pattyj

My BF had the nerve to go to his parents about my problems. We are very close with them and they used to think the world of me. I understand that he needed someone to talk to but not his freaking parents. Now, I don't want to see them for awhile. Yeah, I screwed up. I'm taking ownership of it but it's my dark secret to tell people about not his. Did he have the right to do this? Is it okay for me to tell him how angry I am about this betrayal?

He also thinks that I should tell anyone and everyone who will listen that I have a drinking problem. He says he doesn't know what to say when people ask why I am not drinking or out at the bar with him. I have told him over and over that this is my disease, my issue, and my business to tell if and who I want to. He says that since it affects his life that he can tell people about it as well. He'll text me and whisper to me while we are out 'just tell them already.' And if I don't go out, something usually gets said. I know others have gone through this but it is so frustrating!!!

hypochondriac

I don't have a partner so I can't relate to this precisely Patty, but I have noticed that my sister doesn't understand why I wouldn't just tell everyone. In a way it is a good thing in that they don't see it as something to be ashamed of, but then they don't have to live with the guilt and shame. Maybe that's something we have to deal with ourselves, not that we have to be all out and open about it, but wouldn't it be nice to not be bothered if someone found out. It really isn't something we need to be ashamed of x

Nonsensical

Is there an approved list of people with whom your boyfriend is authorized to discuss how he is coping with his girlfriend's alcohol issues?

Perhaps you can direct him to the SR friends and family forums?

ReadyAtLast

I would also be very annoyed. I understand he might want to discuss his own feelings/problems confidentially with a close friend or family member but to tell everyone/gossip about you and expect you to do the same is just disrespectful and wrong. If you've said not to tell people and he does i think you need to take a closer look at your relationship as it goes way deeper than drinking problems

Wastinglife

hi Patty,
I can relate to your situation. My ex-gf was a first-hand witness to my descent into alcoholism and I put her through a lot. However, she confided in a number of her friends/family about my problem. Specifically, she told her brother and sister-in-law about my drinking and it made things very awkward. Eventually, her parents and entire family knew and I never attended another of her family gatherings again. It was definitely a catalyst in our break-up although the relationship was pretty much over anyway. Still, I do feel like my privacy was somewhat violated by her, so I know how you feel.

upandup

Hi pattyj, oh wow I do hear you. I don't know if you're in AA or not but I am. And like you, my then bf decided to tell people. Same rationale as your bf too. Someone in the thread is created at the time likened it to if he had hemorrhoids, would he want that out there or to have to explain why he can't go out and can't sit or whatever? In my case it was about a lack of respect.

Would he react the same way if it was one of his buddies, riding their a$$es to get them to talk about it? He needs a place to get it off of his chest? Fine, there's a group called alanon. They would more likely be better equipped to handle his concerns than the average person.

I can relate to your feelings of betrayal. It seemed like my ex was more interested in seeming important than telling people rather than acting out of my best interest. If I had cancer I'd feel the same way.

It also strikes me as weird that there has to be a reason for not drinking, an excuses for not going out. Shrug, don't feel like it. None of your business, really. Laying off the giggle juice for a bit. Paying attention to my health. Whatever. Sounds like a bigger deal is being made in certain areas than needed.

I am truly sorry about his indiscretion. How would he react if the shoe were on the other foot, you telling friends and family about something about him, nagging him about it, and trying to tell him what to do?

upandup

(Err, my apologies for some awkward auto corrects and sentences, on my phone. But let me know if you need me to clarify)

doggonecarl

I think we alcoholics tend to forget that "our drinking problem" often becomes the problem of our loved ones and friends. And people talk. I don't think it's helpful to get upset, as you can't control what other people do or think.

Don't let this hinder your recovery.

pattyj

This is the first time he has ever betrayed my trust like this. But we have never had a serious issue in our relationship. I think I am going to talk to him about it and compare it to hemorrids. I think that might get it across to him. I need to find something to compare my problem with so that he can relate to it better. I will also have him put himself in my shoes and see how he feels about the nagging and telling the world about it. I have put him through alot as well but I have told many people around me that I quit drinking. I don't go into that I'm an alcoholic but I do say that I need a break from it.

He doesn't think that I am serious about getting better if I don't share it with everyone. I don't think my telling everyone will make a difference. I have admitted to a problem and am working on it.

wiscsober

As you, he has every right to talk to his parents about anything in his life. You may suggest to him some reading materials about family and friends of alcoholics/addicts. Al-Anon helped me out tremendously, because it is very hard to understand what should be private or not, what boundaries if any are set.

As you stated you have a disease, so this 'event' is a perfect opportunity to make amends if you want. This is a much easier solution than the pain the active alcoholism has caused.

Suggest to him an open AA/NA meeting. Convey what you want in your relationship.
Suggest an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting.

Best to you, and may recovery come swift and sure to you and your boyfriend.

drunkyjules

I can see why you are upset. It is a very big deal, especially when we are just coming to accept the disease ourselves. I don't think there are any "rules" on who to tell or not to tell but I would think its a common sense thing and it gets worked out over time.

I also don't know your relationship with his parents, you say its good and they think the world of you. If that is the case I don't think the fact you have a disease should change that. It is all in how we handle things.

Definitely communicate with him, its the key to heathy relationships! Hang in there!!

fallingtogether

I've been there. I felt so betrayed at first because I was not ready to admit the degree of my problem. It took about another year before I discovered my bottom. I'm grateful today that my dh did tht, it made them better prepared when I needed their support. I felt like they were going to hate me. They didn't, they loved me. Your drinking problem is your problem, the situations you create by your drinking affect him too. He needs to seek help too, maybe alanon would hve been a better choice, but your secrets out, now it's time to face the music. You will be grateful some day.

Alva

I went through something similar when my gf told her good friends about my drinking problem. At first I was upset because like you I felt it was my problem and should be kept between us. But after hearing her out how she needs to talk to people about what's she's going through I began to understand what she was feeling and the damage I caused. I'm able to go to AA and express myself to my fellowship about not only drinking but my relationship so why should she not be able to do the same? It was humbling but it helped her when she needed that help.

Dee74

I understand why your bf needed to speak to someone, but I understand your distress too Patty.

I'd speak to him and let him know how that made you feel - and let him know this is your recovery - you need to be the one making the decisions.

D

Pondlady

I like my privacy. I understand his need to talk with someone he trusts, however , he must now accept the consequences of his decision....for example, you no longer feel comfortable around his parents, or may wish to avoid some people, / situations, as you make your recovery a priority. You can't control anyone but yourself.

SophieB

For me I want to talk about my alcoholism when I want to talk about it. I have a friend that is seriously overweight, she cries about and gets sad like we do about drinking. She struggles everyday. If we /she goes out orders a healthy choice or no dessert people with good manners would never ask her if she is on a diet??

What do people think other people's choices are their business???

Tuffgirl

I just don't see how hemorrhoids is on the same level as alcoholism. As the now ex-spouse of an alcoholic, I understand his need for privacy about his issues, but I had a lot of explaining to do to our families about his behavior and my choices because of it. Believe me, it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with my parents or with my children. It wasn't a situation I wanted to be in! And I would take a severe case of hemorrhoids any day over the roller coaster ride of alcoholism. I would rather tell people that I couldn't sit then my husband is an alcoholic and treats me and my kids like crap therefore I have to move out to protect us and can I stay here for a few months until I can get back on my feet?!

It is impossible for him to relate to you as an alcoholic. But I do believe it is impossible to really understand how it feels to be him, the non-alcoholic trying to love you as best he can, in all his ignorance to this situation.

Instead of being angry and feeling betrayed, try to have some compassion for him, as I am sure you expect him to have compassion for you. He didn't mean to hurt you on purpose, just as you didn't mean to hurt him with your drinking. Instead of thinking this was a purposeful maneuver against you, done with malice, maybe look at it as him trying to find some support for himself. And maybe he's about as good as that as you are at controlling your drinking. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all fumble through this kind of stress with what tools we have to cope with it. Before you label him for this action, check his intentions. You may be surprised that he wasn't thinking of you at all, and it wasn't on purpose.

If this guy is still willing to be in a relationship with you through alcoholism and into recovery, cherish that, even when he screws up. He'll respect you for it, and shoot, maybe even continue to cherish you in all your life follies.

P.S. If he did do this on purpose, to dis you and discredit you to his folks, then you've got a whole 'nother situation on your hands.

pattyj

I guess I didn't look at it from his perspective. Thanks Tuffgirl! I suppose I need to put myself in his place for a minute.

Tuffgirl

I am glad I didn't offend you, pattyj. I winced when I hit the post button, thinking I may have just projected my own stuff here, and your man could just be a big a-hole!

My ex husband divorced me for reasons that still don't make sense, at 18 months sober (so he says...). Devastated me and my children (his step daughters). I was always doing something wrong! And it was never intended to be "at" him. Kind of like how we say in the Friends & Family forums, "they aren't using/drinking/addicted AT us, they just are". I was just living my life, fumbling through each day as best I could, sometimes very self aware, sometimes totally wrapped up in myself and being thoughtless.

But he took every slight as a major offense that was done with malice and forethought, regardless of what I said about it. I was tried and condemned before I even knew something was wrong.

He broke my heart and kicked his family to the curb, over a perceived slight he made up and refused to let go of. What an idiot. We loved him, and he threw that away to be right, to feel justified, resentful, and right. Don't be him. Don't make his mistakes. If this guy truly loves you, hang onto that. It's worth the emotional bumps and bruises along the way.

RocketQueen

I only read through the first couple of posts, and it reminded me of something a lot of people in this forum have told friends/loved ones to soften the blow about why they're not drinking: "im not drinking because im trying to be healthier". I think this is a fantastic reason for not drinking and have used it myself. Of course thats not going to undo the damage done with your in laws, however, talking to your partner and suggesting that if he feels he MUST say something to people in the future, he could tell them not that you are in recovery per se, but you are creating a healthier lifestyle for yourself.

As far as your in laws go, perhaps you could look at it in a different light. That they now know you are actively working to change your life for the better and there is absolutely nothing negative or embarrassing about that. You should be proud of what you are setting out to achieve, and they should be too.

Good luck

RQ