RocketQueen

What do you do when your family and friends can't let go of who you were in your past life? How do you deal with all the comments, judgements and expectations that get thrown in your face on a daily basis regardless of the fact that you're working your a$$ off to show them otherwise?

Those family members who you hurt with your antics. Those friends who don't understand the concept of recovery and abstinence. Others who think they are doing the right thing by avoiding you altogether.

Being in recovery has (I believe) has caused me to lose my family, my home and the respect of everyone around me. How do I turn this all around? How do I get them to see that I'm no longer that robot who has the ability to deflect emotional bombardment with a substance shield?

I know you're all going to say "it takes time", but time is something I don't have. I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun - or perhaps I'm the loaded gun... I dont even know any more.

RQ

Dee74

Hi RQ

I think most of us want change NOW.

We want all the effort and tears and pain of change to be recognised and appreciated. We want to be seen as New Us.

It rarely works like that - especially with family.
Heck, my family still asks if I want a drink, 6 years later.

But things do change - my relationship with them is a lot more settled and respectful now - they have sensed a change in me and they have responded to that.

It took longer than a few weeks I'm afraid tho.

Drunk me was around for 20 years - you just don't rehabilitate your reputation overnight.

I'm not sure why you don't 'have time' but you're going to have to be patient.
We simply can't tell people how to feel about us.

If your family are making things hard for you can you get away from a little?

Just because my family is my family doesn't always been they're good for me to be around.

D

hypochondriac

The only thing you can control is your own reaction RQ. I don't think there's a magic wand in this kind of situation. I know now that months down the line I am less bothered by this kind of stuff than I was before but it is still frustrating sometimes. I have noticed that I am not the only one who has criticism thrown at me in my family though, but my siblings seem to just handle it better, the whole water off a ducks back thing. I haven't mastered that yet. Plus I think getting sober I had this expectation that I would be praised, even though my family weren't aware of my situation. They were just confused mostly. Not having my own expectations met caused me frustrations too. Learning that I can't control other people's emotions or responses is a process. Mostly I'm just learning not to have expectations.

fantail

I don't know about your particular situation, but I know that a lot of us as alcoholics or users cause a lot of harm to the people that we love. It could be on the more minor end... causing them to have to look after us, or not being emotionally available when they need us... or it can be more severe, like saying or doing hurtful things. For their own sanity, they need to draw lines and wait to see when it's safe for them to invest emotional energy in us again. I have a family member who's frequently harmful, not due to alcohol or drugs but due to behavioral issues. I love her, but as hard as it is, sometimes I've had to put some space in the relationship because it was damaging me. I let her back in when she shows me that she's really going to treat me better. If your friends and family are in a similar boat, then unfortunately I don't think it's enough to just say "OK, now I'm ready, let's go back to normal." But they will come around if they see that you mean it and have made real changes.

On the other hand, if they're verbally abusing you, then maybe you need to be the one to put some space in the relationship. Or perhaps pursue family counseling.

FreeFall

I guess if you can't wait for time to make things a little easier for you, the only alternative is to talk to these people honestly as the situations arise. If your friends don't understand recovery explain it to them. If your family isn't supportive tell them point blank how hard you're trying and that their support would really be appreciated. If someone is avoiding you thinking they are helping, call them and reach out, tell them you need company.

I don't understand how you are losing your home and respect by staying sober? Only because I have found the opposite-I've got a better shot at holding on to my home because I'm paying the bills, instead of buying booze, and people seem to respect me more for the effort I'm making.

If people in your life can't give you the support you need, I'm glad you're here on SR to get the support while you're waiting for them to "get it". It took us all a long time to get to this stage, so it's not going to be "cured" overnight, if ever. You'll just have to keep collecting tools to help you cope with the addiction successfully.

Nonsensical

I'm not sure I know what you mean that being in recovery has cost you those things. Did you lose them when you were drunk and you're just now realizing it? What is it about NOT drinking that is driving those things away?

Speaking for myself, I spent 20 years drinking too much and losing my family's trust and respect. I want their trust and respect back, but it seems unrealistic that I would get it after just 27 days of sobriety. My expectation is that I can earn it back, but it will take months, maybe years.

Why don't you have any time, and what loaded gun are you staring down?

RocketQueen

I wasn't going to go into details, but i don't know how to answer those questions otherwise.

When i stopped drinking, I fell into a deep depression (as you can probably tell from some of my posts). I'm doing what I can in terms of getting help (medication, counseling, etc) but even after over a month, I still can't function. I went from being a happy-go-lucky, bubbly, confident person to basically a head on a stick. Anyway, long story short, as of tomorrow I will be homeless, and my daughter is going to have to go and live with her dad (which I was trying to avoid by getting sober in the first place). I keep getting comments similar, but not limited to: "I liked you so much better when you were a useless drunk. Now you're just plain useless."

So I hope that makes it a little clearer why I NEED it to happen now, not just want. I like to think im being proactive about it, but obviously I'm doing something wrong - or there's just no hope for me in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, thats what I meant when I said that I believe sobriety contributed in some way.

LSC1

Hang in there Rocket.

Chat later

Jodie

Dee74

I'm sorry for all you have going on right now - that's rough for anyone.

I had a lot of rough things happen to me in early recovery too - some were a result of my drinking (no savings, no responsible friends) but other things were just bad timing - I had to leave where I was living too because it was being torn down.

I don't think I can blame any of what happened to me on sobriety tho.

Trust me on this RQ cos it really is true - there's nothing so bad a drink can't make it worse.

I wasn't depressed but I was barely functioning for the first month or so of my recovery - I had a very deep 20 year old hole to climb out of.

Depression can take a while to get out of - the meds alone can take a while to kick in and counselling can be a slow process.

I'm sorry you're getting jackass comments but that doesn't mean what you're doing isn't working or isn't the right way for you to go - it just means you're getting jackass comments

D

hypochondriac

This sounds very similar to my own experience RQ. I felt like I functioned better when I was drinking, and it was purely down to the depression I got getting sober. Don't be tricked into thinking it is sobrieties fault though. We wouldn't be in this slump now if it wasn't for the years of drinking. I think a lot of people who don't get it expect that once we've stopped drinking then we should be okay, but truth is we don't bounce back so easy. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, it is perfectly understandable and you're not the only one. I am sorry to hear you are losing your home, have you got somewhere to go? I think sorting the basics out should come before worrying what other people are thinking about you though x

RocketQueen

Im not saying it's sobrieties fault per se, im just pointing out that it has played a significant role. The depression, the jacka$$ comments - there's a strong correlation.

Horselover

Losing your home is awful, but you are sober and right now are having to face things. Facing depression and losing a home is a lot for one to take on, but some have faced that and more. Not to lessen what you are going through by any means, but to tell you it can be done. Some people face court and even worse.

You have to give it time and I don't think 30 days is enough time to turn everything around. It's not enough to get over the depression or for the medication to start working. Medication for depression is definitely not an overnight solution and sometimes it has to be adjusted as well. This part I do know about.

Do you have any family or even a friend that could help you out temporarily until you are on your feet? You say you are into counseling and that's good. So sobriety has really caused you to take action and that is action towards pulling yourself out of depression. Unfortunately, we, alcoholics, expect and crave instantaneous relief and that's just not the way life works. It WILL get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reaching out. If you have faith then now is the time to really dig your heals in. Faith can move mountains.

soberlicious

Are you kidding me right now?! Being talked to like this has nothing to do with whether you are drunk or sober...as you said they are nothing more than jacka$$ comments, intended to hurt. Not productive. It's up to you to teach people how to treat you, bottom line. Put some distance between you and anyone who speaks to you this way.

Maylie

I'm sorry that things seem to hopeless right now. When we are deciding to get sober we always count on things immediately getting better once we get clean, unfortunately, that isn't always the case.

I think most people get depression soon after getting sober. It took me a couple tries to get on the right medicine and at the right dose, maybe try talking to your doctor about the depression you are still feeling (although most medicines take a couple weeks to start working, you should start to feel some relief by a month).

As for losing your home and your daughter going to have to go live with her father, all I can say is that I am sorry that you are in that position. Do you have anyone that you can stay with for awhile so you can make a plan of what you are going to do next? When things start to get difficult I try to remember that things "happen for a reason" and even if I don't understand the reason now, some day in the future I will. Whatever you do, don't give up. Drinking wouldn't change any of this, it would only make you less prepared to handle it.

As for the comments from family memebers, those people don't sound like people you should be surrounding yourself with. I have found that just because certain people are family doesn't mean that they are healthy people to be around. I would lay low and try to keep my distance from these people until I was in a better place. It sounds like they are trying to be hurtful and don't know much about alcoholism at all.

Keep working on your recovery, the depression will start to lift and with persistance things will fall into place. There are resources in your state for housing, insurance, food, counseling, etc. if you need it. Please don't let these tough times trick you into thinking that life would be better if you were drinking.

hugs

RocketQueen

Haha, I know right! This particular one came from my own mother.

soberlicious

Not the first time she's talked to you like that, is it? Time to set some boundaries.

gratefulkp

Let Go and Let God. It happens in His time, however fast/slow that may be. Work on yourself and the rest will follow. Gos bless you.

Everyone said, Id come to no good, I knew I would pearly, believe them.
Half of my life, I spent doin time for some other fuckers crime,
The other half found me stumbling round drunk on burgundy wine.

But Ill get back on my feet again someday,
The good lord willin, if he says I may.
I know that the life Im livins no good,
Ill get a new start, live the life I should.
Ill get up and fly away, Ill get up and fly away, fly away.
-Wharf Rat, The Grateful Dead

CrossFox

Bears repeating

Anna

It's unfortunate, but it does take time and patience to begin to heal some of the wounds we caused while drinking. If some of the people you hurt are being abusive towards you, my suggestion would be to back off, at least temporarily. You don't need to be hearing stuff like that right now, and they obviously are not ready to forgive you yet. Really, just let it go and live your life and work on your recovery.

RocketQueen

Not the first time, and probably not the last. I can't say anything to her about it because thats when she brings up all the **** I put her through during my drunken days. As long as im under her roof, she feels she has the right to treat both me and my daughter however she sees fit. Now that shes kicked us onto the streets im wiping her from my life.