Gforce23

Hello everyone,

Tomorrow is 44 days of sobriety for me... YAY me, right? Well, something is going on, and I don't know if it has something to do with early sobriety, or peri-menopause, (I'm turning 43 this year) or both!

I'll try to explain--those of you that have read my posts before know a few things about me already, but I'm going to re-cap, so please bear with me, as my concern about my behavior comes at the end:

I have ADHD, which means I have a number of challenges. Not only do I have trouble with staying focused, distractibility, organization, etc., I also have trouble regulating my temper, I get EASILY stressed, and I have pretty low frustration tolerance.

Now, all that being said, I've been to therapy on and off for years. I've been working on my reactions, being patient, etc, for years. I thought I was making a lot of progress. I don't yell at my kid the way my mother yelled a me. I try be patient. When I sense myself losing it, I take a break.

However, my husband and I sometimes have a difficult dynamic: My buttons are easily pushed, and my reactions to having them pushed can go off the charts. My husband, loves to push buttons, ESPECIALLY MINE. He loves to imply things sarcastically, or even make insinuations, or just get his none to subtle jabs in, and when I react with predictable hostility, he stands there acting like I'm crazy...which makes me feel even crazier. Now, I've been working very hard over the last few years, not to act like a crazy person when pushes my buttons. I've worked very hard on walking away, taking time outs, and doing whatever I need to do to not react to him.

However, nearly a month and a half into my sobriety, all this work seems to have gone out the window. We got into it the other day, and I was shaking with anger, I was shaking with resentment, I felt COMPLETELY out of control. I went to the basement and I was trying to calm down, I was trying to talk to myself rationally, but this irrational anger just kept flooding me and overwhelming me. I picked a fight with him for hours. It was exhausting. I kept trying to tell my self to find a different way to act, but then I'd go back upstairs and lose it again.

I remember now--Sunday I was working hard to get the house clean, and I wasn't really getting any help. I was asking for it, but I was getting irritated, and my husband responded by just flying the coop, and I did everything myself that day. I just couldn't get over my anger! I was throwing stuff in the basement screaming that I didn't sign up to be some Martha Stewart F*&%^ing Housefrau!

The next day, things had calmed down, and I felt pretty good. However, later in the evening, my kid wanted to help me with dinner. I want him to help, but it's hard for me. I always feel stressed getting dinner ready, and I don't multi-task well. I like to cook, but only if there is no pressure, and no distractions. So, any way, I decided to let him help, and I gave him something I thought he could do. Well, after endless interruptions, questions, and distractions from my sweet well meaning boy, the pot was boiling over, the pan was burning and the broiler was burning the toast. I decided to let my son watch Animals at Work so I could get dinner ready in peace. After this, my husband walks in the door while I am concentrating on getting dinner done (someone please bring back the days of separate kitchens with closeable doors! No more "open plans" please!) and asks me how my day was. I grunted something, and he says sarcastically, "I take it you had a bad day?" Out of my mouth goes, "NO, I didn't, I'm just trying to get dinner on the table!" Then, it turns out Animals at Work ended and the Knowledge network, unbeknownst to me, had some show on involving naked cadavers. Well, my husband uses this opportunity to shove this in my face by saying in a sing-songy semi-sarcastic voice, "Oh, I wonder what would have happened if I had been "letting" (our son) watch this, I just wonder?"

Obviously I wasn't "letting" him watch it. It just came on after Animals @ Freaking Work while I was busy.
Needless to say, I just freaking lost it. I lost it. I slammed the pan of peanuts I was roasting on the stove and they went flying everywhere. I was pointing a spatula at him and yelling that I didn't "let" our son watch anything and I was just trying to get dinner on the F*&^%ing table" I was losing it and telling him to make his own damn dinner and to leave me the F*&^ck alone! Cook your own damn dinner!!! BANG, SMASH goes the pan.

He disappeared to the basement, and I went down there, and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I should apologize, but instead, I railed at him for "pushing my buttons," and how sick I am of it. I was shaking and telling him to leave the F*&CK alone.

Seriously, what is going on with me. I may be on the volatile side, but this is EXTREME, even for me. Once and a while I might lose it like this if say, it's almost that time of the month and I'm stressed and under pressure, but this going on for days is not like me. I feel like I'm losing it. I just don't know why. Where in the hell is this coming from??????

Like I said, is this something to do with early sobriety? Could I be peri-menopausal? (I guess I would have to talk to a doctor about that.) WTF is going on. I've worked really hard at not having these types of reactions, and now I feel like I've regressed even farther back from where I started in the first place. It feels awful.

I'd be really grateful for any advice or ideas--however, please spare me the whole "you can choose your attitude/reaction in the situation" because I am aware of that and it won't be helpful, because something is not right and don't know what it is. If I don't figure this out, I'm going to wreck my marriage that I have worked so hard at maintaining!

Sorry for the extra long post. I just thought all the relevant facts were needed.

Thanks.

ScottFromWI

Early on in your message you mention you've been in therapy on and off, and then in your second to last you mention that perhaps you should see your doctor. When was the last time you saw your therapist or doctor? Have you seen them since you quit drinking? If there is a physiological reason they might be able to help.

I know going sober has certainly thrown me out of whack in many ways, so it's possible that sobriety is cause of part of this for you - but only a Doctor or Therapist can tell you for sure.

doggonecarl

If your addiction thinks it can get you to drink by making you angry, it will. It will make you rage.

There are a lot of ways to deal with anger. Getting your husband to not take so much glee in pushing your buttons...that's beyond me.

Good luck. Stay sober. Stay strong.

PS

Forty-four days is awesome!

Received

G - sent you a pm.

Gforce23

No,

I haven't seen a therapist or a doctor. I can't really afford it right now, like for real. I don't have medical yet here in Canada, and we are a month behind on all of our bills.

I guess I'll try and get an appointment with a doctor soon. I'm wondering if 43 isn't to young for peri-menopause, but I just don't know. My mother was well in her 50's before she hit menopause.

In anycase, Doggonecarl, I don't think it's my "addiction" trying to get me to drink--I did 't drink, nor did I feel like I was struggling with wanting to. At one point I went downstairs and my husband had left half a beer on the workbench. I looked at it, thought about it, and said "nope, it won't help," and walked away. So, I don't think that's it.

Cheers!

fini

gforce,
it would be difficult, i think, to separate out what's "normal" for you when you can't really know what's due to early sobriety and what's not and what's due to your hubby adjusting to the "new you" while you're adjusting to....you know what i'm saying?
seems a common thing, to have intense emotions come up. to feel out of control, intense.
something a lot of us experience. rollercoaster stuff, too.
44 days is a long time but still early.
and it's quite possible you have good reasons to be angry, and maybe years and years of not really looking at it.
so much going on the first few months......cut yourself some slack. the "few deep breaths" thing worked/works for me. and the actually literally walking away for just thirty seconds or a minute to get myself together...just to get a grip. just to safeguard in the moment.

2granddaughters

Are you attending your AA meetings regularly?

All the best.

Bob R

PreciousKitty

Sounds very familiar. I got sober for 9 months but was still avoiding my problems (the cleaning the entire house without help rings a bell). I was sober and thought everything was ok and that i could handle things because i was sober but i was still not allowing myself to feel my real feelings. It was foreign to me I think after years of numbing them.

It took a relapse (after nine months) to make me think long and hard because I was so confused as to why I relapsed.

I knew that I had put up with peoples crap for a long time and it prob contributed to me drinking for all those years, but after the relapse it finally really hit me.

Oh so much anger I had held in for so so many years. Anger from ==== out of no where just like you are describing.

Now I have relapsed a few times. But before each relapse I usually feel the anger and recognize the reason i am drinking. I have made some dumb choices and relapsed but know now that that is how I have been dealing with things for a very long time.

I know I have some serious changes to make and I need to start holding people accountable. For me that is so much easier said than done.

It is quite a process. I am getting there though.

Maybe your anger is built up but you are no longer covering it up with alcohol.

upandup

Heya, hope you're doing ok! Sobriety has done some fine work on my moods too. I'm curious, has your husband been to Al-anon?

Gforce23

2grandaughters--in response to your question, I am attending 2 a week, regularly. You might suggest more meetings, but it would be difficult for me to do more. There is only one in my town, and I'm already taking time away for another in the town over. I guess I could try for more in the evenings in town.

PreciousKitty and Fini, yeah I here where you are coming from, but I always thought of myself as someone who got anger out--as in, I am fairly reactionary and volatile--I've got that Celtic Hot-Headed gene--so I was always trying to work on being LESS angry, not MORE angry. One of my mothers old friends told my mom when I was 24 that I appeared to "have a lot of anger." At the time I had idea what she was talking about. I'm starting to wonder, if my reactivity and angry outburst in my life, have actually had less to do with feeling my real feelings and more to do with actually covering them up with in-authentic anger, or being angry about things that are like red-herrings? You know, like "kick the dog" type of anger, when you lash out at people or things when the anger is really about something else. Maybe that's it.

I was thinking about this thing with my husband. It's almost like, even though I've been working very hard on my end of things, (not reacting to his b.s.) It's like this demon inside of me is just raging out my being like, "Oh no you WILL NOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS MOTHERF***r." Sorry, but it's intense! It's like what--I just discovered that have boundaries but I'm not sure how to make them clear to him or other people with out completely going right over board? Is that it?

fini

gforce,
oh, i'm reactive alright. immediately. always have been. but not acting it out has gotten easier and easier with length of sobriety.
anger, it seems, is the easiest and quickest for me to "be in touch" with.
but:when i manage to take the time and really look, sit with it, sit with it some more, quite often it's something else behind there.
the three feelings most frequently covered up by anger that i see in me:
-hurt
-fear
-vulnerability to others;others have power/control in the circumstances that affect me

maybe something similar is true for you?

and then there's the opposite at times, too: NOT feeling angry when this would be appropriate...

Gforce23

Hey there again--PreciousKitty, I know you will figure it out. I never thought that I drank to avoid feeling things, I always thought that I drank because it was "fun." However, when it's your go-to crutch for having fun or dealing with stress, yeah, I could see how you might be avoiding feelings and not even be aware of it.

Fini, you are right. A lot of my anger comes from hurt. A lot of my life growing up, I felt deeply misunderstood by adults (they didn't know I had ADHD, I didn't find that out until I was 24) I suffered a lot criticism and blame. When my husband criticizes me or basically makes fun of me when I'm stressed out or having a hard time (because to him, "making dinner just isn't that hard." ) I just freak out. I feel a really deep hurt that the one person in the world who is supposed to be in my corner and whom I'm supposed to trust, often refuses to try and understand me or have compassion for me.

My husband has often said to me that I use "ADD as an excuse." He sounds just like my dad. When I was trying to repair my relationship with my dad, I would talk to him about my diagnosis and how not knowing about it or having it treated probably affected my life, and he would just say I was using it as an "excuse"-- not a reason, an "excuse." So, yep, there is a river of pain in me about as deep and wide as the Mississippi River around feeling misunderstood, criticized and even ridiculed over things that I have a hard time with that other people seem to think should be "easy." To others, I'm just being "ridiculous" or "melodramatic," or I'm "making excuses," or "I could pay attention if I wanted to," or I could do XYZ if "I wanted to." A lot of people in my life have for some reason felt like it was O.K to criticize me and even mock me (my mother for one.) Maybe that's why I'm so damn angry. I've struggled my whole life with self-esteem, and I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager (My dad of course, thought I was on drugs, not depressed.)

Sometimes I feel like I have to fight for my very life with some people.
I've fought to get a toe hold on my self-esteem, but as far I've come over the years, it's fragile.

I guess I was just born sensitive. I was heavily bullied as a child, and my grandmother used to try and tell me to shrug it off "like water off a ducks back." I've never been able to shrug things off like anything, let alone a ducks back. I'm more like a mud puddle, just keep soaking up that dirty water and taking all that crap so personally.

Now what, my husband and his attitude toward me has become like a symbol of all the crap I've taken in my life, and crap, I'm done with taking crap! My mother is coming back from Mexico soon, and as much as I love my mom--she is funny and smart and pretty great... I'm going to have deal with her treating my like misbehaving teenager (and I'm married, I'm 42, and I have a 5 year old.) what with her rolling her eyes at me and treating me with so much impatience. Yay. I can't wait. In the past I've had both my husband and my mother sitting at a table both rolling their eyes at me, and I swear I wanted to tell them to go effing' marry each other and let me move to Tahiti with my son.

PreciousKitty, when you say "hold people accountable," I guess I'm uncertain as to what that means, because I guess I believe, that since I can't control peoples behavior or actions, I have to figure out how I'm going to deal with it, instead of trying to change people, so maybe you could tell me more about what you mean by that. Maybe I just don't know how to have boundaries.

Thanks for listening to my big poor me sob story everyone . I hope it wasn't too much of a pity parade--it does feel good just to get it out.

Gforce23

Geez Upandup, while I was having my pity parade, I forgot to answer your question. I don't know if my husband would go to Al-anon, I've never asked him to. What could I tell him that the benefits might be, because I don't really know much about it.

Thanks!

soberclover

I read your post Gforce23 and had to laugh as I could so relate! What I know about myself is that I am VERY peri....I'm 46 and my mom went through menopause really early too. I have a slight more days then you so if you mix getting sober in with being perimenopausal you have one giant hot-mess. Don't forget to add to the mix that it is also a challenge to deal with the whole mood/feeling/dealing with life thing and figuring out where it all came from. I ended up divorcing my button pusher as one of us was not going to make it if we didn't. I'm in counseling and digging real deep figuring out the anger thing. You are not alone. Keep talking/posting and not matter what don't drink. Maybe you can research on the whole peri thing as you can't do the doc right now. There is a lot of information out there as far as how to deal naturally. At least I've learned I'm not crazy.

Anna

Do not disregard the possibility of perimenopause and the havoc it can cause in your life. I began permenopause earlier than you and it was kind of the icing on the cake that led me to drinking. I had never used alcohol before that, but I had a lot of things coming together in a bad way and I made the choice to try it. Anyways, it wasn't until I stopped drinking that I realized the role that perimenopause played in my life. There are lots of really good books on how to manage your health in natural ways during this time.

Also, I relate to you and the trouble you are having with boundaries. Before I began to drink, I had no boundaries at all. When I began to make boundaries, I did it in a fierce, almost resentful way. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable and strong in my boundaries.

By the way, I found that journalling my anger helped a lot.

ClearLight

Well hey G-

Wondered where you have been. Too bad it wasn't a happier post - but it's still good to hear from you.

Hey - I come from a family with anger issues. I remember my mom being so pissed 'cause she wanted the house clean and no one was helping her. things definitely flew around the house.

Several folks have mentioned that your sobriety may have unmasked the intensity of some traits. Seems like that could be the case. Not that you drank when you got angry but that drinking may have been a way to let off tension that was building at a totally different time.

My other thought is that, once you get that your medical care, a therapist could be really good. Just to get a professional's feed back.

Coldfusion

G, I haven't wanted to comment here because I think you are getting the best advice from other women. Good going on 44 days--I was wondering how you were doing.

But about Al-Anon: it's a support group for those who live with alcoholics. Not sure how to word this so you could tell your husband--he would learn not to push your buttons.

Let's see,

"You will get support for ways to be happy forever."

No, too delusional...

"You will get support for being an a**hole."

No, too rude...

"You can go there and complain about me (the alcoholic) all you want, and others will listen and tell you that complaining is a good thing."

That's getting better....

More so than AA, I think people have no idea they need Al-Anon. They don't think they have a problem. I went to Al-Anon several years ago, when my wife got a DUI but I refused to admit I had a drinking problem. I didn't realize how much living with an alcoholic affected me and my behavior.

kizzy40

I would say it's the early sobriety, how about a colour chart?.... sounds odd hear me out, you could work with your hubby on a sort of traffic light system, to show him your mood when he returns from work;
This way you don't have to explain and get exasparated and he is not frustrated and saying all the wrong things?
Off the top of my head, red: everything gone wrong that could today, feeling very stressed and fragile will discuss the situation later in the day when calmer. Would rather remain quiet and focus on that at the moment, thankyou and I love you.
Amber: moderatly upset/stressed, not in the best of humours and am thankful of your support today.
Green: hi there feeling quite positive today, thankyou for being there.

The screeching and swearing in earshot of the kids is not good, I used to enjoy texting insults when really annoyed haha.

Could you put a treadmill or punchbag in the basement for when you are mega stressed, to get rid of some nervous energy and or agression?

44 days is amazing when you are finding it hard to balance your emotions, rant and rave in safety as much as you can away from the kids to relieve the pressure.
Take care

ClearLight

Almost forgot-

You said you felt like you had a demon in you sometimes -

CHECK THIS OUT

I think it may be one of the best songs Keith Richards ever wrote.

Listen to the words.

Keith Richards - Demon - YouTube

Gforce23

Coldfusion! You always bring the funny right when it's needed!

Yeah, I can't even say for sure that this is peri-menopause, I am turning 43 in June, and it seems a bit young. My mom didn't go through menopause until her late 50's... but you never know, I am just trying to look at all the possibilities.

If my husband could learn not to learn to push my buttons, it would be something of.... a miracle. Yeah, WOW. I just keep telling myself if I want to stay in the marriage, that I'm just going to have to stop taking it personally. However, easier said than done. He's not a bad guy--he's been really supportive of my quitting drinking. He just lacks some kind of empathy gene, not in sociopathic kind of way, but enough so that he has difficulty having compassion to whatever I might be going through--for instance, he'll only have compassion for my feelings if he "agrees" with the reason for having my feelings. And, the button pushing? Man, it's a toughy for someone with thin skin like myself. I don't know why he does it, but in another post, I wrote that he has told me that his old friends in the city used to call him "inflammatory man." He falls back on sarcasm frequently. He also uses "jokes" as a not so subtle way of saying how he actually feels.

Hey there Clearlight, yeah-- I've had a really busy week. I've been going along just fine when this just sort of hit out of the blue. Besides, my negative posts get more responses than my positive ones around here... ha ha ha. What's there to talk about when things are goin' good??? Just trying to lighten the (my) mood...
And yeah, anger issues abound in my family. My mother was a yeller and screamer, and her brothers are too. I've tried really hard not to fly off the handle all the time like they do... I wish I knew where it comes from.

Anyway, I'll have more time later to respond to folks....

Cheers!