Paddler

I first registered on this site in December... just after Christmas. For two months now I've really entered a pattern of going 10 - 14 days without a drink, then deciding to buy that 6 pack on Friday... which always results in a 2 - 4 day binge. I've both succeeded and failed miserably.

I was cleaning up my bedroom today... fighting the urge to drink that hair of the dog...

Some books I found were

The Big Book
12 Steps of Recovery
the Vitamin Cure for Alcoholism
etc...

I started thinking and reflecting. Everything in my life is night and day better without alcohol. That's why I decided to change. That's why all those books are in the floor next to my bed. It sure does feel good to have 4 or 5 beers but it never, ever stops at that... and the feeling post-binge is the absolute worst. It has never gotten better. I have never been able to go back to "normal drinking"... I have never been a normal drinker... I will never be a normal drinker.

All of those books, all of my posts on this site, all of my thoughts are a direct result of what alcohol does to me. What it does physically, emotionally, etc... I have tried to regulate, practiced, had occasional success... but I can not do it.

Therefore it is time to move on and let go, for good. I have always had in the back of my mind "perhaps one day... maybe just at the beach... perhaps just when good friends are visiting... or maybe when camping..." I have been so reluctant to say fair well for good.

That will never work for me. I've read countless stories of folks on SR who have given up alcohol for good and they are incredibly happy. So, I know it can be done. I've always become scared at the two week mark. Scared to let go for good. Scared to see those spring beers and wonder if I'll ever be able to have one... Completely consumed by the uncontrollable desire to want to drink again... to drink socially and normally. That compulsion is evidence to me... it won't happen.

And it is time to let go... To get off the fence. So, I'm back. I can't do it alone. I had asked a friend in AA to be my first sponsor two weeks ago. He agreed... for two weeks my own will power worked. Hopefully for the rest of my life my will power plus the help of my new friend/sponsor, old timers, and people who have walked the path I'm embarking... will get me past 14 days and towards the rest of my life.Today is a new day. A sober day... I pray through meetings, fellowship with new friends, self discovery, and eventually getting into the steps will create a life for me I never new possible... and I hope with that new life comes a vanishing desire and infatuation to open that bottle. Thanks for listening.

Coldfusion

Thanks for the good news, Paddler!

Please keep sharing the success of your recovery!

2granddaughters

I think you are on the right track now Paddler. AA has worked for me for decades now and life keeps getting better.

All the best.

Bob R

Paddler

thanks Bob. I've always enjoyed and been inspired by your posts and encouragement. What a blessing it would be to live spring and summer sober.

doggonecarl

I count myself in that number.

There is something incredibly freeing in saying "Enough is enough, I'm never drinking again."

Add Sober Recovery to your support and post daily. It helps me.

Like2Hike

I've been there, Paddler. It was liberating to just admit that I can't moderate and stop drinking completely. Wish nothing but success for you because many rivers are waiting. A kayaker on the French Broad said it best: "runnin' down a dream, runnin' down a stream".

Hevyn

Proud of you, Paddler - for coming to this realization. I was also stubborn about letting go. It had once been fun - but that was very long ago. In the end, I was destroying my life with it - and it wasn't ever enjoyable or an escape - just dangerous & unpredictable.

Like you, I had to be ready to admit it could never be managed or controlled. There was no joy in the bottom of that bottle. I think you are there! Happy to hear it, Paddler - we know you can do this.

Paddler

I do like Section 9.

I have been so hesitant to let go. I've wanted to be able to drink in moderation for so long... it just won't/can't happen. I've sure tried.

I feel so thankful I haven't hit a low some have talked so painfully about. I'm hoping to hit a high I haven't appreciated in my adult life... Thank you so much for all the posts stating you had been there. I've found comfort in reading how so many people failed so many times and eventually succeeded. That's a huge motivation.

Hevyn

I my case, 30 yrs. of insisting willpower could be used to fight the beast. This will not be you, P.

changer

beautiful post, paddler.
congrats on your decision
hil

CaiHong

Paddler,

I can't count how many times I tried to moderate with the same result. When I finally decided to quit I made it my number one priority and over 21 months down the track my life has changed, I have changed and I would never have believed how much happier I am without alcohol in my life.

Alcohol was my reward for getting through the day, what madness.

Keep posting SR is one of my daily support as well as the 12 step program.

All the best
Love
caiHong

firstweek

Thanks for sharing your honest and real life post Paddler. Best of luck