Take Me Home to Come see me to Go Away
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 6
Take Me Home to Come see me to Go Away
My 19 year old daughter called from rehab. Wants me to pick her up as she has been there a week and doesn't want to do it. She's not ready. I told her to stay the night and make it through to the morning and that it would be hard, but she couldn't come home as that would not be good for her, for me and I love us too much for that. (I am divorced and her dad who left her at 2 sees her every couple of months. Our family lives on the east coast and we see them yearly so don't have much of a support group here) Her moods in the last three days are quickly changing from wanting to go back to work, college, and living to an SLE to living out of her car which is not working since she can't live here. She wants to go live with her dad, leave the Bay area, go to AA, and, and, and... Her mood roller coasters and I suspect that this is part of the brain/body adjustment, but I am scared.
She invited her dad to come this weekend who she said she really wants to spend time with and he is good when she is in a crisis and comes to see her. He is coming. Her friends are coming but doesn't want me to come because it would be too much.
The morning will be here and she will call and tell me her decision after talking to her case manager. What if she asks me to pick her up and she can't come here to her house. I am confused about detachment and love. What is real help? I read on this site that many addicts go through many programs to get it right and there's still no guarantee. She tells me that she feels bad that her dad and I spend over a couple hundred thousand on her in wilderness, boarding school, hospitals and programs. She has many diagnoses.She is really smart and creative. She is an addict. Do people become addicts because they are mentally compromised plus have a dopamine deficiency. What needs to be treated? Should she be in a hospital next if she wants to go? If she wants help, but not rehab, or this rehab, should I support her since she is the only one who can turn this around? Vulnerable, so please be patient and honest if that is possible. Thank you for being here.
She invited her dad to come this weekend who she said she really wants to spend time with and he is good when she is in a crisis and comes to see her. He is coming. Her friends are coming but doesn't want me to come because it would be too much.
The morning will be here and she will call and tell me her decision after talking to her case manager. What if she asks me to pick her up and she can't come here to her house. I am confused about detachment and love. What is real help? I read on this site that many addicts go through many programs to get it right and there's still no guarantee. She tells me that she feels bad that her dad and I spend over a couple hundred thousand on her in wilderness, boarding school, hospitals and programs. She has many diagnoses.She is really smart and creative. She is an addict. Do people become addicts because they are mentally compromised plus have a dopamine deficiency. What needs to be treated? Should she be in a hospital next if she wants to go? If she wants help, but not rehab, or this rehab, should I support her since she is the only one who can turn this around? Vulnerable, so please be patient and honest if that is possible. Thank you for being here.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NZ
Posts: 238
Wow what a conundrum for a mum. My heart goes out to you. I have never been to rehab but have friends that have. My only advice is she is there to get specialised help and they will know how to talk with her. Do you have the option of talking to a doctor / councillor at the rehab yourself ? Tell them what she's saying ask advice ?
As for her dad and friends going this weekend but not you. Often we don't want the people around that will tell us the truth we don't want to hear. She probably knows she can get platitudes from her friends and dad but only the truth from you. Try not to be hurt by that.
Man it's hard to be a mum! What a lucky daughter she is to have one who cares as much as you. Sorry it's not much advice , but just wanted you to know I'm here listening x
As for her dad and friends going this weekend but not you. Often we don't want the people around that will tell us the truth we don't want to hear. She probably knows she can get platitudes from her friends and dad but only the truth from you. Try not to be hurt by that.
Man it's hard to be a mum! What a lucky daughter she is to have one who cares as much as you. Sorry it's not much advice , but just wanted you to know I'm here listening x
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I don't know about your daughter, but I know at 19 I was way too immature and self righteous to take care of myself. Even at 26, I remember my parents expressing concern and I just brushed them off and kept going. I just quit two weeks ago and I'm 29 now.
I think in our teens and early twenties, many of us smart, creative types (I'm a writer and an artist and so are/were many of my friends, so I relate) glamorize our problems. It's very common at that point, when you still feel basically immortal, to see your addictions and interpersonal issues and mental health problems as sort of a dark shine on your depth and your brilliance. It took me years to go on anti-depressants because I spent so much time with people who were convinced that trying to fix your problems is inauthentic, not living life fully, blinding yourself to your true feelings, etc. Pain makes art, and all that.
I guess what I'm saying is that she may want to quit on some level, but love the drama and the seriousness of it on another level. Having issues can be exciting when you're young enough not to have a clear view of the real consequences yet. It can also be a way to get attention and care.
If she does want help, I'd suggest starting with a therapist who specializes in teens and in addictions. I had a great therapist when I was in my late teens, and although I didn't quit then, she definitely called me on my bullsh*t and helped me find the places where I was being dishonest with myself. That way you can continue to be the supportive parent, but know that someone else is going to make sure she hears what she needs to hear. It won't change her underlying issues necessarily, but it can help her start to think about how to take control.
If you pick her up from rehab, why isn't she able to come home?
I think in our teens and early twenties, many of us smart, creative types (I'm a writer and an artist and so are/were many of my friends, so I relate) glamorize our problems. It's very common at that point, when you still feel basically immortal, to see your addictions and interpersonal issues and mental health problems as sort of a dark shine on your depth and your brilliance. It took me years to go on anti-depressants because I spent so much time with people who were convinced that trying to fix your problems is inauthentic, not living life fully, blinding yourself to your true feelings, etc. Pain makes art, and all that.
I guess what I'm saying is that she may want to quit on some level, but love the drama and the seriousness of it on another level. Having issues can be exciting when you're young enough not to have a clear view of the real consequences yet. It can also be a way to get attention and care.
If she does want help, I'd suggest starting with a therapist who specializes in teens and in addictions. I had a great therapist when I was in my late teens, and although I didn't quit then, she definitely called me on my bullsh*t and helped me find the places where I was being dishonest with myself. That way you can continue to be the supportive parent, but know that someone else is going to make sure she hears what she needs to hear. It won't change her underlying issues necessarily, but it can help her start to think about how to take control.
If you pick her up from rehab, why isn't she able to come home?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
She needs to be there, but she wants to leave, I guess she'll be playing every one to get where she wants, be strong and speak to the detox. I guess she's telling you she doesn't or isn't able to stop , she needs more time. Is the detox good is she being taught how to change or just being taken out . What you need is to know that we know you love her.
What do you think she needs right now?
19 stubborn ?
John.
What do you think she needs right now?
19 stubborn ?
John.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Joice
I really recommend you check out our Family and Friends forum as well - you'll find a lot of support from people who been through similar situations.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best wishes to you and your family - and welcome to SR
D
I really recommend you check out our Family and Friends forum as well - you'll find a lot of support from people who been through similar situations.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best wishes to you and your family - and welcome to SR
D
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Joice, it's great that you found this forum. I don't have issues with addicted relatives but I have learned heaps just reading the posts, and applying the principles of detachment to many aspects of my life.
I'm not sure of the background of your post, but if you set a boundary or condition that she had to finish detox before she came home, then IMO it would be fatal to cave at this stage. If she's addicted chances are she's not going to like rehab, but if she chooses to leave then what are the consequences for her?
I'm not sure of the background of your post, but if you set a boundary or condition that she had to finish detox before she came home, then IMO it would be fatal to cave at this stage. If she's addicted chances are she's not going to like rehab, but if she chooses to leave then what are the consequences for her?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Who pays for her car? If you or her father are paying, I'd stop. You have to have boundaries with her.
Living in a car is not acceptable.
Determine what else isn't acceptable. Not paying for your own things is not being a responsible adult or learning how to be one.
Not sure why her friends are allowed to visit, usually it's just close family who is "allowed" to visit, especially so early in rehab.
You and her father need to be on the same page here, don't let her leave, if you can. Let her stick out the entire time there, maybe something will click with her and she'll learn how to stay stopped!
With love & hugs,
~SB
Living in a car is not acceptable.
Determine what else isn't acceptable. Not paying for your own things is not being a responsible adult or learning how to be one.
Not sure why her friends are allowed to visit, usually it's just close family who is "allowed" to visit, especially so early in rehab.
You and her father need to be on the same page here, don't let her leave, if you can. Let her stick out the entire time there, maybe something will click with her and she'll learn how to stay stopped!
With love & hugs,
~SB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Seiceps 
Wow what a conundrum for a mum. My heart goes out to you. I have never been to rehab but have friends that have. My only advice is she is there to get specialised help and they will know how to talk with her. Do you have the option of talking to a doctor / councillor at the rehab yourself ? Tell them what she's saying ask advice ?
As for her dad and friends going this weekend but not you. Often we don't want the people around that will tell us the truth we don't want to hear. She probably knows she can get platitudes from her friends and dad but only the truth from you. Try not to be hurt by that.
Man it's hard to be a mum! What a lucky daughter she is to have one who cares as much as you. Sorry it's not much advice , but just wanted you to know I'm here listening x
As for her dad and friends going this weekend but not you. Often we don't want the people around that will tell us the truth we don't want to hear. She probably knows she can get platitudes from her friends and dad but only the truth from you. Try not to be hurt by that.
Man it's hard to be a mum! What a lucky daughter she is to have one who cares as much as you. Sorry it's not much advice , but just wanted you to know I'm here listening x
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 6
Respect, Love, and Distance: Choose Our Lives
Your insight is so appreciated. You are quick and remind me of how young 19 is even though I was a mess then, but this seems messier. I like that you have moved past that stage and lived to tell it and use your learnings to help others. D, my daughter, did stay at rehab and I saw her today and she likes the program and the structure and educational aspects help her lots. She's had lots of psych work (My field too, but when its your child, you lost perspective) and needs more on her terms as before she was young and it was part of her education, but now it's her choice. She will learn more b/c of this. I have to keep my distance, love, and respect for her choices which is hard to to but I can't control her. Loved your quote and really, thanks to your smart bones...
Last edited by joice; 03-03-2013 at 03:20 AM. Reason: typ0
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Boundaries and Love and Clarity
Love your strength and she pays for her car,
and based on what you say and what I'm learning, I will pay for very little. She stayed and I told her she had nowhere to stay at home and I would not pick her up. Saw her today and am I glad to have set the boundaries, which is am pretty good at doing, but she is intense and strong and it takes every ounce of detachment and strength to stand up to her. Father isn't around but he visited her today as did I and she's doing well. YOU seem like you have been in the trenches so thanks so much!
and based on what you say and what I'm learning, I will pay for very little. She stayed and I told her she had nowhere to stay at home and I would not pick her up. Saw her today and am I glad to have set the boundaries, which is am pretty good at doing, but she is intense and strong and it takes every ounce of detachment and strength to stand up to her. Father isn't around but he visited her today as did I and she's doing well. YOU seem like you have been in the trenches so thanks so much!
Last edited by joice; 03-03-2013 at 03:27 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
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Yes, will visit the family and friends. This was my first time. Going to Alanon and strength is coming along with boundary growth. Did tell her I wouldn't pick her up and now she is doing well. NOW is the key. Thanks so much Lexie, and , yes, one breath.
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