Donnaw

I have done 5 months sober and had a relapse this weekend just for one day, back on my AA program and wanting to change how i feel, today feeling better and more positive the only problem is i am unable to feel love for anything apart from my young daughter, i feel need to rebuild my relationship with my husband which looking back we never had, to have a happy family for my daughter.
Will i feel again, just feeling dead inside, cant imagine any closeness sober ever again, the only times i did was with drink, it is not natural my head is telling me.
I also feel it would be better if i left him but want to keep my daughter and due to being alcholic will not have a chance which he has told me. I am not a fit mother.
We met in drink married in drink and lived that way until 5 months ago.
I am working on steps 1-3 today and need to start step 4 which does scare me.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.

oh2exhale

Hi Donna-
Hugs. I hear the pain coming thru your post. It is for emotional relief that many of us begin to drink. For me it was to numb. When I got sober I wasnt sure if I would be able to handle the flood of emotions that I would no longer be numbing. Save for tomorrow what can be done tomorrow. Today is for you. Be gentle and protective of your fragile self right now. Slow it all down. Are you sober today? Good. Do you have your daughter today? Good. Everything else can wait. When you are ready, do the next right thing...then, again, when you are ready do the next right thing. Sometimes it is OK to choose to do nothing for the moment. Just breathe. Keep it simple.((hugs))

Dee74

I have no personal advice Donna - I was sober when I met my partner.

I do think you need to work out what you think is the best approach tho - either staying to build a family for your daughter, or what you think might be the 'better' choice of leaving.

think about yourself and whats good for you as much as what you feel is best for your daughter.

If you decide to stay maybe some marriage counselling could help?

Please don't rely on hearsay for custody matters either - if leaving is your preferred option, get advice from a lawyer...that way you'll know the real lay of the land legally.

The UK has many avenues for legal aid and free legal advice.

D

Azraehl

I think you should be very careful about making any major decisions like this right now. Your thoughts and emotions are all over the place. You want to make decisions like this when your head is clear. Worst case scenario I would take Dee's advice to heart and either go to couples therapy with your hubby or go see a marriage counselor on your own.
Hang in there either way and try to keep your main focus on your recovery, everything else will fall into place.

All the best,
-Az

liss74

Such good advise

SisterChristian

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your feelings about your husband. Although I still love my husband, since I've been sober, I have lost any attraction I had to him. Drugs used to help me relax to get "in the mood", and now I don't have that to rely on, I am never "in the mood". Frustrating for both of us. Like you, I felt closer to my husband when I was using.

I too have a young child, that deserves to have a sober mom. Getting/staying sober is the best thing we can do for our children. Feeling like you might lose your child in a custody battle, must be a terrifying thought.

For me, after being on drugs for so long, and then quitting, its like starting all over again. Trying to figure out who you are, what you think, how to act w/out the influence of drug or drink. It's a big shock!

Hang in there. Know that you are not alone. You're doing good, staying sober for 5 months, is something to be proud of.


Marriage counseling, as suggested above, sounds like good advice (for both of us!).

I'm a newby here, so take mt 2 cents for what it's worth. Just trying to offer some support.

Elisabeth888

They have the saying of not doing anything drastic for the first year.

I have heard a LOT of people say they wanted to divorce their spouse after getting sober. Most of them did not do it and they are so glad they waited. You really change a lot when you get sober. You are clear headed and able to ponder things you would not have dreamed of while drunk. I say hang in there, you may change your mind later and it will be too late.

As for working the steps, the best thing is to dive into step 4 (when you get back to that step- sucks you got to start over) You just have to do it- it is not as bad as people say. It gives you a road map of your life and now you have the opportunity to make things right and start over and live differently.

2granddaughters

When I went into the Recovery Home in 1989 I told the priest there 3 things that I never told anyone else before that... 3 things that were driving me crazy.
1) I don't know who I am
2) I don't know how to love
3) I'm crazy.

They took me in and put me with 200 others on program who thought just like me. I thought I was so special and bad......


After 90 days in rehab I went right into AA and that's where I heard the 9th Step PROMISES. (page 83-84 of THE BIG BOOK)

"The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

I hope this answers your question.

If you are working the Steps then I can assume you have a sponsor. What does your sponsor and the oldtimers in your group say about how you feel?
They will guide you through this period in your recovery.

All the best.

Bob R

Nonsensical

Let me throw this out there, for what it's worth.

Love is both a noun and a verb. In your quote above you used it as a noun - something you want to feel. In the subject line of this thread you used it as a verb - something you find yourself unable to do.

I submit these are NOT the same thing.

How does one love (verb) their spouse if they don't feel love (noun) toward their spouse? The burning question. My answer is simple - the same way you do it if you ARE feeling love toward your spouse. Why would it be different? You hold up your end of the bargain.

We've been married 21 years. Some days I don't feel love toward Mrs N. What do I do on those days? I try to make sure my undies make it into the hamper. I put the toilet seat lid down. I fix broken stuff in our house. I make dinner. If she says her neck is stiff, I rub it. The same stuff I do when I wake up all full of puppy love. The stuff she has asked me to do. The stuff that shows her respect and demonstrates effort at getting to the place we want to be. Love is an action verb. It requires doing stuff, even when it doesn't make your heart go pitter-pat.

I'm no marriage counselor. Perhaps your marriage is busted beyond repair. I just thought I'd throw out another perspective.

Congratulations on 5 months of sobriety. Best of Luck!

Anna

I surely relate to the feelings you are going through. I based my relationships on who I thought I should be, what the other person wanted me to be. When I stopped drinking and looked at myself honestly, I was quite surprised to find that I was not that person. My marriage has changed for sure, I think that's inevitable. But, the changes have been positive.

Would you consider couples counselling? It could be helpful.

Donnaw

Dear all, it is now October and has been 8 months nearly since my last drink, feeling very confident and at peace for the first time ever, happy with everything around me but not wanting a relationship still the only love i feel is for my daughter. I am very involved in my AA meetings even chairing and try to share when possible. Do not want to drink and bring back the horrors of the drinking days, so life is good and can only get better.

cheebiechi

I don't understand the last post from you Donna