janiebluebird

My ex contacted me today. I kept the communication short and cordial but I guess it got to me. I’m still house sitting and drank a few of those beers in the refrigerator. I’d love to keep drinking but I know I have to pick someone up in about 2 hours (which I am being paid for as I drank) so I have to be straight to drive or I would so I am drinking water now. I feel crappy about my resolve. I also bought a pack of cigarettes earlier today. Maybe I should have seen the signs of weakness coming on. I was just reading someone’s thread about an AA step of whether you choose God to be everything or nothing, and my first instinct was that the answer is obvious. It has to be a lot deeper than that. Ironically, I rented a movie called “Chasing Mavericks” - lots of anti-alcoholism background themes, and it made me more sad about what I am doing. The mentor in the movie asks the young guy to write about something he fears…it made me wish I was doing the 12 steps. Its crazy because I’m never completely honest with anyone. I feel more honest on this site than I do anywhere because of the stark anonymity, yet I haven’t even been completely honest here. I drove to an AA meeting 2 weeks ago or so and then had one of my “brick wall” moments where I felt like I absolutely couldn’t get out of the car and go in after I got there. I’m no dummy, I know I need the social support. Over the next two weeks I thought about how I wouldn’t go into that meeting. I wrote down advice from this site, one in particular, that its not the meeting you are afraid of but the never drinking again. I realized that its true. I have a vacation/bachelorette party planned for 2 weeks from now, then obviously a wedding coming up that I’m a bridesmaid in. And I think to myself, am I really not going to drink during those events? At some points I said I wouldn’t, and at others I said I would. Then I bargained that well maybe I’ll only drink on vacations. Now here I am, on a Thursday night, alone, drinking, and knowing that I have to drive later on tonight. I am still drinking water and will continue to but I know if I absolutely didn’t have to it would be another night of getting hammered and doing God knows what. I have to stop the insanity.

Dee74

I don't know who you have to pick up Janie but consider asking them to get a taxi - driving after you've been drinking, no matter how many waters you have, is just not safe.

D

janiebluebird

I had 4 beers starting at 5pm at dinner and its now 10:12pm, I don't have to leave for another 45 minutes. I do not think I ever reached the point of being drunk, and I don't feel intoxicated. I reeled myself back in this time to chill out I haven't had one in over an hour.

janiebluebird

I am also alone and was watching a movie, it wasn't my usual binge drinking out night with my friends. No bar or anything ya know. Its just the first time I had in a while and thought I would be honest on here.

sugarbear1

You're under the influence, plain and simple

Starbaby928

Janie- be safe & know that we're all here for you!

bigsombrero

Well, it sounds like you're at least doing some soul searching. I have no advice other than saying I can relate. That's too bad you've had that wedding stuff in the back of your mind for a while....sounds like that's maybe a stressful looming issue. Have you told any of your friends about your issues with alcohol? Or is this something you're keeping from just about everyone?

Starbaby928

Hey Janiebluebird.... Just wanted to check in on you! Hope all is well!

Blessings,
SB

julez

Janie, I too faced some big occasions, and I managed (thankfully) to stay sober through them all. My only sisters wedding was coming up. I stayed sober through her bachelorette party, her rehearsal dinner, and her wedding.
Honestly, if I hadnt quit drinking, these events would have normally found me hammered. I truly feel that it was meant to be, as her fiancee called off the wedding on the night of the rehearsal dinner and I had to go pick her up at midnight. Yes, they got married anyway, but theres no way I could have been there for her if I hadnt quit. You can do this. Keep yourself busy, ask for straight cranberry juice at the parties so everyone will think you are having a drink, so they won't bother you. If you don't want people to know, don't tell them. I was sober 90 days before I told anyone but my husband and my sister.

1stepup

Janie hope you're ok now, please don't be too hard on yourself, you slipped thats all, we've all been there, you helped me with your messages when i was going through the guilt trip come down. I can understand how communication with your ex triggered the drinking and the worries about the wedding. Ive done the same on both fronts, please stay safe and keep posting to let us all know youre ok.

hypochondriac

You deserve better than this Janie. I know it is hard with upcoming events, that was something that always kept me drinking. Of course I had those thoughts that I would only drink at the event and not before but I never stopped, not even for a day. Taking that option completely off the table has been the best thing I ever did. No more constant questioning about whether I will drink or not (bearing in mind I always did!) just freedom of being able to go wherever I choose and not having to drink. I found it so hard to begin with though. And finding a time to quit where there weren't events coming up was nearly impossible. I starting to think though how ridiculous it was that these things kept me drinking 100% of the time when the events themselves only counted for like 5% of the time, if that. I had a couple of parties and a wedding to go to early on, fair enough the wedding was the best part of a day but there were other distractions than just alcohol. I took loads of photo's (more than the official photographer I think!) and ate loads and ran around chatting to people. The parties were a doddle too in a way, it was only a few hours and I would always leave at about 10 before people started getting really drunk. How did these things seem to hold the power over me that I would have to drink every night in the weeks coming up to it just because for a few hours I would have no choice but be exposed to alcohol? It's crazy really. Of course I always had the option of not attending but my AV wouldn't let me believe that at the time. It told me I had to be there and that people would expect me to be drinking. Fact is that no one will shed a tear if I miss an event (I skipped the hen do because I just couldn't bear the thought of it and no one gave me a hard time), not least because it's only a few hours and they'll see me next time

Anyway, how you doing today anyway? Sorry for the long post x

Rolf

Hey Janie, not that this is not much of a consolation but there will come a time when being around people in social (drinking) situations will not be a biggie. What's really cool is that you will actually remember those events. That and you can laugh at what asses some people are making of themselves as the night goes on and actually be glad that you are not them. It takes time though so be kind to yourself. Always remember, at the beginning, if any of those event become uncortable, you always have the choice to bail.

ClearLight

Hey- I purposely drove to a meeting, sat in the car and watched folks go in - and never intended to go into the meeting - several times. Just to get comfortable with the idea of being at the same location.
It took me several times of just watching people go in before I went in myself. Nothing wrong with that.

sugarbear1

How are you today, Janie?