AnvilheadII

It's just what my av tells me to do.

then quit listening. quit engaging. we aren't nearly as helpless as we sometimes allow ourselves to be. this concert is a big fat EXCUSE to use. so don't go. end of argument. start enforcing some tough love on yourself. you have FIVE kids!!! that has to worth it. right???

RocketQueen

What is it about this specific place that means that you won't go anywhere else? Is it just an excuse to prolong your using? I've never heard of a place turning addicts away because they use too much. That's just rediculous, and frankly, I wouldnt want to go to such a place. It sounds sketchy to me.

Also, where does your husband stand in all of this? Is he being supportive? I mean besides "hiding" your drugs (and lets face it, he's doing a terrible job at that). Does he use too?

Midlifecrisis

It didnt start out as an excuse to use. It's one of my fave bands and I booked the tickets originally for me and hubby but he has pulled out.

Pondlady

Why did hubby "pull out"? He surely isn't comfortable with you going with an old friend who sometimes uses?

Midlifecrisis

It's a Salvation Army detox and rehab which is really important to me as is it Christian. They have Church services and NA meetings daily. Ot isnt sketchy at all, i did a long stint At a salvo rehab many years ago. It's mainly benzos that they are over cautious with because of the dangers associated with withdrawal. My alternative is a hospital detox which they referred me to. No Counselling, no meetings, just a hospital bed and they kick you out if you have an active eating disorder.

My husband does not use. No. He's the the kind who would drink one beer over an hour. He doesn't drink at all now due to my struggles. Where he stands is feeling helpless. He is always there to pick up the pieces. He's been doing better at taking my pills away and I've been getting better at being honest. If be dead if it weren't for him.

Midlifecrisis

The concert is 4 hours away, he doesn't really like the band and just decided it would be easier to stay home rather than find a babysitter for 5 kids. He doesn't know the person I'm going with and I haven't been entirely honest yet.

ScottFromWI

And you somehow still think its a good idea? We know you want to get better MLC, otherwise you wouldn't keep coming back. And we want you to get better. But you never will if you keep making excuses to postpone quitting or willingly putting yourself in risky situations. Time to be honest to everyone and get started.

Midlifecrisis

I'm just coming here to get everything out of my head. No matter how stupid it makes me look. It helps to see it in black and white.

I'm scared to quit benzos because I'm scarred of both the suicidal episodes and my Ed coming back . Terrified.

artsoul

I was terrified to quit drinking and for a long time, just thinking about getting sober was more than I could handle. Those days (months, years?) of sitting on the fence were the most miserable days of my life.

As it turned out, the fear was just that: fear. I didn't go crazy like I thought I would. I had a lot of cravings and there were days when all I did was sit in front of my laptop reading SR, so it wasn't easy. But at least I wasn't stuck in that fear or waking up wondering "why did I do this to myself, AGAIN?"

Like Anvilhead said, you can talk back to that voice and tell it you're not buying into it's reasoning - you're not going to buy into the fear completely anymore. You can do this and you're more than worth it......

RocketQueen

And thats scarier than facing the grim reaper through excessive drug use? Have you tried keeping a diary mlc? Something to reflect on where you can be 100% honest with yourself?

You can get well. Ive seen it done many times, but you can't tackle your depression and ed without a clear head. If anything else the drugs and alcohol will be making it worse. I saw in an earlier post that you're on pristiqe. I was told by my dr that using whilest taking them renders them completely ineffective. You may as well be taking sugar pills. I also have extreme depression and a full blown ed, BUT now that im clean I have removed one of the things stopping me from a full recovery. And that, my friend, is a wonderful thing.

Midlifecrisis

I'm just so scared.

IWillWin

We are all scared. Every day we fight this battle and none of us know how it will turn out, but we don't give up. You are doing the right thing getting this all out of your head as I know from experience leaving things to just roll around in there always ends badly.

Please, please keep talking and fighting. You are a good person and worth fighting for but the leader of your army must be YOU or else your soldiers can't do much to help.

You are in my prayers tonight and will continue to be...your bravery and brutal honesty in facing your issues is inspiring and I know you can do this.

Louise82

I will pray for you until you find it easier to pray for yourself, and afterwards too.

Like you, I go to church. As a Christian, when I find it hard to pray for myself, I ask the Holy Spirit to lead me in prayer. It sounds lame, but it always works better than I expect it to.

I'm only on day 29 of no alcohol and I still find the whole surrendering thing really hard. I've held back all my life. What has helped me is to think of it as surrendering just one day a time - i.e. I hand over just today to God and ask Him to guide me towards doing the next right thing. Then tomorrow, I will hand over tomorrow to Him and ask the same thing.


It bears repeating - RocketQueen suffers from depression and an ED and yet she was able to get clean. Getting clean has removed one of the obstacles between her and a full recovery. It hasn't added an obstacle.

I get that you're scared MLC. I'm scared ****less for myself, because I'm only at the beginning of my sober journey and the way ahead looks as scary as ****. I'm scared that even if I never drink again, I'll end up killing myself or in a mental hospital. But coming here and reading about how people like RocketQueen have done it without dying or going insane makes me believe I will do it too.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. I haven't many more words today.

Pondlady

MLC, Your love for your husband and your Christian values, might give you the strength to be honest with your husband. Gift the ticket to someone else and gift yourself with knowing you've taken a step towards creating a safe environment for yourself.

fallingtogether

Mid, there are a million reasons in the world, in your world to keep using. Find a reason to not use. Call the national NA number listed in the book, and ask for help. They will come to you! The only requirement is a desire to stop. I hope you can get the help you need from a resource that's convenient for you. Your addiction is patient and will kill you if you don't get help!!! My heart is breaking for you right now babe! Please, think outside the box for a minute and seek some face to face help!

jkb

Hi Mlc-
I havent really responded much because I am newly sober from alcohol but, I fought the benzo-beast about a year ago. For 2 years I was on a high amount of benzos (3 mgs klonopin and 2 mgs xanax) everyday I woke up and took pills, on my lunch hour took pills, after dinner took pills and before bed took pills... This is how they were prescribed to me.
One day I woke up and did not take my klonopin and realized I was very dependant on it so I never took one again...(yep an unrecommended cold turkey) I went to a very dark place for a few months. I tapered rather quickly off the rest of my benzos with the help of my GP. Overnight I quit 3.5 mgs of benzos. Then tapered the last 1.5 over a few months.
Ok so point being.... Those pills took over my life without me even realizing it. Colors were blunted, feelings were "kinda there" but no real happy or sad or excited just "bleh" and physically my CNS was a wreck. Getting off of the benzos was REALLY HARD however, I have my life back. I was the xanax-queen for many years and honsetly didn't think I would ever want off those "little miracle pills". By the end of my taper I thought of them as "demon pills". I hated having to take little bits here and there.
The best thing ever was when my teenage daughter who I really thought didn't notice anything said "wow mom you dont take pills anymore, huh". I felt so incredibly happy. Real happy... not xanax-happy. Get committed to quitting... your life awaits.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks for sharing. It would be nice to have my life back. Not that I feel I've ever had it but you have to start somewhere right?

I'm off for another script today. I'm down to 50mg a day, dr really wants me down to 30. None would eventually be nice. This is the hardest thing ever.

Midlifecrisis

And I know what you mean. Everything just being kind of numb. It's nice to be numb sometimes and just not feel but it's Really no way to live.

Midlifecrisis

I'm thinking about doing that