I would like everyones opinion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 28
Because that's what we do. That's the messed up part of it. That's what makes it so hard sometimes. We can't stop. We are addicts. That's the disease. That is the only answer that I have learned in all my life. We are compelled to use whether it's alcohol or drugs or food or what have you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
Originally Posted by SoberFallon 
Trust me, I understand your fear about going to an AA meeting. I was the same way - I shook like a leaf, had the dry heaves, shallow breathing, sweating. I sat in my car and thought of all the reasons I couldn't/shouldn't go in.
I love when the "old timers" say things like "Im not only here & sober for me, But I keep coming back after all these years, because there was someone here to welcome me & offer help when I needed it most"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
I hope you had a good day today! I juat wanted to say that I understand too how hard it can be trying to be super mom & not feel like you "can" care for yourself, it seems selfish but it's not! I have 4 kids ahes 5 up to 14 and man it is hard sometimes. I remember thinking that they and my husband were the source of a lot of my stress and anxiety so I just drank more and more. In reality, getting sober I'm realizing that the drinking was causing most of my stress and anxiety. Drinking made me irritable and made my feel overwlmed all the time, even with simple things like laundry. It does get better, I promise you that 
And like someone else said, you don't have to share at AA meetings if you don't want to. I really love going to AA...it's nice to be around other people who understand me.
And like someone else said, you don't have to share at AA meetings if you don't want to. I really love going to AA...it's nice to be around other people who understand me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 277
Hi Jen31,
Thinking about your AA reluctance, maybe I could add my experience, an epiphany really, to what others have already said so well.
It wasn't my very first meeting--I had dabbled before--but I consider it my very first "real" meeting, coming out of a three day detox. I was done, I knew I had to commit or I was worse than done. So I sat there sweating literal buckets, blotting my face constantly, trembling, feeling disembodied, surreal, totally conspicuous and vulnerable. There was no pity party for me, only genuine care, hope, love, and the clarion message that I was in the right place to overcome my misery. Afterwards my physical symptoms actually improved, I stopped sweating, and I went home to a tolerable night's rest. Spending an hour in that room with those people was incredibly healing. It moved my spirit in a new direction.
Several months later, attending meetings daily, I saw a newcomer sweating and trembling *exactly* as I had done. It was indeed like looking in the mirror, and the deep compassion and identification I felt was like I had finally joined the human race. I used to think that most everyone out in the world was full of judgement, negative thoughts, and bad intentions. That error of alcoholism fueled my anxieties and fears further. The people in the rooms, like the people here on SR, know what it is like, having had the alcoholic's experiences.
I still have a terrifically pounding heart whenever I speak in a meeting (after almost nine months of meetings). I wish that self-consciousness and nerves would just go away, but I simply ignore them. They are part and parcel of old self-centered fears to which I am no longer allowing rent-free space in my head or heart.
Have courage!
All the best to you!!
Thinking about your AA reluctance, maybe I could add my experience, an epiphany really, to what others have already said so well.
It wasn't my very first meeting--I had dabbled before--but I consider it my very first "real" meeting, coming out of a three day detox. I was done, I knew I had to commit or I was worse than done. So I sat there sweating literal buckets, blotting my face constantly, trembling, feeling disembodied, surreal, totally conspicuous and vulnerable. There was no pity party for me, only genuine care, hope, love, and the clarion message that I was in the right place to overcome my misery. Afterwards my physical symptoms actually improved, I stopped sweating, and I went home to a tolerable night's rest. Spending an hour in that room with those people was incredibly healing. It moved my spirit in a new direction.
Several months later, attending meetings daily, I saw a newcomer sweating and trembling *exactly* as I had done. It was indeed like looking in the mirror, and the deep compassion and identification I felt was like I had finally joined the human race. I used to think that most everyone out in the world was full of judgement, negative thoughts, and bad intentions. That error of alcoholism fueled my anxieties and fears further. The people in the rooms, like the people here on SR, know what it is like, having had the alcoholic's experiences.
I still have a terrifically pounding heart whenever I speak in a meeting (after almost nine months of meetings). I wish that self-consciousness and nerves would just go away, but I simply ignore them. They are part and parcel of old self-centered fears to which I am no longer allowing rent-free space in my head or heart.
Have courage!
All the best to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 28
Oinobares,
I just want to tell you that when I read what you wrote, It brought tears to my eyes. I've been an alcoholic and addict for 20 some odd years. I'm new to this forum but this ain't my first rodeo. Lol. Was 20 when I walked into my first AA meeting, scared out of my gourd! Someone convinced me to go. I sat there completely out of my element. I couldn't stand it. But some how I knew that I would undoubtedly be returning many times throughout my life, and I did. I've been using something at any given time since I was about 11. I'm 41 now. So doing the math..... Hmmmm.... Counting on fingers..... Hang on. That's ooh about 30 years of using. WOW. I've never really faced that. Ouch. No wonder I am emotionally ********. No offense intended. I really am! Anyway, I spent years out there using this and that, returning to AA here and there. If I wasn't using alcohol to dull the pain, I was using pills, or weed or whatever. Blah blah blibbity blah.
When I did commit to the program, it was working. I could sit here and write my litany of bad crap that I've done and share my story but the simple fact is, AA works if you work it! Addiction in my opinion because I suffer from it, is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. And I mind f$Łk myself constantly into thinking that I don't need AA. A lot of people have told me to go to NA as well and I did. But for me there was no comparison. AA was better, different. It's hard to explain there's just a different energy in AA that I don't feel in NA. I'm not drinking now. I wasn't an everyday drinker but when I drank I did it to escape my life. Sure the first couple felt ok but I would sit and do it for 10-12 hrs because I could not stop! So now I'm back on narcotics and facing surgery. Ok. I'm not at the bad point yet. It's the fear of when all this is over, I know I'm going to make excuses to keep on using. I've been seeing a substance abuse counselor for about a month now. He's wonderful. It's slow moving and that's ok. It took me a long time to become a full blown addict and I believe it will take time to recover because recovery never ends. That's ok with me.
I'm out of pain meds now and in pain, both emotionally and physically. I will go to work in an hour and I will make it because I am strong! I have God as well as a great support system on my side. I don't feel like a loser because I am an addict and alcoholic! It's just a part of what I am. I know that as long as I am honest with myself and everyone around me things will be ok. People need to know that just because they have a substance abuse problem it doesn't make them bad! Look at how many of us there are. I used to think that I had to hide my dirty little secrets. When the truth is brought into the light, it can be dealt with.
For anyone who is feeling defeated, depressed, lonely, or like giving up, please don't!!!! You are not alone! I can't tell you how many times I used to wake up and want to just die! I don't feel like that anymore. Even though I am going through this roller coaster again, I know that I can and will help myself but there is no way on Gods green earth that I can do it alone!
Thanks for reminding me that I need to get back to the tables! The more I read on here, the better I feel. To me when I am in addict mode it's like being a zombie. I am in fact the walking dead. And that's no way to live! Where there is breath, there is hope and by God I'm still breathing!
Thanks to all you addicts and alcoholics for being exactly what you are! Helping you, helps me and that can't be bad! Have a good day everyone!
I just want to tell you that when I read what you wrote, It brought tears to my eyes. I've been an alcoholic and addict for 20 some odd years. I'm new to this forum but this ain't my first rodeo. Lol. Was 20 when I walked into my first AA meeting, scared out of my gourd! Someone convinced me to go. I sat there completely out of my element. I couldn't stand it. But some how I knew that I would undoubtedly be returning many times throughout my life, and I did. I've been using something at any given time since I was about 11. I'm 41 now. So doing the math..... Hmmmm.... Counting on fingers..... Hang on. That's ooh about 30 years of using. WOW. I've never really faced that. Ouch. No wonder I am emotionally ********. No offense intended. I really am! Anyway, I spent years out there using this and that, returning to AA here and there. If I wasn't using alcohol to dull the pain, I was using pills, or weed or whatever. Blah blah blibbity blah.
When I did commit to the program, it was working. I could sit here and write my litany of bad crap that I've done and share my story but the simple fact is, AA works if you work it! Addiction in my opinion because I suffer from it, is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. And I mind f$Łk myself constantly into thinking that I don't need AA. A lot of people have told me to go to NA as well and I did. But for me there was no comparison. AA was better, different. It's hard to explain there's just a different energy in AA that I don't feel in NA. I'm not drinking now. I wasn't an everyday drinker but when I drank I did it to escape my life. Sure the first couple felt ok but I would sit and do it for 10-12 hrs because I could not stop! So now I'm back on narcotics and facing surgery. Ok. I'm not at the bad point yet. It's the fear of when all this is over, I know I'm going to make excuses to keep on using. I've been seeing a substance abuse counselor for about a month now. He's wonderful. It's slow moving and that's ok. It took me a long time to become a full blown addict and I believe it will take time to recover because recovery never ends. That's ok with me.
I'm out of pain meds now and in pain, both emotionally and physically. I will go to work in an hour and I will make it because I am strong! I have God as well as a great support system on my side. I don't feel like a loser because I am an addict and alcoholic! It's just a part of what I am. I know that as long as I am honest with myself and everyone around me things will be ok. People need to know that just because they have a substance abuse problem it doesn't make them bad! Look at how many of us there are. I used to think that I had to hide my dirty little secrets. When the truth is brought into the light, it can be dealt with.
For anyone who is feeling defeated, depressed, lonely, or like giving up, please don't!!!! You are not alone! I can't tell you how many times I used to wake up and want to just die! I don't feel like that anymore. Even though I am going through this roller coaster again, I know that I can and will help myself but there is no way on Gods green earth that I can do it alone!
Thanks for reminding me that I need to get back to the tables! The more I read on here, the better I feel. To me when I am in addict mode it's like being a zombie. I am in fact the walking dead. And that's no way to live! Where there is breath, there is hope and by God I'm still breathing!
Thanks to all you addicts and alcoholics for being exactly what you are! Helping you, helps me and that can't be bad! Have a good day everyone!
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