jazzfish

You should write about this incident and these feelings and keep them always fresh in your mind. This incident could be the bedrock of a life of sobriety.

I think you did the right thing by being honest and telling him.

Amelia99

I wish I would have made the decision you're making when this first happened to me. You are strong and you are smart to recognize what you need to do so quickly. Hugs to you and we're here for anything you need. <3

whiskeyman

how about a rehab appt. this will show him you are abit serious about your mistake and setting a path for recovery

Fandy

the thing that bothers me with your circumstances is that you ONLY have the WORD of what your *friend* says she saw....undoubtedly you were drunk and you felt bruised this morning...but you DON'T KNOW for a FACT whether you actually HAD sex with this person.

supposed your *friend* is fabricating the story??? then you have confessed to something that is simply untrue and made for hurtful declarations riddled with guilt for no reason.

supposed you fell down drunk and scraped yourself? banged into the wall? banged into the kitchen counter? (all things i have done while drunk btw)....

If she is such a "good friend" why did she just watch you have sex? my first thought is that someone slipped you a date rape drug....(but i watch too many old episodes of Law and Order).

Received

Putting aside the date rape drug theory, your thoughts are exactly my thoughts, Fandy.

ChasingHim: I thought a lot about this thread since you first posted and I can't wrap my mind around your friend not intervening. I am glad to know you did go to the doctor given what you were told.

Fandy

I'm probably a whole lot older than you CH, but this story your *friend* told you doesn't smell right...

what if she never had told you? what would have happened aside from your nasty hangover? what was her PURPOSE in telling you?

I would steer clear of this *friend* for a few days and you may see things from a more clear perspective....and maybe the real truth will be revealed.

TrixMixer

Wait a minute , Fandy!

My post in no way was a judgement call on CH and her relationship. This paragraph above is a statement I was making about relationships in general when one or the other or both are alcoholics--------IF__IF her boyfriend was an alcoholic.

She asked weather she should believe her friend and tell her boyfriend, before I jump in to answer I asked those questions, because they make a difference, at least in my opinion.
.
When you reference a post PLEASE do not edit it out of context--this statement was made within the context of the 3 question presented to her above. I never assumed anything-- I asked her some very important questions before making that statement.

Would you honestly say that portion of my post was NOT a Possibility if you are an alcoholic?

Sex is a very easy thing to get into when your inhibitions are out the window, and alcohol, alcoholics have all been there The possibility most assuredly exists, I was only asking her to look at the big picture of her 5 year relationship. I did not TELL her he was cheating on her and she should break up with him, or even tell him. Please read the entire post.

I slanted my post away from telling him because of the many possibilities that we were not privy to in her post and their relationship, and that of her friend.

IF CH has a problem with my post. allow her to be the one to tell me. Your post is presumptuous and speaks for another. Please do not take it upon yourself to correct me. I am the first one to admit when I have overstepped my bounds--I do not believe this was one of those times.


Respectfully,
TrixMixer

ChasingHim

I think you all are right and bring up very valuable points.

My boyfriend is suffering a lot from what I've told him. I love him very dearly and would never intentionally do that to anyone. With that being said, I can't help but to think that I've caused myself more damage than to him. I've trashed my good image, made a bad rep for myself and put myself in harms way mentally and physically. At this point all I can do is take the necessary steps to ensure that this never happens again. I am going to quit drinking and turn for help. This site has already proven to be very therapeutic in initiating sobriety.

As for my friend, I do not hold her accountable for what has happened. I do wish she would have thrown me in a cab and send me home, but I cannot blame her for my actions. I should know better than to put myself in that situation. I've witnessed my fair share of the devastation and harm that alcohol can cause. Unfortunately the decision to quit came a tad too late. But all in all, I'm glad I've chosen recovery before I hurt myself or my loved ones any further.

Is it wrong for me to expect forgiveness and need the required support from my boyfriend? Even though I unknowingly cheated on him, should his unwillingness to help be a red flag? Or are the wounds still too fresh for forgiveness?

ChasingHim

Trixmixer;
You do bring up some valid and truthful points. My boyfriend is not an alcoholic, but he has had his fair deal of drug addiction issues. Which can also be very damaging to this relationship. He is aware of the amounts I drink and he is usually with me when I did engage in drinking. There has only been a handful of times where I'd go out with friends alone and drink. And I've never had anything like this occur during those outings. Me and my boyfriend have fought before while drinking, but this is the first instance where the outcome has been this shattering. I truly feel that he has never cheated on me with another woman, with his values and morals around the topic being so high. We know how to enjoy eachother's company without alcohol being involved.

Thank you for your input and your welcoming ! May the wounds heal from here on out.

CrossFox

I jumped in with advice on the assumption that the "sex with some dude" story was true.

Your freind may not be responsible for your getting blackout drunk, but based on a list of things that you have told us, the other posters are correct, she isn't your friend.

Would a friend continue to sit by as her pal got blackout drunk? Would a friend sit by as this "taken" pal went into closed quarters with someone who is not her boyfriend? Would a friend then sneak a peak at whatever alleged activity transpired -- only to report it to partygoers (if it indeed happened - and if it did happen, the only way that others would know is through gossip, yes)? And another posters is right - just what WAS the point in telling you this... that you and your boyfriend were bound to find out anyhow because your "friend" had already told every Tom, Dick and Harry?

Your BF's unwillingness to help is understandable. He probably needs to cool down. Focus on getting that required support from other channels, then you will not feel needy and push him away with demands. He may contact you in time and want to know more, or he may not. If you try to explain or write him letters, it gives him an excuse to rebel - human nature. He may come sniffing around in a while, but if you ask me he is relieved of his "required boyfriend duties" like lending support, indefinitely.

No matter what happened at that party (maybe you wandered into a bedroom and flopped on a bed to sleep it off and people thougt you were having sex - happened to me once) I think it's fortunate that you are quite young, because you can look forward to a life of sobriety, self esteem and healthy relationships and a functioning career if you get help.

Let people gossip. Let your boyfriend get angry and be away from you. Hold your head high.

TrixMixer

Thank you CH,

I believe you are a much bigger and stronger person than I. I am not sure I would have had the courage to tell my boyfriend--but that is why YOU are the only one that can make that choice, because you own it.

Sincerely, I appreciate the fact that you have taken my post in the context it was meant to be. I was really just saying I have made bigger mistakes than you and can understand how painful this has been for you.

You should be very proud that you are a "no excuse" kind of lady, and your boyfriend (should) be very proud that you have been so honest even at the expense of your love for him.

We are here for you for the long term. I believe in you and know this is your time to get sober. You will do it--you are too strong not to.

Sincere best wishes for an easy recovery (if there is such a thing, LOL)
TrixMixer

jazzfish

There is a whole lot of speculation here that is distracting from the main point. No one here knows what the intentions of that friend were, or whether she had sex or not, or whether it as consensual or not. I have been perfectly sociable and acted fairly normal in a blackout, and this is quite common among people, but it happens over a wide range.

The main point is that drinking led to a serious, painful problem. My turning point to improving my life came when I finally made the connection between my drinking and my problems.

Dee74

Reading through this thread, I think we could do with less speculation too.

Sometimes the blackest nights can be a prelude to a brilliant dawn - if we want it to be.

Make it happen ChasingHim

D

CrossFox

Well, yes.

TrixMixer

Edited by TrixMixer:

Did CH's girlfriend tell other people or just CH?

ChasingHim

Wow. You have really opened my eyes, CrossFox. I guess do need to examine my friendships a little closer. You're 100% right, a good friend should NEVER act that way.. I still do not feel that she had made that up ( i just have a sick to my stomach feeling), however the actions she portrayed are not qualities I want in a friend. I think my biggest insecurity is acceptance. I was bullied in my childhood, and never had many friends. I tend to cling to the ones I do have due to that fact, even if they aren't the greatest. But as I grow in life, I am learning that good, decent and caring people do exist (like all of you), and I am beginning to floss out the good from the bad. I think this road to recovery will help me in realizing who's there to support me no matter what, and who's a true friend.

Trixmixer, I am actually very surprised at myself for being so truthful. Even though I now am suffering even more from what the truth has brought. I really hope he can re-examine the whole situation and find it in his heart to forgive me, as well as support me in recovery. He knows that i would never intentionally harm him like this. Hell, if I wanted to cheat I would have at least liked to remember it! I just hope he will see that I want to change and that I am taking the necessary steps to ensure NOTHING like that ever happens again.

ChasingHim

Alcohol has provided me with a lot of bad choices and bad friendships. Only now, after the fact, do I realize how much it has actually impacted my life. I am DONE with booze, DONE. Even if nothing of the sexual sort did happen, I still drank to the point of memory loss and complete incoherence. I was far from home, in a BRANDNEW house with people I didn't know, let alone trust. I don't want to picture myself in the many horrendous outcomes that excessive alcohol consumption can create. With no recollection of anything, I think I should take this as a wake up call, before someone gets seriously hurt. And I think with a sober life, I will begin to appreciate all of the good people in my life, and all of the wonderful, small joys life has to offer.

vegibean

That's beautiful Dee!!

CH, I don't know that I would have told him. I know there's the whole STD, and all else, but I lean towards Fandy's share too.

If you were doing it regularly, and cheating on him all the time, THEN it may have been time to come clean, but again, JMO.

I hope that if it's meant to be, you two can find each other again. Either way, I just wish you the best, I can imagine how hard and devastating all of this has been for you. *HUG*

quitforme79

I commend you for being proactive and going to the Dr. And for your honesty with your boyfriend. Secrets can make us continue down the path of alcohol abuse. I have put myself in similar situations to yours while I was drinking. I am so glad I am sober today. Alcohol made me do things I would never dream of when sober. Maybe your boyfriend will come around in time. The fact that you were honest with him makes chance for reconciliation better (in my humble opinion). Good luck and keep us posted!

ChasingHim

I do wish I hadn't told him about the situation. But since telling him has made everything worse, it serves as a greater wake up call than before. This pain and suffering will be my motivation. It will help me to remember why I am choosing to quit. And if my boyfriend can see how serious I am on ensuring this wont happen again, then maybe he can learn to forgive me, and trust me again.