quitforme79

I got the email today for my friend's surprise bachelorette party weekend in June. The outline is one night in a dance club and a bar crawl the next day. It's out of town so I need to respond soon as they are renting a house on the beach and need to know how many are coming. I knew this was coming at some point and honestly I am just terrified. Terrified because of these thoughts that one email stirred up in me...Mostly....

"Why can't I be normal"

I have been feeling very positive in my recovery. But my disease is using this one little freaking email as a loop hole. I am seeing my sponser later and will talk with her about it. I may not go but instead offer my friend a spa day for just us two so we can spend time together before her wedding.

I am upset that this is weighing so heavily on me and that my AV is starting to feed me nonsense about the fun of alcohol. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

fantail

I think your idea of skipping the weekend and doing a spa day instead sounds great. If even just reading the email makes you feel shaky in your resolution, then going probably will not be good for you. Even if you make it through the weekend, it'll probably be miserable... a whole weekend of just battling yourself! I can't imagine you'll be having fun.

I'm sure your friend will be more than pleased to spend some time relaxing at the spa with you instead! and that will be more meaningful bonding time for you both.

julez

Are you afraid you will crack under pressure and drink? Or do you just not want to be around it right now? Or are you afraid people will pressure you? I just wrote about this same exact thing on another thread titled I Cracked. In it, I spoke of my sisters wedding, bacheloretty party and rehearsal dinner, all of which i managed to stay sober through. You can do this. You can choose not to go, or you can arm yourself with a plan, confide in one other person attending that can back you up, and order straight cranberry juice so people will think youre drinking and wont pressure you. I have gone to great lengths, including pretending to go to the bathroom, finding my server, and telling them that when I ask for vodka cranberry, that I really only mean cranberry. It can be done, if you are strong enough. If you are too early in your recovery, and feel too vulnerable, don't go. YOU are the most important person to your recovery. Don't compromise it for anyone.

Ann

It's one weekend.

Will your life be altered if you send your regrets and sit this one out?

Will your life be altered if you go and lose what you have worked so hard to gain?

Stay the path, girl, it's worth it, YOU'RE worth it!

Hugs

deeker

I won't go anywhere today or be around anyone or anything if it threatens my recovery. I won't even let the thoughts get me to where you are right now of losing my peace over it.

I love my peace, won't give it up , when I know I don't have to with a simple "No Thanks!!"

If entertaining the thoughts of going is stealing my peace then I have the answer right there. Ya Know?

Ain"t gonna happen.

quitforme79

Great advice from all of you, thanks! I don't want to lose all I have worked for...I love what sobriety has given me already. I just think it will be too much for me to be there. They are big drinkers and that's what the whole weekend is centered around. Which is fine, for THEM.

I would like to think I wouldn't drink if I went but why test it? You guys are right, my peace is already disrupted just thinking about it, a red flag to me ...a red flag on fire lol

quitforme79

Thanks Ann!! Simply put but so wise Hugs to you too!

And I am worth it...i finally believe that

noanxtime

I am going through not as whirlwind as your party might/could be, but a former work associate and aquaintence put an 'invite' on FB for a 'girls night' at a local club very close to my home tonight. She does not know I have stopped drinking and would never try to push any alcohol on me once I have told her. BUT, it just feels weird and I have chosen to ignore the invite, since it wasn't directed towards me, but this post has made me rethink 'why' not go? Bars and clubs have not been a source of a trigger for me for a very long time and in fact, when my husband's band was playing out a lot, I drank less at the bars than I did at home. Cheapskate trumps cravings? I don't know since many of the drinks were free. I sure made up for it when I got home or the next day.
I may show up for an hour or so since the place is less than 5 minutes away - enjoy a Shirley Temple or 2 and go home. Most of the women there I don't know either. That might be part of it.
Don't know...

Anna

Yes, I would stay away too, and I think you're making the right decision. This is a time when you need to be selfish.

MA50

The spa day sounds amazing. I bet that she will have more fun and a more memorable time than if you went for the weekend with a bunch of people.

applecake

Two weeks ago I declined an invite to a wedding of a very close friend. I know that's not the same thing as a bachelorette party, but since the wedding required traveling to a city several states away, I would have probably spent a few days in that city with all the necessary trappings of a destination wedding. I wrote the bride a very nice note expressing my regret and wishing her the best and sent a very nice Calphalon pot from her registry. I felt like it was a win-win: she got a really nice gift--nicer than she would have gotten if I had gone to the wedding--and I saved a lot of money and didn't have to go through any of wedding hoopla. A spa day could be a great solution!

Seiceps

I know if I was your friend I'd be stoked with the spa day !!! She gets two outings instead of one. And I'm willing to bet a chilled out day hanging with a friend at a spa will end up being the most memorable.
I have a wedding in 3 weeks too and I'm already freaking out about it ! Unfortunately I can't swap that for a spa day !
Follow your instincts. You deserve that spa day too !!!!!

quitforme79

noanx, I definitely couldn't go to a bar right now (today) unless I had a reason to be there like for a party of some kind and if it was a restaurant bar. Only we know what we can handle. I too drank more at home then in bars...it was safer that way and I could hide it from everyone. If you go just be safe Seiceps, thanks! I am getting psyched about a spa day myself haha Her wedding is in July and that I am not too worried about because I am planning on either bringing someone from the rooms or my brother who knows I don't drink anymore. Think of it as you have a reason to be there and can leave after the reception or dinner. I used to party late into the night with everyone of course but no longer..I will be getting my butt out of there the moment I feel myself struggling. And who knows? Maybe I won't and maybe you won't. Maybe we will have the best time ever, sober!

Seiceps

Thanks qfm I know you're right. I have a close friend who is pregnant and we will stick together like glue ! Most of my good friends will know too. And I just keep thinking ya ! For once I won't be the most pisssed person there at the end of the night.
I won't fall over in my heels, I won't say anything inappropriate. I will remember everything. I'm taking my car so I can leave whenever I need too.
I'm sure it's the concept rather than the reality that's hard. Ill let you know how it goes.
The bonus is my pregnant friend can't fit her dress she was going to wear. I'm allowed to wear it if I stay sober ! It's a gorgeous silk thing and I've lost 6 kg already and it looks hot ! That's what I'm going to concentrate on. Being this serene, classy hot lady at the wedding.
So they'll be going " who's that girl ..,,,, " hahaha x

MyFitz

I have done many different "Drinking Centered" events. Seems like the majority of my family/business/friends gatherings are all alcocentric. I have lead the charge and have also pulled up the rear. I have never regretted participating sober. I stay until the drinks are steadily flowing and I when I see that am no longer on the same plane, then I disappear. I do not say bye to anyone, I vanish. There are few who inquire about my disappearance and some who really don't exactly remember the next day.

I've actually had someone say, "Wow you sure were hammered last night!!" After I was not drinking at all! It's because they are so used to seeing me in the past being drunk that it was an auto response.

Maybe do the dance club for a couple hours and disappear, Skip the crawl? Like I say I never regret going to a social gathering sober but I always have fear going to one.

Be proud and confident of the new You.

FreeFall

It is a bummer we can't just participate in events like these and be "normal" but reality bites. I think you're wise to skip this one. If it were in town and there was an escape route that might be different. I doubt you'd have fun staying sober trapped with heavy drinkers for an entire weekend. Spa day sounds like a nice compromise. Good for you for thinking this out ahead of time and making your sobriety a priority!

quitforme79

That's right ceps! We will be the hot classy ladies who are articulate and grounded lol Imagine that?! Yes, I do...as long as I am sober and I think I am going to focus on taking really good pics as this time everything will be in focus and I will remember what a beautiful day it was to see one of my greatest friends marry the man she loves.

When I think through this, I am actually excited to participate in life now. Being sober gives me the opportunity to really be present and I don't want to give that up.

lillyknitting

Don't go, and, you are normal.

lillyknitting

I wouldn't ask for vodka cranberry, you might get what you asked for!

Seiceps

I agree with you !!! That's what I'm thinking too. This is about my dear friend getting married , it's about love. It's not a giant **** up and excuse to get blotto !! Only took me till my late thirties to work that out. sheesh !
Good idea on the photos. I might even dust off my film slr and take some good shots. Awesome thanks for that idea !