Behind my back
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I have read and reread this thread, and finally decided to post. Take what you want, leave the rest. Written with compassion.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic father, the sister of an alcoholic brother, the niece of an alcoholic aunt, and the wife of an alcoholic husband. Most of my male cousins are dead from addiction of one sort or another.
From my experience, addiction is life controlling; what the addict does, how they relate to people, how they live, is all built around their addiction. As the child of an alcoholic, it all seemed very normal to me. Not happy, not pleasant, but familiar. I lived within the boundaries set by my alcoholic father to allow him to drink and to keep his job and his status. I lived within the walls of a chaotic, abusive, sometimes violent home life and I kept those secrets. There was no other choice.
When I married my second husband almost 20 years ago, I was a successful woman with a rewarding career, known as a leader. I did not drink. I loved my husband deeply. As the years passed, his alcoholism presented itself, then grew worse and worse, and I was what I thought a “good wife” was. I took care of him, I kept him safe, I handled his growing health issues, I lived the life he wanted and I kept the secrets he needed me to keep. I loved him.
He required that I move away from my family, friends and community, and I did. I gave up my career, got very sick, and finally just stayed at home. By then we were terribly geographically isolated and I had no community at all near me, just internet and long distance friends. He alienated new people who could have been friends.
He got extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and added pornography to his addictions. To feel good about himself, he blamed, demeaned, vilified and punished me. He threatened to hang himself where I would find him. He used porn as a weapon against me and told me I was deficient and should learn from watching porn. I was more and more a lost soul, as I capitulated to living on his terms, doing whatever I had to do to try to keep his rage in check, tiptoeing around in my own life, barely present.
When his addictive behavior became so outrageous that even I recognized it as unbearable, I left suddenly and filed for divorce within the week. He chose his alcohol and his porn over me, and I never went home again.
Now, eight months later, he has continued his punitive behavior and has not filed any reasonable financial documents with the Court so our divorce is stalled. His pattern continues.
What is different is me.
I have had time to reflect on what I did, unwittingly, from the best of motives, to cause the insular life-system of my marriage to exist and, in its devastation, to thrive.
Pattyj, you have made a major life choice for health, for life. I believe that to recover, you and I must shatter our former lives and create new ones. I have had to reach out for every source of support, every resource possible to find my almost lost soul and begin to recover, begin to heal.
Your partner, any and every partner of an addict, must make a choice of great magnitude for his own life. He must choose health, and do whatever that requires of him, including reach out to his closest family.
I have raised 2 children to happy adulthood, and step-parented 3 now adult children. I must be candid with you. Your anger at your boyfriend for reaching out to his parents with the truth of what he has been living reminds me of a child's tantrum. As I read your reflection about what others have posted on your thread, it is clear that you are capable of much more introspection and empathy.
You have suffered greatly, and your courage and commitment to recovery is awesome. I admire you, I honor you, and I wish you every success. Your partner needs a comparable commitment from you to do what he has to do to heal. You both are sick. You both must heal for yourselves and for any future of your relationship. As I must heal myself.
Keeping secrets will not cut it. We did what we did. We are what we are. We cast that die and we cannot undo that. It will not help our souls to try to hide what we have done and who we have become.
Shakespeare said “True compassion is ruthless”.
I believe the only way to fight addiction – whether it is addiction to a substance, or addiction to an loved addict – is through absolute honesty.
ShootingStar1
I am the daughter of an alcoholic father, the sister of an alcoholic brother, the niece of an alcoholic aunt, and the wife of an alcoholic husband. Most of my male cousins are dead from addiction of one sort or another.
From my experience, addiction is life controlling; what the addict does, how they relate to people, how they live, is all built around their addiction. As the child of an alcoholic, it all seemed very normal to me. Not happy, not pleasant, but familiar. I lived within the boundaries set by my alcoholic father to allow him to drink and to keep his job and his status. I lived within the walls of a chaotic, abusive, sometimes violent home life and I kept those secrets. There was no other choice.
When I married my second husband almost 20 years ago, I was a successful woman with a rewarding career, known as a leader. I did not drink. I loved my husband deeply. As the years passed, his alcoholism presented itself, then grew worse and worse, and I was what I thought a “good wife” was. I took care of him, I kept him safe, I handled his growing health issues, I lived the life he wanted and I kept the secrets he needed me to keep. I loved him.
He required that I move away from my family, friends and community, and I did. I gave up my career, got very sick, and finally just stayed at home. By then we were terribly geographically isolated and I had no community at all near me, just internet and long distance friends. He alienated new people who could have been friends.
He got extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and added pornography to his addictions. To feel good about himself, he blamed, demeaned, vilified and punished me. He threatened to hang himself where I would find him. He used porn as a weapon against me and told me I was deficient and should learn from watching porn. I was more and more a lost soul, as I capitulated to living on his terms, doing whatever I had to do to try to keep his rage in check, tiptoeing around in my own life, barely present.
When his addictive behavior became so outrageous that even I recognized it as unbearable, I left suddenly and filed for divorce within the week. He chose his alcohol and his porn over me, and I never went home again.
Now, eight months later, he has continued his punitive behavior and has not filed any reasonable financial documents with the Court so our divorce is stalled. His pattern continues.
What is different is me.
I have had time to reflect on what I did, unwittingly, from the best of motives, to cause the insular life-system of my marriage to exist and, in its devastation, to thrive.
Pattyj, you have made a major life choice for health, for life. I believe that to recover, you and I must shatter our former lives and create new ones. I have had to reach out for every source of support, every resource possible to find my almost lost soul and begin to recover, begin to heal.
Your partner, any and every partner of an addict, must make a choice of great magnitude for his own life. He must choose health, and do whatever that requires of him, including reach out to his closest family.
I have raised 2 children to happy adulthood, and step-parented 3 now adult children. I must be candid with you. Your anger at your boyfriend for reaching out to his parents with the truth of what he has been living reminds me of a child's tantrum. As I read your reflection about what others have posted on your thread, it is clear that you are capable of much more introspection and empathy.
You have suffered greatly, and your courage and commitment to recovery is awesome. I admire you, I honor you, and I wish you every success. Your partner needs a comparable commitment from you to do what he has to do to heal. You both are sick. You both must heal for yourselves and for any future of your relationship. As I must heal myself.
Keeping secrets will not cut it. We did what we did. We are what we are. We cast that die and we cannot undo that. It will not help our souls to try to hide what we have done and who we have become.
Shakespeare said “True compassion is ruthless”.
I believe the only way to fight addiction – whether it is addiction to a substance, or addiction to an loved addict – is through absolute honesty.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with TG a hundred percent. I've been on both sides of the alcoholic relationship.
If my non-alcoholic partner "outed" me about my problems out of anger, to turn people against me, I would have a right to complain. But if he needed to talk with a parent, a sibling, a friend, ANYONE, for his own support and sanity in the insane world of living with an alcoholic, I would have no right to complain. It was probably very, very difficult for him to talk to his parents about it. When I had to tell my own parents about my husband's alcoholism, it was embarrassing and upsetting. I did it because I had to, because I was leaving him after only a few months of marriage (he had gone back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married).
So yes, have some compassion for him. I'm sure he did not do it to hurt or to embarrass you.
If my non-alcoholic partner "outed" me about my problems out of anger, to turn people against me, I would have a right to complain. But if he needed to talk with a parent, a sibling, a friend, ANYONE, for his own support and sanity in the insane world of living with an alcoholic, I would have no right to complain. It was probably very, very difficult for him to talk to his parents about it. When I had to tell my own parents about my husband's alcoholism, it was embarrassing and upsetting. I did it because I had to, because I was leaving him after only a few months of marriage (he had gone back to drinking after almost dying of it before we were married).
So yes, have some compassion for him. I'm sure he did not do it to hurt or to embarrass you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
pattyj,
When I went into rehab three and a half years ago it was only myself and my wife who knew. We kept it from everyone, except I didn't know until a few weeks after I'd finished it that she had told her brother and her mother.
I felt totally violated. Trust was an issue for me after that and I resented my wife.
Three and a half years later I understand she was only trying to help me, and while I wish she would have asked me before telling anyone, I now know she was just trying to help me and extend my support network, and I would have said no.
I hope that your case is the same, extending the support network, and if it is I hope you utilize it, unlike I did. People are there for you that you don't even realize.
Good luck!
When I went into rehab three and a half years ago it was only myself and my wife who knew. We kept it from everyone, except I didn't know until a few weeks after I'd finished it that she had told her brother and her mother.
I felt totally violated. Trust was an issue for me after that and I resented my wife.
Three and a half years later I understand she was only trying to help me, and while I wish she would have asked me before telling anyone, I now know she was just trying to help me and extend my support network, and I would have said no.
I hope that your case is the same, extending the support network, and if it is I hope you utilize it, unlike I did. People are there for you that you don't even realize.
Good luck!
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