Time4change22

Mdub:
I know you are right. I'm working up to it. I need to get sober a week so I can think clearly. I don't want to make any decisions in such a foggy state of mind. Everything is still feeling too overwhelming and my first order of business is to stay sober long enough to get clear headed and make a good plan..

wpainterw

It sounds to me like you're on the right track. Talk to your doctor. Make sure that he or she remains in control of whatever and how much medication you take. I was a binge drinker for years and learned one thing, although it took me so long to learn it. That is that there is no such thing as "moderation" to a binge drinker. It's very subtle. You may have one glass of wine, think that's O.K. and the next evening have another one, or maybe two. And then very soon it's three or four or something stronger and you're off to the races. As the years go on it takes fewer days to get the whole thing going again. It may take only a week or a few days to crash completely and end up in a life threatening situation.

W.

Time4change22

That was scary to read for me. It does creep up. I feel like when i moderate it for a little while, it's not 'doing it' for me, and I need to have one "big" binge where I just let loose. The moderation of a couple drinks each night or a couple times a week makes me feel unfulfilled and that I really need to just have that big drink where I am going to feel it.
Maybe I'm almost craving that feeling of the hangover??? Does anyone have experience with this?
Like I'm trying to kill my energy? If it's a moderate amount, I still have too much energy and crave the feeling of being worn out??

AshleyNickel

Oh my gosh! After reading your posts, I thought that maybe I had written them. We are just alike. Especially the wanting to just change consciousness. I do this and I revert to alcohol because its what I can easily get my hands on, but I like pills and other stuff too. And yes, I am a binge drinker too.
Hey, your not alone!

0percentABV

I'm with ya. I "quit" about a year ago, went 4 months sober, then tried to control it off an on for the next 7 months. I would have a couple after work, sober up, go to bed and wake up refreshed thinking "Yeah, this is what I got to do, just a few to put out the fires in my head." Then I would have a few more than planned, get pissed at myself, stop for a couple days or week then try to start again "this time I will catch myself before I fall." But I wouldn't and a binge would eventually happen, nothing like a blackout binge but just a steady stream of alcohol intake to keep me high, and then my anxiety would catch up and I would be hung over and wound up. I eventually went to the doctor because I suspected that it was my anxiety that was making me drink the way I was but as time passes I notice my anxiety is dropping. I thought back to my 4 months of sobriety and I couldn't recall being all wound up at all. Then I realized that I was never really anxious until the last couple years, the last couple months in particular when I was really struggling to come to terms with my alcoholism. I'm not saying a switch went off and I'm anxiety free but once I accepted my fate and learned to deal with the tiny fires in my head I'm slowing starting to feel an inner peace that can only come with being alcohol free and ready to move on with my life. I always thought alcohol calmed me down, just the opposite. And even when the buzz wears off and the hangovers subside the anxiety was still there but in time it's passing. I'm in therapy and hitting up meetings here and there and working out. I'm not sure if this does anything for you. From what I read we seem to be pretty similar in experience. I know what I'm saying is kinda the equivalent of saying "you just need to get over it" but I don't mean it like that. Plus I don't know your full story so what is working for me might not be for you. All I know is that admitting you have a problem is the first step and once you can accept that you can really start to take care of the rest.

Good luck to you. You seem to be ready. Go for it and don't look back.

powerlesssj

Hello... I am new to site I hope I have found hope/help by joining.
Woke up this morning just like every other morning blurry... I myself bing everyday now for almost 3 years. Its bringing havoc to my life trying to figure out blank slots from night before.
Actually I was led to this site from a google search for pen pals because im so embarrassed with my addiction.

powerlesssj

As I read these posts I'm wondering if someone's in my head writing them for me..

0percentABV

You know, I always knew that there are similarities in drinking patterns with alcoholics but I still get amazed by some of the things I read here.

MyFitz

Mdub,

Thanks for the words of Wisdom. They did not fall on deaf ears.

Appointment with Doc is next week.

Rosiepetal

Welcome to Sr.
Lots of support here for you.
Congrats on making a healthy choice for your future.

Time4change22

The parts about 'putting out fires' in your head really made sense to me. Also, were you say 'you just need to get over it'. That's where I'm at. I'm still battling with 'if' I'm over it. I feel like I haven't made my 'choice' yet. Do I really want to quit? Or am I trying to moderate? I'm a still convincing myself I can control this ?

You're so right about the booze keeping you high for a week until you need to hit the nitro button. Not necessarily blackout or even doing anything to damage myself. Just some solo drinking until finally the anxiety hits me and it's all been heading that way with the 'moderated' drinking.

Thinking back to my last big sober bit, I remember being scared to actually drink again because I had been feeling great and I knew the situation was coming where I was going to be drinking. I had told people I was quitting for the month and that kept me accountable. Once that was over, I hit the sauce. Wasn't crazy , probably didn't really even over indulge that weekend. Then I thought, **** it, I can just hit the sauce once a weekend and that's no worries. Then that I got comfy with that once a weekend, went to twice a weekend, then went to overdoing it on weekends, then went to **** it , I can overdue it just a bit during the week.

My battle now isn't the daily drinking, its the convincing myself I can't (not can) moderate.

My circle of friends is great, I work out, i play lots of sports and my friends are moderate drinkers if that. My worst enemy is me, by myself, or taking advantage of a time where I can unwind and drink. I always feel like, **** it I can sneak one drink to get me through the night.It normally takes at least a couple weeks, and this past time, three months, until I felt like It was starting to have a negative affect on my life.

I still think I so desperately want to drink on occasion. Is this impossible? Even with a set out plan and someone to hold me acceptable?

I think I've identified my issue at this point, is that it's the the one night of drinking. Its that the next day, I'm sad it is over and I don't really want to have to wait until the next chance I get, so I try my best to cheat the hangover and maintain the high. Its the prolonged moderation of many drinks. I'm a functional dunk and have high behavioural tolerance and don't really get hungover. If I just over did it the very first night so that I was really hungover the next day, I'd probably be a bit better off.

**** I don't even know. I hate battling with the thought of I can't enjoy it anymore.

Day 2 is over.

Lots of sports this weekend. Probably celebrating. How do I skip out on this.

I have been using this forum to throw up my thoughts on. It's working a bit like couselling for me so far..

0percentABV

I went through a year with this thought. Us functioning alcoholics only know our pain. Most everyone sans my wife (at times, not all the time) never knew the battles I fought with myself. Heck only 2 months ago my wife was saying "I don't care if you have a beer every once and a while, just don't hide it from me." I have zero DWI's, never lost a job or friends, pretty much held it together as a weekend warrior w/ extended weekends. But the past couple years things were slipping. When I told people about my decision last year I got looks of "what, really? OK." I was hoping I was just in a rut and I needed to just keep myself in check. But I tried. I tried to turn back the clock. I couldn't do it. Booze is progressive and I crossed the line. I adapted a style of drinking that I can't get out of my head once I start. I can hold off here and there but the nagging just irks me and then next thing I know I've stopped at 2 bars and the liquor store before I even got home from work. Heck I'll stop once I realize what I'm doing but the damage is already done. I broke my promise to myself and then I start to beat myself up.

No. No more. There is no turning back. I crossed the line and what I saw was dispair. I felt it. It would have only been a matter of time before my drinking would have started to bleed into my everyday responsibilities, heck they already were. I spent a year feeling sad about not be able to drink anymore while I was drinking thinking I might be able to control it. I will not waste anymore time with this stupid game. I want to be free,

kizzie

This was my husband 6 months ago. Now, after my relapse, he gets it. One is too much and not nearly enough for me.

Time4change, I think using this forum to get your thoughts out is great therapy. Gets them out of your head where they can do a good bit of damage if left unexamined.

Time4change22

I always hear about hitting rock bottom and the need to have that monumental **** up before the commitment to quit. But do I really want to get to that point?
Obviously this is all I'm thinking about these days and this forum has been great for me and it's only been 3 days on here, 2 days completely sober.
I am having an urge almost to drink only to see if I can do it. Like its a challenge I want to prove to myself I can do.
It's hard to even write it all out, because I can see in my writing that it's me convincing myself I can do it.. but I still have that feeling that maybe I can do it??
I'm also reflecting on when I've been 'good' about my drinking and keep having a feeling of regret, when I have thought, oh well, I could just have one more, or times when I notice that I did drink more than others.
I haven't really been so aware of the problem before. In a social setting I can moderate it very well, its when I have no accountability and I can just drink without anyone really knowing how much I am drinking or if I have been drinking at all. It was this past week, we had an extreme amount of leftover booze in our house and I just went to town for the sake of it. Knew I over did it, and figured I might as well continue it out. If I could just drink one night and then make sure to not drink for a week at least. I also think I struggle with thinking that I have to 'capitalize' when i get a chance to drink. Like if I have 2 days off, I need to make sure I'm drinking because I won't get the same chance during the week. Or god forbid, a commitment come up next weekend and I can't get hammered.. I have to maybe accept the fact that I shouldn't be drinking like I'm first year uni anymore..

I used to think it was okay to smoke weed everyday too, and I quit that easy enough as long as it wasn't around. But it was the same thing of just a little bit each night to 'put out the fire'. I have realized the effect the constant weed was bad and I need to apply that to drinking as well. Once in a while might be okay. The problem is and always has been that with any substance , if it has been available, I'll probably take it.
I'm battling with , do I try to moderate one more time and then if I can't do it, I'm out. Will that fear of being out transfer to allow me to moderate so that in essence I can continue to drink??

MyFitz

Time4Change22,

Here is a sample 28 Day (1 month), With intent to moderate each time:

0,0,0,0,0,4,X,0,0,0,0,0,X,0,0,0,0,0,6,0,X,X,0,0,0, 0,0,0

0=no drinks
4=4 drinks 6=6 drinks
X=couldn't tell you how many. Death defying hangover next day. possible $300.00 bar bill due to thirsty insatiable clients. (I never or rarely drink at home only with neighbors for special occasions like SuperBowl... me and my wife gave up drinking together it doesn't work...)

Random weekdays because clients want to get together and have me buy drinks or my business partner buy drinks. He is a complete other story. You'll never see him on any site like this looking for help. Ever.

So, This is me trying over and over and over again to moderate for years like this. I have gone a few weeks, and months without a drink. Up to 8 months is my max.

This is my pattern of I think I can do it because I write in my calendar everyday how many drinks I have and look back at the 4's and 6's as tell myself,"You can do it, and you did do it!" No More X's!!!" But my Day Minder's are riddled with X's and sad faces after each one the next day. Actually I just draw a small face how I feel like:
There are some pretty aweful little faces in that calendar.

MyFitz

I Hate alcohol.

MyFitz

I have to clarify that my clients like to buy drinks too, I wrote before I thought. They just like to drink and like to bond, or at least drink. I don't blame them, I blame myself for feeling obligated sometimes.

YouRmySunshine

I also was a binge drinker & can very much relate to what you have shared. I am with you also in the realization that I am just wired different. I will never be a normal/social/occasional or what ever you want to call it Drinker. I drink to forget, escape, control my anxiety, depression, have temporary courage, you name it (I have loads of excuses I have built up over the years). I am feeling that with each passing day I find it easier to be less anxious about daily things while sober.
I hear it gets better too!

So heres to another 24 hours for us all!
Peace
~Jules

Time4change22

Fitzzy..
I really appreciated that last post. I started the same sort of calendar system in December last year when I felt like maybe I should be more conscious of my drinking. It had just occurred to me that I was overdoing it a bit.

I know I use for my underlying issues, mostly of mild depression and some generalized anxiety, that used to be full blown panic attacks. I originally used pot to fight both. Discovered that trick about 10 years ago. Went for about 4 years of chronic pot smoking, until I moved to south Korea to teach for a year. You cannot get weed there at all, I wasn't a big boozer at that time, but reached out for the bottle to ease the pain and filled the void not smoking weed had left me. I knew I had a problem that year, but I let it slide because it was medicating me and I wasn't doing any harm other than physical damage to my body (so it seemed to me).

I traveled and was somewhat enlightened to the enjoyment life can bring without drugs. But still wasn't considering the fact that maybe I as a problem drinker, or an alcoholic or however you'd like to say it.

Since then I have had bouts of drinking a bit too much each year without really dedicating myself to a solution. Always thinking of a new way to battle it, mostly by moving around and re inventing myself somewhere new. But the drinking always sneaks back up I guess.

I think it's important for me to reflect on the past as much as possible and think of how many times drinking has made me miserable.

Yesterday I was looking at my calendar and thinking the same as you. 'Oh man, you are over reacting to your problem, you had a bad weekend or week, but the rest of the month you were fine'. I am able to bounce back in a couple days all the time and forget the remorse I was in five days earlier.

This forum is working for me like a journal and I can always go back and check. This should be useful to me, so that I can't lie to myself and say it's all okay.

I'm not even going to say I'm quitting for good right now. I'm going to quit each day I wake up and if I **** up, I'm going to quit again the next day and come to this board and make sure it doesn't turn into a week long of moderate drinking.

I guess my questions now are: What does moderate drinking actually look like?
Are cravings forever?? I'm assuming so because I have quit cigarettes and I still get those cravings !!

This board and all of you have helped me immensely in the past 4 days. Today is day 3 sober for me.

I feel less pressure to mess up and I feel like talking about it has really helped me see the similarities with my issues and others.

0percentABV

A little over a year ago when I made my decision I started a diary. A private blog actually, it's on Wordpress I just haven't opened it to the public yet, kinda scared even though it's mostly anonomous. But I swear you are taking stuff out of there. So eerily similar to what I was telling myself this past year. I say this in past tense because I've gotten over trying to convince myself there might be a glimmer of hope. There is none. And that being said. Why even bother anymore? Aren't you sick of fighting this or even thinking about it? To me it feels like the seed is already planted and no matter how good I am it will never be enough to satisfy. Deep down what I really want is freedom from this vice. What's the point of having even one beer? What's the point of trying to put out these tiny fires with booze, they only go out for moment then come back even bigger than before. Why was I trying to keep this relationship going? (For some reason I got the opening lyrics to "I Will Survive" in my head right now)

For me it's over. If I slip, I slip but there will be no more attempts of controlling or regulating, I just don't care anymore. Will I ever be able to drink normally? No. Of course not. I know this. You know this. We all know this and that's why we are here. We are all on different levels and different stages but the one common thing is that we can't drink without some sort of negative consequence. I'm too tired for this balancing act. It's much easier to just let it go and move on than try to make something impossible happen. And that being said, I know what 20 years of being a weekend warrior w/ extended weekends is all about. There were no more surprises left. The good times while drinking were over. I too think about future and not be able to drink and it seems so daunting but then I think when was the last time I woke up thinking "boy, sure glad I drank last night." I don't even remember. But I do know the last time I woke up saying "boy, sure glad I didn't drink last night." That was this morning.