Help, I'm sober 44 days, experiencing overwhelming anger out of nowhere!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Gforce - are you looking to just vent or seeking solutions for your relationship? With all due respect, perhaps some sort of marriage counselling or help for your husband might also help? You state that he's always been an angry, unhappy person - has he ever seen anyone to find out if there's an underlying reason? I wish you the best in your sobriety, but it seems there are many other issues that you might find better solutions to in a relationship counselling forum.
And, hmm, if this situation with my husband doesn't have anything to do with my SOBRIETY, than I don't know what the F*CK does. I have talked about anger, and my situation with my husband on this thread, and people have responded. So, since they have responded in the way that they have, and I'm in the middle of this f**cked up situation, I thought I'd share it with some nice people I've met online who seem to give a crap. IF YOU don't, please avoid my thread, because I'm already having a f**Ked up enough day with out some one coming around here with a complete lack of empathy.
Well now I really am angry on my thread about anger and sobriety.
Have a great friggin' day Scott.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Gforce23
Geez Scott, I'm not sure. Both maybe. I don't know if you've caught any of my other posts about how broke we are, but we can't even pay our bills, let alone pay 90$ a week for marriage counseling. And, in answer to your question, I have BEGGED and PLEADED many MANY times for him to get help, and even though he IS a Canadian citizen, and can get psychiatric and medical help FOR FREE, he won't do it, or at least, hasn't. I don't know if you caught the part where I can't work legally in this country.
And, hmm, if this situation with my husband doesn't have anything to do with my SOBRIETY, than I don't know what the F*CK does. I have talked about anger, and my situation with my husband on this thread, and people have responded. So, since they have responded in the way that they have, and I'm in the middle of this f**cked up situation, I thought I'd share it with some nice people I've met online who seem to give a crap. IF YOU don't, please avoid my thread, because I'm already having a f**Ked up enough day with out some one coming around here with a complete lack of empathy.
And, hmm, if this situation with my husband doesn't have anything to do with my SOBRIETY, than I don't know what the F*CK does. I have talked about anger, and my situation with my husband on this thread, and people have responded. So, since they have responded in the way that they have, and I'm in the middle of this f**cked up situation, I thought I'd share it with some nice people I've met online who seem to give a crap. IF YOU don't, please avoid my thread, because I'm already having a f**Ked up enough day with out some one coming around here with a complete lack of empathy.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
gforce,
yeah, that's a bit of a predicament, being dependent because of the legalities.
you cannot change him, can only do what's best for you and your kid, and staying sober goes a long way in that. it is the only solid basis for whatever else you might need/decide to do.
your best bet would be a consultation with an immigration lawyer, so that you have clarity on your options, and on what you can do without your hubby's un-filled and un-filed forms.
and just a caution: venting feels good, i know
, but it's not safe to give so much personal info out on a public forum, esp. if there are illegalities involved.
just something to consider.
yeah, that's a bit of a predicament, being dependent because of the legalities.
you cannot change him, can only do what's best for you and your kid, and staying sober goes a long way in that. it is the only solid basis for whatever else you might need/decide to do.
your best bet would be a consultation with an immigration lawyer, so that you have clarity on your options, and on what you can do without your hubby's un-filled and un-filed forms.
and just a caution: venting feels good, i know
, but it's not safe to give so much personal info out on a public forum, esp. if there are illegalities involved.just something to consider.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
Scott,
I apologize. I wrote that while I was in a state, and I just wanted some support and understanding from people I already have a repiore with. I am not having a great day. I don't know what's going to happen here, and I am in a really bad situation. Every time I think about the fact that I could get evicted from Canada, and that my husband has the power to keep my son in Canada, I really, really get upset. I wrote that post because I have developed a relationship on these forums with people where I've touched on some of these things with my husband, and they are responding. I thought I should tell the whole story.
I'm really not having a good day. I just wanted someone to listen. Just to listen. I don't want to go to another forum where I have no relationship with the other posters.
Dang, I've got to go. Here I go crying again. It's really getting old.
I apologize. I wrote that while I was in a state, and I just wanted some support and understanding from people I already have a repiore with. I am not having a great day. I don't know what's going to happen here, and I am in a really bad situation. Every time I think about the fact that I could get evicted from Canada, and that my husband has the power to keep my son in Canada, I really, really get upset. I wrote that post because I have developed a relationship on these forums with people where I've touched on some of these things with my husband, and they are responding. I thought I should tell the whole story.
I'm really not having a good day. I just wanted someone to listen. Just to listen. I don't want to go to another forum where I have no relationship with the other posters.
Dang, I've got to go. Here I go crying again. It's really getting old.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Gforce23
Scott,
I apologize. I am not having a great day. I don't know what's going to happen here, and I am in a really bad situation. Every time I think about the fact that I could get evicted from Canada, and that my husband has the power to keep my son in Canada, I really, really get upset. I wrote that post because I have developed a relationship on these forums with people where I've touched on some of these things with my husband, and they are responding. I thought I should tell the whole story.
I'm really not having a good day. I just wanted someone to listen. Just to listen. I don't want to go to another forum where I have no relationship with the other posters.
Dang, I've got to go. Here I go crying again. It's really getting old.
I apologize. I am not having a great day. I don't know what's going to happen here, and I am in a really bad situation. Every time I think about the fact that I could get evicted from Canada, and that my husband has the power to keep my son in Canada, I really, really get upset. I wrote that post because I have developed a relationship on these forums with people where I've touched on some of these things with my husband, and they are responding. I thought I should tell the whole story.
I'm really not having a good day. I just wanted someone to listen. Just to listen. I don't want to go to another forum where I have no relationship with the other posters.
Dang, I've got to go. Here I go crying again. It's really getting old.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by fini
gforce,
yeah, that's a bit of a predicament, being dependent because of the legalities.
you cannot change him, can only do what's best for you and your kid, and staying sober goes a long way in that. it is the only solid basis for whatever else you might need/decide to do.
your best bet would be a consultation with an immigration lawyer, so that you have clarity on your options, and on what you can do without your hubby's un-filled and un-filed forms.
and just a caution: venting feels good, i know, but it's not safe to give so much personal info out on a public forum, esp. if there are illegalities involved.
just something to consider.
yeah, that's a bit of a predicament, being dependent because of the legalities.
you cannot change him, can only do what's best for you and your kid, and staying sober goes a long way in that. it is the only solid basis for whatever else you might need/decide to do.
your best bet would be a consultation with an immigration lawyer, so that you have clarity on your options, and on what you can do without your hubby's un-filled and un-filed forms.
and just a caution: venting feels good, i know
, but it's not safe to give so much personal info out on a public forum, esp. if there are illegalities involved.just something to consider.
I thought I might be safe to talk about it here. You have no idea how alone I feel in this, I don't want to talk to anyone in Canada about it for obvious reasons. I feel pretty alone, yep.
I guess I'll have the moderator take out the post.
Dancediva
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NE
Posts: 67
Gforce hang in there. I have no words of wisdom for you because my situation sucks as well. I just want you to know I feel for you girl. It's no fun having someone you love and thought they were supposed to love you treat you like crap all the time. I'm seriously thinking of walking away from my 20 year marriage for the exact same reason. I'm not in the predicament your in though as my kids are older and they would stick with me because their dad treats them the same way. My heart breaks for you because of your situation. I'm praying for you that you and your son find a way to live a happy life without all the stress.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
gforce,
see, you ARE talking to someone in Canada right now.
in fact, i'm just a bystander, but you've almost given enough info that i could track you down if i put my mind and some resources to it, if i had some kind of government reason or just a plain warped mind. of which there are some everywhere.
but you're right, of course, i don't know just how alone you feel, but having been onforums for years, i know how easy it is to think the anonymity is pretty much ironclad.
i don't know this for sure, but am fairly certain that immigration lawyers are very used to calls from frightened, alone and desperate "illegals". it's where they make part of their money, ultimately.
also, there are probably organizations that might have helpful information.
but you likely know all this.
and yes, it's all unlikely re your privacy.
so sorry to hear you're feeling so alone and stuck.
nothing would be made better by drinking; sobriety can only help in the resolving of some of these challenges. stay with it, gforce.
see, you ARE talking to someone in Canada right now.
in fact, i'm just a bystander, but you've almost given enough info that i could track you down if i put my mind and some resources to it, if i had some kind of government reason or just a plain warped mind. of which there are some everywhere.
but you're right, of course, i don't know just how alone you feel, but having been onforums for years, i know how easy it is to think the anonymity is pretty much ironclad.
i don't know this for sure, but am fairly certain that immigration lawyers are very used to calls from frightened, alone and desperate "illegals". it's where they make part of their money, ultimately.
also, there are probably organizations that might have helpful information.
but you likely know all this.
and yes, it's all unlikely re your privacy.
so sorry to hear you're feeling so alone and stuck.
nothing would be made better by drinking; sobriety can only help in the resolving of some of these challenges. stay with it, gforce.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by estone
Gforce hang in there. I have no words of wisdom for you because my situation sucks as well. I just want you to know I feel for you girl. It's no fun having someone you love and thought they were supposed to love you treat you like crap all the time. I'm seriously thinking of walking away from my 20 year marriage for the exact same reason. I'm not in the predicament your in though as my kids are older and they would stick with me because their dad treats them the same way. My heart breaks for you because of your situation. I'm praying for you that you and your son find a way to live a happy life without all the stress.
Sorry Estone, sorry you've been in a situation for 20 years with someone who doesn't give you respect. As women, (generally) we just keep hope alive, don't we. I can't believe just how much hope and good faith I've had in this situation, and for what? What thanks do we get? Yeah, I'll hang in there, and you do to. If you're kids are older, you know, heck--take care of you. I always believed I had to try put my all into a marriage. I have tried to let go of old resentments. Despite the fact that I just vented all that, I'm basically over what happened when he chose to stay working away from home. (I told the story here in S.R, only because I wanted to give people a clear picture of my husbands behavior--not because I'm still pissed about that.) It was eating me and I held on to a MAJOR resentment about it for years. I yelled, I screamed. I gave up my resentments over the past, and our relationship got better for a while. So, my point is, while my feelings about giving my all to the marriage might be noble and even correct, ONE person can not go carrying the burden of the entire relationship forever.
Anyway, take care of YOURSELF after all those years!
I'll try my best to do the same.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
ADHD, you might want to also post on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here on SoberRecovery; there are lots of us there with problems with our partners which are similar to what you're writing about, whether or not your husband is an alcoholic. I think you'd find lots of support and lots of empathy.
You're right, one person cannot carry a relationship, whatever the reason. You'll find lots of us trying to deal with that, and I've seen lots of wisdom there.
About the on-line privacy for you, I'm kind of concerned, too. You've given out real names and real locations. Maybe you could go back into the posts with details like that and edit them out. They don't really need to be there for you to get the support you need.
And you could ask a couple of people to post private messages with you so that you can say absolutely anything.
What would happen if you did go back into the United States with your son? Do you have work skills and/or a place to stay? Then your husband would have to make the effort to take care of the stuff he needs to do in order to get you your Canadian residency. Just a thought, take what you want and leave the rest,
ShootingStar1
You're right, one person cannot carry a relationship, whatever the reason. You'll find lots of us trying to deal with that, and I've seen lots of wisdom there.
About the on-line privacy for you, I'm kind of concerned, too. You've given out real names and real locations. Maybe you could go back into the posts with details like that and edit them out. They don't really need to be there for you to get the support you need.
And you could ask a couple of people to post private messages with you so that you can say absolutely anything.
What would happen if you did go back into the United States with your son? Do you have work skills and/or a place to stay? Then your husband would have to make the effort to take care of the stuff he needs to do in order to get you your Canadian residency. Just a thought, take what you want and leave the rest,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
ADHD, you might want to also post on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here on SoberRecovery; there are lots of us there with problems with our partners which are similar to what you're writing about, whether or not your husband is an alcoholic. I think you'd find lots of support and lots of empathy.
You're right, one person cannot carry a relationship, whatever the reason. You'll find lots of us trying to deal with that, and I've seen lots of wisdom there.
About the on-line privacy for you, I'm kind of concerned, too. You've given out real names and real locations. Maybe you could go back into the posts with details like that and edit them out. They don't really need to be there for you to get the support you need.
And you could ask a couple of people to post private messages with you so that you can say absolutely anything.
What would happen if you did go back into the United States with your son? Do you have work skills and/or a place to stay? Then your husband would have to make the effort to take care of the stuff he needs to do in order to get you your Canadian residency. Just a thought, take what you want and leave the rest,
ShootingStar1
You're right, one person cannot carry a relationship, whatever the reason. You'll find lots of us trying to deal with that, and I've seen lots of wisdom there.
About the on-line privacy for you, I'm kind of concerned, too. You've given out real names and real locations. Maybe you could go back into the posts with details like that and edit them out. They don't really need to be there for you to get the support you need.
And you could ask a couple of people to post private messages with you so that you can say absolutely anything.
What would happen if you did go back into the United States with your son? Do you have work skills and/or a place to stay? Then your husband would have to make the effort to take care of the stuff he needs to do in order to get you your Canadian residency. Just a thought, take what you want and leave the rest,
ShootingStar1
Cheers.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Your post really explains alot. Yes, you are in a difficult position and I see exactly why you have the anger that you do. I know it seems very unmanageable from every angle.
You are looking for hormonal reasons but you've got reasons aplenty for anyone to be feeling like you do.
Check around for Free Legal Aid options. Also, consider checking with churches in your area to see if they can provide any assistance with both the legal aspect and the counseling. Even if you are not a member there are churches that will help.
I don't know if you pray and if not, I'm not here to change your mind. But if you do, I encourage you to get serious about praying for yourself, your husband, your son and your marriage. I'd make it a duty. The most miraculous things have happened in my life due to prayer. I'm not religious sort - I don't go to church and have beliefs that many would not agree with, but I do very much believe there is a force much greater than me looking out for me. I know saying this ticks some people off on the forum, but I also know you are in a major bind and need some help and that's the best that I have to give.
Peace and I'll say some for you myself.
Hanna
You are looking for hormonal reasons but you've got reasons aplenty for anyone to be feeling like you do.
Check around for Free Legal Aid options. Also, consider checking with churches in your area to see if they can provide any assistance with both the legal aspect and the counseling. Even if you are not a member there are churches that will help.
I don't know if you pray and if not, I'm not here to change your mind. But if you do, I encourage you to get serious about praying for yourself, your husband, your son and your marriage. I'd make it a duty. The most miraculous things have happened in my life due to prayer. I'm not religious sort - I don't go to church and have beliefs that many would not agree with, but I do very much believe there is a force much greater than me looking out for me. I know saying this ticks some people off on the forum, but I also know you are in a major bind and need some help and that's the best that I have to give.
Peace and I'll say some for you myself.
Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
I know this isn't really about alcohol, and I don't think I'm going to drink, but this is what I'm dealing with:
After a big blowout with my husband, I'm talking to him and apologizing for how I was handling my anger. I told him, that even though I wasn't yelling or screaming, that the way I was handling it probably wasn't conducive to solving anything.
But then I said, that the way I've handled my anger in the past has been unhealthy and not acceptable, but that the reasons for my anger have been valid. Him not giving me the information I need to complete my residency is a valid reason to be angry. Being mocked for my feelings is a valid reason to be angry. The mocking, by the way, is usually when objects have gotten thrown at his head.
So I said, "You know, I think I'm in a no-win situation. You are not following through with something EXTREMELY important that affects me a great deal--but if I express any anger or irritation over it, you treat me with hostility, like I'm doing something to you. If I even try to remind you to do something I need you to do, you have often treated me with contempt."
I went on. "I ask you, what have I ever done to you. Why have you treated me with sarcasm. Why do you resent me so much. I think you resented me even before this paperwork was a real issue. Why? What did I ever do to you." This was asked in a calm voice.
His answer: "NO. Nothing." " What do you mean I asked. "Nothing. Nothing. "Come on, tell me what you mean," I said. "I'm weak. It's my... weakness," he replied. I asked him, "What do you mean? Your depression?" "No." he said. "I didn't really want to be married. I married you because I felt sorry for you. I was to weak to end it when I wanted to. I didn't want you to go back to the States and have you wind up on a couch somewhere."
Yep. Yep. Yep. He dropped that nice bombshell in a calm voice. Not a nasty 'I'm getting back at you' voice, but a calm, matter of fact voice. For the record, I was floating around when we met when I was definitely struggling deeply back home, and my life was not in a great place. But I did not force this f***ing guy to marry me. He told me he wanted to break up with me twice, but then changed his mind. I thought he was just having cold feet. He said, when I asked him about that, he said "I kept changing my mind, because you were so upset, I felt sorry for you."
BTW, We didn't get pregnant until AFTER we were married. When we found out I was pregnant, he says, "Yay, let's have it!" So, it isn't like I got pregnant and forced this man to marry me.
He has been punishing me all these years in subtle and not to subtle ways, because he was to "weak" to say no? WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.
I don't even know what to say or do. I am not drinking, nor do I plan on it. But, what the hell, why would anyone, anyone hurt someone like this. Why. Why. Why. What am I supposed to do if I am not drinking? Sit here with this pain? It's 9:00. There are no meetings to go to, and the only phone in the house is in our small downstairs where he is going to sleep. I don't have a cell phone to call anyone, and I guess I'm just going to have to cry myself to sleep and hope to find a meeting tomorrow.
Um, yeah...I'm going to go to bed now and try to sleep and think of what to do. I'm going to call some people I've been meaning to call in A.A in the morning, and maybe try to go to a noon meeting. I hate unloading this ridiculous drama on to other people I don't even know, but I don't even have friends in the area. Not good ones anyway. I haven't been here for long enough. So I hope all those nice people who keep telling me to call won't mind me calling and babbling and crying on the phone.
Have a good night everyone.
After a big blowout with my husband, I'm talking to him and apologizing for how I was handling my anger. I told him, that even though I wasn't yelling or screaming, that the way I was handling it probably wasn't conducive to solving anything.
But then I said, that the way I've handled my anger in the past has been unhealthy and not acceptable, but that the reasons for my anger have been valid. Him not giving me the information I need to complete my residency is a valid reason to be angry. Being mocked for my feelings is a valid reason to be angry. The mocking, by the way, is usually when objects have gotten thrown at his head.
So I said, "You know, I think I'm in a no-win situation. You are not following through with something EXTREMELY important that affects me a great deal--but if I express any anger or irritation over it, you treat me with hostility, like I'm doing something to you. If I even try to remind you to do something I need you to do, you have often treated me with contempt."
I went on. "I ask you, what have I ever done to you. Why have you treated me with sarcasm. Why do you resent me so much. I think you resented me even before this paperwork was a real issue. Why? What did I ever do to you." This was asked in a calm voice.
His answer: "NO. Nothing." " What do you mean I asked. "Nothing. Nothing. "Come on, tell me what you mean," I said. "I'm weak. It's my... weakness," he replied. I asked him, "What do you mean? Your depression?" "No." he said. "I didn't really want to be married. I married you because I felt sorry for you. I was to weak to end it when I wanted to. I didn't want you to go back to the States and have you wind up on a couch somewhere."
Yep. Yep. Yep. He dropped that nice bombshell in a calm voice. Not a nasty 'I'm getting back at you' voice, but a calm, matter of fact voice. For the record, I was floating around when we met when I was definitely struggling deeply back home, and my life was not in a great place. But I did not force this f***ing guy to marry me. He told me he wanted to break up with me twice, but then changed his mind. I thought he was just having cold feet. He said, when I asked him about that, he said "I kept changing my mind, because you were so upset, I felt sorry for you."
BTW, We didn't get pregnant until AFTER we were married. When we found out I was pregnant, he says, "Yay, let's have it!" So, it isn't like I got pregnant and forced this man to marry me.
He has been punishing me all these years in subtle and not to subtle ways, because he was to "weak" to say no? WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.
I don't even know what to say or do. I am not drinking, nor do I plan on it. But, what the hell, why would anyone, anyone hurt someone like this. Why. Why. Why. What am I supposed to do if I am not drinking? Sit here with this pain? It's 9:00. There are no meetings to go to, and the only phone in the house is in our small downstairs where he is going to sleep. I don't have a cell phone to call anyone, and I guess I'm just going to have to cry myself to sleep and hope to find a meeting tomorrow.
Um, yeah...I'm going to go to bed now and try to sleep and think of what to do. I'm going to call some people I've been meaning to call in A.A in the morning, and maybe try to go to a noon meeting. I hate unloading this ridiculous drama on to other people I don't even know, but I don't even have friends in the area. Not good ones anyway. I haven't been here for long enough. So I hope all those nice people who keep telling me to call won't mind me calling and babbling and crying on the phone.
Have a good night everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Ahhh - what a mess!
First of all - we're pulling for you.
We want to see you do great. Your posts are always so full of life.
Why do people do stupid, horrible things? I wish I knew. It happens though.
I hope you can talk to an immigration lawyer. I know there are legal aid organizations down here in the states. I wouldn't be surprised if there was the same thing up there. You might be able to find a location just by searching around on the internet.
Growth can be painful and it seems to me like you're growing. Easy for me to say - right? Losing your sobriety would be going backwards.
Seems to me you're going to have to sit down and weigh your options.
Either way - you've got folks pulling for you on this forum.
First of all - we're pulling for you.
We want to see you do great. Your posts are always so full of life.
Why do people do stupid, horrible things? I wish I knew. It happens though.
I hope you can talk to an immigration lawyer. I know there are legal aid organizations down here in the states. I wouldn't be surprised if there was the same thing up there. You might be able to find a location just by searching around on the internet.
Growth can be painful and it seems to me like you're growing. Easy for me to say - right? Losing your sobriety would be going backwards.
Seems to me you're going to have to sit down and weigh your options.
Either way - you've got folks pulling for you on this forum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
You know, it's funny.
I spent last night feeling really angry and upset, but then I thought: 'That was the most pathetic cop-out I have ever heard. Like, if there were an award for Cop-Out's, he would definitely be receiving it in the mail--see there's no gala ceremony for the Cop-Out awards. Either the organizers had a hang nail that kept them from getting the event going, or they just felt so guilty and pathetic for not being able to organize the event.
Right now, I don't feel hurt so much as I just feel incredulous. The guy can't take responsibility for the choices he makes in life. I'm not feeling hurt this morning, because it has 0 to do with me. ESE NO ES MI PROBLEMA.
Him saying that he married me because he "felt sorry for me," is just laughable. It's pathetic really.
He tried to say he's had issues all along with my "A.D.D" because it often seems like "I'm not there. Sometimes you're cold to me." Granted, I am sure this is true. I'm sure I'm not very present all the time. However, the guy was so insulting to me after we were married--he was sullen, spiteful, and no fun to be around. So, gee, I wonder why I occasionally turn cold toward him. He uses sarcasm toward me and then expects what, for me to throw my naked body toward him?
I might have A.D.D, but at least I don't have A.D, which stands for A***hole Disorder.
I am going to be taking care of myself and my kid, and doing whatever I can to fix this mess myself. I am going to try and keep things calm and stable for OUR son. That one is going to be a toughy while he's in the house, but I'm going to try and ignore him outside of necessary and polite interactions for a while.
BTW. I didn't drink, and I still don't feel like it, so considering the circumstances, that has got to be progress.
Cheers.
I spent last night feeling really angry and upset, but then I thought: 'That was the most pathetic cop-out I have ever heard. Like, if there were an award for Cop-Out's, he would definitely be receiving it in the mail--see there's no gala ceremony for the Cop-Out awards. Either the organizers had a hang nail that kept them from getting the event going, or they just felt so guilty and pathetic for not being able to organize the event.
Right now, I don't feel hurt so much as I just feel incredulous. The guy can't take responsibility for the choices he makes in life. I'm not feeling hurt this morning, because it has 0 to do with me. ESE NO ES MI PROBLEMA.
Him saying that he married me because he "felt sorry for me," is just laughable. It's pathetic really.
He tried to say he's had issues all along with my "A.D.D" because it often seems like "I'm not there. Sometimes you're cold to me." Granted, I am sure this is true. I'm sure I'm not very present all the time. However, the guy was so insulting to me after we were married--he was sullen, spiteful, and no fun to be around. So, gee, I wonder why I occasionally turn cold toward him. He uses sarcasm toward me and then expects what, for me to throw my naked body toward him?
I might have A.D.D, but at least I don't have A.D, which stands for A***hole Disorder.
I am going to be taking care of myself and my kid, and doing whatever I can to fix this mess myself. I am going to try and keep things calm and stable for OUR son. That one is going to be a toughy while he's in the house, but I'm going to try and ignore him outside of necessary and polite interactions for a while.
BTW. I didn't drink, and I still don't feel like it, so considering the circumstances, that has got to be progress.
Cheers.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I'm so glad you woke up with some clarity and you see that this is indeed not about you. You got that right. Besides being a straight up excuse for his own behavior, it's a dumb one to boot. I prefer a little more creativity when someone is clearly trying to pin their own personal bullsh*t onto me. At least it gives me a little more respect for them.
You are on the right track. Focus on what's best for you and your son.
And this...this is what it's all about. Facing life with a clear head. Being present. Being authentic. Making hard choices. Standing tall when it would be easier to just crumble. May just be me...but this looks a lot like fearlessness to me.
Originally Posted by GForce23
Him saying that he married me because he "felt sorry for me," is just laughable. It's pathetic really.
You are on the right track. Focus on what's best for you and your son.
BTW. I didn't drink, and I still don't feel like it, so considering the circumstances, that has got to be progress.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
The longer you are sober, the clearer things become. The worst thing you can do for you and your child is to hide from reality.
My first wife died of cancer; we were together for about 20 years. She had a story about building walls--how two people can build a wall between them brick by brick, but you can still see over the wall--until one day the wall is just too high and you are out-of-touch with the other person. We had a pretty good relationship, but the a**hole in me liked that I could hide behind that wall. We never dealt with my sexual issues or addictions.
The things your husband says and does are bricks in the wall. He puts those bricks there so he can hide from issues he doesn't want to face. Saying he married you because he felt sorry for you is a brick, not the issue that needs to be resolved.
I feel sorry for you, G, but I really identify with your husband. He needs to know that he is not alone and that there are functional ways of dealing with relationship challenges.
My first wife died of cancer; we were together for about 20 years. She had a story about building walls--how two people can build a wall between them brick by brick, but you can still see over the wall--until one day the wall is just too high and you are out-of-touch with the other person. We had a pretty good relationship, but the a**hole in me liked that I could hide behind that wall. We never dealt with my sexual issues or addictions.
The things your husband says and does are bricks in the wall. He puts those bricks there so he can hide from issues he doesn't want to face. Saying he married you because he felt sorry for you is a brick, not the issue that needs to be resolved.
I feel sorry for you, G, but I really identify with your husband. He needs to know that he is not alone and that there are functional ways of dealing with relationship challenges.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
Coldfusion,
I know that my husband suffers from depression. When he's in a funk, he's surly, hang dog, and no fun to be with. He won't pick up phone from his friends, etc. I've tried and tried and tried to get him to get help. He just wont do it. He doesn't think he's depressed--he thinks he's just "weak."
I can only lead the horse to water, so to speak. And, I swear the guy would cut off his nose to spite his face: if I ask him to do something--i.e, go to the doctor; 'aint no way it will happen. When I asked him why he won't do it, he turned the conversation back on to me and asked me, "do you really think it's affecting our son? Like, directly? Because I don't." So, he's only concerned about how he's affecting our son, but not me. He doesn't seem to get that if it affects me, it affects our son. Wow. So, can somebody tell me how long you put up with someone's mental problem that they refuse to deal with?
I have compassion for depression, I mean hell, I've been depressed, but this is a chronic problem/cycle with him. He is not taking care of business--with himself, or his family. So, how long, people, how long.
Cheers.
I know that my husband suffers from depression. When he's in a funk, he's surly, hang dog, and no fun to be with. He won't pick up phone from his friends, etc. I've tried and tried and tried to get him to get help. He just wont do it. He doesn't think he's depressed--he thinks he's just "weak."
I can only lead the horse to water, so to speak. And, I swear the guy would cut off his nose to spite his face: if I ask him to do something--i.e, go to the doctor; 'aint no way it will happen. When I asked him why he won't do it, he turned the conversation back on to me and asked me, "do you really think it's affecting our son? Like, directly? Because I don't." So, he's only concerned about how he's affecting our son, but not me. He doesn't seem to get that if it affects me, it affects our son. Wow. So, can somebody tell me how long you put up with someone's mental problem that they refuse to deal with?
I have compassion for depression, I mean hell, I've been depressed, but this is a chronic problem/cycle with him. He is not taking care of business--with himself, or his family. So, how long, people, how long.
Cheers.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
G, I've given this advice to others here and I don't think anyone has done it...
Have your husband read this thread.
And don't worry about anonymity--if someone has a beef with you, this drunken forum will offer no usable evidence. I got all paranoid about stuff I posted yesterday too--I was thinking that AA is going to shut down our "Mindfulness" meeting because I posted on this forum that we took down the 12 Steps poster... We need to chill with the paranoia, and focus on the lessons to learn.
Have your husband read this thread.
And don't worry about anonymity--if someone has a beef with you, this drunken forum will offer no usable evidence. I got all paranoid about stuff I posted yesterday too--I was thinking that AA is going to shut down our "Mindfulness" meeting because I posted on this forum that we took down the 12 Steps poster... We need to chill with the paranoia, and focus on the lessons to learn.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 443
Really,
You think I should have him read this thread? Whoa dude. I would do that...I also found a forum on depression where a woman is talking about her husband, and it sounds so much like our dynamic/his depression, and I guy responded by saying he totally related to her husband, and that when he was depressed, he was jerk, and actually took pleasure in emotionally harming people around him. So I'm going to have him read that too.
The thing with all of this, is this: The more I try to show him this stuff or get him to see it in any way, the guiltier he feels. The guiltier he feels, the less likely it is he will actually do anything other than shift the blame. This cycle has been going on since we met.
I'll give it a whirl, but I'm not sure what it will achieve.
I'm willing to take your advice though, since you can relate to him.
Cheers Coldfusion, I'll do it.
You think I should have him read this thread? Whoa dude. I would do that...I also found a forum on depression where a woman is talking about her husband, and it sounds so much like our dynamic/his depression, and I guy responded by saying he totally related to her husband, and that when he was depressed, he was jerk, and actually took pleasure in emotionally harming people around him. So I'm going to have him read that too.
The thing with all of this, is this: The more I try to show him this stuff or get him to see it in any way, the guiltier he feels. The guiltier he feels, the less likely it is he will actually do anything other than shift the blame. This cycle has been going on since we met.
I'll give it a whirl, but I'm not sure what it will achieve.
I'm willing to take your advice though, since you can relate to him.
Cheers Coldfusion, I'll do it.
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