1stepup

Struggling, on day 1 still. Feeling really depressed. Just got off the phone with my ex girlfriend and she has made it clear that its over for good and that she doesnt love me anymore. Got to have contact with her as we have two kids together though and its hard to move on.

Im 32, unemployed and a drunk so i can see why she doesnt want me. But it hurts so much that shes moved on in her life without me, (a 'friend' told me after that shes met someone else).

Its the sober me that always has to right the wrong of the drunk me, and im fed up with the mess it creates. Fighting every minute now to stay sober. Hard though im upset and thats when i normally drink. Got to get through this

Sorry to sound so downbeat, lifes hard sometimes only made worse by the drink. How i wish i had never touched the stuff, i often wonder what my life would be like now. Its the regrets of my past thats detroying my future.

Ptcapote

Hi 1StepUp: Congrats on Day One and it does get better. I also went through the loss of a relationship (and subsequent finding out that the person found someone else) because of my drinking and it gave me an excuse to keep drinking for four more months.

And everything, and I mean everything, got worse from there. It is painful and awful to lose a relationship and know it's because you weren't the "real" you but the drunk you.

But it is also a wake-up call. Mine was even though I didn't stop immediately. I wish I had.

Try to stop now. As much as it hurts, stick with it. I know it seems improbable but you WILL feel much more clear after you're off for a few days. In the meantime, read around on this site. I did that for months before joining and it gave me the courage to eventually join and reach out because what I (and you) are going through is so common. No need for regrets.

Just stay here with us, and keep posting no matter what you feel. It helped me and I can promise you that you will feel the love here. No matter who you are or what you did beforehand. Nothing you say here will ever be judged.

Good luck, we're with you!

1stepup

Thank you so much Ptcapote, your message has helped me feel better. Got family member here with me now and apoligised for my recent drunk behaviour. I am going to see this as a wake up call, and get better. The relationship had other problems as well as the drinking and i need to accept that its over, just like i have to accept my alcoholism.

Time to change now, before i make my life even worse. Im gonna go up to my dads farm for a few days after monday, think it would be good to get out of drinking temptations and get my head together.

I will get through this and move on. Its hard but the alternative scares me. A dear friend of mine commited suicide as a result of this disease. I want to stop, and have nearly completed my 1st sober day, got to start afresh again tommorrow and never forget this feeling again.

Thank you again.

wiscsober

First, there is no need to apologize for being downbeat. Wanting help, admitting a drink problem is the very first admission that can lead you to a life of content and happiness. You will be able to live with sadness, anger and loss as a sober man.

If you need help withdrawing make sure you seek medical attention, and not be alone. Make sure you eat something and keep hydrated.

Call an AA hotline and see if a couple members will visit you, and help you to a meeting.

In sobriety through time you will realize a new life with your children and their mother.

First things first, and you are doing them, but you need to get physically healthy and stable.

My best to you and that recovery will come swiftly.

Hevyn

1step - I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. What you said is so true - the sober you is always having to clean up the mess from the drunk you. Excellent way to describe what we put ourselves through. You don't want to have yet another mess to fix - so I hope you won't pick up over this - it will not be worth it. (I realize you already know that.)

At 32 you are 20 years younger than me when I finally realized alcohol was toxic to me. I guess I'm a slow learner. I knew in my 20's I had little control over the amounts I drank and what it did to me. I think you should be proud for realizing at a much younger age that you can't touch the stuff. I know you feel very defeated right now, but you have so many wonderful years ahead of you. Please try not to dwell on past behavior that you can't change. Guilt and remorse are soul destroying. You're trying to rebuild, not tear yourself down. Be kind, patient, and allow yourself to heal. You can do this!

1stepup

Thank you Wiscsober, il take your advice on board. Il try and eat something before bed, just be glad to get today over. Drank loads of water and feel slightly better. Its weired that ive used alcohol to numb pain in my emotions, but in reality it just magnifies them. Thank you again.

Valll

Try not to look back too much 1stepup, be kind to youself. Look forward and imagine the life you can have/will have without living in the haze of alcohol.

Good luck - I am sure you will get there.

1stepup

Thank you Hevyn, just read your message. Its so true that guilt and remorse are soul destroying. Ive got to look forward now not back. Rebuild my life. I am lucky to know that i am an alcoholic at my age and am suffering from an allergy to alcohol. I cant put any into my system, full stop.

Ive always hated losing in sport or anything in life, and the thought of admitting that i am powerless over alcohol is hard but true. Need to keep it simple and get through tonight sober.

Thanks again

1stepup

Thank you Valll, Think i do look back too much on life in general. Life can be hard for everyone and ive got to learn to grow through being sober instead of drowning in alcohol and using it as a crutch which i have done since the age of 15. Think in some ways i still feel 15 emotionally because i havent dealt with life sober- if that makes sense?

mecanix

Hey 1setpup,
I finally got with it at 36, you don't have to leave it as long as i did . My cousin is in AA & NA and she finds that good , i kinda walk a different path but from my point of view it shares a lot of common ground . I think it's worthwhile finding out how other people deal with being sober sucessfully , thats why i find the diversity of SR useful to learn from .

Stick with it , keep learning , you might wobble a bit when you first learn to ride a bike even fall off occasionally i don't see why it's any different when learning to live sober .

Bestwishes, M

1stepup

Thank you Mecanix, like what youve put about learning to ride a bike, it is a learning curve for me living sober. Been to aa quite a bit in the past three years. My local one is in walking distance and i have had a sponsor in the past. Got off alcohol for six weeks once and slipped up. Former Sponsor has text me this week but ive been too embarrassed to talk.

Went to a meeting last monday. Was doing well for a few days then got that job interview out of the blue and it was too much for me. Dont want to overanalyse where i went wrong too much, but i do need to learn from it. Not long now until day one over sober. I will feel better in time, wish my brain would remember how horrible this feeling is and use it to stop me from drinking again.

Its the panicky feeling that i hate, i know its the comedown and it will go but it makes every second a struggle.

mecanix

Don't die from shame 1stepup

M

isinganyway

If you've been drinking every day for a while you may want to call a doctor if you feel you are going through withdrawal - it can kill you! be careful D:

flutter

Glad you found us We completely understand what you're going through.

1stepup

Thanx mecanix, i know deep down that i need to get to meetings and get back in touch with my former sponsor. Pride has stopped me asking for help in the past and its a dangerous game im playing. managed a tiny amount to eat before and drinking loads of water. Saw empty cans in my room before and it made me feel ill. 8.4% cider cans not a good sign at all. Need to get rid of them, glad to say there were no full ones lying about. Im lucky in a way because the relative i live with has no drink in the house, so it is a safe enviroment.

After a binge i worry about the damage im doing to my body and brain, especially seeing the high strength cider cans. If i dont stop my luck will run out i know this. Nearly day one over now.

1stepup

Thank you isinganyway and Flutter, good to know you are there for me. The latest binge lasted about four days and prior to that i was sober for a week. Doctor gave me thiamine tablets after the binge before this last one. Had blood tests etc and it came back that everything was normal, maybe subconciously saw that as a green light to do it again?

Wastinglife

A year ago I was in the same boat. My gf kicked me out due to my drinking and she was with a new guy within a month. Instead of journeying further down into the abyss, I decided to fundamentally change my life and whole way of thinking. I was feeling sorry for myself for so long that I failed to see that I can control my destiny through the decisions I make and the attitude I have. Start with making the right choices that you know need to be made. No one said life would be easy, but we shouldn't help ourselves to ruin it.

1stepup

Thank you wasting life, good to know that youve come through it a stronger person. Gives me hope. 10.50pm here now so not much left of day one left. Spoke to sister on the phone before and she was really supportive and caring so feel a bit better mentally now.

Gonna start a new sober life for myself, sometimes it is easier to think the whole worlds against me and feel sorry for myself, instead of changing how i react to situations. Need to keep things simple for the next few days and recover physically. If i ever want to know in the future why i gave up i can read the posts i have written.

NEVER forget the pain, misery and chaos of the last few days.

Fallow

It was the regrets of my past that were destroying my present. I couldn't stop worrying about the future when I was drinking. Now Im finding I can live and enjoy the present. Like this very minute, this second, this moment. And its beautiful.

The past can never be changed as much as I would like to and have chosen to dwell on it. The future cannot be destroyed until we get there. And even then we have to choose the path of destruction.

I continue to make my active drinking career my past only, by listening to and acting on the wisdom of those who have shown me the way here on SR and in the rooms of AA. You can do it too!

1stepup

Thank you for your kind words of advise Fallow. The worrying i have done drinking was irrational, at the time it seemed so 'real' and painful that i felt that i couldnt stop drinking to block it out. The fact that nearly all of the worries were based on mistakes ive made BECAUSE of alcohol really shows me the insanity of it all! Only 30 mins until midnight here, so nearly got through the day.