hibbsy23

I have been sober now for 12 days. In this time I have been able to accept more hours at work and seem to feel healthier, able to get up in the morning without the head aches. That however has been replaced with heart ache.

My reason for sobriety came after the night were drinking cost me everything. My home, my fiancee.

Its been over two weeks now. She really has had enough. She won't talk to me. Respond to texts, calls, emails. Nothing. Won't meet me.

I am so hurt. All my own doing. I am all alone in this world. Its just me and my car. I go to work, I finish, I drive around I return to the place I am staying. And that's it. I am so alone.

And yet, I feel nothing. No anger, no sadness, no happiness. Just nothing. But this constant thought of 'this is it, this is all there will ever be'

At least with the drink there was a reason for feeling ****.

I am just filled with regret.

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Dee74

it's been 12 days Hibbsy.
Rebuilding lives is complicated stuff....it takes a little longer than that.

Try and not judge your future on how you feel today - it will get better

D

hibbsy23

Thanks.

Its just horrible. Time is flying by. And I don't see it. Its just one big **** pile.

I was only doing this to get her back I think. She clearly isn't going to yet. Whats the point.

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Anna

It's hard to be patient, but that's what you need to do. Your fiancee may or may not return to you. It's out of your control right now. What you need to focus on is your recovery. The feelings will return and you will find joy in your life.

hibbsy23

I just can't see happiness in anything. I really don't see the point in bothering. It ,may just be easier to drink, drive and die to be honest.

But again, what's the point in that. I need to suffer.

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deeker

Aww hibbs, it is gonna get better. I know that hopeless feeling cuz it was only a year ago I felt the same way. Lost my son's respect and thought I'd never smile again, but it will happen. You are gonna meet wonderful people in AA. I also go to NA. You may want to check it out as there are a lot of young people your age and we consider alcohol as a drug. We have a lot of fun in the fellowship. We have all kinds of fun gatherings in the summer , beach parties, volley ball games, dances, kareoke. It sounds weird now but there will be a day when you actually enjoy being sober and are able to have fun. Please don't give up hope hibbs.

hibbsy23

Fun? I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I haven't actually had any sober 'fun' for years.

I am really struggling to find reasons to carry on. I just don't see any good to come in the future.

I have landed back at my mothers house. What a complete loser I am! 23 and nothing has happened. I had the love of my life and I ****** that up. I had a potentially promising and fruitful career lined up, but I pissed that up the wall.

They say people never change. So why am I even try to do so? I might as well just be drunk.

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deeker

Hibbs I lost my home to foreclosure, my rental to addiciton, my truck to a DUI crash, My boat to a storage facility cuz I couldn't pay it cuz I spent my money on drugs and alcohol. Hibbs you need to get a better perspective on this. You are so blessed to have a place to live. I used to take everything I had for granted until I lost it all. Then I didn't appreciate my bedroom in my folks house until I went to an AA meeting at a homeless coalition. Hibbs these people had something to complain about. Yet they didn't even complain. They were so humble and grateful for their cots, and food and clothes. Hibbs I am 51 and starting my life over. But it's ok! I am sober today and I realize all that stuff never filled that hole inside anyways. You will appreciate your life too one day and you will realize that all you really need is God and your sobriety to be truly happy. Hibbs I am 51 and pissed my life away, and I am ok, actually pretty darn happy. You are 21, your life is just beginning. My first AA meeting was at 19, I didn't think I was ready and continued to drink ,I only wish I had a glimpse of what was waiting out there for me. You don't have to go through that.Now go visit your local homeless shelter!

Dee74

It's ok to be sad....but one of the most effective weapons I used against myself and my sobriety was self pity hibbsy.

don't talk yourself back into a drink. There's nothing so bad a drink can't make worse.
Trust me on that.

Today is not your future - things will get better.

None of us would still be here and sober of that wasn't true.

D

LexieCat

hibbsy,

Dude. You barely have the booze out of your system. You are not seeing things clearly, nor would I expect you to. Not at 12 days.

When you drink a lot, you actually mess with your brain. Seriously--that stuff about "your brain on drugs" applies equally to alcohol.

Brains DO recover, however, especially at your age. But it takes time for that to happen.

As much as you find it difficult to believe right now, most people feel about the same way you do right now when they are sober about the same amount of time you have been. It is NORMAL. Very unpleasant for sure, but NORMAL. It will PASS. Trust me on this. It gets better. Not instantly, and you have to cooperate with the process.

My suggestion is that you get your poor, depressed butt to a meeting. Keep doing that. Find a sponsor. Trust that the rest of us here who have been through the same thing are not yanking your chain for fun. Life does get better. You can and will be happy again. You can and will be with a woman who loves you. If not this relationship, there will be one even better waiting for you.

Have a tiny, tiny bit of faith that we know what we are talking about. What have you got to lose at this point? You already feel crappy--it can only get better.

Stay sober today, go to a meeting. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

hibbsy23

Thanks guys.

I suppose if I seriously wanted to just give up and drink, in would of. But instead, I am sat here talking to you.

I think I just needed to vent some feelings and just get some words of support.

I know I am very lucky to have what I have right now. But I just keep wondering why I deserve it. And also that it will never get better. And that I should just quit.

But I won't. But it does seem like a good idea right now.

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Sasha4

You have things to be grateful for

1. Your mum
2. Your job
3. Your car
4. An income.
5. Your age.

Honestly, I wish I had come here aged 23.
It would have saved a ton of heartache in the long run.
I probably added another 12 years drinking to your age now.

I understand about the feeling like not having fun, but deep down I think you know drinking is not fun.

I don't think this is the end for you and your girlfriend.

But you cannot expect her to give you a timescale as to when she can forgive you by.

And you cannot tell her what you think is the right time period before she takes you back.

I think she will think more of you if you respect her wishes, maybe keep your distance for a bit, work on yourself instead.
You never now, maybe if she stops hearing from you, she might contact you instead....thats coming from a woman. Maybe she likes the attention of you bombarding her with texts and calls?

Why not get busy doing jobs for your mum.....any DIY or gardening type stuff, to show her how grateful you are for her support. It might distract you a bit too.
You have nearly done 2 weeks, don't give it up now.

LexieCat

Yeah, I can tell you from the "Friends and Family" side of the forum that most of our loved ones don't wanna hear WORDS, they wanna see ACTION. They've heard the words, over and over--apologies don't really cut it. If you concentrate on your recovery, I cannot guarantee she will want you back, but I'm almost certain you will earn her respect.

When you recover, REALLY recover, that shines through, and believe me, all the gym workouts in the world would not make you as attractive as someone who is at peace with himself and the world.

deeker

Aww vent away hibbs, you are actually helping me, I had kind of a stressful day at my new job, but you know what. I have a job!! Woohoo! Haven't worked in 7 years. I was one sick puppy and I thought no one would hire me cuz of past criminal record. I thought I'd never get my license back after 3 DUI's, But I did a few months ago after 7 years. See stuff happens and time passes and when I do the next right thing good stuff happens and it will for you too. Don't give up! ok Gonna go watch a movie, talk later hibbs?

hibbsy23

Thank you very much.

I know I should be grateful, and I am. I know I am very lucky to not be in a worse situation. I have a roof over my head, a job, a car and support for you guys and AA.

I haven't heard a word from her all day, she is reading my what app messages but not replying. It gets a bit silly sometimes and I think 'bombardment' is a word that sums it up nicely.

We've been through this before. About 9 months ago. As you said, as soon as I gave up and stopped the texts and calls she came looking for me. It is just really hard to keep away cos she is the only thing I want.

As said though, I need to concentrate on my self.

Rich

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hibbsy23

Thanks,

Yeah, I see where you are coming from. She has said no amount of sorry will be good enough and it requires action.

She saw me on Saturday and that was after me telling her that I had made some progress, plus I had been out and bought her some jewellery. I think she only met me because she wanted to see if I was actually telling the truth. She smiled and called me an idiot and she said I had 3 years to do nice things like that but I did nothing!

My heart is just filled with regret. And my mind is swimming with thoughts of, 'why didn't I do that' or 'i wish we did go and do that'

And as for the last part of your reply, that really is true. She said that the last time I got sober. I was a happy person again. I actually wanted to get up and do things.

It was such a quick transition from that to my 'first drink' to being a complete arse again. Totally useless and negative about everything. I really did **** up and lost sight of things once again.

Rich

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liss74

Hi u r doing great keep working on yourself trust me as a woman do not call as hard as it is stay strong !!!!!!

Zebra1275

At 23 I was just getting warmed up for a couple of decades of alcohol abuse.

You have a lot of future in front of you.

wellwisher

Hibbsy - give time some time. You are doing well, even though it may not feel like it.

When I started my recovery nineteen years ago, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. I remember going through certain things that felt like they made no sense at the time, that I couldn't find meaning in, and that at times made me question my direction.

Having benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can now see how the those loose threads were woven into a fine tapestry. Stay the course; even if you can't find the meaning or feel the immediate results at this time.

You'll see it written on these threads constantly - there is nothing that booze cannot make worse.

We believe in you It is so important you believe, too. Don't drink; vent away, and believe that living in the solution is what pays off.

YouRmySunshine

It does get easier & you have so much life ahead of you!
Peace!