sobrietydad

Hi All- I'm totally confused. I have been sober a little over 2 years. I have a 16 year old son who was the catalyst for my sobriety. At first things were great and we were getting along very well. Now my son goes through these periods where he becomes resentful and won't talk to me. His mom (divorced) thinks he is resentful about me not getting sober earlier in his life- that he wasn't worth it or something. I know he doesn't understand alcoholism and that he's a teenager and everything that goes along with that but just wondering if there is any advice out there or if anyone has experienced the same type of thing. He refuses to go to counseling with me.
Thanks!

Coldfusion

Welcome, Dad!

My advice would be to sit him down at the computer in a little while and show him what people here have to say.

I'll put in my opinion, and that is that your son should suck it up and go to therapy with you.

Anna

I think your son's feelings should be validated by you. He is entitled to his feelings even if you wish they weren't there. I would suggest counselling for your son, or maybe AlAnon as a support for him.

Devushka25

I disagree with the person above saying he should "suck it up".

My brother and I were young when our dad split with my mom to pursue his crack addiction. We went years without seeing him, then he'd pop in, then disappear again. I, being a daddy's girl, run to him every time he's back like nothing happened. I take what I can get. My brother, however, can feign enough interest to his face so as not to be outright mean to my dad, but beyond that has no interest in a relationship at all. Not to sound harsh, but these are the consequences of putting our lived ones through our alcoholism and addiction.

They don't have to suck anything up that they don't want to-- child or adult.

HOWEVER, don't give up! My dad wants desperately to reconnect with his son but he's so ashamed of what he's put us through, he no longer believes he deserves it and has all but given up, proving my brother's opinion that he has no use for him. What dad fails to realize is that my brother deserves to have a relationship with his dad and deserves to have a dad with the wherewithal to not give up at the slightest stumbling block and keep trying!
So keep trying. Show your son how valuable and precious he is to you by refusing to give up. He's at an age where even if you were a model parent, he's likely to lash out or withdraw from you. Your issues have just provided him good ammunition.

I would give him time and space (i dont mean a wide berth physically, but it can be exhausting especially at that age to have things be 'serious' all the time) and be very patient. But at the same time, demonstrate your caring by trying to get him to do fun things with you, doing nice things for him and letting him know that you love him, understand his feelings and validate them and are willing to work with him to make things better. Let him have a voice.

Devushka25

And I agree that counselling or AlAnon would be great but if he's refusing, maybe work up to that not just shove him into it. I've seen a lot if ppl soured on therapy for life because they were forced into it.

Pondlady

My father quit drinking when I was 16 years old. My mom and sisters tried to "hold things together" while he was drinking. A couple of years AFTER he quit drinking, I became angry. I finally felt safe to express all the feeling I'd repressed over the years.

Please be patient with your son. I did benefit from counseling, but did not go with my Dad. BTW, very close with my Dad now

FlowersJasmine

Just as he was with you please be patient with him too - he is a teenager. Let me ask you one thing Sobrietydad, is he very close with his mum? If he is, chances are that he thinks you are the reason why there was a divorce. Time heals all wounds and if you are patient with him he will get over it.

Maylie

He prob. has a million things running through his head. At that age, anything can set them off, so maybe sometimes when he gets in a bad mood he starts thinking about things and gets angry about the years he didn't have you sober. I know when I was that age I didn't want to go to counseling, although my mom did make me go and even though I didn't talk the first couple sessions at all, once I opened up it helped me a lot.

I would allow him to feel all the emotions he is feelings. Have you sat him down and talked to him about his anger and resentment? Sometimes communication is the best thing. Otherwise, just keep being a parent. He might stay mad, but that doesnt mean you should give up. Be the better father you can be and in time, he will come around. He needs you, and at times he might blame certain things on that fact that you weren't sober. It is a natural response and the best thing you can do is be hoenst with him, communicate, and allow him to have a voice and an opinion.

Nonsensical

If I recall, at age 16 I had zits, college preps, learning to drive, wet dreams, peer pressure, and for some reason being around females made me all kinds of uncomfortable. On top of that, my Dad was pretty much the dumbest guy I'd ever met, and no help at all. If he had 1 less IQ point he probably wouldn't have been able to find his way home from work.

I think it's a fairly normal phase, possibly/probably exacerbated by your previous drinking. Own up to your mistakes and try to talk.

2granddaughters

My son was 15 yrs old when I got sober in 1989. We have had our ups and downs but we are a very close family.

Are you sober 2 yrs in AA ? You keep being the best sober dad you can and the rest will fall into place.

All the best.

Bob R