Jen31

Why does someone who wants sobriety so much, screw it up so easily? Even with a plan in place.

Eclipse

Because we are alcoholics and don't think like normal people.

Jen31

Oh, what I would give to be normal

mfsteve1

Amen!

Why does an alcoholic drink? Because he's an alcoholic.

Pondlady

You obviously want sobriety because you've been making serious efforts since last fall. Maybe it's time to tweak your plan if it's not working for you? Is there something you could do differently? Stick with us

Jen31

I could lock myself in a padded room...
I know I need AA, but I'm too afraid to go. I have social anxiety, so I could only imagine what would happen if I was asked to speak. The thought makes my heart race.
I only want to drink at night. I've told myself Ill go to bed early, take sleeping pills; but, by 7pm, I've already drank a bottle of wine.

Pondlady

I liked to drink wine at night too. I stopped drinking last June. I took advantage of the fact I didn't drink during the days, to try and tire myself out - lots of walking, gardening, running errands, cleaning the house....and no naps. When evening came, I pretty much stayed in my room, lit nice candles, bubble bath, tv and magazines....cause I couldn't concentrate enough to read a book. I also had non alcoholic drinks and snacks to nibble on. What do you think might work for you?

Jen31

Honestly, I have no clue. I've decided to devote my time today, trying to figure out the answer to that question.
I have three stepchildren (13, 15 & 17) and a daughter (4). I'm pretty busy during the day and then stressed (bc of my husband and stepchildren) at night. It's hard to take time for myself when I'm running around like a crazy person until I pass out around midnight. Even when drunk, I manage to cook, do laundry, clean, and argue with everyone. I'm actually more productive when I'm drinking, for whatever reason.
I really wish my stepchildren went to see their mom like they are supposed to, but she doesn't want them around. I know I can't blame my drinking on stress, but when they used to go to her house, I didn't drink as much.
Being an alcoholic is exhausting. I spend so much time hating myself, my decisions, my lack of adequate parenting... only to pick up again at night.

Huglets

Trust me, I understand your fear about going to an AA meeting. I was the same way - I shook like a leaf, had the dry heaves, shallow breathing, sweating. I sat in my car and thought of all the reasons I couldn't/shouldn't go in. But my life was on the line.

So I walked in.

The best decision in my life. Inside that room was a group of people who understand everything I was going through and the terror I felt giving up alcohol.

If you want to go to a meeting, I beg you to go. If it's not for you, that's OK. But at least give it a try.

We're all in your corner!! Just keep trying. We love you and you are SO worth it.

hollowx

Just because you want something bad enough doesn't mean that it will happen. You were without alcohol at one point in your life and you were happier. I think you should go to A.A. Honestly, everyone there is there for the same thing. It's all about support, positive thinking and proper motivation. I think you are brave for even telling your story here. I believe in you because you are just like me and have an addiction. Keep fighting strong.

Jen31

Thank you, so much, SoberFallon. You brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your kind words.

2granddaughters

Jen, call the AA number in the phone book and ask if you can talk to someone. Tell them that you are a newcomer and quite frightened.

My life was ruled by fear and I had to make a step against it. Going to my first meeting was that step. The fear was gone soon after and I felt like i was home.

All the best.

Bob R

Coldfusion

Jen, for me the biggest barrier to quitting was those first few days of feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin. So, I went to a detox program for those few days. They monitored my health and kept me comfortable, and I was introduced to the type of meetings that would keep me sober when I got home.

artsoul

I was in the same cycle at the end of my drinking: waking up dreading the day, promising to stay sober, then caving by evening and drinking a bottle of wine..... Like you said, it's exhausting. It made me into an emotional wreck.
Still, I was afraid to get sober..... everything was so hard already!

The thing is, it's the alcohol that creates all the depression and anxiety, so it's a losing game in the long run. As a single mom, I know it's hard to take time off for treatment, but maybe there are other options (like a short detox). If we had to go to the hospital for an operation, we'd make it work somehow. It's like that....... you have to get a little selfish about it, I think, so that you have the help you need.

Just don't get down on yourself. You've got a lot to deal with and this isn't about being "strong enough" (you're obviously that!).

Anna

It's true that you don't see at the time, that alcohol is causing the exhaustion. When I stopped drinking I was completely depleted physically, mentally and spiritually. It was a slow process to rebuild, but it was joyful because it was all real and honest.

gratefulkp

you sound normal to me. in fact, everyone in here sounds normal. now is not the time to figure out WHY you drink, that will come. now is the time to figure out how NOT to drink. a place to start:

"Without help it is too much for us.
But there is One who has all power—that One is God.
May you find Him now!"

laurie6781

Jen I do believe most of us have been where you are and especially about AA and 'those meetings.' Sheesh, all those people and me without any alcohol in me. I shook so bad, and I don't believe it was the withdrawals as it was 7 days of no booze. I was terrified!

I would like to suggest that you call the AA number listed in the phone book and when you talk to someone tell them about your FEAR and ask if there is a lady that could take you to your first meeting. I suggest that, because those of us that do '12 step calls' remember and usually try to take the newcomer to a smaller, very warm and welcoming meeting.

And you do not have to 'speak'. IF you were asked to share, all you have to do is say:

"I'm Jen and I choose to just listen today."

Oh, and most meetings do have kleenex but just in case, take some with you, as I know I did and many others have, bawled my eyes out at those first meetings. Mostly from gratitude and relief that these people REALLY did understand.

As far as wanting to stop and then drinking again. Well ............................. my daddy used to say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Boy was he right, those 'good intentions' sure paved a lot of my road to hell. What I did find though is that by going to those first AA meetings, my 'good intentions' and 'wanting to stop' became more of a reality, because now I had help and people walking with me.

You can do this Jen! We are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Pondlady

Jen, I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself today, to try and figure things out a bit. You've got a full plate. I think you'll have to be a little selfish ( it's ok) about what you need to stop drinking.

We are all rooting for you and understand your frustration. Keep posting, go to an AA meeting....whatever you think will help you

raja12

Boy oh boy Jen31. I sure can relate to your anxiety about having all those kids around. I've got the same problem here, but its my grandkids. I always did drink, but it really increased when they moved in here. I was use to a nice, orderly, quiet life b4 they came on the scene. Try to take some time away from all of them, as often as you can. It is very hard to cope with all that you've got going on, without drinking . But it will only make things worse, and even harder if you do. Good luck hon, I know EXACTLY how you feel!

Jen31

Artsoul, thank you so much for your post & kind words. I really appreciate it.

Gratefulkp, thank you. I really need to find my way back to the christian I used to be. I've lost my way in the past ten years. I know I need Him to succeed.

Laurie6781, thank you so much. You're father is absolutely right. I will look up the closest facility to me (but not too close, I fear someone I know may see me walk in and think less of me). Thank you for your support!

Pondlady, thanks. I've thought about a few things, one involves a coffee IV, so I at least alway have a "drink" around

Raja12, I would say I'm glad you know where I'm coming from, as far as children & drinking but, I hate you had to endure it!

As for last night, I did not have a drink. This morning I'm a little shaky, but nothing bad. I'm going to keep busy today & go to bed early tonight.