Telling someone they have a drinking problem
 

As a person new to recovery, I don't preach to anyone. But today I sent an email to a friend who is drinking daily and for hours. Here's the email; any thoughts would be appreciated:

The point I was trying to make when we last met - because I care about you - was to say be sure to look after your own health, as well as your friend's.

As we have talked about this before, I cannot meet you anyplace in which alcohol is served. It interferes with my decision to stop drinking and I am concerned about you.

You told me once that drinking was one of the reasons you left ****** When we first met two years ago, you were having one or two glasses of wine. Now it's multiple double vodkas.

I am being blunt. But that's again because I care about you. I am glad I met you and I consider you a dear friend. But I am terribly worried about your health and happiness.

The first half certainly makes sense and seems perfectly reasonalble in regards to you not wanting to meet anyplace alcohol is served.

Regarding the second half, you know firsthand that only the drinker can make the decision to quit. And the alcoholic mind doesn't think rationally when it comes to drinking. So while what you wrote seems reasonable and caring, don't be surprised at all if your friend doesn't take the advice. Also don't be surprised if he/she views it negatively and responds accordingly.

As someone detached from the situation it reads absolutely fine to me. It's not preachy at all and sounds very caring. As you know know they need to make the decision to quit for themselves and I remember being quite defensive when people talked about alcoholics, not even directed at me, but just in general. They may not respond positively.

I have a friend who I'm terribly worried about but I haven't even mentioned it. I'm just getting on with my life and leading by example. It sounds like your friend had an issue with a partner's drinking so perhaps this email will be the message they need to read to start the ball rolling.

I think your friend is lucky to have you in their life.

S x

You never know when the right words will be spoken/written to you that will be the aha moment. It's ok to care!

I would just be careful to be aware of your expectations. You have expressed your feelings in a caring way, but it's up to your friend to decide what to do with that information. Don't take it personally if you don't get the result you want.

You also gotta remember to look after yourself. That said, for someone who is just 2 months in you sound super-confident. That is encouraging and fantastic that you are on board with your recovery.

I am not even 8 months sober, but I will tell you that a lot has changed for me in that time. You will be surprised how much information your brain will start to soak up. It's great that you're helping your friend but don't forget "#1"!

Hi Scotty

I think it's good you care for your friend, You've told them why you can;t be around bars and you've told them that their behaviour is a concern for you.

Now you have to step away. Don't make someone else's drinking problem your problem - you already have your own problem.

I've seen many people new to recovery get swamped that way

It's good to care about your friend, but be very careful of expectations.