Darragh

It is early days yet again - day 2. One of the biggest issues I have (I can’t really call it a trigger in the immediate sense of the word because the episodes are pretty short-lived – a few minutes at most) is something I have had all my life.
Out of nowhere I find myself deluged with a wave of shame, self-revulsion, disgust, ugliness… I have no word for it. It usually only happens when I am around other people, but I can also be alone. I’ve had it my whole life, but when I was younger it didn’t happen often – maybe a few times a month. Now, when I am not drinking, it is up to about ten times a day. I try to joke myself through it – whatever the heck this is, it won’t kill me but drinking will.. or picture myself saying to the people around me, “excuse me a moment, I need to crawl out of my skin. I’ll put it back on shortly.”
It doesn’t trigger me to drink right then, but I am sure it is a factor as to why I build up days and then say what the heck – I can’t live in this body sober.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
Thanks for all the feedback yesterday.
Darragh

hypochondriac

Is this not anxiety Darragh? I have something similar but it is an empty feeling in my head then a wave of blind panic. It usually happens when I am with people too and I suddenly just feel very uncomfortable and everything seems very far away. When I got sober I thought this was a craving but it happened at random times when I wouldn't normally be drinking. I think now it was probably random anxiety and it's totally understandable that it'd happen more in the early days, it's quite an adjustment. Do you think you could just ignore at and see if it gets better with more sober time. Or maybe look into ways of dealing with anxiety. Although it may happen less when you're drinking, alcohol isn't a good treatment for anything x

2granddaughters

I certainly have.

That's why AA has 12 Steps.

The first half of Step 1 allows you to get sober and the other 11 1/2 Steps allow you to live sober. Happily... in your own skin.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

Yes, I definitely had the same thing. I think it's anxiety and it would hit me out of the blue. I could be walking down the street and hear music and, boom, I would be inundated with horribly negative thoughts. It's hard work at times, but if you can stop the feeling as it is starting, it can really help. Have a plan to switch to a thought of being by the ocean, or whatever works for you, and just keep going with it.

Coldfusion

Wow, I sure did feel like that--maybe worse than you.

I went to see a doctor and got help.

That was four months ago, I've been sober ever since.

Critica76

Me too, I have had a sudden onset of panic, irritation, fear, pain .... and all the above. I have also recently been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I positive this is something that has been with me all my life, but the drinking for 20 years hid it.
I am currently working with my counselor and doctor for a medicated route. (along with meetings, therapy etc.)
I also picture myself somewhere enjoyable. For me it in a canoe, drifting along a lake with the sun shining and loons singing.

AshleyNickel

I believe it's demonic...look into it. I had the same thing. It was like this very intense thought out of nowhere that said YOUR A STUPID IDIOT. I mean just outta nowhere. At the time I thought man I have issues. But now I am sure it's a classic demonic attack.

bloss

I feel the same as many have posted. My doctor thinks I began drinking to lessen anxiety. Didn't work for me as I became an alcoholic. Right now I am trying daily mediation. I guess we all have to do the what we think is best in our particular situation.

Darragh

Thanks for all the replies. It seems different from anxiety, but I guess could be a manifestation of such. I get severe anxiety the morning after drinking - where I jump at my own shadow. This is more... feeling like I am naked or dirty or something. Or that if the people I am with could see into the real me they wouldn't give me the time of day. Of course my habit is to alienate people - self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am on meds for anxiety/depression. This time I am going to let them work, by not drinking.
D

hypochondriac

Anxiety does present in some very odd ways. I remember when I was having daily panic attacks and I swore down to my doc that I wasn't stressed or anxious. It doesn't feel that way sometimes but it has to come out somehow. I broke out in hives because of stress yet I would still say 'But I'm not stressed'. At the moment my need to isolate and do very little comes from a place of anxiety, though I don't really feel anxious. I hope it gets better now you're sober. Give it time x

fantail

I've had similar issues my whole life, as well. I had a break through a few years ago when I learned to isolate the physical sensations that came with the thoughts... for me it's a tightening around my sternum.

Once I realized that, I noticed that the physical feeling would start first, and then my brain goes bouncing around for reasons. As soon as I land on something -- some mistake I'd made, some comment that maybe didn't go over well, whatever -- I would focus on that and obsess about it. I was tricking myself into thinking that that thing was a big deal, when really I was just having a physical, chemical reaction and my brain was trying to find a cause.

So now when I start feeling anxious (or shameful, or self-loathing) I do a little mental sweep through my body and locate the physical feeling, and I focus on that. Same as I would if I were feeling nauseous, or had a cut on my leg. And when my brain starts to offer "reasons" for the feeling, I cut it off and remind myself that it's a physical sensation that has no connection to reality. Those feelings are about as real as watching a scary movie and then being afraid that there are zombies in the garage. It's your brain being over vigilant. It means well, but it's off the mark!

I'm two weeks in as of today, and I can definitely say that the first week was crazy town for me. This week it's much better. I'm on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds too. Getting out of their way and letting them do their thing has been really beneficial.

Dee74

I hated myself for a lot of years.
I was never comfortable in my own company.

The anxiety I felt not drinking would exacerbate that.

Counselling helped me Darragh, but its all about getting comfortable with ourselves and with living life sober.

It takes time and a little patience I think
You're not alone with this either - it will get better.

D

Applecrumble

Hi Darragh

A little trick I'm using at the mo when I become consumed/attacked by awful thoughts and feelings is to force myself to listen for the silence ... Anywhere ... In your environment, your body, your brain. When the moment of silence stops i listen to find the next one. I find it in very surprising places.

It's just a different form of Anna's suggestion, simple distraction through forced concentration. anythings worth a try when we are feeling bad I think.

Congrats on day 2!

Darragh

Thanks so much folks, for the support, some of your explanations are fascinating - I love Fantail's "brain means well, it is just off the mark".

I am also heartened by what no one has said, which is that is MUST be clear evidence I was sexually abused in childhood, probably by a parent. I cannot tell you how many therapists have insisted on that, and said I would never recover until I admitted it myself. I have absolutely no memories of any such thing, but I told myself for many years that maybe I had repressed memories that would surface after my family were dead (i.e. theory being once I was 'safe'.). Well, now they have been gone for almost ten years... nope.. no memories. Just the creepy crawlies.

I will try to pay attention to any physical stimuli I may feel. Again...thanks to all, so much.

Darragh

hypochondriac

Therapists have actually said that? without any evidence? Wow. Just wow. Things like CBT are very good for dealing with stuff like this. I used that on a lot of health anxiety I had and it is very similar to what Fantail describes x

fantail

The first half of this radio episode (you can stream it for free) has a really fascinating story about the "recovered memory" trend that was around for a while in psychology, and all the havoc it caused: Ask An Expert | This American Life

Hypochondriac, I've had CBT recommended to me before... maybe I should give it a shot!

Darragh

What a great article/radio show. That's right around the time I would have gone to therapy too.
Oh, and (off topic but a small rant about how I think doctors have screwed me up worse than I was..) I had an eating disorder in high school - still do to some extent.. and went to see a psych. I told her I had anxiety about my parents dying and leaving me alone. Her response: "That is an unconscious wish you have, to kill them".
There are no words.

Again, thanks so much. I will look into CBT I think. And just try to be here in the now, for now. And if my brain goes down the shame/self-revulsion path.. try to tell myself it's not reality.

Oh, and above all.... not drink!

Dee74

I hope you're with different therapists now Darragh

D