Rebound after relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Evanston
Posts: 4
Rebound after relapse
Hello. I had over 11 years sober before my 15 day--mid February relapse, today is day 5. I am here for support and to share a little of my story. There's not much about the relapse to say except I was very quickly up to 1 liter of vodka a day followed by paranoia,anxiety, physical decline ....and then the horrifying withdrawal which has now just started to lift. I am 47. The Bill W documentary helped me thru detox/withdrawal , I watched it several times. ...
So here I am. Why did it happen ? Well, I stopped going to AA meetings about 6 months ago so I could focus on ACOA 12 step program (adult children of alcoholic). This turned out to be an extremely intense program and it took my focus off of AA. I wasn't getting my weekly reminders of my last drink,my inability to function.....no reminder of my powerlessness. I think this is a big part. I feel very fortunate to have made it back.Also, I had recently moved to a new town where no one at the meetings new me.....I had lost contact and had become a flower on the wall at meetings often leaving early.
I was scared to death being out there.I detoxed with no drugs.Glad I am alive and back.
Any comments or thoughts ? Thanks.
So here I am. Why did it happen ? Well, I stopped going to AA meetings about 6 months ago so I could focus on ACOA 12 step program (adult children of alcoholic). This turned out to be an extremely intense program and it took my focus off of AA. I wasn't getting my weekly reminders of my last drink,my inability to function.....no reminder of my powerlessness. I think this is a big part. I feel very fortunate to have made it back.Also, I had recently moved to a new town where no one at the meetings new me.....I had lost contact and had become a flower on the wall at meetings often leaving early.
I was scared to death being out there.I detoxed with no drugs.Glad I am alive and back.
Any comments or thoughts ? Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
I'm so glad you lived to tell the story, Gobutkus. That must have been very frightening.
I only had 3 yrs. sober when I relapsed, but I went into a tailspin very quickly too. I'm sorry to say it took me years to get completely sober again. All because I decided I could use willpower to control it. The only good thing that came out of it was the knowledge that I could never pick up again - or dangerous things would happen. Probably even death.
We're glad you found us - I'm sure your story will be helpful to many. Congratulations on your Day 5.
I only had 3 yrs. sober when I relapsed, but I went into a tailspin very quickly too. I'm sorry to say it took me years to get completely sober again. All because I decided I could use willpower to control it. The only good thing that came out of it was the knowledge that I could never pick up again - or dangerous things would happen. Probably even death.
We're glad you found us - I'm sure your story will be helpful to many. Congratulations on your Day 5.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Isn't it scary how quickly we return to drinking like crazy? I fell flat on my face after 4 years of sobriety.
It took me 4 years to get back to soberland. This last time I was able to stop drinking by coming here. I willl have 5 months sober in a couple of weeks.
Good for you for stopping now
It took me 4 years to get back to soberland. This last time I was able to stop drinking by coming here. I willl have 5 months sober in a couple of weeks.
Good for you for stopping now
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
We have similar stories except my relapse lasted 8 years after my 13 years of being clean and sober. How true how quickly our addiction kicks back in if we put the poison back in to our system. I'm also wondering if the intensity of the work you were doing within the ACOA programming may have been a trigger. Perhaps exploring additional therapy might be a good idea? I really admire your honesty and welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
I had 13 years when I started drinking again. I drank for 5 more years and quit the night I posted my first thread here at SR.
When I picked up again I did it knowing full well I'd start off basically where I finished when I first quit drinking. I had no illusions it would be any different and likely would be worse.
When I started drinking again, I did it to get drunk, plain and simple, and i did it with forethought.
What I now know is I don't have to stay "sober" one day at a time. I can and have made the decision to never drink again and never change my mind. Unconditional permanent abstinence. No excuses.
Congratulations on 5 days.
When I picked up again I did it knowing full well I'd start off basically where I finished when I first quit drinking. I had no illusions it would be any different and likely would be worse.
When I started drinking again, I did it to get drunk, plain and simple, and i did it with forethought.
What I now know is I don't have to stay "sober" one day at a time. I can and have made the decision to never drink again and never change my mind. Unconditional permanent abstinence. No excuses.
Congratulations on 5 days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Evanston
Posts: 4
Thanks you all for the support and kind words, there is a lot of warmth here.
I just wanted to say one other thought on my relapse. I woke up this morning with the word to describe it ....violent....alcohol can be such a violent drug. The ecstasy it offers me is so easily attainable, so inexpensive...it acts so fast.After the 'first drink' I became another person. Not the guy who was relapsing, but the guy from the 1991 who didn't have a drinking problem yet. I was quickly swooshed into a different mental state of no concern, "...I am among the healthy people now.I can really feel the electricity of this restaurant now".....for 3 days. On the following morning I was at a Walgreen's desperately searching and hoping to find a liter....I made it 72 hours without having a morning drink, then it all fell apart. My violent little friend had captured me in the obsession once again. I was in the exact same position, sitting in front of a TV wasted at 945 am in the morning, as I was in 2001 before that detox.
The one thing I will always try to talk about in meetings ...the one at 7am I am headed too....is how violent the withdrawal was. The panic, anxiety, racing heart, sweats, shakes ....wondering if someone is looking thru the window ? for 4 days. It felt like a violent response from a drug that was so easily my friend again. It was unhappy not to have done more damage ? I couldn't afford a medical detox this time around.
soberclover , I have had several years of 'talk therapy' but am wondering if I should see a psychiatrist for medical options ? Do I have a underlying depression ? I always avoided this because I felt AA sort of frowned upon any kind of mood altering drug....I felt ashamed to go in for a diagnosis ..maybe , not sure
I just wanted to say one other thought on my relapse. I woke up this morning with the word to describe it ....violent....alcohol can be such a violent drug. The ecstasy it offers me is so easily attainable, so inexpensive...it acts so fast.After the 'first drink' I became another person. Not the guy who was relapsing, but the guy from the 1991 who didn't have a drinking problem yet. I was quickly swooshed into a different mental state of no concern, "...I am among the healthy people now.I can really feel the electricity of this restaurant now".....for 3 days. On the following morning I was at a Walgreen's desperately searching and hoping to find a liter....I made it 72 hours without having a morning drink, then it all fell apart. My violent little friend had captured me in the obsession once again. I was in the exact same position, sitting in front of a TV wasted at 945 am in the morning, as I was in 2001 before that detox.
The one thing I will always try to talk about in meetings ...the one at 7am I am headed too....is how violent the withdrawal was. The panic, anxiety, racing heart, sweats, shakes ....wondering if someone is looking thru the window ? for 4 days. It felt like a violent response from a drug that was so easily my friend again. It was unhappy not to have done more damage ? I couldn't afford a medical detox this time around.
soberclover , I have had several years of 'talk therapy' but am wondering if I should see a psychiatrist for medical options ? Do I have a underlying depression ? I always avoided this because I felt AA sort of frowned upon any kind of mood altering drug....I felt ashamed to go in for a diagnosis ..maybe , not sure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Evanston
Posts: 4
7 days
Got a week behind me, feels good.Appetite is out of control, but I'm enjoying myself. Most of the physical withdrawal is gone, but mentally I am dealing with some shame and guilt. Getting to meetings...."One day at a time" is such a powerful message. Based on my history, it's a miracle that my head hits the pillow sober .....no need to worry abut next week, next year.
I have appointment tomorrow with a Psychiatrist to determine if my premonition is correct....that I suffer from Depression. I have several years of talk therapy and EMDR , I have always put off going to a doctor to get evaluated. Now is the time.
Perhaps I lived with shame (within AA) that the steps weren't enough to overcome my depression ? The program kept me sober for over 11 years, but I was not able to shake this deep depression. Yes, I did feel ashamed.
Grateful to be sober again.
I have appointment tomorrow with a Psychiatrist to determine if my premonition is correct....that I suffer from Depression. I have several years of talk therapy and EMDR , I have always put off going to a doctor to get evaluated. Now is the time.
Perhaps I lived with shame (within AA) that the steps weren't enough to overcome my depression ? The program kept me sober for over 11 years, but I was not able to shake this deep depression. Yes, I did feel ashamed.
Grateful to be sober again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,347
I've heard a few AAers saying the steps cured their depression, but I've never read anything where AA makes that claim - in fact they stress the opposite.
'No A.A. member should “play doctor”; all medical advice and treatment should come from a qualified physician.'
It's not a failure of any kind Gobutkus - you're dealing with your alcoholism as well as your depression.
Sounds like a great recovery to me
'No A.A. member should “play doctor”; all medical advice and treatment should come from a qualified physician.'
It's not a failure of any kind Gobutkus - you're dealing with your alcoholism as well as your depression.
Sounds like a great recovery to me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Tennessee... The mountainous side.
Posts: 157
Thank you for sharing your story. It is men and women like you, willing to share their stories of success and failure, that give this young aspiring sober'ite the knowledge to understand it will never change... and I can spare myself hours of the same pain and awfulness I've experienced in each and every binge/withdrawal.
Thank you... and good luck with your personal issues and quest.
Thank you... and good luck with your personal issues and quest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
There is a lot that has changed for me during this time of sobriety as it may be for you as well. Working on my depression is also part of my recovery program. I am not ashamed to admit I am an alcoholic and I am not ashamed to admit that I am clinically depressed. I personally believe that we learn our shame messages somewhere and I am sure over time you will learn more about you. I am really of proud of you for taking care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Evanston
Posts: 4
Psychiatrist evaluation
soberclover, thanks for your honesty---big support from you---thank you and see comments below. I don't feel alone because of your share.
Paddler,Dee thanks for you inspiration
Went to Psychiatrist today. Wow ! . Again, I have had years of talk therapy but hesitated to go to doctor/psychiatrist for the last 10 years due to (my own) belief I could "work" thru it. Well.....the doctor was amazed I hadn't come in years earlier. The Doctor mentioned that the main goal...the main focus of AA is sobriety. AA does not address depression because it is not their goal and it reduces the effectiveness of "getting sober"...I totally agree. The doctor mentioned I should have sought help when I was feeling depressed. I mentioned I felt "ashamed" that the steps didn't make me feel as happy as everyone else who "made" it. This is not a negative on AA...I remained sober for 11 years...AA did its job, it kept me sober.
I start on Effexor tomorrow. AA meeting at 7am, then I take my first anti-depressant pill at 815a.
In my own mind, I did everything I could to avoid meds....I was diagnosed with severe depression today . No shame....
Paddler,Dee thanks for you inspiration
Went to Psychiatrist today. Wow ! . Again, I have had years of talk therapy but hesitated to go to doctor/psychiatrist for the last 10 years due to (my own) belief I could "work" thru it. Well.....the doctor was amazed I hadn't come in years earlier. The Doctor mentioned that the main goal...the main focus of AA is sobriety. AA does not address depression because it is not their goal and it reduces the effectiveness of "getting sober"...I totally agree. The doctor mentioned I should have sought help when I was feeling depressed. I mentioned I felt "ashamed" that the steps didn't make me feel as happy as everyone else who "made" it. This is not a negative on AA...I remained sober for 11 years...AA did its job, it kept me sober.
I start on Effexor tomorrow. AA meeting at 7am, then I take my first anti-depressant pill at 815a.
In my own mind, I did everything I could to avoid meds....I was diagnosed with severe depression today . No shame....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,036
I want to thank those of you that had lengths of sobriety and relapsed for sharing. It reminds me that I must never take my sobriety for granted. I have been on recovery for almost 6 years and I begin each day with devotion so that I am grounded in recovery and spiritually centered. I must remember that this is a priority. A gentlemen in one of my AA groups relapsed after 27 years of sobriety. He said it all began with complacency.
I am grateful to those that have had periods of sobriety and then relapsed for coming here to tell your stories.....many do not make it back. I must be vigilant and never forget that this is a process and I am only one drink away from losing it all.
I am grateful to those that have had periods of sobriety and then relapsed for coming here to tell your stories.....many do not make it back. I must be vigilant and never forget that this is a process and I am only one drink away from losing it all.
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