Defeated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
Defeated
I am truly defeated. My drinking and getting away with everything for 17 years has finally caught up with me. In the last two months, I've nearly killed my husband, been to jail, been kicked out of my house, had my kids temporarily taken away from me, wrecked my car, and gotten a DUI. Each day this week, I've woken up in the morning feeling just a tiny, tiny fraction better than I did yesterday, but by the end of the day I'm back to wanting to just throw myself off a building. I have four court appearances within the next month. I'm a wrecking ball. Everything I touch smashes into a million pieces. One day at a time? Ha! Even one second at a time is almost more than I can handle. When I walk right now, it amazes me that I am able to get from point A to point B, one foot in front of the other, because in my head, it feels so unlikely that I'll ever reach a destination. I can't even make the simplest of decisions without being scared to death. I don't even know how I still have anyone left in my life. I'm as bad of a friend to everyone as alcohol has been a friend to me.
And now I will jump off the pity pot. Time for this a-hole of a drunk to grow the f*ck up and start acting like an adult instead of a selfish child that throws a tantrum every time the world decides not to revolve around her. Time to change, because nothing changes if nothing changes.
And now I will jump off the pity pot. Time for this a-hole of a drunk to grow the f*ck up and start acting like an adult instead of a selfish child that throws a tantrum every time the world decides not to revolve around her. Time to change, because nothing changes if nothing changes.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
I don't believe you are defeated because there is always hope for recovery.
It sounds as if you've had a terrible couple of months and things are likely going to get worse unless you stop drinking and work on recovery. But, know for sure that you can do this. You can get through the court dates and deal with the stuff in your life and stay sober. We're here to support you.
It sounds as if you've had a terrible couple of months and things are likely going to get worse unless you stop drinking and work on recovery. But, know for sure that you can do this. You can get through the court dates and deal with the stuff in your life and stay sober. We're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by noexcuse 
Time for this a-hole of a drunk to grow the f*ck up and start acting like an adult
Don't lose hope -- keep fighting the good fight!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by noexcuse
I am truly defeated. My drinking and getting away with everything for 17 years has finally caught up with me. In the last two months, I've nearly killed my husband, been to jail, been kicked out of my house, had my kids temporarily taken away from me, wrecked my car, and gotten a DUI. Each day this week, I've woken up in the morning feeling just a tiny, tiny fraction better than I did yesterday, but by the end of the day I'm back to wanting to just throw myself off a building. I have four court appearances within the next month. I'm a wrecking ball. Everything I touch smashes into a million pieces. One day at a time? Ha! Even one second at a time is almost more than I can handle. When I walk right now, it amazes me that I am able to get from point A to point B, one foot in front of the other, because in my head, it feels so unlikely that I'll ever reach a destination. I can't even make the simplest of decisions without being scared to death. I don't even know how I still have anyone left in my life. I'm as bad of a friend to everyone as alcohol has been a friend to me.
And now I will jump off the pity pot. Time for this a-hole of a drunk to grow the f*ck up and start acting like an adult instead of a selfish child that throws a tantrum every time the world decides not to revolve around her. Time to change, because nothing changes if nothing changes.
And now I will jump off the pity pot. Time for this a-hole of a drunk to grow the f*ck up and start acting like an adult instead of a selfish child that throws a tantrum every time the world decides not to revolve around her. Time to change, because nothing changes if nothing changes.
Just want you to know I'm here, and know something of what you are feeling. xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Nope - not defeated. Otherwise you would have kept on digging yourself in deeper. You decided to reach out for help and support. You've found a great place for that. We've all been there and understand. You can turn it all around, noexcuse. We're glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 261
Noexcuse, you are not alone. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm just as self-destructive as you. I've been trying to battle this for almost a 1/3 of my life now. When my "incidents" happen, it's like i'm breaking apart my life and scattering it around me. I try to stay sober in order to pick up the pieces, but I don't even last long enough before I'm doing the cycle all over again. As a result, I end up throwing more pieces of my life around me than I can "clean up". I begin to self-loathe, get angry, become depressed, be shameful, and all the other negative emotions. I've learned that feeling like this will just lead me to drinking or using, so you can see how it's a never ending cycle.
I'm angry at myself for failing again, and i'm angry that I was dealt this hand. It comes down to three choices for me: 1. End my life 2. Keep using or drinking or 3. Try to get back on the horse.
I've tried to end my life, but I failed at that. (Don't think about that one too much. I'm just sharing my experience.)
I've tried to continue drinking or using, but my body can only take so much to where it starts to reject everything. It starts to hurt so much that I can't even drink or use anymore.
So i'm left with getting back on the horse. This one is tough because after failing so many times, I'm just lost. Right now, I just be and make sure not to drink or use. After the gym today, I'm going to an NA meeting. My plan is to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
Btw, i'm not trying to compete with who can be more self destructive, but here are some of the chaos that i've managed to create.
3 Dui's
two 5150's (72 hour hold because I pose a threat to myself. Basically psyche ward.)
several arrests for being drunk in public
wrecked a car
ruined COUNTLESS relationships
lost friends
2 treatment centers
I'm angry at myself for failing again, and i'm angry that I was dealt this hand. It comes down to three choices for me: 1. End my life 2. Keep using or drinking or 3. Try to get back on the horse.
I've tried to end my life, but I failed at that. (Don't think about that one too much. I'm just sharing my experience.)
I've tried to continue drinking or using, but my body can only take so much to where it starts to reject everything. It starts to hurt so much that I can't even drink or use anymore.
So i'm left with getting back on the horse. This one is tough because after failing so many times, I'm just lost. Right now, I just be and make sure not to drink or use. After the gym today, I'm going to an NA meeting. My plan is to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
Btw, i'm not trying to compete with who can be more self destructive, but here are some of the chaos that i've managed to create.
3 Dui's
two 5150's (72 hour hold because I pose a threat to myself. Basically psyche ward.)
several arrests for being drunk in public
wrecked a car
ruined COUNTLESS relationships
lost friends
2 treatment centers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
Sadly I know that helpless/hopeless feeling. The DUI, Kids being taken, my pending divorce. It rings like the loudest bell ever.
Im only 51 days sober, & still like you have a heap of crap to dig through, but slowly am learning as much as I want to drink to forget the hurt & mess, it will be back with a Vengeance the next moment my head clears from the vodka.
I will truly Pray for you. I hope you can find a support system, and like my counselor keeps telling me my kids want to see me sober not dead. So sobriety needs to be first.
~peace
Im only 51 days sober, & still like you have a heap of crap to dig through, but slowly am learning as much as I want to drink to forget the hurt & mess, it will be back with a Vengeance the next moment my head clears from the vodka.
I will truly Pray for you. I hope you can find a support system, and like my counselor keeps telling me my kids want to see me sober not dead. So sobriety needs to be first.
~peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Welcome noexcuse!
You stopped digging. Now it is time to climb out. No matter how far up it seems you can make it out. Draw on the knowledge of others who have accomplished what you seek - and you have come to the right place for that.
I do know for certain that drinking will just make the climb out longer and more difficult - and maybe impossible at some point. Start climbing now...you are worth it no matter how worthless you feel right now. YOU deserve a good life and you can have one as long as you don't drink it away.
We are rooting for you!!
You stopped digging. Now it is time to climb out. No matter how far up it seems you can make it out. Draw on the knowledge of others who have accomplished what you seek - and you have come to the right place for that.
I do know for certain that drinking will just make the climb out longer and more difficult - and maybe impossible at some point. Start climbing now...you are worth it no matter how worthless you feel right now. YOU deserve a good life and you can have one as long as you don't drink it away.
We are rooting for you!!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Welcome to SR!
Save your post so that a year from now you can look back at where you were and how much changed for you.
I couldn't do it very well by myself, that's where SR and AA helped. But the possibility of making dramatic changes in your life is there for you, if you can stop drinking.
Sure, it's going to be tough. That's why it's really helpful to live your life in 24 hour segments (and sometimes minute by minute and hour by hour).
So what's your plan/program to stay sober?
Save your post so that a year from now you can look back at where you were and how much changed for you.
I couldn't do it very well by myself, that's where SR and AA helped. But the possibility of making dramatic changes in your life is there for you, if you can stop drinking.
Sure, it's going to be tough. That's why it's really helpful to live your life in 24 hour segments (and sometimes minute by minute and hour by hour).
So what's your plan/program to stay sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
The support on here is amazing. Two days ago I felt completely alone, and I opened the door just a crack and so many similar stories that show me hope come flooding in.
My first court appointment is today to lift the 'no contact' order between me and my husband. We want contact with each other. We'd just like to be able to do it without any other legal ramifications. So that one should be OK. I will be talking with my public defender about what my next step should be for the DUI, and that part has me nervous. Tonight I will be attending an AA meeting that I've been to before and loved. I know I will find more help and hope like I found here when I walk through that door.
One foot in front of the other. Today I will try to do it with my head up.
My first court appointment is today to lift the 'no contact' order between me and my husband. We want contact with each other. We'd just like to be able to do it without any other legal ramifications. So that one should be OK. I will be talking with my public defender about what my next step should be for the DUI, and that part has me nervous. Tonight I will be attending an AA meeting that I've been to before and loved. I know I will find more help and hope like I found here when I walk through that door.
One foot in front of the other. Today I will try to do it with my head up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 86
I wish you strength to get through all your obstacles. I know it seems like the easiest thing to do would be drown your self in pity and alcohol but don't do it! Think about where you want to see yourself and get to work making it happen
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Zebra1275
Save your post so that a year from now you can look back at where you were and how much changed for you.
I see lots of me in your responses, .... I've been told by multiple people that rehab is a must, that none of the reasons that I'm using to NOT go will be valid if I keep doing what I'm doing.
Afraid of leaving my job vs. getting fired from my job
Afraid of leaving my kids vs. having my kids taken from me
Afraid of dumping everything on my husband vs. my husband leaving me
Afraid of not showing up for court vs. getting another DUI
There are more that can be listed. Here is how I feel and what I am going to do:
I feel like I am currently juggling a dozen uncooked eggs. I would love to just walk away from the circus, let them all fall, and let everyone else clean up all the pieces. I know I can safely get a couple of the eggs back into the carton by STAYING SOBER and GOING TO AS MANY MEETINGS AS I CAN while I take care of a few things. Some of the eggs will fall and break no matter what I do. But I can do my best to clean up those eggs myself by scheduling some time off with work and showing up to my next couple court dates. Some of the eggs will fall and break and someone else will have to clean them up. Those are the people that will do anything for me, that will love me and support me in recovery, and who will forgive me if I do the right thing. They are the ones who I will love, pray for, and make my living amends for during the rest of my sober life.
If there was any part of me that thought I couldn't get a couple of eggs safely back in the carton, however, then they are all going to break no matter what. Better to let them fall right away then putting myself and all of those people that I love through a longer, stretched out misery.
There's never a good time to drop off the face of the planet, but I'd rather do it temporarily than permanently.
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