PreciousKitty

I can't believe i did it again. I am just totally disgusted with myself, and scared.

Pamel

PK, logic tells us that you just back on the sober bus. I know how hard that is, because with each relapse we learn how fragile sobriety is, and our faith in ourselves diminishes.

BUT, if we examine what lead up to the drink, and prepare ourselves for the next time those feelings/situations happen we have a "plan". This can strengthen you.

doggonecarl

Have you sought out any recovery programs? Face to face support? Being a lone ranger doesn't make for easy sobriety.

Anna

It can be a learning experience if you figure out why you decided to drink.

I'm so glad you're back.

1stepup

Hi PK, try not to be too hard on yourself, its good that you're back here, keep posting.

ScottFromWI

But yet you are here - which tells me you want sobriety and accountability. What can we do to help you make a plan to not do it again?

Received

Hey Precious.

It was clear you were struggling when you mentioned feeling "blah" in an earlier thread. Within your thread I posted how the feeling of "blah" was a win compared to feeling guilty, remorseful, fear etc.

How did I know that? The answer is simple. Experience. 5 years worth of horrible, gut wrenching experience after 13 years "sober" time.

When I started drinking again, my mind went straight to chaotic and stayed in that state until I stopped drinking (the night I joined here). So, for me, the chaotic mind was replaced with peace followed by "blah" followed by "opportunity".

I'm so glad you came back and posted. Please don't do what I did. I gave up 5 precious years to alcohol. Not. worth. it.

brazzaville

Dear PK

I know how you feel - I did the same thing last week. I'm picking myself up...I want 2013 to be a healthy and memorable year, not another year of regrets, hangovers and anxiety.

I am at a loss to understand why I fell off the wagon after 9 weeks...but I did and I regret it. I didn't even have a blast whilst I was drinking. I drank a lot, too quickly, and crashed out.

I feel terrible because I am so powerless over my drinking once I start...but also reassured by the fact I had a long time of not drinking and enjoyed all the things I normally do - but without alcohol.

I've learnt that I no longer feel my life is empty without drinking. In fact it's much fuller. What I need to focus on is reinforcing that knowledge on a daily basis so that drinking is no longer a part of my life nor exercising any power over me.

Don't be too hard on yourself - coming and posting here is a really positive step and shows your commitment to recovery is still strong!

Brazzaville

Carlotta

Hi PreciousKitty

Please don't be disgusted with yourself. You drank/used, well that's was yesterday, today you have a chance to be clean/sober. Look into what happened and what brought you to it so next time you can avert it.
I am glad you came back here. Hang in there KittyKat and don't quit till the miracle happens.

Odelle

Hi Kitty, I couldn't think of anything inspiring to send to you so I am borrowing a post from another site that I visit that I think will resonate with you:

"If we're running a marathon and we fall over, we don't go back to the beginning - we dust off and keep on running.

That's what I have done during my struggles with alcoholism. If you fall, pick yourself up and keep on running. This isn't an excuse to slip or relapse, but rather adopting an attitude of 'I'm never going to give up trying to be sober'.

Learn from your slips and keep moving forward."

This pretty much sums up what I wanted to relay to you!

ClearLight

PK-

Hey - here's a little song from Paul Simon to consider. And a bit of the lyrics.

Paul Simon - Learn How to Fall - YouTube

PreciousKitty

Now that I have a dry eye and I can see my keyboard -

I am so thankfully touched to read all your responses.

I think one the reasons I drank is because I feel that i am not doing a good job at the things I want to be doing well at. And some other stuff.... I am getting better at recognizing there is a reason (feeling) that comes before I drink.

Not sure what my point is, but you have all made a world of difference in my life today.

This is the closest emotion I can find for how you have made me feel today. God bless you.

Odelle

Hi Kitty, you need to focus on yourself right now. It is okay to be selfish and to put yourself first. Don't worry about everyone else in your house right now. Once you have acquired a substantial period of sobriety, everything else will fall into place. Not only that, but you will be stronger physically, emotionally and intellectually and will be in a better position to provide service and direction to others. As a mom, I know how foreign it feels to put yourself first, however, it is a must, just do it!

FamilyMan2153

Well Kitty, hang in there. Learn from your mistake and keep working your recovery plan. Most have failed but those who succeed learn from their failures. Take some time to think and come up with a new plan.

NewLifeForMeeee

I've just sobered up and i'm really disappointed and ashamed myself. I've let myself down. This time i was in a much darker place, 'almost' had some heroin. Luckily he wasn't in. Where i'd be right now i don't know. Never thought my drinking would take me to actually buying heroin. Feel disgusted in myself. I'm in pain, emotionally, but heroin. All this because of that first drink..

Critica76

There are two days in every week
about which we should not worry,
Two days which should be kept free of fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY,
With its mistakes and cares,
Its faults and blunders,
Its aches and pains.
YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY.
We cannot undo a single act we performed;
We cannot erase a single word we said.
YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW
With its possible adversities, its burdens, its larger promise.
TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW, the sun will rise,
Either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
But it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW
For it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - TODAY.
Any man can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities
- YESTERDAY and TOMORROW -
That we break down.

It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad.
It is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY
And the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but ONE day at a time.

Author Unknown

Hevyn

Hi PK. Maybe now you'll be even more determined - something valuable has been learned. We're never going to give up on you. Let's try this again.

MeetJohnDoe

Think of it as walking on ice. You slipped. Now get up, and get support to keep you from slipping again. If you pull yourself along on your behind -- now that would be a relapse.

firstweek

Don't be too hard on yourselves. We're only human. Take guts to get back on the horse again.

gratefulkp

Hello, God, it's me again. I found myself saying that quite a bit. And He never got annoyed with me. And then It happened. A spiritual enlightening. And I haven't been quite the same since. Praise be to God.
Have you talked with your HP, Precious? I mean, just talked? He is a great listener, just remember to listen back. Good luck and God bless.