Amelia99

Hi, everyone. For the past few days I've had a few dreams about running into a person who I hurt deeply while I was drinking about three years ago. In the dreams, I dread running into her but we eventually meet and she shows me compassion, and I'm filled with relief. Then I wake up and realize this didn't happen. Oof. Until recently I felt like I had put this behind me. I know she's moved on - she lives in another country, is married, has a baby. That sort of made it easier - I'd never have to run into her ever again. I could put my shame in a box and hide in the corner of my mind.

I'm not in AA, but I'm not closed to it. My only experience with it wasn't a great one but I know that many people have different and inspiring experiences there. I imagine I'll give it another try at some point. In the meantime, I'm working actively to rebuild my life, to work diligently, be compassionate, and to learn to love myself as I am. I feel like it's helping tremendously and I'm excited about the possibilities ahead.

But my past hangs over me, and I am concerned that trying to wade through it all without support won't be enough. The thought of eventually making amends, absolutely terrifies me. It's something I don't what to ever have to do. I keep asking myself, why? Can't I just move on and live a better life? Start fresh? These are the kinds of questions I think only someone with experience can answer. So I wanted to reach out and ask if anyone here would be willing to share a bit on the role of amends in recovery.

Thanks, as always,
-Amelia

peanut44

Just my thoughts here,

I had a sponsor thru about step 10 and step 5 took the most time. There were people who lived close by and those who had moved on.

And there was 1 whom i had the most trouble with. My husbands daughter. I don't have children and never will and i took the role of "mommy" when she was 10.

There is and always has been something about her that i never liked, like she was never genuine with me, and it never changed with me being clean or taking pills.

This was the hardest step for me. I ended up writing her a letter about the things that "I" caused. My sponsor made sure there was no blaming.

Also with her, i still had resentments of my own against her and they were eating me up inside.

I sat down and wrote on paper EVERYTHING that i was angry about, didn't like about her, thought she should change about herself etc....

Then i threw it in the
woodstove and watched it burn. Believe it or not, that really helped

Also, making amends to family members like mom and dad was alot easier then i expected.

You don't have to do it face to face.

healin

I was in recovery a few weeks back and was doing really well until a number of events occured at the same time in my life and I returned to my "old ways" but i'm not going to live my life that way. I learned to separate my mind and the drug mind from one another and recognizing when 'it' wanted drugs rather than 'me'. I believed with absolute conviction that I was clean of drugs and even envisioned it in my mind and that helped a huge amount.

For me12 step programmes do not work nor do they suit my beliefs and mindset but it may work for you (i'am not against any 12 step programme ), it just depends on you as a person and what 'tailored' options you are going to need to assist with your recovery.

FamilyMan2153

Dealing with the past is always difficult. I had to come to terms with a lot of things I did while drinking. As I got sober I needed to face them. I had to sit down with my wife and talk to her about a huge mistake I made. It was hard and we both cried but I was able to move on. My advice would be that if it something that is stopping you from moving on with your sobriety, than you will need to face it. Most times we are surprised by the response we get if we are sincere. Be prepared that it might not be what you want to hear but making a sincere/honest effort is what counts. Good luck to you.

wpainterw

I'm not an expert in AA stuff but I gather that the matter of making amends has some wiggle room or flexibility. Thus it may be inappropriate to make amends if doing so might be harmful to either party. The key is not to harm the other person or endanger one's sobriety or circumstances (such as a job). That said, perhaps you might consider writing your former companion a friendly letter expressing how you feel. You may never receive a reply but at least you might get it out of your mind and it may help with some of the guilt you may feel. Good luck.

W.