Khloe926

Hello soberecovery, im Khloe, 24 and im new here. Today (i pray) is my first day of sobriety which will last a long time. Since i can remember i have been in love with alcohol however i never thought it would get to this point. I first started drinking as a teenager and carried on binge drinking throughout university. This in itself isn't unusual so i never thought i would end up with a drinking problem although every male in my family is or has been an alcoholic. When i graduated i thought i would begin to drink less but instead i began to drink more because i felt lonely, bored and isolated from others. I kept going into work severely hungover or still drunk and i inevitably lost that job. I then began to work as a stripper because the money was a lot better and it meant i could acceptably drink at work. In hindsight i couldn't have made any worse choice of job because (as a practicing christian) i cannot perform my job in a state of sobriety morally and secondly i have such huge approach anxiety without those conforting glasses of wine. In the beginning i could do my job with just a few glasses of wine but somewhere along the line that i couldnt even see i have just been getting completely and uncontrollably annihilated during work. I have all the regular 'alcoholic' problems that have filled me with shame, guilt, remorse and self hatred, i completely black out, do a dirtier lap dance that what my boundaries desire, guys have taken advantage of me, i have fallen out with staff and fellow dancers not to mention my poor boyfriend who has had to experience my drunken rages more than once (this is very out of character for me). Every time i go into work i try and tell myself that i will not black out, not go crazy on the wine and every time i fail more badly than before. Last night i got kicked out of work for forgetting to dress after i had finished my striptease (i feel i will never ever get over the shame of this) and i allowed complete strangers to carry me home because i literally could not walk. Everybody knows me as 'that girl' that always goes too far and once again i am having to move jobs and start again. I have woken up today and i just know that if i carry on like this i am going to completely wreck my life and relationships and put myself in serious danger. More often than not after a day of not drinking i am craving wine and i spend most of my day with such extreme paranoia and various other subtle physical health ailments from drinking (i,e bad skin, dodgy digestion). Because i space my drinking i dont think i will need detox (not tht i could even afford it) but i will seriously need a lot of support to be able to kick the drink and i know i am highly emotionally and psychologically dependent if not physically. To be honest, i am so heartbroken and dissapointed in myself for going down the same road that has even taken lives in my family and i really hope this is something i can have the will power to do now whilst i am still slightly on the cliff (as opposed to completely off it) before i am severely addicted to alcohol and cause damage directly or indirectly that i cannot reverse. Thanks to anybody who has made the effort to read this very long thread. Xx

Dee74

Welcome Khloe - many of us know how you feel - I was 'that guy' for many years.
There's an amazing amount of support here

do you have a plan to stay sober?

D

Khloe926

Not at all to be honest, i was considering AA because i think that will hit home for me that i actually do have a problem. I am absolutely so scared of failing, after one of two days i always manage to persuade myself that im ok because i don't pour vodka on my cornflakes, but i think its finally sinking in that im getting myself in deeper and deeper trouble.

artsoul

Welcome Khloe -

You're not alone. I was in a pretty dark place when I first came here, too. I didn't realize the anxiety and depression I was feeling was caused by my drinking. It was scary to think about getting sober, but it's the best thing I ever did.

I'm glad you posted..... You can do this and things really will get better!

julez

Welcome Khloe. I hope you find comfort here, as so many of us have. One day at a time! It CAN be done

Tamerua

Hi Khloe, welcome! No need to pour vodka on cornflakes to be welcome here. Lol

I think AA is great, it has helped me a lot. Try to find a women's meeting in your area if you can.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR! If you are ready to quit drinking AA is a good place to go.

I never put vodka on my cornflakes either. But I must admit that I have had a couple of beers with my Egg McMuffin on more than one occasion. Thankfully with the help of AA and SR I haven't done that in a long time.

KUfan

Khloe,
Reading your post made me cry. I just joined this forum a few days ago because I'm tired of the blackouts and the guilt, shame, and depression that go along with them. I was sober for 8 years, started drinking again, and ended up in the same situation that finally forced me to get sober the first time (blacking out, ending up in bed with a stranger even though I'm happily married). Getting sober the first time scared the **** out of me. I had problems with thinking in terms of "one day at a time". I couldn't imagine going to a wedding, concert, sporting event, etc without drinking. What would I possibly do there? I didn't know how to have fun, or really, to even live, without alcohol. That all changed with the help of AA. I stopped going after about a year of meetings because I felt I could handle things on my own-and I did for 8 years. My biggest regret since relapsing is that I did not continue to go to meetings. I don't love the religious aspect of some of the AA books/reading materials, but I can deal with it because the meetings are so very helpful. Please find a meeting. I think you should find a new job too--one that doesn't put you in compromising situations (I know, easier said than done).

Khloe926

Thank you for the kind words and support guys. I think AA is a really good idea for me, im going to try and find a meeting to go to tomorrow. In a way just writing these posts are useful to me as far as actually admitting that things aren't going that well. For me the 'guilt hangovers' and embarrassment are a million times worse than the physical hangover. My boyfriend was discussing with me today how i don't even speak in the same voice when im wasted and how 'far away' the drunken me is from the actual girl he fell in love with. Im being really positive and saying that today is my fresh start, im having a week off work to lie low a bit (after the other nights performance) but i know the real challenge will come tomorrow when i start getting anxious for a drink and even more so when i have to go back to work. I will be the first to admit that working as a pole dancer in a highly charged drink and drugs high pressure sales environment has probably been my downfall, stripping can be a very highly paid performers job as long as you are absolutely tough as nails (many of us are not). I have never ever sold my body but being too drunk has put me in situations in which iv been easier to assault. My biggest regret is when i had had wayyy too many tequilas a few months back and a very aggressive customer attacked me in a private booth and bit me drawing blood! i had to go to hospital and was given a hepatitis vaccine as a precaution and counselling (i was terrified going to hospital imaging all sorts) so since then i went off my job entirly even though if i had been sober i could have defended myself and possibly avoided that situation. However, rather than drinking less as most normal people would (and making myself less vulnerable to nasty individuals) i instead upped my alcohol intake at work because i couldn't cope with the shame or any other aspects of the job. Sobering up is looking even more scary because now i am forced to think about these things without wine glasses on and im going to have to face the fact that i have put myself in such stupid situations and whats worse is I've been so drunk that i can't even sort the details out in my head, they are so hazy. Despite this i am also trying to think optimistically that although i have behaved stupidly i have not done anything so bad that i cannot go back on physically or completely destroyed myself mentally just yet, although i can really relate to your experience of waking up with a complete stranger KUfan as whilst i have never done that i have woken up several times knowing that i really let my customer/dancer contact boundaries go at work (for extra cash) feeling like the worst most disgusting girlfriend in the world the next morning and that i let myself down. It feels so pathetic to me to use alcohol as an excuse but the truth is i cannot have one drink without having a million drinks and i am literally so cognitively impaired i can barley make a phone call or walk down the stairs, let alone make sensible judgments in the dance room. Some of the girls at work have kindly said to me that i need to be careful and calm down with the booze (which they will help me with by not offering me drinks) and I am also very lucky that my boyfriend is so supportive, he has forgiven me all these things and hes promised me from today on-wards we are never going to talk about these past few months and just look to the future. It is also just so hard to escape the fears going through your mind, i so far have worried today about completely irrational scenarios that could have occurred at work which haven't actually occurred, as well as worrying endlessly about everything on top i.e finance, health, relationships. This is the exact kind of anxiety that makes me want to have a drink even more!! In terms of where to go from here, I am planning on getting a part time ordinary job in order that i get myself back into the real world, and me and my boyfriend plan to downsize i order that there is not so much pressure on me to earn money stripping. But as you have said KUfan it is easier said than done, for the moment i am trapped in my job because we both have bills and rent to pay and so for the time being i am just going to have to use every ounce of strength i have to do my job sober. So many times i have made this resolution to moderate or 'cut down' my drinking, and now i know thats never going to happen its either all or nothing. That means nothing at weddings, new years or pub lunches, and that completely terrifies me, so i think one day at a time is all i can focus on. I don't know if anybody feels the same here? but i am finding myself completely envious of people enjoying their lives and being able to have some cheeky drinks and being able to control it, alcohol can be the icing on the cake for social outings and i have ruined that for myself. I know that is just not me anymore. I also envy people that can do all these things without desiring a drink, socializing without wine is something i haven't done for years but I hope that will be me one day.

Tamerua

You can do this Khloe! Don't think about next week at work, or weddings you haven't been invited to. Think about today. And if you can find a meeting today, even better.

Khloe926

Thanks for the support guys, hope your all ok yourselves, will update soon Xxx