Weasel1966

1040 mph! Or 1675 km/h!

That's how fast we spin and I hardly feel as though I am moving.

This popped in my head as I was trying to spend a quiet moment this morning to gather my thoughts. I have a busy work day and thoughts of addictions come crashing into the business world in an uncomfortable way.

My weekend world and my weekday world not yet in synch.

So it flashed across my head that I am spinning so damn fast yet.... I sit on my chair day in and day out asking for guidance and feeling like I am in the same damn spot over and over.

Now this is the defining moment in which I know I see things differently. Do I say " Ken.... Look at you? You're doing nothing and getting no where. " and continue on my day with a heavy heart and a touch of self loathing to sprinkle on top?

OR

Do I say " Ken.... You are moving at over a thousand miles and hour! Just sit still a little bit and things will change around you...if you just don't drink".

I am not saying to do nothing. No one moves on in life with addiction by doing nothing.

But sometimes in my doing nothing I seem to be doing a lot.

I am sober today. Going to a LGBT meeting tonight. The one I keep avoiding out of silliness. But I will go since I promised myself I would.

Sobriety for me is about traveling at the speed of one. Me.

fallingtogether

Ken, you are right where you are supposed to be. Sit back relax and enjoy the ride, the view and the company. Somedays might be great, they might not. But in the end, you won't get this same exact view again, so take it in!

Congrats on sobriety! You're doing well!

RobbyRobot

Awesomely said, Ken.

Nonsensical

“You can never step into the same river twice; for new waters are always flowing on to you.”

- Heraclitus of Ephesus.

escapist

Sitting still is good. That's all I have been able to do for about three weeks now. I haven't lost any ground. Today is the seventh miserable day without a cigarette. I don't seem to feel inspired by my fruitful quest for self improvement. My life is different than it was a few months ago and now I am just living it. Actually living life is better than surviving addiction hell.
I feel some internal pressure that I should be doing something more important than just living clean. Make more money, analyze my relationships and fix them, maybe I need a different career, etc.
I am hibernating not stagnating I think. Maybe I need a good shrink.

Weasel1966

Escapist.... Like I have been told here, I believe, we are both in the right place.

You know I had an event last December. I have not fully made heads or tails. I still need to be still and observe. Focus on me before anything else.

Since I don't fully understand "just living clean" I won't be rushing to my next big thing.

Sobriety is at the speed of one. Me.

Take your time. You are doing well. I can see it if only though your posts.

Ken

escapist

I don't think I understand just living clean either. Is it just abstaining from substances? Booze and drugs?? Is it trying to find the truth about who I really am every fking day?

Weasel1966

I lost track of what living is. I know I feel it when that feeling comes around because I have not drank or used. I know I feel it when I do something familiar I used to love doing.

As for figuring out who I really am... As you put it eloquently...every fking day.... Well that will be done in some measure. Some days I am to tired to figure much out and will coast into tomorrow. Others I cannot wait to see what comes my way.

When I drank I used to think I could go out and see what happens. See who I meet and where I end up.

Today I am learning to do the same without drinking. Maybe that's what it means to live a clean life. I bet that's pretty close to it. It's all in the perspective.

K

FreeFall

Ken, what would we do without your thought provoking posts? You always manage to put into words what many of us are struggling with, or trigger a thought that helps us to make sense out of all of this.

"When I drank I used to think I could go out and see what happens. See who I meet and where I end up"

I know I'm really missing that feeling of not knowing what might happen. Who you might encounter. Ideas that come up from an unexpected conversation. Going to the beach in the middle of the night. Stuff like that.
I just don't find much unexpected in the every fking day thing of living clean.It feels monotonous. I think part of it is the winter weather and feeling cabin fever and limited due to the cold. I'm hoping spring will bring back a little adventure to life!

I've never been one to sit still for long. It feels weird. Good to be reminded we're moving forward even when we take a break to think and sort things out.