and makes me feel weird... Gross almost.

I want to eat until my stomach explodes...

Is it dumb that I wish I was alone so I could f*** up?! I almost hate that people care about me. My mom and brother won't stop calling me. I assumed my mom keeps trying to get me to help her clean her house out of her selfishness... But I think she is just trying to get me to do something with my time. And My brother keeps trying to get me to hang out with him... I think for the same reason.

I love them so much. I wish I was more grateful for them...

I forgot to take my bipolar meds today.... I'm feeling a bit manic and all of my thoughts just feel ill.... ((

I don't know if I should post this... But that is because part of my better judgement is here, and I understand the wrongness in this way of thinking....

But then perhaps that's why I SHOULD post... And I can look back on my thought process tomorrow. I hope no one can relate to this.... But sure, I'll post it.
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I can relate.

It IS dumb to wish you were alone so you could mess up, you know. But I'm sure it's not unheard of! I've had the same thought many times. Why do we want to mess up? For me, I think it's because I want some relief from caring about everything. But messing up just gives me something more to feel bad about.

Remember to take your meds tomorrow!
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Many members here say that sobriety is something that you do alone for yourself, but I need a partner in life. My wife and I quit drinking and smoking pot together. Is your boyfriend supporting you?
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Good for you for posting, melivin.... I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Maybe the meds will help? I know that I had some major ups and downs during the first months and probably would have bit someone's head off if they tried to fix me...... I'm sure a lot of was still chemical, though (have you ever read anything on PAWS?) and things did level out over time.

It's great that you have support, but I know what you mean about the crying thing (I tried to explain to my former husband a few times that we have to do it from time to time, like a release, but I'm not sure he ever really got it!)
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I appreciate your honesty and no it's not weird that you want to be alone to f#$%$ up!

apparently, that's what addicts do. though, I'm no expert. I'm new to this.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldfusion View Post
Many members here say that sobriety is something that you do alone for yourself, but I need a partner in life. My wife and I quit drinking and smoking pot together. Is your boyfriend supporting you?
Yes. He's amazing really. The only thing I find hard is that he does not know where I am coming from. He is not an alcoholic or addict, which is good... But he just doesn't get me sometimes... and I think that prevents me from being honest with him. But I've been making an effort to step away from that habit. But it's still hard sometimes...
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Congrats on 35 days! I was eating A LOT too and gained about 10 lbs but its been about 2 months sober and I am eating more normal again. You gave up drinking which is huge so don't beat yourself up for gaining a little weight. Also, you will feel better once you take your meds on a regular schedule! Lastly, non-alcoholics will never understand exactly what we're going through (my husband is supportive, but I know he doesn't truly understand the struggle). I know it's tough now but it will get better and it's nice to know people care! (Even if its annoying right now) . Hang in there!
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