RocketQueen

Almost 4 weeks sober and up until now, I feel like ive been coping quite well. Sure, ive had my ups and downs, but nothing extreme. However, for the past 3 days I've been extremely low. To the point where I can't get out of bed, the crying is unstoppable and I've got so much anger and hatred built up in me I'm afraid im going to go into a full blown rage.

I've been to see my gp, and she has put me on anti depressants which is all well and good, but they can take from 4 to 6 weeks to kick in. The good thing is that drinking is the last thing on my mind but I feel like if I don't do something NOW, im going to hurt myself or someone else. Its scary and I dont know what to do. I feel helpless and very, very alone.

TypicalPisces

Is there anyone you can call? Someone who might can come over and sit with you? Here is a phone number that you can utilize, if not. It's the national talk line for people in crisis mode. 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

Just know that this isn't a forever moment. Breathe. You are not alone. Talk to us.

suki44883

Yes, you can always vent here. There's almost always someone around on the forum and there's always the chat room.

I know that I was a basket case in early sobriety. I would cry at the drop of a hat over the silliest things. I was easily irritated, too. It's all a part of early recovery. I'm glad you saw your doctor and I imagine the anti-depressants will help. It usually takes a good 3 weeks for them to get leveled out in your system, but you should start feeling a bit better before then.

Congratulations on 4 weeks! That's awesome!

Hevyn

Good job on your 4 weeks, RocketQueen. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It's like learning to live in a whole new way - our emotions are raw. We're not used to that - but you will get there.

It's great you did the right thing and saw your doctor. I agree - venting here is helpful and gives you an outlet. It'll get better, Rocket.

melivinsober

Hi Rocket. I know this might be cliche sounding, but have you tried suicide help hotlines. For months I would call then hang up. I felt weird. But When you have a sudden bad thought it's so great to just talk it out.... When I finally did... I think it saved me.

About 2 or threes yrs ago I had that feeling, but didn't do anything. Then I had a bad using/drinking incident and I even left a note in my pocket apologizing... just incase I didn't wake up. Thankfully I woke up in the middle of the night vomitting everything out.


And one more thing to add: after that incident I did all kinds group therapy meetings with people in the same situations. That was great help too.

ClearLight

I suggest you ask your GP for the number of some therapists to talk to.
You can usually see them very quickly.
And it could be good to rant to a professional as well as here at SR.

Booniecat

Rocket - I too have battled depression and felt I was drinking to mask it. This only made it worse. I am now finishing my first week sober and seeing some hope. Try getting out of the bed and forcing yourself to walk somewhere. There is something about exercise outside that feeds those endorphins and breaks the mood. Know we are pulling for you.

Anna

You are doing the right thing by talking to your dr and by accepting that the antidepressants do take a bit of time to work.

If you really feel like you might harm yourself or someone else, call your dr or go to an ER. Please take care of yourself.

RocketQueen

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. As weird as it sounds, I have a phobia of using the phone. It triggers massive anxiety attacks and I avoid it at all costs. Besides, I really don't know what I would talk about in all honesty. I cannot pinpoint any specific triggers for why i feel the way i do and talking about anything that may be bothering me isn't going to change it. I've emotionally closed myself off from the world due to previous experiences of trying to talk it out with people.

I would also like to point out that i am in no way considering ending my life or going on a massive drug and alcohol fueled rampage. Just so we're clear. I just feel like a blob. A sad and angry blob. I want to throw things. I want to hit things. I want to scream until my vocal chords explode. But I cant. I have to hold it all in, which is making it worse.

You know, I thought erasing alcohol from my life would make it better. Instead, things are getting worse. Ive had more bad things happen to me in the last month than I have in my entire life. Why is that???

Anna

I wonder if things are getting worse, or if it just seems that way since you don't have alcohol to help you through. I can sure relate to feeling angry and depressed, and honestly I think it's something you just have to get through. It does get easier, it really does. One thing that helped me a lot was journalling. When I was angry I would write and write until I began to feel better.

PreciousKitty

RQ, I cannot believe the different emotions we go through esp in early recovery. I'm sure that is why most of us relapse. Please just hang in there ok. Before you know it you will be feeling yet another diff emotion. And a lot of them are good ones. But if you drink your emotions will never balance out.

Hang on tight and keep posting. We all understand.

RocketQueen

You could be right. Now that my only coping mechanism has been taken away, I don't have the tools to deal with anything - good, bad or indifferent.

I tried to get into my gp today, but shes not in until monday. I dont know how much longer I can deal with it. 3 days straight so far and it feels like a lifetime. I have some valium in my cupboard (gp prescribed a month ago for withdrawal with the strict instructions that I was to only take them if absolutely necessary), but have never used it before and am too scared to because I dont want to switch one addiction for another.

LSC1

HI Rocket Queen

My emotions were all over the place in early recovery. After 20 years of numbing emotions with alcohol for the first time in my adult life I had to actually feel them. The good , the bad and the ugly emotions.

I had noone I could talk to face to face. I vented here and of course on SR chat.

I walked and I walked and on occasion I ran. My emotions are slowly levelling out. Last weekend was blah but life is blah sometimes.

I have since found two friends in real life and on numerous on SR that thelp me daily to deal with these emotions.

Thinking of you ... hope your coping with the weather... ours is shocking ATM.

Catch you on chat later.

Cheers
Jodie

soberclover

I have a ton of respect for you Rocket for being so honest about how you are feeling and what you are going through. I think Anna is right that you no longer have the alcohol to help you deal with your feelings. I feel like a mental milkshake at times and I'm trying to learn how to deal with it. I've learned that helping others often helps me. You helped me tonight....maybe it will help you knowing you helped someone else by your honesty. I know I will get through this and I know you can too!

guskasb14

Rocket queen keep your head up! If you feel that you cant live in your skin, go to the ER and tell them what you said in the first thread. They will understand and help you out! You will get through this

RocketQueen

I wish I could "thank" this post ten times over

Jodie: I wont be on chat for a while. I spilled coffee on my modem this morning and it died... just one of the many irritating things to happen to me today (sigh).