Missing my mother.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: North Vernon
Posts: 2
Missing my mother.
I am a child of a deceased alcoholic mother. It has been 2 years since her death, however it feels like yesterday. I am struggling with guilt, anger, and overall I am overwhelmed. I am not sure what I am looking for... maybe understanding of the addiction or people who have had the same experiences.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Welcome struggling, so sorry to hear of the pain you are in and your loss. My alcoholic father committed suicide when I was 18. I'm not sure I ever properly dealt with it - hence me being here with a drinking problem (that and many other things!) so I probably can't be of much help to you in that sense.
There is a lovely forum here for friends and family of alcoholics Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
if you'd like to have a look. Or of course keep posting here. I'm sure you will learn a lot about the nature of the addict. I am a parent to two children myself so have plenty of my own regrets. I hope you can find some peace.
There is a lovely forum here for friends and family of alcoholics Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
if you'd like to have a look. Or of course keep posting here. I'm sure you will learn a lot about the nature of the addict. I am a parent to two children myself so have plenty of my own regrets. I hope you can find some peace.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Sometimes normal grieving can turn into a depression. Sometimes the depression was always present and the Loss just compounded it. If it has been two years since your mom's passing and you are feeling depressed I would consider getting professional advice. Sending prayers for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
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Dear struggling23,
so sorry that you are struggling. In any circumstances it is so very difficult to come to terms with the death of a parent.
I am in your shoes and I know how painful it is.
One of the best things you can do is to talk about it, and I think there are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through.
There is no magical cure unfortunately - are you getting any therapy/help?
so sorry that you are struggling. In any circumstances it is so very difficult to come to terms with the death of a parent.
I am in your shoes and I know how painful it is.
One of the best things you can do is to talk about it, and I think there are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through.
There is no magical cure unfortunately - are you getting any therapy/help?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by awuh1 
Sometimes normal grieving can turn into a depression. Sometimes the depression was always present and the Loss just compounded it. If it has been two years since your mom's passing and you are feeling depressed I would consider getting professional advice. Sending prayers for you.
I also think that if a parent dies due to alcohol or something related (sorry struggling, I'm assuming here that she did) then that comes with it's own set of questions that unfortunately can never be answered by the one you most want to answer them.
It's been 18 years since my fathers death. He wasn't a nice man, I should have perhaps been 'over' it in a couple of years, but the unanswered questions still haunt me occasionally. I should have gotten professional help in my late teens early 20's, but I don't think the reality hit me until a lot later.
Struggling may not be depressed and may just be looking for answers that give her some peace of mind. We may not be able to give them and some counselling will no doubt help, but 2 years and still grieving her mother is perfectly understandable.
Have a good vent struggling, let us know what we can help you with, there are lots here that understand and we will if we can
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: St. Paul
Posts: 2
re: 2 1/2 years, the same
I feel your pain. My mother was everything to me. Didn't have a loving father or a sibling who was an active part of my life. Got a call one day at college, my whole family was in town; they were afraid I was going to kill myself after they told me...they were probably right in that decision. My had a drinking problem that had developed over the year prior to her passing. I tried very hard to make deals with her, to keep her happy, and for the most part it was working. She still came to see me, smiled naturally, we had wonderful times. The heart attack was completely out of nowhere. Once I found out, I gave up on life.
(The understanding the addiction part)----> I no longer cared about anything. I wanted to die. I still managed to put on the appearance of a funny and lively person, but I would go home, drink a liter of whiskey by myself, cut my arms, make myself throw up (I was bulimic for 10 years up until 2 years ago-0 relapses since), and wake up and try to forget. For me, alcohol allowed me to stop my thinking in its tracks before it hurt me...it ended up making me crazy.
I painted my whole room with murals and dark scenes, only had one possession, and when I ran out of money again I would sprint by people's tables and grab their drinks from them at restaurants (this is only funny to an alcoholic who has been sober for a while). I was addicted to avoiding the pain and tragedy that grief brings. Alcohol just happened to be an available and legal medium. In reality, I hogged all of the grief to myself, and forced the rest of my family to suffer in more ways than one. I blamed them all.
My mom helped me work through Tourette's Syndrome, OCD, BiPolar I disorder, and ADHD (go figure) until the point at which I could take the reigns and give back to the world. I miss her so much that it still hurts and burns and writhes with agony, but I know that she'd be proud of me right now. I coach special Olympics now, I DJ weddings, make music, paint (not weird morbid crap) and I'm closer with my remaining family members than I have ever been. I've been sober for as long as I was suicidal at this point (1 1/2 years) and it will always feel like I lost her just yesterday, but also 100000 years ago. I just go through my day and remember that I have to breathe for two now.
(The understanding the addiction part)----> I no longer cared about anything. I wanted to die. I still managed to put on the appearance of a funny and lively person, but I would go home, drink a liter of whiskey by myself, cut my arms, make myself throw up (I was bulimic for 10 years up until 2 years ago-0 relapses since), and wake up and try to forget. For me, alcohol allowed me to stop my thinking in its tracks before it hurt me...it ended up making me crazy.
I painted my whole room with murals and dark scenes, only had one possession, and when I ran out of money again I would sprint by people's tables and grab their drinks from them at restaurants (this is only funny to an alcoholic who has been sober for a while). I was addicted to avoiding the pain and tragedy that grief brings. Alcohol just happened to be an available and legal medium. In reality, I hogged all of the grief to myself, and forced the rest of my family to suffer in more ways than one. I blamed them all.
My mom helped me work through Tourette's Syndrome, OCD, BiPolar I disorder, and ADHD (go figure) until the point at which I could take the reigns and give back to the world. I miss her so much that it still hurts and burns and writhes with agony, but I know that she'd be proud of me right now. I coach special Olympics now, I DJ weddings, make music, paint (not weird morbid crap) and I'm closer with my remaining family members than I have ever been. I've been sober for as long as I was suicidal at this point (1 1/2 years) and it will always feel like I lost her just yesterday, but also 100000 years ago. I just go through my day and remember that I have to breathe for two now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: North Vernon
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your care and your time to respond to me. I really appreciate it. It helps me not to feel so lonely. I am one of 6 children, the oldest girl, and I do have siblings to talk to but it seems like they don't remember the things that I do. I remember alot of bad but take special care as to not focus on them, however its hard when it seems like that is all I have. I want to check out some sort of program that helps the families of alcoholics but I have not been able to find any locally. I guess I just want help in dealing with all of this and have not found the help and support I need in my friends and family. Thank you all again for taking time to reply to me
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
welcome Struggling
did you ever have any counselling over your mothers death? sometimes having an expert outside observer and listener can help.
We also have a grief forum here that I think you may like to read, if not post in
Grief and Loss - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here - good to have you here
you too MitchelPete
did you ever have any counselling over your mothers death? sometimes having an expert outside observer and listener can help.
We also have a grief forum here that I think you may like to read, if not post in
Grief and Loss - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here - good to have you here
you too MitchelPete
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
I'm sorry about your Mom. Please take everyone's advice and see someone that can help you sort all those feelings out so they aren't overwhelming and you can be at peace. She's finally at peace and you should be as well. With help you will be.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
When my mother dies, I will be lost in the wilderness, literally and figuratively. All my blessings to you.
Her number is coming up (heart attack), but it's not due to poor lifestyle. Most people don't live that long.
My aunt died of alcoholism. She would call me up drunk and rambling. I harbor no animosity towards her, but drunk dialing is kind of tiresome. Drunk texting even more so, but I don't have the faculties to receive such messages, nor do I wish to.
Her number is coming up (heart attack), but it's not due to poor lifestyle. Most people don't live that long.
My aunt died of alcoholism. She would call me up drunk and rambling. I harbor no animosity towards her, but drunk dialing is kind of tiresome. Drunk texting even more so, but I don't have the faculties to receive such messages, nor do I wish to.
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