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Old 03-07-2013, 08:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi,

I'm sure this is a familiar story, my boyfriend is a heroin addict he was clean for over a year. he told me two days ago that he was using again, mostly after days of arguing and me telling him your lying so I'm done. after asking me not to end our relationship before he told me the truth, it seemed like things were going to be ok, but then the next day he did the same thing to me that he did in the first, not being able to explain what he did all day. why he didn't answer my calls, or return my texts in a reasonable time, meaning I texted him and didn't hear from him for 7 hours, his excuse i just got out of the shower. My response so you were in the shower for 7 hours. we didn't live together. finally after four days of this nonsense, He finally told me that he was using, my first reaction was he's lying his just mad cuz he doesn't like being questioned and he's trying to get rid of me (that was just momentary) I knew he was telling me the truth it was the only thing that made sense.

In his text he said I'm using again it's best if I leave you alone for now, and I don't want to talk, just left alone. I guess if I look back there were signs, though i never heard the slurred speech, I heard all the sniffling. and then there were times he seemed over excited plus he didn't seem to be eating properly. My question does he want to be left alone so he can continue to use without being questioned. He says he needs to get out of this mess b 4 he can be anything to me. He's working on it. what can i do to help. My friends and family says he's no good cut him loose and never talk to him again. I fell in love with a clean sober man. It's not that easy. i knew there's always that chance of relapse and we talked about it, in the sense that we would deal with that together if we needed to. any advice, it seems so harsh to abandon him.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Unfortunately, he needs to want to quit and get help for himself, for real, or else you can't and shouldn't be in his life right now. It's tough. I'm the alcoholic in my relationship (I'm the girl) and my boyfriend got soooooooooo sick of me lying and drinking. Lucky for me, he did stick by my side and I'm sober 4 months now, but we have ALOT of issues and trust is the #1 thing I lost. We're working on it. But I'm 31, he's 34 and we are living together.

Not sure how old you are, but if you're in love, for real, you can try to talk some sense into him, try to get him to go on this website, but the bottom line is - no one will quit until they are ready. I've tried 100s of times and not once did it stick until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not easy.

I wouldn't necessarily abandon him - but have zero expectations. Don't let him be #1 in your life...and when he's ready to get help, hopefully you'll still be in a position to want to help him. But, don't wait for him to change and put your life on hold. It doesn't work that way. Focus on you and your life...

Good luck!
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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There is a great forum here for Family And Friends of Substance Abusers.

My mother, sister, and now former roommate all were hooked at one time. The latter was doing heroin under my nose. It was through the support here that I maintained my own sanity. Welcome.
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Old 03-08-2013, 12:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I had a friend who drank a lot, sometimes I would try to talk to her, I would be sober and she would be drunk and she'd tell me to go away, to just leave her alone.

It hurts a lot to be pushed aside like that, it made me feel unwanted, like I was just an obstacle to her using, and that's never a good feeling. I know that when I was getting high on a regular basis, as soon as the drugs started to kick in I'd turn off my lights, turn off my phone and sign out of all forms of online communication. Talking to people was just really awkward and scary to me when I was high. I felt so self aware and paranoid, I can't really describe the feeling, I just wanted to be alone. Drug time was MY time, it was my own little world where I could explore the skewed and altered perceptions that drugs and alcohol offered me, there wasn't room for anyone else in that place. There was that and there was also the shame, talking to other people when I was high made me feel very guilty, especially if I had spoken to them before about my attempts at sobriety. Facing them when high was... well terrifying is a good word I guess, the drugs just helped to enhance those feelings of guilt and fright.
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Old 03-08-2013, 09:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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thank you

thank you admiral, yes it does hurt to be pushed away, I have days where i just keep saying he's not using, he just doesn't want me anymore, but then I realize he kept begging me not to end it and when I finally did, he just told me the truth. but i want to help and i know there is not much that I can do. He needs to want to himself.

it's hard when they get clean and stay clean for a while, don't feel better. why would they want that misery again. is it a lost cause, I've heard that people get and stay clean.

I don't know what to do, but I'm staying away.
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Old 03-08-2013, 09:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hello Graciousone. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Please check out the "friends and family of substance abusers" thread. I think you'll find great comfort there as we can all relate to how insane trying to deal with an addict is. If your boyfriend doesn't want help the best thing, truly, that you can do for you is seek help for you. I"m glad you've found this site. It has been a such a gift to me. Stay strong...and please trust we all understand the "confused state" you must be in. We all found our way here due to being in exactly the same spot.
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Old 03-08-2013, 01:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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thank you, I checked it out. to me i'm disappointed. just found a bunch of bitter people. I know its hard having an addict in my life, why does this feel so different with a boyfriend than when it was my sister. I wrote her off and now feel guilty. I don't think you should ever give up on anyone you love.

can't addicts get clean and stay clean it seems to me though the road is hard and long, it will be worth it in the end.
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Old 03-08-2013, 01:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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He is asking you to leave him alone, whatever the reason I would encourage you to respect that. He's getting you out of the way of either his addiction, or his recovery..neither of which you should be any part of (which is GOOD news). It's not "giving up" when he's telling you exactly what he wants and needs right now, regardless of his reasons.
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Old 03-08-2013, 02:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I Have respected that. thats what i keep telling everyone.
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Old 03-08-2013, 02:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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are people not reading my posts! I said I honored and am honoring his request.
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Old 03-08-2013, 02:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well I think most people are saying, there is nothing YOU can do. It doesn't matter right now why he pushed you away, but it's certainly what he needs. An active or newly recovering addict is in no position to nurture a relationship, most of us have proven that to be true time and painful time again.

I get that you're hurt. Addiction sucks for everyone involved.

I would seriously reconsider posting over on the Friends and Family section.. those "bitter" people? They are the people that have experience over and over and over with this stuff. They have been hurt, lied to and abused in some cases. They have been unfairly pushed away in relationships with friends, family, and spouses. That "bitterness" that you label comes from pain, addiction is painful, the process is ugly. Yes, people get clean and sober and live happily, but that's rare and it's not reflective of typical reality. The people that are living happily ever after are likely doing that and not posting on a forum like this. This is a supportive place where people can share their struggles with addiction or loving someone with addiction. If love was enough to cure it, none of us addicts or people who love them would be here.

Maybe you should clarify exactly what you want us to say if you're seeking something specific?

Quote:
i knew there's always that chance of relapse and we talked about it, in the sense that we would deal with that together if we needed to. any advice, it seems so harsh to abandon him.
This is what you said, and it is what I responded to in my post.
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Old 03-08-2013, 03:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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as the OP has started a thread in FF I think it's best I direct everyone over there.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-answers.html

Welcome to SR graciousone

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