Mama of two, addicted to prescription drugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: North america
Posts: 47
Hi Mama,
I can see a bit of you in me. I also have been addicted to mostly everything I was given, from lepraxo to codeine to hydromorphine to whatever else they had given me. I was also diagnosed with add and they had me on stimulant.
I was drinking as well multiple times a week along with the meds. I have anxiety and had panic attack that lasted days after a binge.
I tapered my way off like you. I hope we can find god and help each other.
Prion
I can see a bit of you in me. I also have been addicted to mostly everything I was given, from lepraxo to codeine to hydromorphine to whatever else they had given me. I was also diagnosed with add and they had me on stimulant.
I was drinking as well multiple times a week along with the meds. I have anxiety and had panic attack that lasted days after a binge.
I tapered my way off like you. I hope we can find god and help each other.
Prion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Prion 
Hi Mama,
I can see a bit of you in me. I also have been addicted to mostly everything I was given, from lepraxo to codeine to hydromorphine to whatever else they had given me. I was also diagnosed with add and they had me on stimulant.
I was drinking as well multiple times a week along with the meds. I have anxiety and had panic attack that lasted days after a binge.
I tapered my way off like you. I hope we can find god and help each other.
Prion
I can see a bit of you in me. I also have been addicted to mostly everything I was given, from lepraxo to codeine to hydromorphine to whatever else they had given me. I was also diagnosed with add and they had me on stimulant.
I was drinking as well multiple times a week along with the meds. I have anxiety and had panic attack that lasted days after a binge.
I tapered my way off like you. I hope we can find god and help each other.
Prion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by mp123
I just left a message with the nurse at my pain management doctor's office, telling them I want to stop the tramadol and asking them how they would recommend I do it. I did mention that the last time I stopped it was by substituting Tylenol #3 for a week, which made it painless. I am hoping they will allow me to do that. SO much easier than a slow taper. I am moving towards feeling more like I want to stop. Your messages are really helping me, and thanks to everyone who has commented. Even if I am dying, I want to be the best mom and person I can be until I am incapacitated. At least in theory.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 13
Inadvertently Downplaying Health Anxiety/Hypochondriasis?
Originally Posted by mp123
Even if I am dying, I want to be the best mom and person I can be until I am incapacitated. At least in theory.
I have had bouts with this on and off throughout my entire life, and would be more than happy to talk to you about what has worked for me in the past and currently, if I'm heading in the right direction with this.
Assuming that you are also experiencing this very real and often misunderstood (ignored) affliction, have you stressed this fact with your doctor(s)? When I was trying to get help for my health anxiety, I found that I almost had to talk to doctors like a child until they understood where I was coming from until somebody finally "got it."
I don't usually post, but your issue hit close to home and I hope I can help!
Josh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: North america
Posts: 47
I tried in the past to face this problem but always ended up right back in the same place. I am now figuring out that well, I don't know what to do and how to get better, that well I haven't gone more than a week without drinking and more than a few day without some meds. I don't really know who I really am inside.
I recommend you start reading the big book. I am also trying to find a meeting nearby.
Talk to you soon,
I recommend you start reading the big book. I am also trying to find a meeting nearby.
Talk to you soon,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by mp123
The pain management nurse called back super fast, said tramadol is not a narcotic, and there won't be any withdrawal symptoms if I just stop. I thought by calling them, rather than the GP that prescribed the pills, they would have a better understanding of the reality of tramadol and be better able to help me. I guess I just need to prepare to wean on my own with no other help. I am surprised they don't believe tramadol withdrawal exists. On the other hand, I need to make sure I am not making it out in my head to be worse than it will be. In any case, I did call my doctor to tell them what I am doing, tried to get help or advice, and will just go ahead and do it on my own. Soon. Soonish.
And word of advise, don't look into the side effects, stories, AKA the internet too much - placebo is strongest mood altering state out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by CaptJosh
A few points that you've made in your posts, including the quote above, lead me to believe that - in ADDITION TO suffering from very real pain and self-disclosed drug abuse - you are also suffering from a severe case of health anxiety/hypochondriasis.
I have had bouts with this on and off throughout my entire life, and would be more than happy to talk to you about what has worked for me in the past and currently, if I'm heading in the right direction with this.
Assuming that you are also experiencing this very real and often misunderstood (ignored) affliction, have you stressed this fact with your doctor(s)? When I was trying to get help for my health anxiety, I found that I almost had to talk to doctors like a child until they understood where I was coming from until somebody finally "got it."
I don't usually post, but your issue hit close to home and I hope I can help!
Josh
I have had bouts with this on and off throughout my entire life, and would be more than happy to talk to you about what has worked for me in the past and currently, if I'm heading in the right direction with this.
Assuming that you are also experiencing this very real and often misunderstood (ignored) affliction, have you stressed this fact with your doctor(s)? When I was trying to get help for my health anxiety, I found that I almost had to talk to doctors like a child until they understood where I was coming from until somebody finally "got it."
I don't usually post, but your issue hit close to home and I hope I can help!
Josh
My general practitioner's office does know I have these anxiety issues related to my health. I see a clinical psychologist twice a week to try to work on these issues. My self care is just very poor, as far as eating, exercising, taking medications correctly, because I don't feel there is any point in doing all of that when I know I am going to die. My husband is EXHAUSTED with me, and while he believes my thinking is incredibly irrational, he also is at the point where he just wants me to go to the mayo clinic to get enough testing to make these fears subside.
The other funny thing- I have a master's degree in social work and used to be a therapist. I know lots of things I "should" be doing, but can't see my way through to actually do them or address this belief system.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by labeledbass
HAHA - sorry, not laughing at you, I'll do anything in my power to help you through this mess but that is so typical and proves my point. I try not to get my resources through the internet but just for shats and kakkles look up tramadol, or ultram (tramadol/APAP) - true it is narcotic-like, but that terminology is only for FDA sceduling. Anyway it doesn't matter if its habbit forming or not, if you don't want on it then you don't have to be and its their responsibility to know how to treat the outcome of what they have prescribed you - nuf said. If you need any help please feel free to ask, I've tapered many of substances successfully in the past without rebound. Staying away is my problem, my own mind is honestly my worst enemy...
And word of advise, don't look into the side effects, stories, AKA the internet too much - placebo is strongest mood altering state out there.
And word of advise, don't look into the side effects, stories, AKA the internet too much - placebo is strongest mood altering state out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Prion
I tried in the past to face this problem but always ended up right back in the same place. I am now figuring out that well, I don't know what to do and how to get better, that well I haven't gone more than a week without drinking and more than a few day without some meds. I don't really know who I really am inside.
I recommend you start reading the big book. I am also trying to find a meeting nearby.
Talk to you soon,
I recommend you start reading the big book. I am also trying to find a meeting nearby.
Talk to you soon,
In a way I wish I could go to NA, but I just don't feel like I can. I just feel like I want to do this from home, by reading, and maybe get support here. I just ordered the newest NA book. And it isn't because I don't believe in God. I do believe, and go to church twice a week! I just feel like if I go to a face to face meeting I will end up in a worse place than I am. I also already have so many appointments- twice a week therapy, twice a week physical therapy, whatever regular doctor appointments come up, and then all the appointments and activities for my girls. We don't have much support so my husband is already constantly leaving work for appointments, I just feel like I can't add anything else. Maybe I am just making excuses because I don't want to do it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by mp123
Prion,
In a way I wish I could go to NA, but I just don't feel like I can. I just feel like I want to do this from home, by reading, and maybe get support here. I just ordered the newest NA book. And it isn't because I don't believe in God. I do believe, and go to church twice a week! I just feel like if I go to a face to face meeting I will end up in a worse place than I am. I also already have so many appointments- twice a week therapy, twice a week physical therapy, whatever regular doctor appointments come up, and then all the appointments and activities for my girls. We don't have much support so my husband is already constantly leaving work for appointments, I just feel like I can't add anything else. Maybe I am just making excuses because I don't want to do it?
In a way I wish I could go to NA, but I just don't feel like I can. I just feel like I want to do this from home, by reading, and maybe get support here. I just ordered the newest NA book. And it isn't because I don't believe in God. I do believe, and go to church twice a week! I just feel like if I go to a face to face meeting I will end up in a worse place than I am. I also already have so many appointments- twice a week therapy, twice a week physical therapy, whatever regular doctor appointments come up, and then all the appointments and activities for my girls. We don't have much support so my husband is already constantly leaving work for appointments, I just feel like I can't add anything else. Maybe I am just making excuses because I don't want to do it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by mp123
Yes- I am dealing with very, very serious health anxiety. I have always had anxiety issues, but they have never manifested as health anxiety, and I never believed I was dying. I am now operating all of the time with the underlying belief that I have an illness that has not been diagnosed, no one will find it until it is too late, and then I will die, leaving my three and four year old without a mom. This all started last May when within a week I started having severe mid back pain (which still has not gone away), inflammation in my colon (which has gone away), and some neuropathic pain in my thigh (also gone now). In December the focus switched to my neck/throat/swallowing issues, lymph nodes, fears about leukemia, lymphoma, or another tumor in the throat area causing these problems. At the height of these fear (which I still have) I was pregnant, so testing was limited apart from a scope from en ENT and a panic driven ER visit. I still have mild pain in my neck that I find very frightening. In my mind, I just don't think all of these medical things happening all of the sudden are random- I think they indicate something terrible. And I have no appetite at all, I am just basically not eating. I assumed that was due to tramadol, but lately I fear that is also related to the medical condition.
My general practitioner's office does know I have these anxiety issues related to my health. I see a clinical psychologist twice a week to try to work on these issues. My self care is just very poor, as far as eating, exercising, taking medications correctly, because I don't feel there is any point in doing all of that when I know I am going to die. My husband is EXHAUSTED with me, and while he believes my thinking is incredibly irrational, he also is at the point where he just wants me to go to the mayo clinic to get enough testing to make these fears subside.
The other funny thing- I have a master's degree in social work and used to be a therapist. I know lots of things I "should" be doing, but can't see my way through to actually do them or address this belief system.
My general practitioner's office does know I have these anxiety issues related to my health. I see a clinical psychologist twice a week to try to work on these issues. My self care is just very poor, as far as eating, exercising, taking medications correctly, because I don't feel there is any point in doing all of that when I know I am going to die. My husband is EXHAUSTED with me, and while he believes my thinking is incredibly irrational, he also is at the point where he just wants me to go to the mayo clinic to get enough testing to make these fears subside.
The other funny thing- I have a master's degree in social work and used to be a therapist. I know lots of things I "should" be doing, but can't see my way through to actually do them or address this belief system.
During times of very high stress I would literally convince myself into thinking that I was dying from the same “undiagnosed” terrible illnesses that nobody could diagnose. I went to doctors repetitively, and even saw different ones for second and third opinions for the same “ailment,” because I was scared to death that I was terminally ill. I didn’t think I was smarter than the doctors… just that I had that 0.000001% unheard of “thing” that most doctors miss until it shows up in an obituary! My obituary!
Perhaps noteworthy here was the fact that I was not a substance abuser at the time (though upon reflection, I was developing early alcoholism), so I wasn’t seeking – nor receiving – anything habit forming. Or receiving any medication at all for that matter; the doctors would seem to just roll their eyes at me and send me on my way after, perhaps, an X-ray or some benign test for my own sake.
In the beginning, my health anxiety focused around my mouth. I was convinced that I had some form of oral/glandular cancer, and despite having pristine teeth and oral hygiene, I could not rid myself of the fear. When I somehow did get over that particular one, I too began focusing on my neck and throat area. I convinced myself that I had a tumor of some sort on the left-side of my throat a little past my tongue, and about 10-years ago convinced an ENT to remove my tonsils because of a history of strep and tonsillitis, with this feeling of “fullness” in my throat being the straw that put me over the top for surgery.
Ironically, while helping my general health (through the removal of grotesque tonsils that needed to go anyway) in the long run, it did NOTHING for that fullness feeling in my throat.
I continued to see doctors to address the throat, and developed a nasty internet habit of checking symptoms making me feel that I had EVERYTHING under the sun. I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned MS or ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), as they seem to be the top two that everybody with health anxiety seems to think they have! Just don’t look them up, you don’t have them!
NOBODY understood what I was going through. My fiancé (now my wife), friends, and family thought I was ridiculous and started getting very annoyed at me. I was always checking my mouth, throat, glands, lymph nodes, etc. to the point of obsession. I felt that nobody cared and started to foster resentment because, as far as I was concerned after all, I REALLY WAS dying and the best I could get was an eye roll! I just couldn't verbalize how REAL these irrational feelings were to me!
After beginning much needed therapy and medication for anxiety, the health anxiety began to subside. I started to realize that the fullness in my throat, the “tingling” from MS or whatever the other physical symptoms I was experiencing were being caused, and exacerbated, BY ME.
These symptoms, for the most part, went away by not focusing on them. Easier said than done, which is the hard part, which is even further compounded by the fact that you and I KNOW that we’re not dying… we just don’t KNOW KNOW that we’re not! Does that make any sense? You as a former therapist, and I as a psychologist, know better “on paper,” but convincing ourselves of the reality is darn near impossible, so it seems at first.
I’m sorry I’m rambling… I guess I never thought through how I would explain all of this to somebody, so I never tried until now. At the end of the day, when I was the most frustrated with my health anxiety, I just said to myself the following: “So what?!?” If I am sick and something terrible happens to me, then the worst thing to happen is that I will be in heaven with God, in pure bliss without a care in the world; I should be so lucky! When I truly internalized that, I realized that I would spend the rest of my time on the planet being the best person I can be. While not 100% gone, this horrible health anxiety is now nothing more than slight “background noise” in my life and no longer interferes as it did.
**IMPORTANT** Please realize that I am only addressing health anxiety here; of course, you must continue to deal professionally with your pain, medication use, therapy, etc. My non-medical opinion, as this is NOT any type of medical advice but just a thought, is that the issues you have all might all be feeding off of each other, so please continue to get help in those areas – just know that despite how REAL health anxiety is and feels, it can be overcome!
Josh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by CaptJosh
I too have always had anxiety issues. I am 38 now, but they only manifested themselves into health anxiety about 15-years ago. What you have described is 100% dead-on to what I experienced as well, and thought I was alone in my suffering.
During times of very high stress I would literally convince myself into thinking that I was dying from the same “undiagnosed” terrible illnesses that nobody could diagnose. I went to doctors repetitively, and even saw different ones for second and third opinions for the same “ailment,” because I was scared to death that I was terminally ill. I didn’t think I was smarter than the doctors… just that I had that 0.000001% unheard of “thing” that most doctors miss until it shows up in an obituary! My obituary!
Perhaps noteworthy here was the fact that I was not a substance abuser at the time (though upon reflection, I was developing early alcoholism), so I wasn’t seeking – nor receiving – anything habit forming. Or receiving any medication at all for that matter; the doctors would seem to just roll their eyes at me and send me on my way after, perhaps, an X-ray or some benign test for my own sake.
In the beginning, my health anxiety focused around my mouth. I was convinced that I had some form of oral/glandular cancer, and despite having pristine teeth and oral hygiene, I could not rid myself of the fear. When I somehow did get over that particular one, I too began focusing on my neck and throat area. I convinced myself that I had a tumor of some sort on the left-side of my throat a little past my tongue, and about 10-years ago convinced an ENT to remove my tonsils because of a history of strep and tonsillitis, with this feeling of “fullness” in my throat being the straw that put me over the top for surgery.
Ironically, while helping my general health (through the removal of grotesque tonsils that needed to go anyway) in the long run, it did NOTHING for that fullness feeling in my throat.
I continued to see doctors to address the throat, and developed a nasty internet habit of checking symptoms making me feel that I had EVERYTHING under the sun. I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned MS or ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), as they seem to be the top two that everybody with health anxiety seems to think they have! Just don’t look them up, you don’t have them!
NOBODY understood what I was going through. My fiancé (now my wife), friends, and family thought I was ridiculous and started getting very annoyed at me. I was always checking my mouth, throat, glands, lymph nodes, etc. to the point of obsession. I felt that nobody cared and started to foster resentment because, as far as I was concerned after all, I REALLY WAS dying and the best I could get was an eye roll! I just couldn't verbalize how REAL these irrational feelings were to me!
After beginning much needed therapy and medication for anxiety, the health anxiety began to subside. I started to realize that the fullness in my throat, the “tingling” from MS or whatever the other physical symptoms I was experiencing were being caused, and exacerbated, BY ME.
These symptoms, for the most part, went away by not focusing on them. Easier said than done, which is the hard part, which is even further compounded by the fact that you and I KNOW that we’re not dying… we just don’t KNOW KNOW that we’re not! Does that make any sense? You as a former therapist, and I as a psychologist, know better “on paper,” but convincing ourselves of the reality is darn near impossible, so it seems at first.
I’m sorry I’m rambling… I guess I never thought through how I would explain all of this to somebody, so I never tried until now. At the end of the day, when I was the most frustrated with my health anxiety, I just said to myself the following: “So what?!?” If I am sick and something terrible happens to me, then the worst thing to happen is that I will be in heaven with God, in pure bliss without a care in the world; I should be so lucky! When I truly internalized that, I realized that I would spend the rest of my time on the planet being the best person I can be. While not 100% gone, this horrible health anxiety is now nothing more than slight “background noise” in my life and no longer interferes as it did.
**IMPORTANT** Please realize that I am only addressing health anxiety here; of course, you must continue to deal professionally with your pain, medication use, therapy, etc. My non-medical opinion, as this is NOT any type of medical advice but just a thought, is that the issues you have all might all be feeding off of each other, so please continue to get help in those areas – just know that despite how REAL health anxiety is and feels, it can be overcome!
Josh
During times of very high stress I would literally convince myself into thinking that I was dying from the same “undiagnosed” terrible illnesses that nobody could diagnose. I went to doctors repetitively, and even saw different ones for second and third opinions for the same “ailment,” because I was scared to death that I was terminally ill. I didn’t think I was smarter than the doctors… just that I had that 0.000001% unheard of “thing” that most doctors miss until it shows up in an obituary! My obituary!
Perhaps noteworthy here was the fact that I was not a substance abuser at the time (though upon reflection, I was developing early alcoholism), so I wasn’t seeking – nor receiving – anything habit forming. Or receiving any medication at all for that matter; the doctors would seem to just roll their eyes at me and send me on my way after, perhaps, an X-ray or some benign test for my own sake.
In the beginning, my health anxiety focused around my mouth. I was convinced that I had some form of oral/glandular cancer, and despite having pristine teeth and oral hygiene, I could not rid myself of the fear. When I somehow did get over that particular one, I too began focusing on my neck and throat area. I convinced myself that I had a tumor of some sort on the left-side of my throat a little past my tongue, and about 10-years ago convinced an ENT to remove my tonsils because of a history of strep and tonsillitis, with this feeling of “fullness” in my throat being the straw that put me over the top for surgery.
Ironically, while helping my general health (through the removal of grotesque tonsils that needed to go anyway) in the long run, it did NOTHING for that fullness feeling in my throat.
I continued to see doctors to address the throat, and developed a nasty internet habit of checking symptoms making me feel that I had EVERYTHING under the sun. I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned MS or ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), as they seem to be the top two that everybody with health anxiety seems to think they have! Just don’t look them up, you don’t have them!
NOBODY understood what I was going through. My fiancé (now my wife), friends, and family thought I was ridiculous and started getting very annoyed at me. I was always checking my mouth, throat, glands, lymph nodes, etc. to the point of obsession. I felt that nobody cared and started to foster resentment because, as far as I was concerned after all, I REALLY WAS dying and the best I could get was an eye roll! I just couldn't verbalize how REAL these irrational feelings were to me!
After beginning much needed therapy and medication for anxiety, the health anxiety began to subside. I started to realize that the fullness in my throat, the “tingling” from MS or whatever the other physical symptoms I was experiencing were being caused, and exacerbated, BY ME.
These symptoms, for the most part, went away by not focusing on them. Easier said than done, which is the hard part, which is even further compounded by the fact that you and I KNOW that we’re not dying… we just don’t KNOW KNOW that we’re not! Does that make any sense? You as a former therapist, and I as a psychologist, know better “on paper,” but convincing ourselves of the reality is darn near impossible, so it seems at first.
I’m sorry I’m rambling… I guess I never thought through how I would explain all of this to somebody, so I never tried until now. At the end of the day, when I was the most frustrated with my health anxiety, I just said to myself the following: “So what?!?” If I am sick and something terrible happens to me, then the worst thing to happen is that I will be in heaven with God, in pure bliss without a care in the world; I should be so lucky! When I truly internalized that, I realized that I would spend the rest of my time on the planet being the best person I can be. While not 100% gone, this horrible health anxiety is now nothing more than slight “background noise” in my life and no longer interferes as it did.
**IMPORTANT** Please realize that I am only addressing health anxiety here; of course, you must continue to deal professionally with your pain, medication use, therapy, etc. My non-medical opinion, as this is NOT any type of medical advice but just a thought, is that the issues you have all might all be feeding off of each other, so please continue to get help in those areas – just know that despite how REAL health anxiety is and feels, it can be overcome!
Josh
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I started having medical problems last year, and have not been able to figure out what is wrong with me
I understand that you want to do this on the quiet, but sometimes thats just not possible. I spent years trying to deal with my issues myself - I had the smarts, I had the research skills, but I needed that outside perspective too.
See your Dr, or find a good one if you think you need to change, mp123 - and be honest & open with them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Dee74
That's a Drs job - not yours, not Dr Google - and not any of us here, well meaning as we might be...
I understand that you want to do this on the quiet, but sometimes thats just not possible. I spent years trying to deal with my issues myself - I had the smarts, I had the research skills, but I needed that outside perspective too.
See your Dr, or find a good one if you think you need to change, mp123 - and be honest & open with them.
I understand that you want to do this on the quiet, but sometimes thats just not possible. I spent years trying to deal with my issues myself - I had the smarts, I had the research skills, but I needed that outside perspective too.
See your Dr, or find a good one if you think you need to change, mp123 - and be honest & open with them.
So, the bottom line is that I have to get off the tramadol, and I have to just do it if there is a good reason to or not, pretty much because it is my responsibility to my children and my husband to not just totally give up and stop all efforts to get better. And when I put it that way, it just seems depressing. It would be much easier to do it if I felt like at the end of it I would be healthier or better off. I am kind of talking in circles here. Several of the books I ordered, including those on anxiety, health anxiety, and mindfulness, did come today, so that will be a good start!
Thanks to everyone who has responded, and for your support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 104
Call your gp and make some copy's of web sites that state the drug is addicting. At lease try with your gp. Pain managements are a joke. They send us there so other Dr. Don't have to deal with us. But please call your gp and just tell them you have an issue you need to told about in private . Face to face just tell him. Show him what most people say that have taken this drug that it is way hard to come off. Keep moving forward. Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
I had a frustrating appointment with my therapist today. Felt like she was playing mind games with me- saying that I must not want to stop, if I keep talking about it, but not actually doing it. And that maybe the addiction isn't really causing me problems, etc., so that as long as I don't overdose on tramadol I could just keep going as I am. I did just print out weekly calendar pages until the end of March, and have planned a slow taper, getting myself to zero tramadol on March 31st. I am not really going to worry about Ativan, as I do just take that as prescribed and may need to use it more than usual for anxiety during the taper. I am going to try to add gentle exercise too. I am not excited about doing this at all, but I am confident I will be successful. I am only doing it for my husband and my girls. Hopefully I will get my appetite back. Blah.
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