Salacia

Okay, so an incident that happened a week ago is still bugging me...

What had happened was:
A friend from out of town came to visit me for a couple of days. Now, this man friend of mine knows that I had an alcohol problem (mainly because I blew up at him one drunk night) and knows that I am living la vida sober.
So, we're out one night and he told me that I don't have a problem because I was able to quit. As in, people with real problems aren't able to quit.
Huh? Wtf? I had no idea what to say to that. I kind of wanted to say "okay, let me prove it to you", but then what? (Btw, I didn't prove it.) I ended up not saying anything because I had no clue what to say to that.

I know that he knows that people go into recovery all of the time and that people do quit their addictions. And, he knows that I've been putting effort into my new lifestyle choice. What was he thinking? I should probably stop trying to analyze this because it just makes me frustrated. Letting it go...

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with these types of situations, or people, in the future?

Thanks!

PS I'm coming up on 60 days. Whoo-hoo!

freshstart57

I put a very interested look on my face, and I smile, and then nod. You don't need to say a single thing. If the baloney gets repeated, I repeat the routine.

And congratulations on your sobriety success there, Salacia, that is great!

Dee74

People say all kinds of stuff

You know where you where, and you know where you are know - and you know the effort it took to get there Salacia

D

wpainterw

What he didn't say is that, if you relapsed (and many relapse) you'd "have a real problem". Beware of the fellow who thinks he's an "expert". There's only one "expert" and it lives inside the bottle. It just happens to be in liquid form.

W.

Salacia

Thanks guys.

Y'all are right. My sobriety is my deal. The way others view my new lifestyle shouldn't concern me. What's that quote again... "What other people think about me is none of my business"...

Freshstart - I tried practicing my "interested" face in the mirror. It comes out looking slightly scary. Lol.

Dee - That's right. I won't let his minimizing diminish the value of my effort.

W. - I have put forth great efforts without success before and he knew that.

Ptcapote

Hi Salacia, I have had to deal with something similar from two people in my life this week. Mainly they've said, "See! You can quit for a couple of weeks, you're fine!"

When I heard that the last time, I too was tempted to say, "Yeah? Wanna see how fine I am?" but that is just stupid for all around. The two people I am talking about are drinkers but I have gotten a somewhat similar reaction from someone who is not.

I basically just nod and smile and refuse to engage further. I have also said, "I am doing it to try to feel a bit healthier" in cases where I don't want to go into the fact that I am a full blown alcoholic with that person and invite unwanted discussion. I am early in my sobriety (Day 11) so I probably don't have a lot of good advice but I have found that if you tell someone you're doing it for health reasons, it is harder for them to retort. With others who know, I just say something along the lines of "Look, I believe I had a problem so I am stopping for me right now, I hope you understand."

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Just wanted you to know I have had the same with friends/family this past week and it's frustrating. But NOT frustrating enough to make me cave

ntmu

you did good then. i/we would like to know how you handled the situation because you did well.

also, don't be too upset with your friend for it. obv he just doesn't understand.

but yeah, i plan to say for health reasons & not get into a debate about it if people ask.

you did really great though. just imagine if you gave in, oh wow. i am grateful for however you handled this situation and you can be too.

deeker

Congrats on 60 days!! I set boundaries! if people are not good for my recovery and or jeopardize it. Adios! Only I can protect myself. I have choices today!

ntmu

well adios to an extent. i don't know if it's universal, but finding people we deeply love & connect with well is much harder to find than not. there is a plague in our society that says adios to the people when bad things happen. yes adios to everyone always, i get that. but never throw someone away for ever that you were fortunate enough to deeply connect with. i realize this may make some people's heads spin, but it's because a lot of what is common is very stupid.
anyone who has ever been a friend to me will always be a friend. i never say adios to anyone. i know when i need time to myself.
there has been people who in their common idiocy have said adios to me, but i never say adios to anyone. ever.
yes, i know i'm unique in this, but many are stupid in that.

hypochondriac

No response is the best response. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. I spent too much energy in the early days trying to do that. I have to concur with Deeker on this too though. I had a couple of friends who were not supportive at all, despite having some knowledge of the extent of my problem. Mostly people are confused but the odd person seems to think it's appropriate to try and goad you into drinking. I have managed to change my relationship with some people but others I have had to avoid for my own sanity. It is amazing how much of a difference just surrounding yourself with positive people can make. It doesn't have to be permanent but it probably is good to show people that what they say won't influence your actions. Well done on 60 days, that's awesome x

ricmcc

I think that you handled it just great, and contrats on the progress of your recovery. The only thing that I might suggest is perhaps reconsidering just how much of a friend this person that you call a friend really is; my real friends are delighted that I am in recovery, and never try to sabotage it, perhaps your 'friend' is a wee bit jealous? I do know that some people that I used to be close to are toxic to my recovery, so are no longer part of my life, which is a bit hard, but nonetheless neccesary for me, at least. Congats again, and all the best to you---rick

Salacia

Hi All!

Thanks for the support.

Fortunately(?), my man friend and I didn't romantically connect as well as we had both hoped. It was a major disappointment, but maybe it was for the best since we both have our own issues (and I'm working on mine). Thankfully, there were other issues than alcohol that prevented us from connecting in that manner. However, I am so grateful that we had our chance to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship. So, he will remain my long-distance friend.

Last year when I first started to get serious about walking the sober path, I did have to distance myself from a really close (but toxic) friend. That was truly sad, but necessary for the time being.

For the most part, my friends and family have been incredibly supportive and loving throughout this whole process. It is just the odd duck that wants to press the issue. As for the minimizing response, I am starting to think that it's my issue. As in, those people don't know/understand the effort it takes to embark upon this journey because they probably don't have the same problem. (Or they might, and may be in denial.) Who knows?

You guys are awesome. Big hugs to all.


PS Ptcapote, good advice can come from those early in their recovery and from those with massive amounts of experience. Same goes for bad advice.

flutter

I just sort of smile and nod at people.. unless someone is an addict, they can't understand it, my own insanity was expecting them to. Once I let that go, it's way less stressful