Checking up... nothing has changed!
 

So, I'm back again, just wanted to get it off my chest that alcohol is still ruling my life. And now after 7 years my mom has finally broken down and started drinking again. She hasn't gone overboard yet, but you can just feel it coming. She'll have one glass of wine a night and I know she had two the other day.

Just really depressing to see, because she really was my motivation and gave me faith that this battle was winnable. But now seeing break her 7 year sobriety, gives me very little hope.

I'm still a functional alcoholic. I play tons of hockey, work out, still rockin my job, hanging out with my girlfriend, and hanging out with my family.

But no matter what, at night I have to have something... I hide a half a pint of vodka in my computer bag after work, or in my sweatpants when I get home from a hockey game. It's not "a lot" of alcohol, but the need to have it is still there. And if I'm alone I still might even drink something during the day. Now work is allowing me to work at home whenever I want and I actually got a half pint of vodka today at 10:30 in the morning because I drank a little too much wine last night. The only positive I can get out of this, is I know the second I break the cycle like this that I'm on pace to getting back in to that depressing situation I was before. So coming here usually sets me straight as I remember just how bad my life was that brought me to this site.

I make very good money at my current job and can easily move out and get my own house, but I'm afraid. I do not want to live alone. That is such a bad feeling that I want to live with my family because I'm afraid of how much I will drink if I were alone. Having things to do every day make it so much easier for me to get through the entire day with out any alcohol.

On weekends I've been going to play some pond hockey outdoors with my buddies and that has kept me from drinking and watching basketball/hockey all day. But all of this just means I'm still an alcoholic and I'm just waiting for the next free time I have to drink. I still haven't reached that epiphany where I need to go to a doctor or to AA... I think this site works wonders and just hearing peoples stories and encouraging remarks makes me feel like I'm not alone fighting this battle.

Anyways, just wanted to check back in... don't want to check in when it's too late again and want to get back on track tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

Good to see you back Paul. Sorry to hear about your moms recent relapse after 7 years. I understand you not wanting to move out right now because you don't trust your ability to control the drinking. I know I had lost total control over it yet I still held a job and led a "functional" life. I could see my life starting to crack though. The first time I really felt in control was after I quit.

I wish I could write more to you buddy, but I need to get to sleep. 12 hour shift tomorrow. Best wishes and keep posting.

Sorry to hear nothing has changed Paul. Sorry about your mom too

There's a lot of success stories here, tho Paul - take courage and inspiration from them

the battle is winnable...if you're prepared to do what it takes and make the changes.

D

Hi Paul, Your really in tune if you recognise all the signs for both you and your Mum.
By staying with your family due to anxiety your starting a plan, now all you need to do is expand that to not drinking and soon enough you'll have your freedom back and be able to go and leave the nest and show your Mum the way.
Keep on in here ,you can do it and now is better than in 20 or 30 years.
Good luck.
John.

You're still very young yet. When I was around your age, I made several half-hearted attempts to quit and of course, none of them ever stuck. I was very "high functioning" too, with a great job, lots of social activities, etc. As the years went by, I gradually got deeper and deeper into the drinking. I never missed a day of work, but my social life started dwindling as no one could keep pace with my drinking. Anyway, after nearly 30 years of drinking, I finally ended up with the morning shakes and crippling panic attacks. That was my "bottom" and I was able to dig out before it was too late. I hope you decide to give it up before it's too late. I wish you well.

I agree with this poster and also hope you give it up! By age 30 I was doing awesome professionally, never missed work and got promoted through the ranks. Great girlfriends, social life, and friends - we had a blast. That whole time I was drinking, but it never crept into my work life...until, like this poster, I began to suffer crippling panic attacks at age 35-36. They were so bad it forced me to quit my job, something I chalked up to "well, I've been there for 10 years so it's time to move on anyway". Next thing you know I woke up in a hospital after suffering multiple seizures. Treatment saved my life. The job thing isn't working out so well now, but the fact that I'm still alive is the most important thing. It's amazing how my priorities changed...

Sounds like you are eager to get the ball rolling. I wonder if moving out of your house won't give you a newfound sense of responsibility? After all, eventually we all have to be honest with OURSELVES in the long run. You can't protect yourself from your drinking by living with your family forever....do you have any kind of support aside from this board? This works just fine but maybe there's counciling or some kind of therapy that might help?

Sorry to hear your disappointment in your mom. Maybe you can be the one who changes your habit and it will motivate her? But u have to be ready, to be sick and tried of being sick and tried. Glad u have support here. Lots of winning stories of life transformations. I wish u the best. Stay on sight for the story that starts your day 1 and on to sobriety.

Glad you're back :)

I don't see why not? I felt really sad reading your post Paul cos it seems like alcohol is really controlling your life and you are just keeping busy to avoid drinking. You did a pretty comprehensive experiment controlling your drinking but it seems like it is still an obsession for you. Do you still want to drink or are you ready to quit completely. I am not sure that battling this is the answer, maybe it is best to throw the towel in and call it a day with alcohol. I felt like I was battling it when I was still telling myself I'd be able to control it someday. It's very freeing to give it up completely x Really glad you're back anyhoo x

Maybe it would be helpful if you set some boundaries for yourself....you've gotta start somewhere, however small....or you will find yourself at the bottom of the snakepit again.

I can understand that you don't want to live alone....and in your particular circumstances, isolating might hinder you...but perhaps you and mom can support eachother?

stay active and go to the office/workplace. don't stay home with a bottle at your workstation...that is not where you want to be.
glad you are back and thinking of what you don't want.

Nice to see you back Paul.

Keep posting...keep reaching out.

Big hugs

Hey Paul.
Good to hear from you, although sorry alcohol is still a problem for you, and your mom as well. I believe you'll kick this one day.......hope it's sooner rather than later. Keep in touch.

Wish we could do it for you, Paul. If we could, we would.
We can't do it for you.
But you CAN do it.
And there are many here, and right where you live, who will walk WITH you.
And some who will lead you out if you follow.
Stand by yourself. Drinking leaves you abandoned and alone. Recovery makes you whole.
But not till you do it.
Come walk with us, Paul.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Means a lot. Tonight I had a semi breakthrough. We are the #1 hockey team in our league and played the #2 team tonight. And after drinking too much last night and drinking quite a bit the past week, I went to the game and I completely bombed. I had to miss couple shifts because I couldn't breathe right, my heart felt really funny, it was such a horrendous feeling. Watching all my buddies just skate around so freely and without any problems was just devastating to me.

I honestly thought about going to the locker room because of my breathing. I felt like a huge pathetic piece of crap. Some of the other guys had to do double shifts because I had to get my breathing back. It's not that I'm out of shape, I play tons of hockey, but all that drinking just killed me. After the game I actually started having a little of the shakes.

When I got home I went straight upstairs to my moms room and told her up front that I need help and I need it bad. I told her about the vodka bottles I hide in my sweatpants as I go upstairs and drink at night, how I almost pulled myself out of tonights game because my heart felt funny, how I drank during work yesterday. I opened up to her and asked her for her help. It felt so good, just like the first time I came on this site to get it out in the open. This past week is the first time I have opened up to my family about my problem.

The only positive I can get out of this is every time I catch myself slipping I've been able to realize what was going on and I have this place for help, now my family is there to help. I just remember how depressed and pathetic my life was when I first came to this site. The absolute rock bottom and I promised myself I would never get to that point again. This is the second time I have come to this site since with an acknowledgement that the drinking is creeping up to a very bad point. Although the negative is still the fact that I'm drinking just to maintain and not able to actually go days with out drinking unless I have to hang out with my girlfriend for the weekend.

I honestly feel like my girlfriends is detox, couple days with no alcohol and 11-12 hours of sleep. I feel sooooo good after that. How can I constantly choose to feel like a lump of poo every day when I know how good it feels to wake up with out a hangover!! Ughhh... anyways thanks again and it's very nice to see some of you that have helped me out this entire time! And the people I haven't met yet, thank you very much also!

Hey Paul! Congrats on the progress. Opening up and being honest is a vital part in sobriety, first in seeking it and second in maintaining it. It's upsetting about your mother, however you may be helping her, as you are seeking help for yourself. It's scary! But you can do this! You were given a warning by the man above to ought in your hockey game, and it screams stop the insanity! This isn't going away on it's own! Please Paul, heed the warning and do the work. It's so much more rewarding than the constant battle of wishing it would go away. You can do this!

It may not seem like a lot, but remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you start giving your body that level of alcohol, it's going to start expecting, then demanding, that level of alcohol. If you continue like this, what will you be drinking 10 years from now? That's the thought that scared me into exploring sobriety. Good luck.

Every dawn is a symbol of renewal, telling you to get up, go out and try again

Paul,

I think this is a big step for you, telling your family. If I remember correctly, you've not told them before.

You were so brave to open up here and with your family. That is the first step. Knowing is half the battle . Get into aa and keep walking that sober line,good luck.

Welcome back ...lots of advice for the taking here.

Jim