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Blacked out

Old 02-24-2013, 09:20 PM
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Angry Blacked out

Please help me!

First off, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years now. We've had our ups n downs but we love eachother very much. We spend everyday together and sleep beside eachother every night. He is my sun, my stars my everything.

Last night, I accompanied my girlfriend to one of her co-workers house-warming party. There was about two other girls there and three men. After multiple drinks, we decided to take a few shots. I unconsciously drank quickly as I was so nervous not knowing anyone else there. The end of the night became quite the blur. My friend woke me up in the morning so we could cab home. She told me just how drunk I got. I was spilling drinks, falling everywhere and a huge mess. Apparently I had made out with one of the men and she said that she seen us giving oral sex to eachother in one of the bedrooms. I DO NOT recall any of that ! Not even a second of it. I know my friend wouldn't just make that up. As I showered today, I noticed a lot of bruises and small scrapes on my chest, back and arms. I feel horrible and sick to my stomach. The pang of guilt has hung over me all day. I feel angry with myself, angry with my friend for not putting a stop to it, and angry with that man for taking advantage of me in such a vulnerable state. I would never ever knowingly cheat on my boyfriend like that and he has been 100% faithful to me since day one. My state of blackout has me quite boggled. I don't recall a thing past 1100 last night, and according to my friend we were up until 3 in the mroning. Is it possible to have all this happen without me sobering up and realizing what's happening?

My boyfriend is very loyal and really against cheating in any form. His parents had affairs and it has caused a lot of damage to the family and how he views cheating. I do not know how I can confront him about this.. Should I tell him what happened? I don't even know any details of the event or what exactly happened. IF IT EVEN HAPPENED AT ALL!! I know my boyfriend would NEVER forgive me, trust me again or be with me. I don't want to lose the best thing in my life, and I honestly would never even THINK about cheating on him. I cannot believe my stupid decisions led to such a horrific mistake!

Please, any advice would be wonderful. Thank you
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:29 PM
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Hi ChasingHim - welcome

I'm sorry that happened.

You may want to get your self checked out - if you've no idea what happened I think thats best.

As for what you tell your partner - I think that has to be an individual choice.

Keep in mind tho if your friend saw you others may have as well.
I think he'd rather hear it from you than someone else.

you never have to deal with stuff like this again tho - you'll find a ton of support here about not drinking anymore
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:57 PM
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Thank you dee74 for your input. I greatly appreciate it.

I will go to the doctor in the morning. I am wondering if you have any advice on how I should break the news to him as I only know what was told to me, and no other details. I really cannot bare to lose him and so I'm having a hard time approaching him with this bad news. Any tips?
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:01 PM
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You know your boyfriend better than us ChasingHim - as a nearly 50 yo guy I'm not sure I'm terribly qualified to give advice here

I'd prefer honesty myself, I think.

I'm sure other members will be along with suggestions and input

D
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:07 PM
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Checking out would be very smart, but some things take some time to develop.

As for speaking out, that's entirely up to you. Not to, may be easier.

The problems associated with alcohol are many.

Good luck. It might be an idea to consider total abstinence.....

Alcohol free 6 weeks
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by ChasingHim View Post
Thank you dee74 for your input. I greatly appreciate it.

I will go to the doctor in the morning. I am wondering if you have any advice on how I should break the news to him as I only know what was told to me, and no other details. I really cannot bare to lose him and so I'm having a hard time approaching him with this bad news. Any tips?

Me, I'd lead with "I've decided to get support in ditching alcohol [if that's your choice] and any other destructive patterns, because I really scared myself recently and put my safety at risk. I want to stop this now. Here is what happened..."

It would make a different impact than dropping the infidelity bomb and then immolating yourself with apologies as he heads for the door, mentioning that you'll get help.

Your boyfriend may leave, or seperate from you indefinitely while you go to meetings and learn about addictive patterns and coalcoholism, and it's not up to you.

I would not call, text, email, or try to relay messages to him through another person when he gains distance from you, as he probably will do. IMO, it's best to focus on yourself while getting help and let your boyfriend make contact with you, later, if he wants (and if and when you want).
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:11 PM
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You should probably tell him. If others know he'll find out eventually.

If I were him, I would want to know what you plan to do so that this never happens again. If you plan to quit drinking, then you will want to tell him that. If this was a one-time slip up and you don't think you need to quit, then come up with another way of making sure this doesn't happen...

Above all, the number one worst thing that drunk people do when apologizing is say "it wasn't really me" or "it wasn't really my fault" (I've been on both sides of this coin ). That sucks to hear because you feel like, all right, so this was just an act of the universe that could happen again at any time and I'm not allowed to blame you? You have to own up, take responsibility for the poor decisions that put you in that state, and tell him how you're going to prove to him that it will never happen again.

(On a side note... if you don't quit drinking, maybe don't party with that friend anymore? She certainly didn't do much in the way of looking out for you. Friends do NOT let their blacked out friends have any sort of sexual interactions. I literally tackled a friend to the ground once in college because she was blacked out drunk and belligerent and trying to make a really, really bad decision. We both got bruised but she was thankful the next day. Not that it's your friend's fault, but any time you're doing substances, you should be with people you trust to look out for you if things go bad and who you would do the same for).
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:16 PM
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I think before you say anything, get your facts 100% (or as close to as you possibly can) straight. Talk to your friend and find out exactly what she saw. She may also be able to provide you with some support.

As far as telling your bf goes, my only advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. Unfortunately I dont see any way of sugar coating it but it does seem like you are genuinely remorseful. Honesty is always the best policy, and im sure you don't want this secret hanging over your head for the rest of your lives as a couple. Hopefully it is something that you guys can worth through together.

All the best

RQ
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:25 AM
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I think you need to establish the facts more....

Can you talk to the man involved?
I understand this is probably the last thing you want to do.
How drunk as you friend, is he/she a reliable witness?

I agree with the other posters - that friend needs steering clear of, especially in drinking situations.
Friends don't do that.

And as I am sure you will now know, alcohol is no confidence builder.
It took me years to realise this and some of the things that happened I am still haunted by.
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:46 AM
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My first thought was could you have possibly have been slipped a drug of some kind? Sounds very scary indeed I agree with getting all the facts before you tell your boyfriend anything. Obviously if you have NO recollection of what happened then you need to gather as many facts as you can and definitely get yourself checked out, you may even need the morning after pill (not sure what it's called outside of the UK, but it can prevent pregnancy if taken up to 72 hours after unprotected sex) There may have been more happened than any of you know about.

How awful for you. At the moment though concentrate on getting the facts and getting yourself looked at. Take care.
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:55 AM
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Drinking can get us in to all sorts of trouble. Black out drinking is a sign that we need help amd need to stop drinking before something even worse happens. Perhaps this was your "wake up call". I am sorry to hear what happened but honestly I am not suprised. I have known many people who had horrible things happen to them because they were in a blackout and were taken advantage of. In my opinion, drinking to blackout and putting our lives in danger is a serious warning sign that we need To stop drinking and get help. If your BF cares for you I would think he would support this decision.
Just my 2 cents.
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:37 AM
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It sounds like you were raped. If you were not in a condition to give the okay, he had no right to do that to you or with you. Something similar happened to my daughter. She was completely obliterated and a man did this to her. The only way she knew was because her friend found her after the fact. She went to the hospital and got tested, but she doesnt remember anything at all.
You did not cheat, you were taken advantage of. I hope your boyfriend will see the truth in that.
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Old 02-25-2013, 08:57 AM
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I'm with Skella. Having sex with someone you just met that night and you were completely blacked out, not likely completely consensual. You were taken advantage of. Period.
The trouble is, your BF may not be as understanding about this as someone who has been through it themselves. I do think timing is important and I wouldn't wait too long to tell him. He is going to be wondering about his safety regarding STD's. I can imagine you are having a very hard time trying to hide your anxiety and stress. If he knows you like he should he has probably already sensed something is wrong.
Can I make a suggestion? Please don't put yourself in that situation again. Many people who have been victimized once will be so again. Don't let that happen to you. Don't put yourself in that position again, and DROP THAT "FRIEND". She did you absolutely zero favors. She should feel like an a- hole.
Please take this as a very very very serious warning sign. Stay with us on SR. Be well
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Old 02-25-2013, 10:54 AM
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Hi ChasingHim,

So you are an alcoholic with a boyfriend of five years. Is your boyfriend also an alcoholic?

Does he know you are?
Do you both go out with friends and party separately?

Frankly, CH, I am amazed that this is the first time something like this has happened to you in 5 years of being with your boyfriend. If he is an alcoholic, he has probably had sex with somebody in five years also.

Problem is Alcohol allows us to let go of all inhibitions--Sex is the one thing that overwhelmingly looks like a good idea when your in mixed company and partying. A guy you would never be interested in your sober life, get's lucky because your out of your mind. Great places for losers to hang out are bars-"-Luck be a Drunk Lady Tonight", ya know.

Chances are you did not put up a big fight, maybe even initiated it. Your girlfriend was probably as drunk as you, so I am not sure she would have been in any condition herself to be telling you what you should or should not be doing, let alone Save you from anything. She is not your caretaker.

Look women and alcohol are a Wreck waiting to happen and a rape ready to happen! It isn't pretty, but that is what we expose ourselves to every time we get smashed.
I agree with the other posters.
Make sure you have your facts straight, hell your friend could be imagining things in her own blackout. Evaluate your five year relationship with your boyfriend--if he is also an alcoholic--I am not so sure he doesn't already know what might happen when you are out without him and drunk.

I just find it hard to believe that this is the first time something like this has happened in the 5 years you have been together. I have been where you are, and know I was NO Saint--in or out of a relationship, and nothing I might have done would of shocked me. I was a "drunk" and especially in a women, that ain't pretty and NOTHING I did would have shocked me--all common sense goes out the window, and you just want what you want when you want it, stamping your foot and pouting until you get it!

Relationships and alcoholism are not such a good combo!

Sincerely hope you know what is best to do in your own heart, if this is true.

Either way it is TIME to get sober!
Stay here and we will try and help you.
TrixMixer
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:26 AM
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I would be very careful before telling your bf if it was me. Firstly,you genuinely don't know what happened, your friend was also very drunk. I would also be cautious about thinking it was rape. Being blacked out doesn't mean you were unconscious, unwilling and unable to give consent. It means you don't remember. You may have been willing or even initiated it. Or you may not. you just don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to try to persuade yourself or him that you didn't give consent in the hope he understands. I'm female and have been in just the same situations when younger so do understand. However, your bf may wonder why you were in a house with men,drinking etc and given his views on fidelity,do you think he will forgive you? Maybe use this situation as a wake up call to stop drinking .It need never happen again and you can move forward. Yes, you've made a mistake, we all have. I don't think you need to ruin your relationship and the rest of your life over it. The shame and memories will fade. Drinking will only get worse -please get help
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:33 AM
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I don't think it is helpful or fair to judge CH or her relationship, those are some pretty judgemental HARSH verbalizations...you were not there, nor do you know their history.

ASSUMING you know what is going on in their relationship is not what she asked opinions on.....

"Frankly, CH, I am amazed that this is the first time something like this has happened to you in 5 years of being with your boyfriend. If he is an alcoholic, he has probably had sex with somebody in five years also.

Problem is Alcohol allows us to let go of all inhibitions--Sex is the one thing that overwhelmingly looks like a good idea when your in mixed company and partying. A guy you would never be interested in your sober life, get's lucky because your out of your mind. Great places for losers to hang out are bars-"-Luck be a Drunk Lady Tonight", ya know.

Chances are you did not put up a big fight, maybe even initiated it. Your girlfriend was probably as drunk as you, so I am not sure she would have been in any condition herself to be telling you what you should or should not be doing, let alone Save you from anything. She is not your caretaker.

Look women and alcohol are a Wreck waiting to happen and a rape ready to happen! It isn't pretty, but that is what we expose ourselves to every time we get smashed".
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:45 AM
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First and foremost, I would like to thank each and every one of you for your input. I appreciate it greatly in this time of need.

I would also like to add that I am proudly kicking the bottle. It's going to be a huge struggle filled with a whirl wind of emotions, but I am definitely going to give it my all for the first time ever. I am so grateful for this wonderful site filled with so much support and encouragement. This should help me massively on my journey to sobriety.

This morning I went to the doctor for blood work and 'the morning after' pill so now I wait for results.. Which is quite bone shattering.

As for my boyfriend, I told him what had happened. He is not understanding at all, and won't give me the opportunity to explain or prove myself. I am deeply ashamed of myself, and I feel dirty, shocked and disgusted. I cannot believe that I have caused this amount of pain to myself and to my boyfriend. I want to change for not only him, but for myself. That is why I am choosing to quit drinking, regardless of where my relationship will go. I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. I would never intentionally hurt him like this, never mind break his heart. I need him back in my life, but chances are slim to none at this point in time. Any advice to get him back would be much appreciated.


Regardless of the outcome, I am proudly starting my journey to sobriety and healing.

Heartbroken and ashamed,
CH
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:53 AM
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There are things I did while I was drunk that came with some pretty awful consequences. I can never forget them.

What is really sad is that I continued to drink after them.

Deciding to stop drinking now is the wisest move you can make.
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:54 AM
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ChasingHim, You have done a very courageous thing. You DO NOT know what happened, only that something happened and you are taking the only steps you can: being honest and getting help.

Give your boyfriend time to process this and concentrate on your decision to quit drinking.

...and forgive yourself...
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Old 02-25-2013, 12:11 PM
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Thank you again for this much needed support.

I haven't stopped crying or beating myself up since the event happened. I am very heartbroken over this situation. I need to be strong and hold my head up high. I am changing to better myself and it is a lot easier to do so knowing there is so many people working together down the road of sobriety. I would take it all back in an instant if I could.
I truly hope my boyfriend can appreciate my honesty and help me down this road. At this point it isn't looking good however.
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